To expect more support from friends

[Likeasinglemum]

Summary
Husband works long hours and a lot of weekends. Went to a family event yesterday with some friends (of his), all couples and kids. Topic of husband’s employment and absence got major traffic, it was pretty relentless. I have been quite upset and sleepless because of it.

AIBU to expect more support and understanding?

Background (so as not to drip feed)
Husband is working class, was in retail but furloughed over pandemic - we lost about 30k all in, plus promotion, haven’t been able to move house, nor complete family as planned because of it all. He’s since retrained, and is doing a lot of overtime to pay off debt to allow us to move forward and because he is contractually obliged to do overtime.

Friends are predominantly middle class, teachers, civil service, medics. They were not financially adversely affected through pandemic, completed their families and were able to do whatever they wanted in terms of life progression. They also were allowed to send their kids to school.

I’m turning up to events like this to try and give DC some sort of normalcy of a childhood and so they can see their friends. And I am faced with comments such as “I thought he took this job so he wouldn’t have to work Saturdays”, “He loves his work hahaha”, “He shouldn’t have to pay and do overtime after going on holiday”, “It’s bad for your family”….

The last one in particular has really upset me. My DH did not have the privilege of Uni. We are doing our best to rebuild our life after it was effectively demolished.

I do feel very upset that he’s not there. This job was meant to be 4 days a week, but the overtime and route to paying off debt has motivated him to do more.

One of DC is disabled and the plan had been for me to be working pt as well… (I am getting by on very little and he does not support me financially) but that hasn’t been able to happen (with him working so much).

I feel at a loss. I am doing my best and I have little control over this issue. At least until the debt is paid, he is insistent.

I’ve thought about messaging the friends to say I’ve been upset… but I don’t think they will actually get it.

It’s bringing back lockdown memories of when we were stuck inside traumatised and worried about money, with no outdoor space. While receiving picture messages from friends who remained fully employed of them out in the garden having just bought a hot tub, with champagne….

It’s worlds apart, can’t they just understand that a lot of people have shift work/changing rotas/inability to always refuse overtime?!

How is it helpful to tut and shake their heads about his employment and say it is “bad for our family”.

What the hell am I supposed to do? Sit in the house every weekend like some lepper because my husband works a Saturday?

Surely that would be “bad for my family”.

Are you saying that multiple doctors have been pushing you to get pregnant for years?

@Fluffygoon I would suspect that he hasn’t told them things in detail, he’s very proud and took what happened badly.

Perhaps they’re frustrated/disappointed not to see him and you’re then bearing the brunt of their comments.

This is probably true, although the main one to upset me was one of the wives so make of that what you will.

Yes. Because there are fertility issues associated with the disease and pregnancy is preferred to multiple invasive surgeries. If the person wants a family and they are in a relationship they bring it up. Brought my plans for pregnancy forward 7yrs initially. I also found there was a presumption I was in having repeated surgeries for fertility reasons, so conversations would arise around this, even though I’d had the surgeries due to severe pain/other symptoms.

Main issues have been with registrars rather than consultants, latter have been more measured and mature. The reg who told me to “sort my life out” after explaining the impact covid had and that it ruled out a further child despite being wanted was an isolated incident. Again, I should have complained, but enough on plate at the time.

Update - msged friend (who wasn’t one of the ones saying anything), and got the kindest most supportive message back. Said everyone knows what is going on, understands but that the 9-5ers in group who’ve never had money issues can’t grasp our situation.

Thank you to all for your advice and help. Reaching out and having an honest discussion really helped and I feel much better supported.

Some people on shift work often earn more than 9-5ers because they are on shift.

Im glad you got a nice message back.

Op I have had a few friends like this and tbh I've distanced myself a lot from them because sadly money matters more in some friendships than it should. You don't have to personally endure a specific hardship to be able to empathise with someone going through one. Especially a friend. To be honest they sound a bit self involved and rude.

I think you need a line that shuts them down completely and I think it would be fine for you to take a little bit of the frustration you feel here and give it to them. I'd have sharply informed them that it's for you to decide what's good for your family and not them. The more you bite back and shut that line of conversation down the sooner they'll drop it or they'll show you who they are.