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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL wants to kiss baby/toddler… on the mouth?

113 replies

MILMayhem · 03/09/2023 06:32

Since my LB has been born, we have had an issue with my MIL trying to kiss him on the mouth. She said it’s grandparents rights to do this. I have never been ok with this and have been quite clear that this is not to happen. Not only from a safety POV of infection for a new born but I find it very uncomfortable and I do not allow anyone to do this, neither of us, his parents, do this. I am big into safeguarding and unsafe adult behaviours and I feel she is deliberately pushing this boundary that we have set. This is really our only boundary in terms of must happens, we are relaxed and encourage loving relationships with family members. Originally I asked my DH to bring up and resolve which he did but she still pushing the boundaries. My LB has been very poorly throughout his little life so any increased infection risk is not easy, we have even had doctors tell us to limit certain behaviours which we have shared with her. She will try and kiss him and if I am there I have to say “not on the mouth” to her otherwise she tries to kiss him on the lips. I find it very odd. Is this normal for other people? No one else I know has ever tried to kiss him on the mouth or even the face as she does. Everyone is still very affectionate with him and we let him lead with cuddles and hand holding and close play (which he does often). It’s made every visit charged as I’m waiting for the swoop down and I know she will do it if I am not there. DH and I have said please do not do this and she persists.
She kisses her eldest son (45, my BIL not DH) full on the lips but not my DH or his sister. She also does not kiss her granddaughters at all.

OP posts:
hookiewookie29 · 03/09/2023 18:07

Nononononononono! My best friend has a niece. When she was very small, she contracted TB from an uncle who had been abroad and was a carrier, and kissed her on the lips. What followed for her was horrendous- she is now 18 but has special needs and will never live independently.

phoenixrosehere · 03/09/2023 18:38

NumberTheory · 03/09/2023 17:29

OP can keep doing what she’s doing. That isn’t pandering. Or up the stakes a little if she thinks it’s worth it. Or lower them a little (though doesn’t sound like that would suit OP). It isn’t all or nothing.

The idea that she either goes no contact or she’s pandering is over the top. Zero tolerance policies are important for situations that are really dangerous. They are a really poor way of dealing with situations that are not so risky and where there are good aspects you would lose if you avoided completely.

Show quote history

OP literally states this in her first post:

My LB has been very poorly throughout his little life so any increased infection risk is not easy, we have even had doctors tell us to limit certain behaviours which we have shared with her.

So there is an evident risk, MIL has been informed of and still doesn’t care. Her want to kiss their baby trumps his health seemingly in her mind and that is a problem. It is not hard not to kiss a baby on the lips and to respect what OP and DH are telling her.

MeridianB · 03/09/2023 18:41

YANBU OP. Stand your ground.

PeloMom · 03/09/2023 18:44

Nope. She has no ‘right’ to kiss YOUR child on the lips. It’s unnecessary and even dangerous in some cases (cold sores etc). Do not let her around your baby.

billy1966 · 03/09/2023 18:47

The literacy and comprehension issues on here.

A poorly baby.
A new mother rightly being cautious.

The idea that a healthy adults preference to kiss a vulnerable new born on the lips comes ahead of the safety of said new born.🙄

Unbelievable.

Tightly wound?

How about very basic child welfare for a new born.

I would be so sad that I had any family or friends that wouldn't get that.

Thank god my children were always surrounded by family and friends that such basics didn't have to be explained and argued to.🙄

OP, stick to your guns ridgedly.

Your baby needs you to advocate for it.

Anewnamea · 03/09/2023 18:51

Hibiscrubbed · 03/09/2023 08:54

You simply shouldn’t kiss someone else’s baby on the lips, especially when you’ve been asked repeatedly not to, especially wine that baby’s health is vulnerable. Have a word with yourself.

Your weird desire to kiss a baby’s mouth does not trump the baby’s health and the parents’ wishes. Fuck sake.

Show quote history

Exactly. And if you’re so desperate to kiss a baby you can do so on the forehead or arm or cheek or something. Children do NOT need kisses.

Anewnamea · 03/09/2023 18:56

Mixu · 03/09/2023 07:05

My MIL does this too 🤦🏼‍♀️ she doesn’t kiss my husband on the lips but kisses him multiple times on the face when saying bye. We had our first baby and she kissed him and I asked DH to say to her so she stopped briefly. Now he’s a toddler (and barely knows her because she makes no effort) he doesn’t want people kissing and hugging him unless he’d choose to and I wouldn’t force him but she will practically chase him round our house for 20 minutes before leaving then kisses his face about 12 times. He hates it. Last time after she’d been he got really ill about 2 days later 🤦🏻‍♀️

She came to see the new baby and as she was holding her starting doing the noise of being about to kiss her. My husband asked her not to. If I was holding someone’s brand new baby at a couple of days old and they asked me not to do ANYTHING I’d instantly not do it and not question it. Instead she started asking why not, saying she’d never heard of RSV and she didn’t know that was a thing. To the point I then had to join in and give more reasons why you can’t kiss babies. It’s not like it’s the first baby we’ve had so if you’d been asked not to kiss the last one you’d think you’d just not! Really don’t understand these people that think everyone wants their germs slobbered all over their faces 😩

Please protect your children .

