To expect more support from friends

[Likeasinglemum]

Summary
Husband works long hours and a lot of weekends. Went to a family event yesterday with some friends (of his), all couples and kids. Topic of husband’s employment and absence got major traffic, it was pretty relentless. I have been quite upset and sleepless because of it.

AIBU to expect more support and understanding?

Background (so as not to drip feed)
Husband is working class, was in retail but furloughed over pandemic - we lost about 30k all in, plus promotion, haven’t been able to move house, nor complete family as planned because of it all. He’s since retrained, and is doing a lot of overtime to pay off debt to allow us to move forward and because he is contractually obliged to do overtime.

Friends are predominantly middle class, teachers, civil service, medics. They were not financially adversely affected through pandemic, completed their families and were able to do whatever they wanted in terms of life progression. They also were allowed to send their kids to school.

I’m turning up to events like this to try and give DC some sort of normalcy of a childhood and so they can see their friends. And I am faced with comments such as “I thought he took this job so he wouldn’t have to work Saturdays”, “He loves his work hahaha”, “He shouldn’t have to pay and do overtime after going on holiday”, “It’s bad for your family”….

The last one in particular has really upset me. My DH did not have the privilege of Uni. We are doing our best to rebuild our life after it was effectively demolished.

I do feel very upset that he’s not there. This job was meant to be 4 days a week, but the overtime and route to paying off debt has motivated him to do more.

One of DC is disabled and the plan had been for me to be working pt as well… (I am getting by on very little and he does not support me financially) but that hasn’t been able to happen (with him working so much).

I feel at a loss. I am doing my best and I have little control over this issue. At least until the debt is paid, he is insistent.

I’ve thought about messaging the friends to say I’ve been upset… but I don’t think they will actually get it.

It’s bringing back lockdown memories of when we were stuck inside traumatised and worried about money, with no outdoor space. While receiving picture messages from friends who remained fully employed of them out in the garden having just bought a hot tub, with champagne….

It’s worlds apart, can’t they just understand that a lot of people have shift work/changing rotas/inability to always refuse overtime?!

How is it helpful to tut and shake their heads about his employment and say it is “bad for our family”.

What the hell am I supposed to do? Sit in the house every weekend like some lepper because my husband works a Saturday?

Surely that would be “bad for my family”.

Regarding the issues faced by medics, teachers, civil service etc.

Not disregarding any of that, my DH works 60-70hrs as standard so I understand that is difficult and we had numerous bereavements also so understand the trauma.

My point is for our friends the pandemic is done with, but for us we are still in recovery mode and trying to get through. And they are scoffing at DH efforts and putting him/us down.

Re. Him supporting me; I am a carer, I have health issues myself, and I have some family support. I don’t have a lot but it’s enough for the time being. My priority is DH paying off his debt because until that is done we can’t move house/complete family. He has tried to pay for things for me, but I do not want to be “kept”, particularly when that prolongs the financial issues. If he is debt free it’s a different matter and I take all points on board.

My point is for our friends the pandemic is done with, but for us we are still in recovery mode and trying to get through. And they are scoffing at DH efforts and putting him/us down.

you be surprised how many people are still recovering, just because their jobs weren't affected doesn't mean they weren't. The mental health issues from the pandemic will be around for years. * *

Can I gently suggest that they might not have been "scoffing at his efforts"? The words they used were not in fact mean, just intrusive and a little insensitive. The only really thoughtless one was saying it was bad for the family. Why didn't you correct them? "Yes, I miss him at the weekends, but we are trying to recoup our financial losses from COVID and so for a while he'll need to work overtime"

If you enjoy their company otherwise state your boundaries i.e ‘please can we move on to other topics than x’s job as I find it very triggering.’
If they persist it may be time to find a new social group.

@Aroma220 I came in said hello, few comments about the kids then straight into it. Wasn’t expecting it at all; they knew he wasn’t coming and why.

I have a sneaking suspicion maybe they think he is paying for me and that’s why he is working so hard… which is so not it!! Maybe they haven’t properly registered what we’ve said before, or haven’t understood we can’t put disabled child in childcare, I don’t know.

