MIL wants to kiss baby/toddler… on the mouth?

[MILMayhem]

Since my LB has been born, we have had an issue with my MIL trying to kiss him on the mouth. She said it’s grandparents rights to do this. I have never been ok with this and have been quite clear that this is not to happen. Not only from a safety POV of infection for a new born but I find it very uncomfortable and I do not allow anyone to do this, neither of us, his parents, do this. I am big into safeguarding and unsafe adult behaviours and I feel she is deliberately pushing this boundary that we have set. This is really our only boundary in terms of must happens, we are relaxed and encourage loving relationships with family members. Originally I asked my DH to bring up and resolve which he did but she still pushing the boundaries. My LB has been very poorly throughout his little life so any increased infection risk is not easy, we have even had doctors tell us to limit certain behaviours which we have shared with her. She will try and kiss him and if I am there I have to say “not on the mouth” to her otherwise she tries to kiss him on the lips. I find it very odd. Is this normal for other people? No one else I know has ever tried to kiss him on the mouth or even the face as she does. Everyone is still very affectionate with him and we let him lead with cuddles and hand holding and close play (which he does often). It’s made every visit charged as I’m waiting for the swoop down and I know she will do it if I am not there. DH and I have said please do not do this and she persists.
She kisses her eldest son (45, my BIL not DH) full on the lips but not my DH or his sister. She also does not kiss her granddaughters at all.

If she can’t be trusted with your reasonable rule given his ill health, don’t let her see him.

My MIL does this too 🤦🏼‍♀️ she doesn’t kiss my husband on the lips but kisses him multiple times on the face when saying bye. We had our first baby and she kissed him and I asked DH to say to her so she stopped briefly. Now he’s a toddler (and barely knows her because she makes no effort) he doesn’t want people kissing and hugging him unless he’d choose to and I wouldn’t force him but she will practically chase him round our house for 20 minutes before leaving then kisses his face about 12 times. He hates it. Last time after she’d been he got really ill about 2 days later 🤦🏻‍♀️

She came to see the new baby and as she was holding her starting doing the noise of being about to kiss her. My husband asked her not to. If I was holding someone’s brand new baby at a couple of days old and they asked me not to do ANYTHING I’d instantly not do it and not question it. Instead she started asking why not, saying she’d never heard of RSV and she didn’t know that was a thing. To the point I then had to join in and give more reasons why you can’t kiss babies. It’s not like it’s the first baby we’ve had so if you’d been asked not to kiss the last one you’d think you’d just not! Really don’t understand these people that think everyone wants their germs slobbered all over their faces 😩

Yuck. As if anybody, at any age, wants to swap saliva with their grandparents.

Well then she cannot hold him. Easy enough.

Be clear she can kiss top of head only. Or she doesn't hold baby.

Personally I find people who force children to kiss them weird (reading other posts)

Kissing on the mouth, no, especially if your child has been unwell. But kisses on the cheek etc is fine. It makes me sad when mothers complain on here about grandparents wanting to hug or kiss their grandchild (on cheek etc). Nearly always the in-laws they are talking about. I don’t get why people find it abnormal a grandparent wanting to show affection to a small child.

are you asking for no kisses at all or just none on the lips?

This would be a hard no from me. My OH family kiss children on the lips to say goodbye. I hate it, it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I'm one of those people who cringe at the photos of David Beckham kissing his daughter on the lips.
We don't do it as parents and I would certainly not allow my MIL to do it to my baby or toddler. My MIL although they do it with other parts of the family know it is an absolute no with my dc. Although now they would tell them to back off.

She said it’s grandparents rights to do this

She kisses her eldest son (45, my BIL not DH) full on the lips but not my DH or his sister. She also does not kiss her granddaughters at all

No. Rank. She’s gone into a weird area.

But that aside, she’s flagrantly disregarding a hard rule you have due to the vulnerability of your child’s health. I wouldn’t allow her access to her grandchild (she has no rights at all, despite what she thinks) as she has no respect.

But also, it’s weird as fuck.

On the lips specifically but we are trying to encourage our toddler to decide on the kind of goodbye. Wave, kiss, cuddle or just say bye bye.

