To expect more support from friends

[Likeasinglemum]

Summary
Husband works long hours and a lot of weekends. Went to a family event yesterday with some friends (of his), all couples and kids. Topic of husband’s employment and absence got major traffic, it was pretty relentless. I have been quite upset and sleepless because of it.

AIBU to expect more support and understanding?

Background (so as not to drip feed)
Husband is working class, was in retail but furloughed over pandemic - we lost about 30k all in, plus promotion, haven’t been able to move house, nor complete family as planned because of it all. He’s since retrained, and is doing a lot of overtime to pay off debt to allow us to move forward and because he is contractually obliged to do overtime.

Friends are predominantly middle class, teachers, civil service, medics. They were not financially adversely affected through pandemic, completed their families and were able to do whatever they wanted in terms of life progression. They also were allowed to send their kids to school.

I’m turning up to events like this to try and give DC some sort of normalcy of a childhood and so they can see their friends. And I am faced with comments such as “I thought he took this job so he wouldn’t have to work Saturdays”, “He loves his work hahaha”, “He shouldn’t have to pay and do overtime after going on holiday”, “It’s bad for your family”….

The last one in particular has really upset me. My DH did not have the privilege of Uni. We are doing our best to rebuild our life after it was effectively demolished.

I do feel very upset that he’s not there. This job was meant to be 4 days a week, but the overtime and route to paying off debt has motivated him to do more.

One of DC is disabled and the plan had been for me to be working pt as well… (I am getting by on very little and he does not support me financially) but that hasn’t been able to happen (with him working so much).

I feel at a loss. I am doing my best and I have little control over this issue. At least until the debt is paid, he is insistent.

I’ve thought about messaging the friends to say I’ve been upset… but I don’t think they will actually get it.

It’s bringing back lockdown memories of when we were stuck inside traumatised and worried about money, with no outdoor space. While receiving picture messages from friends who remained fully employed of them out in the garden having just bought a hot tub, with champagne….

It’s worlds apart, can’t they just understand that a lot of people have shift work/changing rotas/inability to always refuse overtime?!

How is it helpful to tut and shake their heads about his employment and say it is “bad for our family”.

What the hell am I supposed to do? Sit in the house every weekend like some lepper because my husband works a Saturday?

Surely that would be “bad for my family”.

Lots of people work shift/weekends.
Do these friends realise that many people don’t work 9-5, Monday to Friday?

Do they actually know your situation?

They might not realise why he's working so hard to pay off debt etc.

It sounds like this is triggering bad memories of lockdown for you which is the biggest issue?

Some of their comments seem to come from ignorance rather than to hurt. I probably wouldn't say anything now, but would have a good reply ready for next time to shut it down.

You need to make new friends.

You would think they would.

They are intelligent people.

I think they think he should just magic up a “regular” job like them.

But A) he does not have a degree B) the pay cut wouldn’t service his needs at present.

It sounds like they are trying to sympathise with you that he's working too much, but getting it wrong. The difficulty you'll always have is that friends only know what you tell them about what's going on in life. If you don't tell them there are debt issues, then they will make other assumptions. You could find friends who show off their wealth less, or find friends who have less, or you could treat the friends you have as actual friends by telling them how you feel. It depends how much they mean to you as individuals.

Sounds like they are making conversation and are sympathetic. I think YABU and are totally overthinking this.

@babbscrabbs yes they do but they don’t seem to comprehend that being furloughed was not a dream scenario.

We’ve had to endure comments like “they didn’t have furlough in Italy”… along with heated rants over dinner about how the government gave out all the furlough money but won’t give pay rises to xyz workers…

Losing 20% of income is a big deal. We could not afford to lose that and it has effectively ruined our life.

Child diagnosed in midst of it all which compounded matters as I had to become a carer.

Thanks for cooking my jets on messaging esp when I haven’t slept.

Honestly we are still finding everything so hard to get through and this was just so upsetting when I just wanted to have a nice afternoon.

It sounds to me like you’re projecting your anger onto the wrong people. Regardless of the reasons, your husband is absent from your and your children’s lives a lot, isn’t supporting you financially (at all?), apparently isn’t allowing you to have any input into your family’s economic decisions etc — of course that’s ‘bad for your family’. Aren’t your friends just concerned about the impact this job is having on all of you?

I’m not sure what you want from these friends OP? Genuinely - for them to experience hardship, for them to never talk about their own lives, for them to only listen to how hard you guys have it. What is it?

@Lehenaghmore

I’m not angry at all.

I’m frustrated that I can’t go out for an afternoon without DH employment/absence being the major topic of conversation.

They know our situation so why make it tougher?

I’m wondering how to handle it because the situation isn’t going to change for the foreseeable and I want to be able to go out at weekends with friends.

Came across judgemental rather than concern. But regardless I can’t do anything about it.

He is trying to get another job but no luck so far.

And no he doesn’t support me. Pays for DC (equally) but not me.

If your friends don't get you, it's up to you to make new friends. It's not up to them to be the right person for you.

Take responsibility for the situation. Respect your feelings. Stay away from people who piss you off, and spend more time with those you feel good with. You have chosen these people. If they don't understand, that's not their problem. It's not their job to do/say things to make you feel good. Either tell them how you feel or create distance between you and them.

It's on you to fix this for yourself.

Your friends sound narrow minded and selfish. You will always have differences with them because they have easy incomes and don’t know anything else. If your DH is now working hard and earning more than them then they will resent that too when it begins to show.

New friends would be best. Otherwise, stand up for your DH, which may make them back off.

Does DH have any patience with these people? Can’t DC make new friends at school?

If you are taking care of your shared children while he works and doesn’t support you financially, what does he expect you to do for money?