I’m glad of all the differing perspectives, it’s helped me to have a more balanced view of things.

@hettie I did say this and the response was to make a nasal noise and to become preoccupied with one of the kids 🙄

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Overall I agree with some PP that the issue here seems to be more with your husband and perhaps the friends' comments are making him the topic of conversation when you'd rather not discuss it.

One thing that does jump out at me is that you say you weren't able to "complete your family" because of this, when from your post it sounds as though you already have at least two children, one of whom has some additional needs. How many children did you plan to have? Because my husband and I are in "middle class jobs", as are most of our friends, and nearly everyone we know has stopped at two children for financial reasons. Maybe having three or four children is your dream, maybe having financial stability is your dream, but unless you have already achieved the financial stability and have plenty of money to spare, having more children is often what makes the difference between being financially comfortable and struggling to make ends meet. Given your situation I would really try and make your peace with the idea that your family is already complete.

Then on to the situation with your husband. Of course it is completely understandable that he's doing what is necessary to get back on an even keel financially after the upheaval of the last few years. That may well mean that you go through some tough times in terms of him not being around that much. What I do think is unacceptable is him not supporting you financially. In order for him to actually do these shifts and overtime, he needs you to look after the children. That means it isn't just him earning this money, you are contributing too and it should be family money. It simply isn't acceptable for you not to have any of it for yourself.

You don't mention working yourself. Is there any possibility of you getting a job so that you can have some money of your own and your husband can perhaps work less antisocial hours? It's also worth noting that trying to support a family with at least two children on a single income is very difficult these days even without the Covid related issues. And apart from the money it sounds like it might be good for you going forward to have something going on in your life other than taking care of children and supporting your husband to earn money.

As for your friends, I wouldn't act hastily, but I would say something, perhaps to some of the more sensitive ones in private, about how you are finding the situation difficult and you know they mean well but having your husband's working arrangements picked over by the whole group was upsetting and humiliating for you and you'd appreciate it if they didn't do that again.

OP please let him make pension contributions for you - extra ones.

You're actually supporting him financially. He couldn't earn so much money if he had to take responsibility for 50% of the childcare (he's as equal a parent as you). Either he'd have to work less or pay a lot for a carer! Assuming you're cooking, cleaning, doing laundry too? In which case, again, you're financially supporting him. Without you he'd have to do it himself or pay someone.

So don't think you don't deserve anything. You do.

Also, what would happen if he finishes paying off his debt (not a joint one, so family money going to it) and decides he wants a divorce? Where will you be?

Please, please prioritise your financial well-being the same way he is. He's focussed on improving his personal financial situation, using all the resources he has to hand, which includes your time for free. He's spending your time, and what do you get for it? Imagine you did the same to him for 50% of the time!

Re your friends, they're in a bubble. Lucky them. You'll feel less shit if you can widen your friendship group to include different sorts of people, especially ones who get you.

I don't think there's any need to mention the drama of being 'triggered', or even that it's upsetting for you, OP. 'Er, can we move on from talking about Bob's work schedule..?' should be enough. If your friends don't get that, they're not friends.

Totally agree with this. I would echo the same. This is not a good situation for you as it sounds like you have no money for yourself and hardly any pension pot.

I’m also not sure I agree with your comments about university. I understand it’s much more expensive now, but when we were at uni (i’m in my 30s), i paid for everything myself through working. So not sure it’s a ‘privilege’.

You also seem to blame your husband’s job/ lower salary on his lack of uni. There are many of us out there who work perfectly well paid jobs which don’t require a degree even though we have one.

This. Your friends are being a bit insensitive and clueless, but your husband is opting out of family life and not supporting you financially - wtf is going on with that last one if you have a disabled child and cannot work?! I bet he finds working easier and more rewarding than doing his share struggling at home - lots of men do at the expense of building a relationship with their children.

What do you mean he's not supporting you?! How the hell are you supposed to earn enough to buy your own shoes/clothes/haircuts if you are looking after your joint shared disabled child?

