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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to kiss baby/toddler… on the mouth?

113 replies

MILMayhem · 03/09/2023 06:32

Since my LB has been born, we have had an issue with my MIL trying to kiss him on the mouth. She said it’s grandparents rights to do this. I have never been ok with this and have been quite clear that this is not to happen. Not only from a safety POV of infection for a new born but I find it very uncomfortable and I do not allow anyone to do this, neither of us, his parents, do this. I am big into safeguarding and unsafe adult behaviours and I feel she is deliberately pushing this boundary that we have set. This is really our only boundary in terms of must happens, we are relaxed and encourage loving relationships with family members. Originally I asked my DH to bring up and resolve which he did but she still pushing the boundaries. My LB has been very poorly throughout his little life so any increased infection risk is not easy, we have even had doctors tell us to limit certain behaviours which we have shared with her. She will try and kiss him and if I am there I have to say “not on the mouth” to her otherwise she tries to kiss him on the lips. I find it very odd. Is this normal for other people? No one else I know has ever tried to kiss him on the mouth or even the face as she does. Everyone is still very affectionate with him and we let him lead with cuddles and hand holding and close play (which he does often). It’s made every visit charged as I’m waiting for the swoop down and I know she will do it if I am not there. DH and I have said please do not do this and she persists.
She kisses her eldest son (45, my BIL not DH) full on the lips but not my DH or his sister. She also does not kiss her granddaughters at all.

OP posts:
AlwaysFoldingWashing · 03/09/2023 11:54

Regardless of whether anyone agrees or disagrees, the parents have asked the gran not to do something and that should be the end of it. You can explain your reasons if you want to but I honestly think asking someone not to do something should be enough.

This is nonsense about grandparents 'rights' and I'd be addressing that early doors. There are two parents and she isn't one of them.

If she can't be trusted to do as you are asking then she doesn't get near enough the baby to make it a possibility to ignore you

monsteramunch · 03/09/2023 11:56

@Simplepink

God mumsnet is weird! Is there really whole sections of society out there who don’t kiss babies anymore?!

On the lips? Yes. Whole sections of society don't kiss babies on the lips.

Why does anyone need to kiss a baby on the lips? Let alone someone else's baby. Let alone insist on it / be annoyed when they are told by a baby's parents they don't want them to kiss the baby on the lips.

Gabby8 · 03/09/2023 12:37

“I have asked you repeatedly not to kiss our baby on the lips, whilst I know you feel entitled to do so this is both against our wishes and medical advice. I know you love them so much and you would feel terrible if anything happened because of you. If you don’t stop we will discontinue visits as our children’s well being is paramount”.

DrasticAction · 03/09/2023 12:43

Sorry op but "waiting for the swoop down made me laugh" 😂... Awful situation though, I can't for the life of me understand why some people feel they need to do all this bizzare stuff.

phoenixrosehere · 03/09/2023 13:22

BertieBotts · 03/09/2023 11:28

I think it's normal to kiss family on the lips and I find it weird how disgusted everybody on MN is with this 😂

That said you do have a good reason and it's weird for her to say it's a "right". But there's definitely a wide gap between our beliefs despite the overlap.

I think it's sad when people are too afraid to kiss babies because of fear of disease. Definitely should be avoided if one party has an active cold sore, otherwise really not a big deal and a way to show affection (which is really important)

It had been said repeatedly by medical experts not to kiss babies on the lips or near their mouths due to risks of infections that can and have caused deaths in babies.

There are also plenty of other ways to show affection that doesn’t involve kissing. It’s sad and weird that people forget/ignore that.

EsmeSusanOgg · 03/09/2023 13:36

My 5 year old, who loves insisting on lip kisses, knows he can only kiss his baby brother on the forehead. I'm not sure why a grown adult would struggle with this.

Balloonhearts · 03/09/2023 13:41

I'd tell her straight out, it's weird to kiss family on the lips and you find it inappropriate, you kiss your partner on the mouth, not your granddaughter and if she can't behave appropriately with YOUR child, she won't be holding her at all.

YOU are the parent, if you don’t want your baby kissed on the lips then she won't be. Plus it's gross, who wants to swap spit with their nan, especially when the poor kids been ill, she doesn't need a cough or cold on top.

Lucy202 · 03/09/2023 13:46

I think this is probably abit uptight. And i dont even like my unlaws lol. I would let it go. When hes old enough your be telling him to kiss his grandparents goodbye, or atleast thats the polite thing to do. To me this seems abit of "new mummy" no offence meant. With my first i was so by the book on everything, my second i relaxed. Me & my sister laugh about how intense i was with my first now lol.

