Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwanted touching at work, why is it so hard to object??

110 replies

BorrowedThyme · 03/09/2023 00:07

I do not want to be hugged and kissed and called affectionate nick names. I am a strong independent woman, why do I freeze every time and not think of anything to say until it is too late?

I need a response that makes it clear I don't want this behaviour, but still makes it possible to maintain an effective working relationship.

Please help me be better prepared, what do I say next time?

OP posts:
FoxClocks · 03/09/2023 08:18

This is different than other unwanted touching, sounds more like sexual harassment. I would get your manager involved and if they don't stop make a complaint.

Original poster
BorrowedThyme · 03/09/2023 08:19

sleepyscientist · 03/09/2023 08:16

Does he do it to other people? What sort of names are we talking? How old is he? It sounds like a really bad attempt at flirting!

I would try and get him alone and say how you feel, I wouldn't go to HR as a first instance so you can maintain a working relationship.

He is in his late 30s and married, I am in late fifties and very happily single, I don't think it is flirting!

OP posts:
WeCanAlwaysJustStayIn · 03/09/2023 08:19

Why is it OPs responsibility to try to maintain a working relationship?

Seriously this is how women are conditioned, to not make a fuss, to solve these ‘little’ issues, to not take offence, etc etc.

Give me fucking strength.

We are not living in an episode of Mad Men.

Original poster
BorrowedThyme · 03/09/2023 08:20

FoxClocks · 03/09/2023 08:18

This is different than other unwanted touching, sounds more like sexual harassment. I would get your manager involved and if they don't stop make a complaint.

yes, I think it might be. I really need to tell him no clearly once, before escalating.

Sometimes I think he thinks it is genuinely flattering, or friendly, and sometimes I think it is calculated to be intimidating.

OP posts:
WeCanAlwaysJustStayIn · 03/09/2023 08:22

OP do you feel safe challenging him by yourself? What is your bodily reaction when you picture doing this? If it is fear listen to that reaction, it’s not you being ridiculous it’s you well tuned senses telling you to be careful.

Do not feel you need to challenge him by yourself.

Maltaw · 03/09/2023 08:24

That is what I have got to do , just say, don't do that I don't like it. I've got to be ready to say it straight away really. and just say it.

You don't need to be ready to say it. You can say it anytime. I'd tell him once and then if he doesn't stop then you can contact HR or his line manager or whatever.

If you are unable to tell him to stop you could email him and if you are unable to do that then contact HR or his line manager.

This is 100% on him but the first thing he will say if you go straight to HR is that you never indicated that you minded and never said anything.

When you speak to him don't apologise and make sure you are crystal clear. Tell him you really dislike it and that he has to stop. Make it clear you dont like any physical contact.

Flufferblub · 03/09/2023 08:25

Definitely report him. You have a right to go to work without this creep all over you getting his kicks.

WeCanAlwaysJustStayIn · 03/09/2023 08:26

Bangs head against wall….

In what world should a woman have to tell a man AT WORK that she does not want touching from behind by being kissed and hugged?

So is that how it is? Unless we say no it’s ok?

HE SHOULD kNOW ITS NOT APPROPRIATE!!!!

I say it again OP if you do not want this you are within your rights to talk to someone without tackling him first.

Montbresia · 03/09/2023 08:30

A male colleague hugged me once and kissed my cheek out of the blue. He had been overseas for a year on a project, there were other people in the room. I shouted at him so loudly I scared him and he never touched me again.

What you need to do is speak to him before he does it at some other time and do not make it jokey or lighthearted in anyway due to stress In anyway whatsoever. Do you have another colleague you can tell and then speak to him with them there as a witness.

Wordsmithery · 03/09/2023 08:31

Hugging and kissing a colleague is completely unacceptable. He knows this, which is why he does it when there are no witnesses.
Tell him to stop, immediately (with a chaperone, if you need to). And tell your head. As you work in a school, he'll be employed by the local authority who will have very clear guidelines about sexual harassment. Unfortunately, this sort of creepy behaviour can escalate if not stopped so the sooner your line management know what's happening, the better.

