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Original poster

To be upset over DH comment about contributing

112 replies

flowertot02 · 02/09/2023 20:21

We have a 4 month old and a dog who I'm solely responsible for, he doesn't walk him, take him to the vets, doesn't even give him his flea prevention once a month. It falls entirely on me, as well as 99% of childcare and 100% of the housework apart from cooking dinner.

He is hands on when he's at home with DD but he works 6 day weeks for sometimes 12 hours a day for his own company.

I get maternity allowance from the government as I was signed off sick with hypermesis throughout my pregnancy, I pay car insurance, fuel and my phone contract and DH pays for the house and food shopping.

I've saved a bit of money each month since DD was born to have my hair done today as we go on holiday in a couple of weeks, I've also saved enough to have a manicure and pedicure next week.

He asked me how much I'd spent today and I told him and he said if I want to have my nails done next week then I'll be taking it out of holiday spending money, I said I've saved it but then he said that I contribute nothing financially and now I feel like shit for treating myself.

Like I said, I pay for my car and phone and any bits our DD needs throughout the month that isn't covered in the food shop, I pay for our friends kids and families birthday presents and cards, I do all of the laundry, cleaning, taking care of the dog and look after our DD and now I feel like less of a person because I don't technically contribute to bills.

I asked him if he'd like me to go back to work and he said no so I don't really know what to do or say. I feel like suddenly I've realised I've lost all of my independence by not earning and feel really really shit.

OP posts:
saffronsoup · 02/09/2023 20:23

Go back to work.

ThomasHardyPerennial · 02/09/2023 20:25

Jesus, he is a dickhead for saying that to you!

EatYourVegetables · 02/09/2023 20:25

This is not a reasonable division of work or assets.

If you are married and have a child, and especially when you are on maternity leave, all money should be family money. You can look after the baby while he’s at work but otherwise the household tasks and the childcare should be 50-50. Once you send the baby to the nursery, the cost should be shared.

Otherwise this is not a partnership, this is slavery. If he won’t agree to treat you like an equal, you are better off leaving him, going back to work, and getting some childcare.

Ohhbaby · 02/09/2023 20:27

saffronsoup · 02/09/2023 20:23

Go back to work.

Her baby is 4 months old? Why would you say that? She still needs her mom

Tinkerbyebye · 02/09/2023 20:27

So I would simply tell him that as I don’t contribute I will now be expecting him to pick up the cost of your phone, the car insurance and fuel, after all that’s needed for shopping and taking baby out, as well as bits for the baby and presents for family and friends, which by the way he will now need to organise

i would also be looking to go back to work full time so would work out the proportional split for contribution to running the house and childcare and he can pick up the rest of it

i would also be telling him that when I go back to work this household tasks will be split 50/50, as will childcare and give him the list of split tasks

Ridemeginger · 02/09/2023 20:31

Tell him he needs to apply for shared parental leave so you can go back to work. He will need to make exactly the same contributions as you have been doing whilst he is on leave. Write it all down, all the jobs, all the hours you put in, all the financial contribution you have made. All of it. See what he says about you having haircut after you present him with that.

Viewfrommyhouse · 02/09/2023 20:34

Tell him you're going back to work in the New Year, so he has a few months to work out how he's going to manage his share of the childcare for when you're both out of the house.

Please, don't put up with this shit. If he can't see the value in your contribution to the family just because it isn't financially equal, I'd be having serious thoughts about actually staying with him. Up until the end of last year, I was a sahm for 7 years. Not once did my dh make me feel like shit for not earning - he appreciates that I do everything BUT earn money for our family and realises that without my contribution, he wouldn't be able to make his.

Lilacsparkles · 02/09/2023 20:36

im going to slightly/gently go against the grain here. It can be a lot of pressure on one person if they are paying all the household bills. Perhaps he is finding work tough or struggling to manage it all on his income and has nothing left for any kinds of luxuries. Then if he sees you getting your hair and nails done, it might feel a bit unfair. However, you have a four month old baby and personally I believe you deserve to spend a bit of the money you’ve saved on feeling nice for your holiday. I guess it needs a proper conversation about family income and expenses and asking your husband what he thinks is a fair division. But you should certainly not be expected to live on a pittance because you are taking care of your and HIS baby!!

continentallentil · 02/09/2023 20:38

I would go absolutely nuclear about this.

