To expect more support from friends

[Likeasinglemum]

Summary
Husband works long hours and a lot of weekends. Went to a family event yesterday with some friends (of his), all couples and kids. Topic of husband’s employment and absence got major traffic, it was pretty relentless. I have been quite upset and sleepless because of it.

AIBU to expect more support and understanding?

Background (so as not to drip feed)
Husband is working class, was in retail but furloughed over pandemic - we lost about 30k all in, plus promotion, haven’t been able to move house, nor complete family as planned because of it all. He’s since retrained, and is doing a lot of overtime to pay off debt to allow us to move forward and because he is contractually obliged to do overtime.

Friends are predominantly middle class, teachers, civil service, medics. They were not financially adversely affected through pandemic, completed their families and were able to do whatever they wanted in terms of life progression. They also were allowed to send their kids to school.

I’m turning up to events like this to try and give DC some sort of normalcy of a childhood and so they can see their friends. And I am faced with comments such as “I thought he took this job so he wouldn’t have to work Saturdays”, “He loves his work hahaha”, “He shouldn’t have to pay and do overtime after going on holiday”, “It’s bad for your family”….

The last one in particular has really upset me. My DH did not have the privilege of Uni. We are doing our best to rebuild our life after it was effectively demolished.

I do feel very upset that he’s not there. This job was meant to be 4 days a week, but the overtime and route to paying off debt has motivated him to do more.

One of DC is disabled and the plan had been for me to be working pt as well… (I am getting by on very little and he does not support me financially) but that hasn’t been able to happen (with him working so much).

I feel at a loss. I am doing my best and I have little control over this issue. At least until the debt is paid, he is insistent.

I’ve thought about messaging the friends to say I’ve been upset… but I don’t think they will actually get it.

It’s bringing back lockdown memories of when we were stuck inside traumatised and worried about money, with no outdoor space. While receiving picture messages from friends who remained fully employed of them out in the garden having just bought a hot tub, with champagne….

It’s worlds apart, can’t they just understand that a lot of people have shift work/changing rotas/inability to always refuse overtime?!

How is it helpful to tut and shake their heads about his employment and say it is “bad for our family”.

What the hell am I supposed to do? Sit in the house every weekend like some lepper because my husband works a Saturday?

Surely that would be “bad for my family”.

My reading of this is that your friends don't approve of your husband. They might not even believe he's actually working. The language you use is somewhat concerning. You don't know what money he earns and everything is apparently going to clear his debt, you think.
You have a disabled kid and you seem to have severe health problems and work pt, yet everything is 50:50. If I was your friend I don't think I'd like your husband either.

I think the friends are trying to gently point out that DH working so much is making your life more difficult. If they don’t know your financial situation then all they see is you (disabled) always looking after your (disabled) child on your own.

Also if DH cut his hours allowing you to work part-time, that money could also go in the family pot. It might also be beneficial to you emotionally/mentally to be able to work.

Op you sound very unsure of the finances in your family.
What kind of retail job does he do where 20% of his wages was £30k? To be earning that level in retail you wouldn’t be on an hourly rate or working extra to earn more.
Are you sure husband is being honest about everything?

I'd be looking for better friends. Ignorance or just plain rudeness, tell them to mind their own business next time.

@WanderinStar @nancy75

I am very sure of the finances; I do the taxes and transfer part of my allowance to him at present, again to reduce debt.

I’m aware the debt is being paid off as the bulk of the money due is to a relative.

re. 30k: about 13k in lost earnings, and because the business contracted a further 10k lost from promotion which couldn’t go ahead/7k lost from overtime.

I agree with this, there's likely something he isn't telling you. You say you think he earns more than doctors, teachers and those in the civil service in a job he hasn't been in for very long. He does 60-70 hours a week so must have willingly opted out of working time directives because retail doesn't fall within the exemptions. The salary doesn't match unless he's fairly senior.

@Seashellies please read above explanation.

He lost about 13k off his wages over the furlough period.

But he also lost 7k overtime over a longer period (not available as business contracted).

And he lost promotion which would have added about 5k annually.

He has now retrained and left retail as no prospect of it picking up anytime soon, most of colleagues moved on too.

Do your friends know about your financial or health ? issues mine have zero idea about my finances. I also have a ton of health issues but share that information very sparingly I’m classed as disabled but virtually no one knows because I just don’t share that information.

I think that the pressure of debt. The lack of support because he just isn’t physically present and your child’s and your own health issues is getting to you and messing with your head which is understandable.

So the comments especially if they don’t know how difficult things are just that comments and not made with malice.

Even if you don’t mix money, have you actually seen his statements and paperwork so you actually have a true picture?

How does he know all these friends-you describe him as being working class and all of them as being middle-class? How did they all meet? How did DH react when you told him what had happened?

To be honest, you had a crap afternoon and they aren’t even your friends! I’d be spending my weekends with my own friends.

Your friends are medics who don’t understand shift work and overtime?? And who spent lockdown drinking champagne in hot tubs?
Feck them - your husband is working hard to do what is right for your family. If they are too thick to comprehend that people have different financial circumstances that’s on them..

Earns more than the friends now I think or comparable

Friends are predominantly middle class, teachers, civil service, medics

Can I ask what your DH has retrained as?

