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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwanted touching at work, why is it so hard to object??

110 replies

BorrowedThyme · 03/09/2023 00:07

I do not want to be hugged and kissed and called affectionate nick names. I am a strong independent woman, why do I freeze every time and not think of anything to say until it is too late?

I need a response that makes it clear I don't want this behaviour, but still makes it possible to maintain an effective working relationship.

Please help me be better prepared, what do I say next time?

OP posts:
Forestdweller11 · 03/09/2023 00:11

Don't think you can. You just need to say what the hell do you think you are doing. Are you a female Spanish footballer?

junbean · 03/09/2023 00:56

You’re not the one with a problem, it’s the coworker. You’re not responsible for their behavior. You have to report it so it stops and that’s your responsibility to yourself.

Precipice · 03/09/2023 01:15

It's normal to freeze up. It's a fear and trauma response. Don't berate yourself about not speaking up straight away in the moment - it's surprise that someone thinks it's fine to treat you in this way in the first place.

For the nicknames, say "Don't call me that." It doesn't have to be more than that. For the unwanted touching, in the first instance keep a number of steps away.

If possible, I would urge you to report this to HR, to tell them that your co-worker is treating you in a manner that you find uncomfortable and inappropriate, which is making you tense and afraid in the workplace.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 03/09/2023 01:18

"Piss off you fucking creep!"

I know, much easier said than done.

GrumpyPanda · 03/09/2023 01:25

Call them honeybunny in retaliation? You do need a certain level of ridiculousness.

Re the hugging, this won't work for every hug, but there's a technique to counter the kissy-kissy/hug type greetings - shield with your arm firmly out in front of your body so they can't get too close, then go for a handshake. Practice with a friend.

MidnightOnceMore · 03/09/2023 01:25

I think you just need to put it in writing once and if it happens again report.

Maltaw · 03/09/2023 01:26

Why are you not saying anything? If someone persists after you have asked them not to do something then that's obviously a whole other issue but unless you've actually asked them to stop it seems premature to be mad at them.
They obviously shouldn't be touching or hugging people without knowing it's ok though.

Just tell them that you don't like it. Don't apologise or say anything else other than you don't like it and you want them to stop doing it.

'Hey Pete, can you stop touching/hugging me, I don't like it and I'd like you stop, thanks'. Then carry on with your day.

I don't like being hugged by people other than my immediate family. I'll say something like 'Sorry, I'm not a touchy touchy person' then give a nice friendly smile. I don't find people get offended. It can be a teeny bit awkward but so what. It's over in a minute and it's worth it too me. I'm generally a friendly person so I think people don't mind.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/09/2023 07:34

Who is doing this? Boss? Colleague? Male or female?

FrancescaContini · 03/09/2023 07:36

“Stop touching me or I will report you to HR” should do it.

ZekeZeke · 03/09/2023 07:37

Who is touching you?

Original poster
BorrowedThyme · 03/09/2023 07:57

Maltaw · 03/09/2023 01:26

Why are you not saying anything? If someone persists after you have asked them not to do something then that's obviously a whole other issue but unless you've actually asked them to stop it seems premature to be mad at them.
They obviously shouldn't be touching or hugging people without knowing it's ok though.

Just tell them that you don't like it. Don't apologise or say anything else other than you don't like it and you want them to stop doing it.

'Hey Pete, can you stop touching/hugging me, I don't like it and I'd like you stop, thanks'. Then carry on with your day.

I don't like being hugged by people other than my immediate family. I'll say something like 'Sorry, I'm not a touchy touchy person' then give a nice friendly smile. I don't find people get offended. It can be a teeny bit awkward but so what. It's over in a minute and it's worth it too me. I'm generally a friendly person so I think people don't mind.

That is what I have got to do , just say, don't do that I don't like it. I've got to be ready to say it straight away really. and just say it.

It is a male coworker for those asking, and the hand up in front thing wont work, as its always from behind, often while I am sitting at my desk.

OP posts:
TheEverdelightfulsamantha · 03/09/2023 08:01

From behind at your desk? That’s is really horrible! I would email HR and ask for their help

ZekeZeke · 03/09/2023 08:05

Is he coming up behind your desk and putting his hands on your shoulders?

GameOverBoys · 03/09/2023 08:09

He knows you don’t like it. It will have been very obvious after the first time. He chooses to make you uncomfortable for his own satisfaction so why are you worrying about offending him. Just say ‘please don’t touch me’.

ChaToilLeam · 03/09/2023 08:10

Ok, here’s what you do. Your colleague comes up from behind and puts his hands on you. You put your hands on those hands and remove them and say: George, I actually don’t like you doing that. Stop doing it.

Stupid nicknames: George, I don’t like that. Use my name, please.

Start diarising, you may need it if “George” won’t stop, or gets the hump. Do you have a trusted colleague who witnesses this behaviour?

Original poster
BorrowedThyme · 03/09/2023 08:11

ZekeZeke · 03/09/2023 08:05

Is he coming up behind your desk and putting his hands on your shoulders?

no, he is hugging and kissing me

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/09/2023 08:11

Wtf a coworker grabbing you from behind, where do you work.

MagpiePi · 03/09/2023 08:12

If he’s coming up from behind, how about doing a massive jump and giving a loud and surprised ‘What the fuck are you doing?!‘ then an angry ‘Just stop doing that, it really is creepy’

Original poster
BorrowedThyme · 03/09/2023 08:12

GameOverBoys · 03/09/2023 08:09

He knows you don’t like it. It will have been very obvious after the first time. He chooses to make you uncomfortable for his own satisfaction so why are you worrying about offending him. Just say ‘please don’t touch me’.

Yes, I have come to that conclusion too. My reaction is freeze, then leave the room, so he must have noticed.

OP posts:
Original poster
BorrowedThyme · 03/09/2023 08:13

ChaToilLeam · 03/09/2023 08:10

Ok, here’s what you do. Your colleague comes up from behind and puts his hands on you. You put your hands on those hands and remove them and say: George, I actually don’t like you doing that. Stop doing it.

Stupid nicknames: George, I don’t like that. Use my name, please.

Start diarising, you may need it if “George” won’t stop, or gets the hump. Do you have a trusted colleague who witnesses this behaviour?

You are so right! I've got to do this.

No, no witnesses, for the poster who asked, it only seems to happen when we are alone in the office.

I work in a school

OP posts:
olderbutwiser · 03/09/2023 08:14

He creeps up behind you and gives you a hug without warning? Jeez. I am an avoidant freezer too, I feel your pain.

if you were in a film you would probably be scripted to “accidentally” swing round and elbow him in the nuts but I know that’s unrealistic.

Practice your speech lots of times so you don’t have to think about saying it when the time comes. Be prepared to escalate.

WeCanAlwaysJustStayIn · 03/09/2023 08:15

WTAF?

OP this is not ok. Your reaction is totally normal do NOT let anyone convince you of otherwise.

Speak to you line manager in a formal way followed up by an email saying you want this to stop now.

sleepyscientist · 03/09/2023 08:16

Does he do it to other people? What sort of names are we talking? How old is he? It sounds like a really bad attempt at flirting!

I would try and get him alone and say how you feel, I wouldn't go to HR as a first instance so you can maintain a working relationship.

WeCanAlwaysJustStayIn · 03/09/2023 08:17

@sleepyscientist you suggesting that she gets a man alone to talk about him inappropriately touching her to maintain a working relationship? Why?

Howyiz · 03/09/2023 08:17

Don't wait for him to do it again.
Talk to him before and say you don't like to be touched, hugged or kissed by colleagues so he needs to stop doing it.

You also need to report this to H R.