Perhaps your friends are trying to raise the issue of financial abuse without saying it directly.

@KaySararSarar

To not go on and on about his job the entire afternoon.

They knew he wasn’t coming from group chat. So why the need to say “is he not coming, no, working? He’s always working, loves his work” etc etc

It made me feel upset and unhappy, when I was perfectly fine and looking forward to things before.

I actually think you are being quite unfair on your friends.
A) I think you are projecting your own frustrations onto them.
B) you are reading a lot into what was possibly just people making conversation and being (albeit clumsily) supportive.
C) You have a warped perception of everyone else having it easier in covid because of their "middle class" jobs. I have one of those, and yes financially I still got paid, but I also worked over 60/70 hours a week, watched colleagues getting sick and dying of covid, had to put my children into school where I knew they were probably going to get sick and none of their friends were there. They were in a classroom with a teacher they didn't know in a "bubble" because I was contractually obliged to be at work. The guilt of not being able to spend that time with them was huge. So yes, I may not have had the same financial challenges but YABVU to have some rose tinted jealous view of what their experiences of covid were like.

It sounds like you have a massive chip on your shoulder but that is not your friends fault.

Why is he working to earn all this money but not using any of it to support you? Are you not a team? Maybe your friends genuinely see that it is not benefiting you personally? You say that you are doing all the care work and are unable to work yourself. He's only able to work all the hours because of you, and yet you are scraping by? I'd agree that doesn't sound fair on your family.

Sounds like your friends have never had the misfortune of financial hardship - lucky them!

Did you bring this subject up or did someone else?

Next time, you need to politely but firmly make it clear you don’t want to go into the subject and move on to something else. Sharing your frustrations with one person you trust in private would be better.

I’m sorry you are going through a hard time, it sounds difficult.

But of course they’re judging him! I’m judging him and I don’t know either of you! It sounds to me as if the ‘he loves his work’ comments are an acknowledgement that he doesn’t support you financially while at the same time his overtime/weekend work doesn’t allow you to work because you’re loooking after your shared children…

Your husband doesn't support you financially? Why are you even with him. You're a family!

All sympathy for his plight was lost at that point.

I think @GRex made good points:
"It sounds like they are trying to sympathise with you that he's working too much, but getting it wrong. The difficulty you'll always have is that friends only know what you tell them about what's going on in life. If you don't tell them there are debt issues, then they will make other assumptions"

Also @Lehenaghmore makes a really interesting point about your anger

"It sounds to me like you’re projecting your anger onto the wrong people. Regardless of the reasons, your husband is absent from your and your children’s lives a lot, isn’t supporting you financially (at all?), apparently isn’t allowing you to have any input into your family’s economic decisions etc — of course that’s ‘bad for your family’. Aren’t your friends just concerned about the impact this job is having on all of you?"

OP, you do sound very angry and hurt and I think you need to work through where this is coming from. I think blaming your friends is easier than acknowledging that you're very upset about not being able to complete your family/the impact of the pandemic etc.

I do think you should also try to remember that just as your friends don't know the full story of your circumstances, you probably don't know the full story of theirs. Many teachers and especially medics had extremely stressful experiences during Covid and are still experiencing very tough working conditions, the pay disputes didn't materialise out of nowhere and aren't just about money. It may not be as rosy as their Instagram suggests.

@Watchkeys thank you, great advice.

@Fivethirtyeight you could have a point there, as I think he does earn more now. He would have less patience than me. The kids aren’t at the same school but have known each other from babies. One of kids is autistic so as you can imagine making new friends is a challenge.

You have sacrificed any chance of a career to raise his children, yet he does not support you financially.
Perhaps this is what your friends are driving at.
Why is he not supporting you?
If you worked he would have to pay for childcare.
I think maybe your friends are seeing things from a different perspective.
Maybe your anger is mis directed.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion.
The pandemic affected some people far more than others.

I think you need to look at your own situation and decide is it fair that you are the one picking up all the slack whilst your oh is building up his career and pension pot.

What do you mean he doesn’t support you?

Are you mad at the wrong person?

Don’t you have friends of your own to hang out with that would make you feel happier? If his friends are upsetting you and you don’t think they understand your situation then step away from them, its not doing you good to go to these settings just for the sake of your children having normalcy.

i do think you’re overthinking their comments a bit and as some others have said, you seem to be projecting some of your feelings of your situation to the comments and the friends. you might think they didnt have hardship during covid but you don’t know that. Those who were furloghed think the ones working were all fine and had no problems and the ones working thought those on furlough were getting free money and just redecorating their houses and making banana bread - majority of people had it hard one way or another.

also as you have mentioned it twice, the ‘privilege of uni’ isnt some magic card into a high paying position, otherwise majority of people would be in high flying careers.

If he is the sole earner he should be supporting you financially as well not just the kids. You might not be in a paid job but you’re still working while allowing him the opportunity to work.

It sounds like you’ve been through and are still going through such a tough time. Sorry, OP.
I sympathise- a lot of my child’s friends families happen to be in the medical profession (doctors mainly) and they seem to live in a slightly arrogant/ self important economic bubble. I hate going to gatherings when they’re there, their comments always have a slightly patronising edge.

I don’t think it’s personal, it’s just they just live in a different ‘world’ have no real reference on how economically tough Covid has been for others in less stable jobs/ professions. I’m (of course) not saying that Covid wasn’t stressful for them, but it’s completely different for you if it took away your families’s livelihood and you are still rebuilding your lives from it.

What I did was I sought out a few people I genuinely connected with and just treat DCs friends families as a necessary part of supporting my child. Could you shift your way of thinking about them from friends to acquaintances? (it’s what I did and it really helped my mental health).

Good luck, OP.