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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to kiss baby/toddler… on the mouth?

113 replies

MILMayhem · 03/09/2023 06:32

Since my LB has been born, we have had an issue with my MIL trying to kiss him on the mouth. She said it’s grandparents rights to do this. I have never been ok with this and have been quite clear that this is not to happen. Not only from a safety POV of infection for a new born but I find it very uncomfortable and I do not allow anyone to do this, neither of us, his parents, do this. I am big into safeguarding and unsafe adult behaviours and I feel she is deliberately pushing this boundary that we have set. This is really our only boundary in terms of must happens, we are relaxed and encourage loving relationships with family members. Originally I asked my DH to bring up and resolve which he did but she still pushing the boundaries. My LB has been very poorly throughout his little life so any increased infection risk is not easy, we have even had doctors tell us to limit certain behaviours which we have shared with her. She will try and kiss him and if I am there I have to say “not on the mouth” to her otherwise she tries to kiss him on the lips. I find it very odd. Is this normal for other people? No one else I know has ever tried to kiss him on the mouth or even the face as she does. Everyone is still very affectionate with him and we let him lead with cuddles and hand holding and close play (which he does often). It’s made every visit charged as I’m waiting for the swoop down and I know she will do it if I am not there. DH and I have said please do not do this and she persists.
She kisses her eldest son (45, my BIL not DH) full on the lips but not my DH or his sister. She also does not kiss her granddaughters at all.

OP posts:
Thelonelygiraffe · 03/09/2023 09:21

It's not her 'right' to do anything. What an odd idea! Grandparents have no rights over their grandchildren.

Maybe you should tell her 'if you have the right to kiss dc then I have the right to kiss you, even if you don't m want me to' - that might make her think that her gc has rights and is an actual person, not a doll.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/09/2023 09:53

My dd 10 kissed me on the lips the other day. Why is that weird?

Kewchoc · 03/09/2023 09:55

@Hibiscrubbed Could not have worded this better myself 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

MinnieTruck · 03/09/2023 09:56

Simplepink · 03/09/2023 07:52

God mumsnet is weird! Is there really whole sections of society out there who don’t kiss babies anymore?!

Why should anyone be kissing a baby on the lips? I’d really be interested in hearing your response

Sugarcoatt · 03/09/2023 10:16

Dirty bitch. Your little one will end up with herpes if you don’t put a stop to this.

Smeshier · 03/09/2023 10:22

There’s a weirder thing here - you won’t kiss YOUR baby on the lips?? Seriously??!

Skybluecoat · 03/09/2023 10:24

BeardieWeirdie · 03/09/2023 06:35

If she can’t be trusted with your reasonable rule given his ill health, don’t let her see him.

This

AcclimDD · 03/09/2023 10:26

It's unhygienic and completely unnecessary. Your MIL is a very ignorant woman.

CassiniG · 03/09/2023 10:26

Fine if you lean in for a kiss and it lands on the mouth or side of mouth by accident. The baby won't die.

Yo deliberately target the mouth as an area to kiss of such a small infant is odd.

Letitgonowgr · 03/09/2023 10:27

Omg this is so weird.
I would have to say “stop kissing my child on the lips please, on the head is fine but not the lips”. If she continued I would stop seeing her. The fact she kisses her son like this still is just bloody strange.
I dislike her and I don’t even know her!!
It’s so selfish!!

2chocolateoranges · 03/09/2023 10:29

I’d have another chat with her and remind her how poorly your baby is and that lip kisses are off or you stop visiting. End of. She isn’t the parent and is going against your wishes.

Georgie743 · 03/09/2023 10:34

Why does anyone kiss anyone on the lips unless they're someone you're having sex with?!

CoffeeCantata · 03/09/2023 10:34

Totally with you on this, OP.

Horrible - she needs to stop this nasty, intrusive habit immediately. Apart from the considerable hygiene risk (my baby was kissed on the mouth spontaneously by a hospital cleaner, just after she'd come back from NICU with a serious infection), it's totally out of sync with the times. I remember many traumatic slobbery kisses from elderly relatives as a child - I used to dread seeing them.