You need to come to terms with furlough being what it was, it's unfortunate he couldn't find one of the many many supermarket retail temp jobs during it, there were tonnes here and people could keep their furlough pay as well as the wages from this. Unfortunate you weren't in an area like this, but it's done now and can't be changed, its just as ignorant to assume working throughout was a bed of roses as much as its ignorant for people to say they wish they'd been furloughed.

Impressive he's retrained and found a job that pays more than established professionals so not sure why you keep mentioning they have degrees and he doesn't. He could have one if he was ever motivated to do so; plenty of people train as a mature student if they cant/don't want to when they leave school- again it is what it is and being bitter about it doesn't serve anyone.

Your friends are medics who don’t understand shift work and overtime??

Any doctor will have worked shifts and had to do rotational training so this is ridiculous isn't it.

@Montbresia have tried to explain, I don’t think they want to know or truly get it.

They know roughly about my health, but again because it’s not glaringly obvious I don’t think they grasp it. I’m on a lot of pain medication and I have to rest before/after going out for a long period.

The only stuff I haven’t seen is the credit card statements. As I say, to my knowledge the bulk is due to a relative.

@Shinyandnew1 they met as teens, one of them went out with his neighbour then they lived together. He was a bit pissed off, then took us to dinner to try and cheer me up.

I obviously took things much more to heart.

I’m amazed some of these friends are medics, as the hours for that are horrendous. My husband is a medic and it’s accepted within our friendship groups that I’ll often be coming on my own due to his hours.

The friends probably would like to see him and are a bit disappointed. As for the comment on the effect on your family, to be fair it’s true, it’s not ideal, but it’s the price you pay for that career. I’ve accepted it’s not ideal for our family and I do a lot of stuff alone with the kids, but I look at my friends families and see a lot of hours being worked in all sorts of jobs there too. The cost of living crisis and work culture is having a dire effect on family life right now.

Don’t take it so personally would be my recommendation.

I'm so sorry to be so nosy and please tell me to fuck off if you want, but can I ask how pregnancy will improve your gynae issues? I've never heard of a Dr recommending pregnancy as a fix for gynae health probs before and am interested in pregnancy and it's medical effects on the body. Was wondering if it's anything autoimmune (as you mention the bowel) and if the lowered immune system during pregnancy is the effect being sought?

As I say so sorry to be so nosy but I've googled and it doesn't come up, looking for "gynae problems cured by pregnancy" just brings up results about "gynae problems during pregnancy"!

out in the garden having just bought a hot tub, with champagne….

It was the furloughed people on my FB posting photos of themselves drinking in the garden tbh, not the medics who were still working long shifts and the teachers who were still in work or doing online learning.

Re the friends, I'd just be incredibly blunt. Say "Bob is working these hours because he has to - we suffered financially from COVID, I have long term illness which makes it hard for me to work, and as you know we have Johnny whose needs mean he can't go into childcare so I have to be at home to look after him. I don't like feeling judged by you, as a friend I'm sure you know we are both doing our very best for our kids. It makes me very uncomfortable when you keep remarking on it - please can we just draw a line and not mention it again".

It will be incredibly awkward for a moment, but if they are good friends that should knock it on the head. If it doesn't, they are not good friends, and if you want to maintain your kids' friendships maybe move to hosted playdates ("feel free to just drop little Jimmy at mine and go get your nails done or something, I'm sure you could use a break!") and avoid socialising with them any more.

He earns about 29-35 at the moment depending on how much overtime he does. Prob about 33 this year. 60-70hrs, unsociable. And that’s about the ceiling.

To be able to earn this, have scope for progression and work 37.5-50hrs from what he’s seeing degree is needed. I am still trying to encourage him in this direction but he will not hear of it until the debt is clear (circa Xmas).

What I'm picking up is that these were HIS friends not yours.

So of course they would talk about him.

I wouldn't go to a family event on my own with DP's friends and their DCs without him.

I would also agree with a PP that it sounds like you and DH are already stretched well beyond your means both financially, emotionally and health-wise - if there is any alternative to dealing with your medical issues that doesn't involve having another kid I'd go down that route. Seems a very drastic solution given it may cause more problems than it solves (as I say don't understand the mechanism by which pregnancy may cure your gynae issues, but what if you then get a birth injury that is just as disabling?) What if your next child is even more profoundly disabled than your current disabled child, and meeting both their needs becomes impossible? Another child is not cheap, even a neurotypical one.

I'm not someone who says only the rich should be able to have kids - a lot of families on low incomes work their socks off to make it work and have large happy families. You already sound like someone who is already stretched to breaking point and I can't see that another child will do anything other than tip you over that breaking point.

I have severe endometriosis, adenomyosis and autoimmune issues. Pregnancy/breastfeeding helps by shrinking the endometrial tissue and lessening pain/damage. Not a cure per se but it calms things down. Will eventually have a hysterectomy but too young at present.

This

I wonder if the friends ARE being supportive of you by slightly disapproving of his choices.

Teachers and medics work punishing hours so I can’t imagine they are putting down how much work can affect family

You said some of these friends were medics? Not sure they would have had a great time in the pandemic either? 🙄

This is precisely why we haven’t gone ahead with pregnancy because the position is not viable until debt resolved and in a more secure place in every respect. Don’t know if it will happen at all now.