Aside from the risk of germs and the fact your child was ill, it’s very concerning for consent reasons that your child hates kisses and is being chased and overpowered by an adult who forced them on him.

You need to be very clear on this issue and let any adult know they can’t visit if they persist in this or at the very least grab your child up to protect them and say firmly goodbye to the adult and tell them not to kiss your child while shielding your child’s face.

What lesson are you teaching your kid about consent if you let this go on?

Anewnamea · 03/09/2023 19:00

Georgie743 · 03/09/2023 10:34

Why does anyone kiss anyone on the lips unless they're someone you're having sex with?!

Yep it’s weird to me but I know some people do it and don’t have sexual intent towards children.

What shocks me is the fact these adults would persist after being told by parents not to and also the fact some parents are letting it carry on after multiple warnings to not do so. I helped raise my single parent friends toddlers, and see them as nieces, if anyone had dared to go in for a mouth kiss after I’d told them not to they wouldn’t have got near the child again. I can’t believe aren’t being more protective of their flesh and blood children.

IusedToBeYoung1 · 03/09/2023 19:05

I hope this thread has been an eye opener to those who don’t see a problem with it, some shocking and sad stories to read.

NumberTheory · 03/09/2023 19:39

phoenixrosehere · 03/09/2023 18:38

OP literally states this in her first post:

My LB has been very poorly throughout his little life so any increased infection risk is not easy, we have even had doctors tell us to limit certain behaviours which we have shared with her.

So there is an evident risk, MIL has been informed of and still doesn’t care. Her want to kiss their baby trumps his health seemingly in her mind and that is a problem. It is not hard not to kiss a baby on the lips and to respect what OP and DH are telling her.

Edited
Show quote history

I don’t disagree that MiL ought to respect what she’s been told. And I don’t disagree that there is increased risk. It would wind me up and would make me think a lot less of her. I’m not surprised OP is frustrated.

But it’s not a big risk that should be setting off alarms if they are visiting anyway, especially if, as OP indicates, most of the time she prevents the kisses from happening anyway. And there are big benefits to having engaged grandparents in children’s lives. Cutting off contact isn’t the next step in the journey and not going that far is not, in any way, “pandering”.

phoenixrosehere · 03/09/2023 19:47

NumberTheory · 03/09/2023 19:39

I don’t disagree that MiL ought to respect what she’s been told. And I don’t disagree that there is increased risk. It would wind me up and would make me think a lot less of her. I’m not surprised OP is frustrated.

But it’s not a big risk that should be setting off alarms if they are visiting anyway, especially if, as OP indicates, most of the time she prevents the kisses from happening anyway. And there are big benefits to having engaged grandparents in children’s lives. Cutting off contact isn’t the next step in the journey and not going that far is not, in any way, “pandering”.

Show quote history

And there are big benefits to having engaged grandparents in children’s lives. Cutting off contact isn’t the next step in the journey and not going that far is not, in any way, “pandering”.

You can easily be an engaged grandparent without kissing a grandchild on their lips and even wait until child initiates the contact themselves. Limiting contact may be the only way it gets through to MIL since she has been told too many times and still does it. If she is happy to push this boundary, she is happy to push others for the sake of her own wants instead of the needs and safety of their child. She already seems like the type who would dismiss allergies if OP’s child were to have them.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 03/09/2023 19:53

Kisses on the mouth have always been normal in my family.

You're entitled to your boundaries, for that you're not unreasonable.

I wouldn't go in for a mouth kiss on someone else's kid, but I have been surprised by toddlers before!

SoShallINever · 03/09/2023 19:54

Sugarcoatt · 03/09/2023 10:16

Dirty bitch. Your little one will end up with herpes if you don’t put a stop to this.

That's what happened to my DD, she nearly died aged 4. She spent 4days in intensive care and a week on a general isolation ward. People don't realize how serious herpes simplex is.
Makes me cringe when people kiss babies and small children.

IVFbeenverylucky · 03/09/2023 21:36

I don't get this at all. I kiss my kids (aged 2 and 1) on the lips, and would think it rude and weird if very close family members thought that was wrong.
As for it being child abuse or non-consensual, Jesus, where to begin?!!!!
It's natural affectionate behaviour; get a grip.

Balloonhearts · 03/09/2023 21:43

Nope, to me kissing on the lips is how you kiss romantic or sexual partners not your children. It feels inappropriate.

Plus, herpes.

LeComteDeFrouFrou · 03/09/2023 22:00

Oh jeez, that's just disgusting.

2 separate issues here:

Don't expose vulnerable babies to germs.
Don't do stuff to babies when their parents have asked you not to.

Honestly I would keep her at arm's length. Literally.

I had an aunt who would do this when we were kids. When we tried to turn our heads so that she'd kiss the cheek instead, she would forcibly grab our heads around the ears to clamp us into position so that we had no choice. She knew we didn't want to. It was vile. Don't let people do shit like this to your kids.

MyShmoo · 03/09/2023 22:06

I wouldn't want mil or any grandparents kissing my DC on the mouth IF I had specifically said I didn't want them to do it.
However I kiss both my DC (boys age 1 and 6) on the lips - or more specifically they kiss me on the lips. I refuse to see how it's weird! They are my babies! Would I personally choose kiss them on the lips when they are 40 - no, even though they will always be my babies but only because other people would find it weird.

LeComteDeFrouFrou · 03/09/2023 22:10

And any grandparent who starts claiming "grandparents' rights" in a situation like this is one to avoid. Honestly, what the fuck? Giant red flag for trouble ahead.

NumberTheory · 04/09/2023 00:11

phoenixrosehere · 03/09/2023 19:47

And there are big benefits to having engaged grandparents in children’s lives. Cutting off contact isn’t the next step in the journey and not going that far is not, in any way, “pandering”.

You can easily be an engaged grandparent without kissing a grandchild on their lips and even wait until child initiates the contact themselves. Limiting contact may be the only way it gets through to MIL since she has been told too many times and still does it. If she is happy to push this boundary, she is happy to push others for the sake of her own wants instead of the needs and safety of their child. She already seems like the type who would dismiss allergies if OP’s child were to have them.

Show quote history

Yes. Most engaged grandparents manage to be engaged without doing this one thing. But they often, being human, have their own foibles which their children (and partners) must work around, play interference over, constantly redirect, etc. Some seem more important to a parent than others. But cutting contact isn’t the only way, or a particularly proportionate way, of dealing with it and for those at the back not cutting contact is not the same as pandering.

billy1966 · 04/09/2023 07:38

When you ask someone in a reasonable manner not to do something that could potentially harm your vulnerable new born and they repeatedly do it,........ asserting their rights as grandparents in doing so, ........it most definitely IS pandering to them to continue contact and allow your baby to be put at risk.

The OP is most reasonable as is her partner in their request.

No normal grandparent whom genuinely cared for their new vulnerable grandchild would need to be asked twice.

This is NOT a normal healthy response from her MIL.

Distance is needed to keep the baby safe from her stupidity and selfishness, and anyone else who would behave in such a reckless manner.

IusedToBeYoung1 · 04/09/2023 09:34

IVFbeenverylucky · 03/09/2023 21:36

I don't get this at all. I kiss my kids (aged 2 and 1) on the lips, and would think it rude and weird if very close family members thought that was wrong.
As for it being child abuse or non-consensual, Jesus, where to begin?!!!!
It's natural affectionate behaviour; get a grip.

How can you say get a grip, when many posters have explained the consequences of people kissing their babies on the lips?

perhaps getting a grip and realising the dangers is much more important than the poor feelings of someone who can’t go without kissing a child’s lips?

bluejumping · 04/09/2023 09:39

I felt really weird about kissing my
Own baby's lips when they were born

amusedbush · 04/09/2023 09:49

Lincslady53 · 03/09/2023 09:00

Kissing babies on the lips is the main way the herpes virus is spread. I have a friend who is 50 and has had to put up with cold sores all his life, contracted from a relative kissing him when he was a baby. They come and go, but a constant pita.

Yep, I have suffered with cold sores my entire life because someone kissed me as a baby. In fact, I was an adult before I realised that not everyone gets them! My parents get them and I've always had them so I just assumed it was part of life.

I have chronic health conditions which recently flared up and caused an outbreak of three cold sores at the same time. Aside from the pain (I have not been able to eat properly because they cracked and bled every time I opened my mouth), they just look atrocious. Two weeks later and I still have one large, very noticeable scab at the corner of my mouth.

I could cheerfully lamp whoever passed the virus to me Angry

jallopeno · 04/09/2023 09:55

It's not her right. And I find the fact she is so persistent about it very strange. You've said no. That should be enough

IVFbeenverylucky · 04/09/2023 10:24

@IusedToBeYoung1 Tbf the only real consequence is cold sores - and incidentally I get these so know what it's like. I also have severe disability in my family and don't think a risk of cold sores is such a big thing, set against totally normal affection.
And anyway, most responses are not giving a reason at all, but simply saying it is sexual and icky which just makes me want to laugh and scream simultaneously. It's a natural sign of affection.