Unwanted touching at work, why is it so hard to object??

[BorrowedThyme]

I do not want to be hugged and kissed and called affectionate nick names. I am a strong independent woman, why do I freeze every time and not think of anything to say until it is too late?

I need a response that makes it clear I don't want this behaviour, but still makes it possible to maintain an effective working relationship.

Please help me be better prepared, what do I say next time?

If he hugs you from behind let out a blood curdling scream and say oh you startled me and do it every time . As for the nickname just say nah not me that's not me .

You don't need to play games or try to think of a way to not offend him.

Just say 'Stop touching me. You are crossing a boundary. I will be speaking to the manager about your behaviour'.

And then speak with the manager! This will absolutely stop it in it's tracks and also alert senior staff to the fact that a man is comfortable touching others when they are alone together.

In a school! Come on OP, wake up.

Absolutely this ^^.

Don't allow any misunderstanding that, just because you don't know how to properly handle this situation, you don't mind or even welcome his behaviour. I'm sure there will be company protocols against his behaviour of you that he is infringing. 🌹

A swift elbow to the gut wouldn't go amiss. Can you speak to a line manager?

I worked in a school for donkey's years!
There was no coming up behind and hugging and kissing!

You must report him

I would tell a manager/colleague that you are uncomfortable with this behaviour and then have that person as a witness when you tell George that you do not want this behaviour to continue and you want to be addressed as Amanda, not Mandypoops.

Unless we know more context yabu

Gently break his hold and turn so that he gets pushed back a step. No, sorry Dave, I am NOT a hugger. In fact I hate being touched in general. Would much rather you didn't. Thanks.

This

That's fucking gross, he needs a sharp speaking too and a report to Hr. Does he do it to anyone else?

I also wonder if he does it to other women when they're alone. It's telling that he doesn't do it in front of people. He must know you feel uncomfortable. It sounds like a power thing. He needs to be challenged.

Make your co-workers aware of what he's doing, you may even find out he's doing it to others.

I think it's understandable you'd freeze - what a horribly awkward moment. If it happens again and you do freeze, as soon as you recover you could send him a simple email. Something simple like 'Hi X. I have been meaning to say this for a while but I am not comfortable being hugged or kissed by colleagues in the workplace. I am very happy to continue working alongside you but ask that you do not greet me in this way again'.

I know it sounds a bit like it's 'asking' when you shouldn't have to do that, but you're starting a paper trail where you've clearly stated this is unwanted.

If it happens again after that, it's straight to HR along with a copy of your email proof where you've clearly (and politely) told him to stop. He won't be able to say he didn't know or he was 'just being friendly'. You've clearly told him it's unwanted and that's enough.

not really possible when I am sitting down and he is behind and above me

also, very much do not want to make it about me and my preferences - there was something I nearly said last time along those lines, but I am glad I didn't

yes, I think you are right. If it happens again and I freeze at the moment, then an immediate email is the way to go

Leap up as though massively surprised and immediately tell him not to do that again. Totally unacceptable.

An you “rehearse” your response @BorrowedThyme ? Maybe with a trusted friend?

But also, talk to colleagues. Often these creepy men are doing it to any woman they think they can get away with.

'Sorry, I'm not a touchy touchy person' then give a nice friendly smile. I don't find people get offended. It can be a teeny bit awkward but so what. It's over in a minute and it's worth it too me.

Friendly smile? Not a "touchy touchy" person? Ffs, why should the OP have to tiptoe around the issue to appease a male worker who can't keep his hands to himself and infantilises the OP with hunny-bunny nicknames,

Fred, please stop invading my personal space.

Fred, my name is @BorrowedThyme please use it.

No frills, no softening the message to save the fragile male ego, just fact. Steady gaze and no need to smile, why the hell should you, he's giving you the creeps!

Jeez, I'd be taking this situation to HR

Sod that - I’d be telling him in no uncertain terms! Creep!

@BorrowedThyme I don't understand why you would wait for it to happen again? I'd suggest either going to speak to him first thing or sending an email like the one suggested earlier. Why give him the opportunity to do it again. You know you freeze when he does it so why go through it again?

Unfortunately there are some incredible thick men out there and he may have no idea that you dislike it.

If you send an email I would use more direct language than the previous poster suggested. I wouldn't say I feel 'uncomfortable'. I'd say that you really dislike it. I also think you need to spell out what he needs to do. Which is stop.
You have to treat him as though he is extremely stupid.

please dont apologise to him for not wanting the creep to touch you. This is such a learned response.
“Right Dave, I do not want you to grope me agin - just stop. Now how can I help you?’

OMG what a creep - get a mirror on your desk at least so you can see him coming from behind you and stand up to get away - you do not have to tolerate one more unwanted touch. His intentions are secondary. Fact: he touches and kisses you. Fact: you do not want this for any reason.

I'm really hot headed so it's hard for me to understand how you can't react - that must be so fucking horrible. I'm not sure I really understand why you are saying you will wait for it to happen again before you complain though - tell someone, please.

When you say 'it only seems to happen when we're alone', hasn't it occurred to you that he's waiting for his opportunity, ie when the two of you are alone, before doing this?

I've been sexually harassed at work, in my case the guy was must older than me. I spoke to my manager about it and in the end made it clear to him that I didn't want him hanging around me at 8am when nobody else was in the building. Creeps enjoy being creepy and they won't stop until they are told.