ZekeZeke · 03/09/2023 08:32

BorrowedThyme · 03/09/2023 08:11

no, he is hugging and kissing me

Show quote history

Jesus I would hit the roof.
I assumed (incorrectly) it was him leaning over you, in your space, putting his hands on your shoulders-which is inappropriate). But actually kissing and hugging.
I was shout what the hell are you doing
Report to your manager.
Report to HR.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 03/09/2023 08:32

I wouldn't wait for him to do it again, I'd give him one chance to change.
"Can I just have a quick word? I'm really uncomfortable with you touching me and I need you stop doing it. Also I'd prefer you to use my name please. I haven't said anything before because I didn't know how to say it, but I think it's best to just be straightforward". If he does it again, it's deliberate harassment instead of thoughtless inappropriate behaviour and you report him for it.

bluejumping · 03/09/2023 08:33

Get off me! No

That's what I would say

You're too polite. I think younger generations are more forthright and would think twice

JorisBonson · 03/09/2023 08:34

Report report report.

And tell him you'll break his arm if he touches you again.

Avatartar · 03/09/2023 08:35

Can you stand up so quickly and in so doing accidentally smack the back of your head in his face and give him a nose bleed and 2 black eyes in a didn’t realise you were there kind of way?
also report to HR - he’s hideous

WeCanAlwaysJustStayIn · 03/09/2023 08:35

bluejumping · 03/09/2023 08:33

Get off me! No

That's what I would say

You're too polite. I think younger generations are more forthright and would think twice

This is not OPs fault for being too polite.

This is a man’s fault for being inappropriate and intimidating.

fernsandlilies · 03/09/2023 08:41

‘More forthright’ is absolutely what is needed

No ‘please’
no ‘sorry’
just say it straight
“George, don’t touch me, I don’t like it.”

try to aim for the same tone you would use towards one of the school pupils - clear, and confident that they will do as you say.

i really do understand why it feels so hard, we are utterly conditioned to placate and soothe other people and to manage their feelings. Good luck

Original poster
BorrowedThyme · 03/09/2023 08:53

Thank you for the support and solidarity. I'm absolutely going to speak up.

OP posts:
Zodfa · 03/09/2023 08:56

I think I would go straight to HR. Let them deal with it. It's obviously out of line and you don't need to have a nice conversation with him about it.

Whilst swearing at him sounds like a great idea, in reality I would worry that you'd get in trouble for it and he'd walk off scot-free.

OhNoForever · 03/09/2023 08:58

Sorry this is happening to you. It is so beyond the pale, I actually don't think you need to tell him to stop if you find that difficult. It is obvious that you want him to stop. You can go straight to your manager.

MisschiefMaker · 03/09/2023 09:01

You can also say "Oh, I'm not really a hugger George" if you want a less accusatory approach. Then if he continues after you've explicitly told him this you know you don't have to feel awkward about being more blunt second time round.

Seeline · 03/09/2023 09:02

You work in a school?

Please tell me he is not a teacher? Does he deal with the students? I would be concerned about his approach with them!

As for your response - What the fuck do you think you are doing? Just stop.

PrrrplePineapple · 03/09/2023 09:07

I hate being hugged by people I don't know and would never allow kissing - I simply say 'Oh, no hugging for me! I have high personal space requirements.' then smile, and leave them to deal with it how they will. With the nicknames, I'd simply say 'I prefer xxx, I've never liked being called zzz'.

You don't need to be aggressive, you're simply stating a personal preference.

Septemberdaysarehere · 03/09/2023 09:07

Report it to your DH or line manager and let them deal with it - detail how many times it has happened and when and explain it is not a one off etc

I have a colleague I went to school with and he often gives me a hug but it’s totally different and he asks even after 30 years

PostOpOp · 03/09/2023 09:29

Avatartar · 03/09/2023 08:35

Can you stand up so quickly and in so doing accidentally smack the back of your head in his face and give him a nose bleed and 2 black eyes in a didn’t realise you were there kind of way?
also report to HR - he’s hideous

I love this!