I sound frustrated but you have to let him share the money.

Surely the major problem in your life, which you shuffled in ti a few words in the middle of your op, is that you are being financially abused!!

One pot op. All earned money is joint money to be jointly decided how it's spent, once one half of the partnership loses their earnings because they take on the joint childcare.

If your DH isn’t supporting your financially, and you aren’t working, then how are you managing? How do you pay your half of the mortgage and bills? What about if you need new clothes? Where does that come from? OP I do think it sounds like your friends are worried about you if they can’t let this go - maybe it’s difficult for you to see that as you are frustrated about the inequality you see between you, but if this is something that comes up again and again, then maybe just be more open and honest with them- they obviously don’t know your husbands financial situation, but they do see that he isn’t supporting you financially, practically or emotionally and they care about you and are trying to find ways to understand what is going on (obviously that’s just speculation though)

@MargotBamborough I have severe gynae issues and we have been under pressure (from docs) for me to have another child medically.

I agree that DH money should be family money, however my priority is getting his debt wiped. He pays 50:50, for the time being that is enough.

I am not working due to disabled child primarily. But I am also unfortunately now permanently disabled due to the gynae issues/delay of pregnancy (damage to bowel etc) so it limits my options. I am looking into something flexible online either work or study because I’m going quite crackers. Needless to say this was not my plan…

Really good advice on last paragraph thank you.

@arethereanyleftatall

I am getting by on very little and he does not support me financially

God, yes, that's massively imporstant!

@Likeasinglemum

His support for you financially was put in place when he married you. Legally.

if these comments upset you, you need to raise this politely but clearly with your friends.

The big issue is your P not supporting you even though you can’t work due to supporting the children. This is abusive.

@MariaVT65 DH had to go out to work full time to support his family as parents ill.

He earns more than them currently I think but because he works nearly twice as long with antisocial hours.

When he’s been looking for jobs the only ones with comparable pay, sociable hours require a degree.

@MariaVT65 sorry that was a clumsy post. He had to go out and work after finishing school to help support his family… so he was not privileged to go to Uni.

Earns more than the friends now I think or comparable.

Some people just live in bubbles unfortunately.

You're choosing to allow the bulk of DHs money to be used to clear the family debt and once that's complete you'll go back to one pot of money for the family?

That seems sensible

I'm assuming that you've now shelved the idea of another child? It doesn't appear to be a possibility any more. which is very sad but perhaps for the best as you are disabled and one of your children is too

With regards to your "middle class" friends and their comments.......if you tell them clearly that you don't want to talk about DH not being around and they STILL talk about it.....I'm not sure there's a huge amount you can do

Perhaps explain it clearly on WhatsApp before the meet-ups?

If you're telling them how upset you are when they talk about it and they continue to talk about it, then they're not friends

Perhaps just see them as a means of giving your children a time to mix with other kids?

yes they do but they don’t seem to comprehend that being furloughed was not a dream scenario.

You saw that on here all the time. I for one was very glad myself or DH wasn't furloughed

You're being very ignorant towards those professions who worked in epically ahitty conditions during the pandemic. Sure they still got paid but its not done and dusted for many. Medics also work shifts, have to rotate when JDs and have unpredictable rotas; I honestly can't imagine them mentioning it just because of that. The more likely scenario from what you have said is that they can see he's opting out of family life working such long hours and doesn't financially support you. There are entry level jobs that don't demand such long hours that are reasonably paid. If they're decent friends they're probably concerned for you.

C) You have a warped perception of everyone else having it easier in covid because of their "middle class" jobs. I have one of those, and yes financially I still got paid, but I also worked over 60/70 hours a week, watched colleagues getting sick and dying of covid, had to put my children into school where I knew they were probably going to get sick and none of their friends were there. They were in a classroom with a teacher they didn't know in a "bubble" because I was contractually obliged to be at work. The guilt of not being able to spend that time with them was huge. So yes, I may not have had the same financial challenges but YABVU to have some rose tinted jealous view of what their experiences of covid were like.

Equally you cannot extrapolate your situation to everyone.