Unspoken grief childless men

[Needanewnamebeingwatched]

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/aug/28/unspoken-grief-childless-men

What are you thoughts on this report from a man who never had children and regrets it bitterly

I’m inclined to agree with this.

What's interesting to me is that they know women are probably less likely to conceive first time around post-42ish. So if man are planning fatherhood for their 50s and 60s it's always with the intention of bagging a much younger woman who is still fertile.

They are gambling that either their looks or financial status will make them attractive to women decades younger than them because Mick Jagger manages it. It's not worked out for the first chap and I'm sympathetic but a little more reason earlier in his life would have been useful.

What about women who have not had the opportunity? I am very shy and struggle to make connections, especially with men I like as I clam up. I was horribly bullied by boys at school and it put me off and I don’t have much of a sex drive urging me on. I do, however, desperately want children. Like I cry with the ache to have children, I have recently quit my very long hours job in the hope I will now have the time to meet someone before it’s too late as I’m approaching 40. It’s not about having someone to care for me, but having seen how much care my Nan needed when she was older, I understand his worries and it does occur to me that I won’t have people who know and love me caring for me in old age, but strangers.

Sorry I forgot the oh so important NAMALT

Some mentioned how they get to do activities they enjoyed as a child (Lego, theme parks, sports etc) but again why can't they feel comfortable doing these as adults without kids to hide behind?

In fairness, men possibly have it harder than women there - a lone man hanging round an activity where there are lots of children is likely to be looked at with suspicion, whereas a lone woman wouldn't attract a second glance.

I know a few couples who didn’t have DC, two of the males look at our DC with a look of tenderness that other Dad’s in our social group don’t. I think it’s a look of slight regret tbh, in both cases it was the DH was lead by the DW.

other guys I know are childless and loving life….

@Lokipokey1 I’d definitely feel sad for a man or a woman in that position. I hope things work out for you!

It made me feel sad that so many posters (in their 20s/30s most of them, seemingly) were in thrall to what society expected of them, rather than what they genuinely wanted out of life as individuals. Some mentioned how they get to do activities they enjoyed as a child (Lego, theme parks, sports etc) but again why can't they feel comfortable doing these as adults without kids to hide behind?

People without children who go to e.g. Disney land and really buy into it are definitely seen as weird.

When I joined dating sites after divorcing, I was amazed at the number of men in the age bracket that I was searching (40-50s) that had ticked the ‘open to having children’ box. I’m mid 40s, already have children and even if I could, would never want a baby at my age. I just assume that they are looking for a 20-35 year old. I don’t think that these men realise that these women aren’t going to be interested in them.

Let me guess

you have a very poor history of interactions with men, from your father, relatives, boyfriends and partner (if Hetro) and perhaps now even son

Robin Hadley identifies exactly this as an issue in his research

https://www.centreformalepsychology.com/male-psychology-magazine-listings/book-review-how-is-a-man-supposed-to-be-a-man-male-childlessness-a-life-course-disrupted

Yeah, this was my first thought upon reading the article too.

I agree, and I am glad that this is being highlighted because there is too much ' Robert DiNero had a baby at 80' business going on Yes, because his girlfriend is 29 or something and knows full well he is rich enough to pay for his own carer in his old age and rich enough to provide for her child after he is dead. Presumably she doesn't much care about the him being dead stuff. It is only a good thing that instead of the media and doctors constantly berating women for leaving it too late and then needing fertility treatment they go to the source of the problem- men who don't want to commit. My DH said he didn't want children until I told him it was a deal breaker then he changed his mind. But I have so many friends who don't have children because their partners didn't want them. One of my friends split up with her DH, got pregnant by someone else, and then got together with him again. He has brought up her daughter from a baby and adores her. Another one had a child using a sperm bank. As soon as cases like this are publicised, all the men start bleating ' what about fathers?' when they themselves don't value fatherhood or see it as something they want to do until all other options are exhausted. Obviously not all men, but it seen as unmanly to say you want children as a man. You have to be ' trapped' into it.

Although my opinion is skewed by experience of a dear female friend who wanted children but didn't meet the right man until she was in her 40s as the men she met in her 20s and 30s wouldn't commit.

Fair points by all who raised this - I accept it must be much trickier for shy men especially. A group of male friends enjoying an activity traditionally seen as for kids/families isn't so eyebrow-raising, perhaps.

@Angrycat2768 exactly

Ha. My thoughts too

The difference between a 42 yo childless man and a 42 yo childless woman (infertility issues aside) is that a 42.yo man can conceivably go on to have dc at any point for the rest of his life - a woman does not have this luxury.

@Lokipokey1 I hope things work out for you.

I feel the same amount of compassion for men and women who are childless through circumstance, rather than choice. The author of this book admits he was complacent and 'just thought it would happen', so he's owning his failure to prioritise having a family at an appropriate stage of life. I don't understand why some posters are so cruel and dismissive. It's no different to women who don't prioritise having a child until it's too late.

There are also plenty of parents and dads who regret parenthood. One of my friends has had a baby with such a man and he is not happy in fatherhood at all.

If it doesn't work out for you the way you hoped, sometimes it's a blessing in disguise.

But the 42 year old childless woman has the option of doing it alone via sperm donor. The 42 year old childless male does not have that option unless he can find a surrogate.

This is so very true.

That’s cynical. I’ve heard childless women say the same thing. Widowed women say the same thing.

Most people want a companion.

Not for the rest of her life, though. By 42 her fertility will already have waned significantly and conception via sperm donor might be very difficult.