MIL, my mum, I’m not sure it matters really. Bring a related adult doesn’t make it ok to expect to be physically affection with children in a way that makes their primary care givers uncomfortable. Without being too dramatic, no one needs to kiss a baby or toddler on the mouth… ever. It’s very intimate and something the child can’t control (I have my own issues around this around DH childhood and exposures to inappropriate behaviours written off as ‘just being affectionate!’ That are actually child abuse so it’s a little charged I’ll admit)

Lip kisses are not for family! Too weird.

God mumsnet is weird! Is there really whole sections of society out there who don’t kiss babies anymore?!

SIL actually divorced BIL over mouth kisses as she had the major ick and they simply refused to stop doing it in front of her. Their right to behave as they wish and her right to say she was leaving 😭

Eugh. It would never even dawn on me to kiss someone else's baby or child. Holding/cuddles if their parent or carer is okay with that but kissing? Why's it necessary? Gross.

On the lips? Yes. Of sick and hospitalised children for breathing issues? Yes

Oh bless you OP, you are absolutely right to have an issue with this. In your situation I would be asking DH to speak to her and explaining that he needs to have a conversation specifically about the kissing so she has a good understanding (I'm sure you've probably explained everything to her clearly already but MIL's are dicks in my experience and need treating like children). Let her know that going forward, if she tries to do it again she won't be allowed to hold/cuddle him at all.

We've had similar issues. I don't let any family on either side kiss ds at all. If he wants to kiss them, that's different, but I won't allow adults to request or demand affection from him - what on earth is that teaching him about consent??

It's gross. My MIL does it with all her grandchildren too and now I won't take my dd to see her. My dh is fine with this as my MIL is a control freak who has a tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants. I feel your struggles.

That is revolting

I was just thinking that.

You both need to be firm about this and explain why. I'd also say that it makes it awkward for you.when she ignores your rules about it. IIts understandable of your baby is small or in any way at risk or immunocompromised.

I didn't grown up with my parents kissing me on the mouth and I don't kiss my own children on the mouth either. My inlaws both did it to nephew and my bil and sil saw no issue, however when I had my dd1 and said that it was a no, no they were not impressed. Dh said he didn't recall his parents ever kissing him on the lips, we are asian too and it just isn't a thing so was surprised they wanted to with grandchildren. Kisses on the cheek are absolute fine (in my opinion) and my kids are very keen on cuddles .

YANBU and I would be telling her grandparents have no rights, and I also wouldn’t be leaving baby alone with her even for a second.

I miss my mum and grandma kissing my on the lips, all whiskery! I kiss my babies on the mouth too. That said, no one else outside me and DP would be allowed to – though kissing babies generally is fine, babies like affection, on the whole. Once they’re old enough to determine whether they want hugs, kisses, handshakes, high fives, etc, I go with what they want.

And I wouldn’t dream of overriding a parent’s boundary or even having to have someone set me a “don’t kiss my baby on the lips” boundary – it’s weird to kiss someone else’s baby on the lips.

You simply shouldn’t kiss someone else’s baby on the lips, especially when you’ve been asked repeatedly not to, especially wine that baby’s health is vulnerable. Have a word with yourself.

Your weird desire to kiss a baby’s mouth does not trump the baby’s health and the parents’ wishes. Fuck sake.

Kissing babies on the lips is the main way the herpes virus is spread. I have a friend who is 50 and has had to put up with cold sores all his life, contracted from a relative kissing him when he was a baby. They come and go, but a constant pita.

I don't get people's issues with this but if you've asked her not to then she shouldn't do it.

I think that specifically not kissing babies or children on the lips, and having issue with it, is weird!!! I think lots of things that get mumsnet users upset is weird though 😂 I'm not British. I kiss my kids, my sister's kids, my adult kids, everyone on the cheek or on the lips. Just wherever it lands. There is zero weirdness or sexual intent, and I find it so odd that anyone would read sexual intent into a woman kissing a little baby. But anyway. You asked her to stop doing something to your child, she ought to stop. Not stopping when asked is the issue, even if she does this you're odd to say anything, it is your baby your rules!