Although, you are corect, your mum & you dont need to explain your self. If you said no then you said no & thats the rules

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 03/09/2023 13:49

Yuck! Ban her!!!

xyz111 · 03/09/2023 14:06

Be firm, say to her stop kissing the baby, or she doesn't see them anymore. End of! Why do people pander to other people? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Andbreatheee · 03/09/2023 14:52

I don't find the mouth kissing that strange - maybe that is because I'm desensitised as my toddler endlessly lunges at people to give them great smackeroos on the lips. However, what isn't ok so that you have set a boundary and she is ignoring it. He is your child, you make the rules, she needs to bloomin well follow them!

MistyBean · 03/09/2023 14:53

@Lucy202 why is it polite to have to kiss grandparents goodbye? I really disagree with children being forced to have physical contact with anyone.

NumberTheory · 03/09/2023 15:04

It used to be much more common to kiss family on the lips, especially when one of the people was a child. When I was growing up it was fairly routine, though not ubiquitous by any means. It was a totally different sort of kiss to the sexualised kiss you’d share with a lover so I don’t really share the ick factor that many people seem to on here. But, as many others have said, it’s a boundary you have and in any case your MiL’s idea that it’s a “right” of hers is weird and not an acceptable attitude towards another person of any age.

IsThePopeCatholic · 03/09/2023 15:05

It’s disgusting. Kissing on the lips is intimate and sexual.

NumberTheory · 03/09/2023 15:07

xyz111 · 03/09/2023 14:06

Be firm, say to her stop kissing the baby, or she doesn't see them anymore. End of! Why do people pander to other people? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP tells her not to every time she sees her trying. Her DH has talked to his mum about it.

Not completely nuking a family relationship over one issue isn’t the same as pandering.

saveforthat · 03/09/2023 15:10

IsThePopeCatholic · 03/09/2023 15:05

It’s disgusting. Kissing on the lips is intimate and sexual.

Not always. I agree with @NumberTheory and I still kiss family on the lips, there is nothing sexual about it at all. However of course if you dont want your baby to have kisses on the lips or anywhere, then everyone should respect this.

ilovepixie · 03/09/2023 15:17

It's a sad sad world when you can't give your child a kiss on the mouth without it being seen as wrong or sexual. We always kissed family members on the lips, just a peck but most young children love giving kisses.

Lucy202 · 03/09/2023 16:19

🤣 thats a very strange answer to give. Women breast feed all of the time? A baby is literally sucking on your nipples. Is that sexual? Dont be obsurd.

NoDoorHooks · 03/09/2023 16:21

Andbreatheee · 03/09/2023 14:52

I don't find the mouth kissing that strange - maybe that is because I'm desensitised as my toddler endlessly lunges at people to give them great smackeroos on the lips. However, what isn't ok so that you have set a boundary and she is ignoring it. He is your child, you make the rules, she needs to bloomin well follow them!

Do you tell your child not to do this? I had a friend who used to laugh that their toddler used to kiss everyone on the lips with a slobber. She used to sanction and encourage it. I hated it.

billy1966 · 03/09/2023 16:28

4 children here, and no one kissed them on the lips ever, even us, their parents.

Weird as fxxk and I would be apoplectic at ANYONE telling me they had any rights over my child.

OP, stop seeing this woman.

Do not allow her near your poorly child.

The second time someone pushes the boundary of a parents request, would be the last time they have contact.

Advocate for your child.

Stop contact and tell your partner to deal with it.

I wouldn't want her near my children.

xyz111 · 03/09/2023 17:03

@NumberTheory but she persists. So Op and DH should just accept it?

Cherrysoup · 03/09/2023 17:14

So she doesn’t get to hold your baby, it’s quite simple. She has no ‘rights’, put that one to bed with her.

NumberTheory · 03/09/2023 17:29

xyz111 · 03/09/2023 17:03

@NumberTheory but she persists. So Op and DH should just accept it?

OP can keep doing what she’s doing. That isn’t pandering. Or up the stakes a little if she thinks it’s worth it. Or lower them a little (though doesn’t sound like that would suit OP). It isn’t all or nothing.

The idea that she either goes no contact or she’s pandering is over the top. Zero tolerance policies are important for situations that are really dangerous. They are a really poor way of dealing with situations that are not so risky and where there are good aspects you would lose if you avoided completely.

BertieBotts · 03/09/2023 17:40

Well no, I think with a healthy child and healthy adult, the risk of passing on some as yet asymptomatic illness is absolutely minimal. I don't think it's healthy to be scared of disease in general. Taking reasonable precautions like washing hands and taking recommended immunisations and not going out around other people when you're infectious, those are reasonable precautions. Avoiding kissing a child in your own family (except in the case that the child has to be extra careful or the adult has a known infection) seems overly cautious to me. But we are all different.

DinnaeFashYersel · 03/09/2023 17:59

Heavens there are some very tightly wound people on this thread.