The mention of 'elderly' is indicative of the fact that it was already outmoded behaviour long ago when I was a child - so why anyone is doing it now is beyond me.

TooBored1 · 03/09/2023 10:37

Lincslady53 · 03/09/2023 09:00

Kissing babies on the lips is the main way the herpes virus is spread. I have a friend who is 50 and has had to put up with cold sores all his life, contracted from a relative kissing him when he was a baby. They come and go, but a constant pita.

Me too. I started getting them when I was a toddler. I've had so many, I can't wear lipstick as my lip line is so wobbly.

I have to stop wearing contact lenses when I get a cold sore and I don't want to think about the number of dental appointments I've had to cancel due to active sores.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/09/2023 10:38

I agrée with everyone - unhygienic, unnecessary and weird to insist on.

I had a grandfather who was like this - with everyone I think. Weirdly my Mum made the effort to protect herself from it (“I’m Italian and we kiss on the cheek”) but not us children.

Mmhmmn · 03/09/2023 10:40

I find that weird and icky and an invasion of personal space. Kiss on the cheek or forehead if you have to, fair enough - but what's the need to kiss a child on the lips?

SomeCatFromJapan · 03/09/2023 10:57

If you google, there are several sad cases of babies dying after contracting herpes in this way. Even if they don't die, cold sores are a life long misery.

BashfulClam · 03/09/2023 11:10

CassiniG · 03/09/2023 10:26

Fine if you lean in for a kiss and it lands on the mouth or side of mouth by accident. The baby won't die.

Yo deliberately target the mouth as an area to kiss of such a small infant is odd.

A baby in our town did die. He contracted step b from a relative kissing him.

bridgetreilly · 03/09/2023 11:12
  1. She does not have any rights.
  2. You are the parents and you decide.
  3. Kissing children on the lips is pretty normal.
Gowlett · 03/09/2023 11:14

WTF is wrong with these people? You have said no!
Only time my DS kisses on the lips is when he occasionally does it to me. I never do it, nor does anyone else including his dad.

Amispringy · 03/09/2023 11:17

I've never been able to articulate why this makes me feel
Uncomfortable but it does

My sister does it to her children but and it's cringey especially when she is kissing my 14 year old nephew on the lips

MistyBean · 03/09/2023 11:19

You are definitely in the right OP. Also, as soon as children have any awareness of their own bodies and decisions then no"affection" should ever be forced on them. Everyone, including children, should have the right to bodily autonomy. My in-laws always took that children round the entire family to kiss everyone goodbye at the end of events. It made me so uncomfortable, especially as they would convince the children to not be shy ..

Nicole1111 · 03/09/2023 11:23

I don’t think a kiss on the lips for a child is that weird, especially for older generations that don’t have the same concept of safeguarding as some younger people might. What I do find weird though if that she repeatedly undermines your boundary, despite it being clearly communicated on multiple occasions and despite knowing the risk in terms of health.

BertieBotts · 03/09/2023 11:28

I think it's normal to kiss family on the lips and I find it weird how disgusted everybody on MN is with this 😂

That said you do have a good reason and it's weird for her to say it's a "right". But there's definitely a wide gap between our beliefs despite the overlap.

I think it's sad when people are too afraid to kiss babies because of fear of disease. Definitely should be avoided if one party has an active cold sore, otherwise really not a big deal and a way to show affection (which is really important)

Original poster
MILMayhem · 03/09/2023 11:37

BertieBotts · 03/09/2023 11:28

I think it's normal to kiss family on the lips and I find it weird how disgusted everybody on MN is with this 😂

That said you do have a good reason and it's weird for her to say it's a "right". But there's definitely a wide gap between our beliefs despite the overlap.

I think it's sad when people are too afraid to kiss babies because of fear of disease. Definitely should be avoided if one party has an active cold sore, otherwise really not a big deal and a way to show affection (which is really important)

Fear of disease for a baby and child is so valid though, right?

I choose who I kiss or don’t kiss, I think every person has this right to choose whether they are 6 days old, 6 years or 60 🤷‍♀️

OP posts: