To expect more support from friends

[Likeasinglemum]

Summary
Husband works long hours and a lot of weekends. Went to a family event yesterday with some friends (of his), all couples and kids. Topic of husband’s employment and absence got major traffic, it was pretty relentless. I have been quite upset and sleepless because of it.

AIBU to expect more support and understanding?

Background (so as not to drip feed)
Husband is working class, was in retail but furloughed over pandemic - we lost about 30k all in, plus promotion, haven’t been able to move house, nor complete family as planned because of it all. He’s since retrained, and is doing a lot of overtime to pay off debt to allow us to move forward and because he is contractually obliged to do overtime.

Friends are predominantly middle class, teachers, civil service, medics. They were not financially adversely affected through pandemic, completed their families and were able to do whatever they wanted in terms of life progression. They also were allowed to send their kids to school.

I’m turning up to events like this to try and give DC some sort of normalcy of a childhood and so they can see their friends. And I am faced with comments such as “I thought he took this job so he wouldn’t have to work Saturdays”, “He loves his work hahaha”, “He shouldn’t have to pay and do overtime after going on holiday”, “It’s bad for your family”….

The last one in particular has really upset me. My DH did not have the privilege of Uni. We are doing our best to rebuild our life after it was effectively demolished.

I do feel very upset that he’s not there. This job was meant to be 4 days a week, but the overtime and route to paying off debt has motivated him to do more.

One of DC is disabled and the plan had been for me to be working pt as well… (I am getting by on very little and he does not support me financially) but that hasn’t been able to happen (with him working so much).

I feel at a loss. I am doing my best and I have little control over this issue. At least until the debt is paid, he is insistent.

I’ve thought about messaging the friends to say I’ve been upset… but I don’t think they will actually get it.

It’s bringing back lockdown memories of when we were stuck inside traumatised and worried about money, with no outdoor space. While receiving picture messages from friends who remained fully employed of them out in the garden having just bought a hot tub, with champagne….

It’s worlds apart, can’t they just understand that a lot of people have shift work/changing rotas/inability to always refuse overtime?!

How is it helpful to tut and shake their heads about his employment and say it is “bad for our family”.

What the hell am I supposed to do? Sit in the house every weekend like some lepper because my husband works a Saturday?

Surely that would be “bad for my family”.

If he lost £13k on his basic wage & was furloughed for the full 17 months he must have been earning about £45k pa. why has he moved to a job earning £30k?

@nancy75 because as I explained he had to retrain for a completely different sector.

Also @nancy75 a lot of people were kept at furlough level doing less hours for a period of time while businesses adjusted it was not just the 17 months!! More like 2yrs.

Seems an odd thing to take a huge pay cut if you’re worried about paying off debts. Sorry I can’t get my head round this at all

Furlough ran from March 2020 to sept 2021

I want to be as sensitive as possible in saying this @Likeasinglemum but there are multiple issues going on here.

I have a DH who works INSANE hours, I also have two toddlers one of who is disabled to the point I had to give up work and become a full time carer. DH was raised very upper middle class whilst I grew up on benefits with very little.

Firstly, you are angry, call it frustration whatever but you’re angry and that’s ok because your situation is shit and you’re entitled to your feelings. I’m angry too a lot of the time, but your anger is misplaced. The fact that your friends have a level of privilege is no more their fault than you not having privilege is yours. In the nicest way, it’s hard to have friends in a different social class as they generally don’t understand and you either have to learn to say what you feel clearly and openly or bite your lip. You cannot sit there silently fuming because they just don’t ‘get it’. That’s not fair or healthy.

Secondly, it doesn’t matter what the hell DH is trying to achieve or what debt you have. Literally everyone has their bag of misfortune they’re dealing with (I won’t detail all of ours) and he can not simply opt out of his parental responsibility to do excess overtime. Especially if you owe to family, they’re not going to come banging on your door breaking his legs! My DH works for the NHS and I swear had I not put my foot very firmly down I’d still not have seen the guy since covid struck (works largely on intensive care). You have to stand up for your own health and well-being. You need to sleep, eat and live. You are not a machine and DH needs to co parent his damn kids! They won’t be little for long, he can work crazy overtime once they’re at school.

lastly, and this is going to sound harsh but remember I’m in the same boat. YOU ARE BEING A MARTYR! Stop struggling to get by whilst DH ‘doesn’t financially support you’ WTF?!?! That’s insane, you gave up work to look after your disabled child but you sound proud of the fact you don’t rely financially on DH. That’s wild. You’re a team and honestly it sounds like your life right now is hideous and non existent. I understand every inch of red tape you feel you are tied up in. I get the situation I really do, it’s so hard. But no one is going to improve it for you other than you.

Somewhere over the last year I grew a real f y attitude toward DH and started to take what I needed to get by with decent MH. Because it was never going to be offered or given willingly. Work was always first. Now he doesn’t get that choice.

Thank you for that! I assume then it's not so much they are saying "you should get pregnant for your health" and more "if you are planning on having more children, so it sooner rather than later as it will help to slow the damage and ease the pain"? Just because I've never heard a Dr recommend pregnancy as a necessary medical treatment and it would be pretty irresponsible of them without considering the rest of your circumstances (not to mention whether or not you actually want another child!) Is there any chance you could extend the benefits of bf by extended pumping (assuming you do have another) or does that not have the same mechanism on the system? Also, surely they can recommend a hysterectomy at any age if it's medically indicated?? Seems very unfair to delay a potentially curative treatment arbitrarily due to your age!

@nancy75 DH worked his way up to managerial position within a single company. To be able to get this position in another company they were looking for a degree.

Due to covid the company contracted, this meant a lot of the work he was doing, overtime and so forth, plus promotion was not there anymore hence he dropped down in wage to about 30k. The company was in danger of folding entirely so he decided to retrain and get out while he could.

He is now in a totally different sector with slightly better pay and routes for progression/further training.

Furlough may have run until sept 2021, but turnover and people’s pay packets didn’t miraculously go back to what they were pre pandemic overnight!

I hope that will suffice for the forensic analysis.

Your h does not support you financially and you get by on very little?

The maths doesn't add up that he lost £13k during covid on that kind of salary. Furlough was 80%. £13k lost in the whole furlough period would have been based on a salary of about £63k before any overtime.

Also, I think your friends are commenting out of concern and worry for you, although they are probably not using the best words for this. Maybe something also isn't adding up to them so they are making comments. Next time they do it you need to just say I don't want to talk at all about my DH job please as it gets me down. End of, finish their comments.

I think you are aiming your anger at the wrong people in some cases as well. It doesn't matter that your friend got a hot tub, they can buy what they like. I worked right through covid and I was constantly seeing people posting how they were living the life on furlough with all this time off, your friends possibly have the same thoughts as it seems an insane amount of debt to have gone into by losing 20% but assuming there was also some savings on transport/working expenses, so was it truly 20%? Maybe there was other debt before.

And yes its financial abuse that your DH isn't considering you in any if this.

Yup, those medic friends must have had it sooo easy through lockdown
and obvs work 9-5.

Tbh I don't see why another relative should be supporting you, while your DH isn't? How much is the debt? As others have said, you are enabling him to work by looking after his children. You need to be a team and that includes finances. Why haven't you seen his credit card statement, that might tell you a lot.
I think the friends may have been hinting that he isn't actually doing overtime but is somewhere else. Or are just concerned about why you are often left alone at weekends etc. It does sound intrusive but maybe it's coming from concern.

@StarBloo his furlough wage was calculated on basic contract, not what he was actually getting at the time. I will go back and check. But that is what was lost in savings/spent on credit while we were paying bills out of it. And what I saw on payslips.

I don’t do Facebook but I can’t imagine anyone having a great time on furlough. All I remember hearing is staff being suicidal and having to sell this that or the other to cope. Perhaps some industries were better equipped to cope than others.

There was other debt before as we’d a car loan of about 10k left plus he had some historic debt… we were very reliant on his overtime and promotion, particularly with what was going on with DC.

This.

My sister is a medic and ended up on anti depressants because of work during the pandemic. She'd never suffered from mental health issues before, she was in a terrible way. She could have only dreamt of being furloughed!

No, it is get pregnant for your health. I have explained the circumstances that we have nowhere to put another child, nor the finances at present… The attitude was “sort it out”. Hysterectomy can cause skeletal/heart issues, often they leave the ovaries in younger women which defeats the purpose as endo can still grow then. No cure as such. Have had lots of abdominal surgery so they want to limit further as scar tissue can cause similar issues. Good thinking on the bf.

No, it is get pregnant for your health. I have explained the circumstances that we have nowhere to put another child, nor the finances at present… The attitude was “sort it out”.

WTF-a doctor said this?

Wow, a doctor said get pregnant for your health. This has to be a first.

Also, hysterectomy here at 35 with everything removed, no issues.

If a doctor has genuinely "pressured" you into having a child, and then continued to pressure you even when you explained this is not financially viable, then you need to be making a formal complaint. That is highly unusual and grossly inappropriate.

If you don't like them talking about your problems, and I think they are trying to be supportive, then just change the subject every time, preferably to something more positive in your life. Groups can sometimes get stuck on a single track of conversation especially when there is someone who presents negatively and they try to sympathise.

Lots of us have had similar issues with being devasted we couldnt extend our family, struggled with debt, life changing health issues, working long hours (all of these even pre covid) - you need to work out how to not to let them define who you are and present the positive aspects of your life.

I know it is not easy, life isn't sometimes, I had a shit decade in my 20s/30s which, while it changed the life I wanted/had planned, is thankfully now a distant memory.

I understand your situation as I had similar when my children were small. My husband had a second job at the weekend as I was unable to return to work as planned due to my child's disability. He was working 7 days a week.

I think friends find it hard to understand something outside of their own experience sometimes. I'd attend gatherings alone with my children and always get questioned about why he wasn't there. No matter how many times I explained some people came to the conclusion that I was making excuses for him and he didn't like them or was anti-social and didn't want to attend. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

My advice is carry on going and don't worry about what others think.

A lot of what you're saying doesn't make sense
You're talking about furlough, surely your expenses during this time reduced?
Then a promotion, this wasn't guaranteed so you seem to be banking on money that was never guaranteed
And no Dr would ever put you under pressure to get pregnant!
I think you're frustrated with your life/options/husband and you're taking it out on your friends.

No it wasn't

Covid had a massive effect on some companies and employees- I handled the furlough scheme for around 100 payroll clients and became an unofficial therapist to many…. then we’re into a COL situation so many are still negatively impacted. One restaurant owner became so burnt out by constant rule changes with covid and the current increased costs he’s closing his business and retraining, which will cost money. He’s been quite open about this so I wonder if you/your DH could be a little more open with these friends.

In your opening post you put:

And I am faced with comments such as “I thought he took this job so he wouldn’t have to work Saturdays”, “He loves his work hahaha”, “He shouldn’t have to pay and do overtime after going on holiday”, “It’s bad for your family”…

You say these are DHs friends- has he seen or chatted to any of them on his own and told them himself what’s been happening since Covid? Perhaps they’re frustrated/disappointed not to see him and you’re then bearing the brunt of their comments.

You don't live on what may happen. Banks don't go by what you could be earning. You live with what you currently earn. I can get a bonus of 10% of my salary, it's not guaranteed so I don't even consider it. Why are you even talking about overtime that hasn't happened and promotions that are not guaranteed.

You can't lose something you never had!

@widowtwankywashroom I’m sorry are you me now? You appear to have answered for me…

We were all at home so utilities were up. Car payments, mortgage etc remained the same. We didn’t socialise or spend extravagantly anyway.

His contract was drawn up and he has worked solidly for 2yrs to expand business for the new role. We could not have imagined shutting down overnight.

The issues with doctors pushing me towards pregnancy have been ongoing from twenties. I am now old enough and strong enough to not be bullied about it. Regarding one of the last phone consults and what was said @neverbeenskiing said it was highly unusual and inappropriate. It was. And several friends in nhs said I should make a formal complaint. But I am so exhausted with nhs in general I didn’t want anymore hassle.

Why must people on here be doubting Thomas’s about everything?!