Unwanted touching at work, why is it so hard to object??

[BorrowedThyme]

I do not want to be hugged and kissed and called affectionate nick names. I am a strong independent woman, why do I freeze every time and not think of anything to say until it is too late?

I need a response that makes it clear I don't want this behaviour, but still makes it possible to maintain an effective working relationship.

Please help me be better prepared, what do I say next time?

🙄You haven't read my post properly. I was clear about how I'd approach the OPs situation.

If you had bothered to read my post properly would see that the "Sorry, I'm not a touchy touchy person' then give a nice friendly smile" is the approach I take in day to day life in social situations I obviously wasn't suggesting the OP use it.

Absolutely THIS.

As soon as you say "I am not comfortable blah blah" it becomes YOU who is the problem.

OP, this is dreadful.

Coming up behind you.

Say it to him.

Email him.

But please flag it to the Head.

There is now way in 2023 he doesn't know this is deeply inappropriate.

Absolutely sexual harassment and the creeping up on you to do it, is horrific.

I think it is fair to say you must not feel safe in his company.

Definitely flag it formally.

No, no, no. This is sexual harassment. His behaviour is unwanted and inappropriate even if you hadn't already made him aware. You need to report this to your manager (unless it's him and then his manager). This is also a potential safeguarding issue.

I’m very blunt, and it definitely works in these situations. First time I met one of the managers in my office, he put one hand on my chair, the other on the desk and leaned right over me. I said “are you trying to give me a lapdance? Move back”. He jumped back like a scalded cat. Turned out he was well known for being overly friendly with the women, but never tried anything with me. I’d also say “if you get any closer I’ll pepper spray you”. I’m scarier than he is every time.

I can understand why you freeze and didn’t say anything until now. But this can change! You work in a school and you know how safeguarding works - go and see your DSL whose job it is to deal with this kind of crap. You can do this!

Great suggestions.
“George, stop doing x, it’s inappropriate & I don’t like it”

email & copy in line manager:

“Dear George,
I was surprised this morning at 09:00 when you crept up from behind and tried to hug and kiss me. Please do not do this again. Your use of x nickname for me is inappropriate and I am also asking you to stop doing this. “

I had similar. Man at work putting hand on my shoulder when I was sitting down. First time I glared at his hand & he removed it but then kept doing it. I had to say in a loud voice -“ please take your hand off my shoulder, it’s not appropriate to touch work colleagues”. Was shaking after!

Sorry if my comment was blunt. I just didnt understand why you posted what you'd do in a social situation (smile and be friendly) when that's completely irrelevant for the work situation as the OP describes it (a creepy male colleague who invades her personal space and needs to be told loud and clear that his actions are unwanted and ick). Anything perceived as friendly will fall on deaf ears because a man who behaves like this in 2023 has clearly been living under a rock and is too thick skinned to take the hint so a 💣 is needed

Please talk to your headteacher about this tomorrow. It will be taken seriously.

In primary school we even teach the children to say 'Stop. I don't like it' in a big, confident voice.

We don't teach them to whisper 'Sorry, I'm not a huggy type of person, please would you mind stopping'.

You have a duty to report this type of behaviour in a school setting. You don't even have to say anything to him if you're not brave enough, just report to managers. I cannot stress enough how important this is.

You need to find your anger OP and also be the voice for those students who you now know to be in the company of a man who ignores socially acceptable boundaries.