You are looking after his child. You are contributing as much as him.

Why don’t you have equal access to money. What you need is a shared bank account that all money goes into. insist on this right now.

saffronsoup · 02/09/2023 20:39

It is a change in dynamics. Just like you dont feel he contributes anything at home even though you also say he is hands on when not at work. He feels the same way as you but in reverse. Each of you feel exhausted by your own responsiblities and so don't appreciate at all what the other does. He likely feels he is working hard to provide for the family and to ensure you have a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear and vacations to go on. Is he treating himself each week to whatever he enjoys? This is a communication issie before resentment grows. The first year is a big adjustment.

I didn't mean you need to return to work immediately but I would return as soon as mat leave is done. It allows you to be more financially independent and to contribute to your own expenses and to your daughter's upbringing and it in turn involves him more in his child's life as hopefully it frees him up to not have to spend 12 hours a day 6 days a week at work in order to pay the bills.

continentallentil · 02/09/2023 20:40

Lilacsparkles · 02/09/2023 20:36

im going to slightly/gently go against the grain here. It can be a lot of pressure on one person if they are paying all the household bills. Perhaps he is finding work tough or struggling to manage it all on his income and has nothing left for any kinds of luxuries. Then if he sees you getting your hair and nails done, it might feel a bit unfair. However, you have a four month old baby and personally I believe you deserve to spend a bit of the money you’ve saved on feeling nice for your holiday. I guess it needs a proper conversation about family income and expenses and asking your husband what he thinks is a fair division. But you should certainly not be expected to live on a pittance because you are taking care of your and HIS baby!!

I would save your sympathy for him, because the OP appears not to have reasonable access to the family money. This is not on.

Patchworksack · 02/09/2023 20:41

He’s a knob, but did you not discuss this before having a child together? You are equally responsible for keeping the family afloat financially, running the household from a practical point of view and caring for your joint child. How you spilt those responsibilities is up for discussion but you are both jointly responsible for all three aspects. When you have a child someone (nearly always the mother) takes a huge financial hit with maternity leave, likely returning reduced hours, loss of pension contributions, slow career progression and the effects will last years. Your contribution in other ways (birthing his child FFS) needs to be recognised. Either you go back full time and you outsource (and jointly pay for) a huge amount of childcare, a cleaner and a meal service or he recognises the huge amount of unpaid labour you are contributing. The only fair way to manage this is that all money (his wages plus your mat allowance now, your wages if you return to work) go into a family pot and if there is extra after essential bills you get equal ‘spends’ for haircuts, nails or whatever you want with no argument from the other person.
Pull him up on this sharpish before you find yourself stuck in a financially abusive relationship.

Hummingbird89 · 02/09/2023 20:42

He is an absolute wanker. He doesn’t respect what you do for him and his child.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/09/2023 20:42

continentallentil · 02/09/2023 20:38

I would go absolutely nuclear about this.

You are looking after his child. You are contributing as much as him.

Why don’t you have equal access to money. What you need is a shared bank account that all money goes into. insist on this right now.

This!

Ontobetterthings · 02/09/2023 20:46

Is money tight op? I'm wondering if he's feeling pressurised financially and sees that as frivolous spending. Does he spend on himself?

ThomasHardyPerennial · 02/09/2023 20:48

If money if tight, he can fucking be honest with op and have a constructive conversation, instead of making her feel insignificant. He is an arsehole.

Clefable · 02/09/2023 20:52

What are you actually spending on? MA is £680-odd a month or something but you're just paying for car insurance and your phone and petrol? Or is rest of the money going into house stuff too? Do you both have access to fun money?

The setup all seems a bit weird and unworkable tbh.

Clefable · 02/09/2023 20:54

He was BU to talk to you like that, but perhaps there needs to be a wider discussion about finances as it's an odd setup. I got MA with both DC and it all went into joint pot along with my husband's salary and we took our own spends out of that after all the bills were paid. Clothes for the DC etc. are all joint expenses.

JanesBlond · 02/09/2023 20:56

He’s a dick. You’re contributing financially by providing free childcare and housework. If you are married why isn’t your money shared?

bakewellbride · 02/09/2023 21:03

He's an arse! I've been a sahm for over 5 years and dh insists I have stuff like this to treat myself!

User452023 · 02/09/2023 21:27

He asked me how much I'd spent today and I told him and he said if I want to have my nails done next week then I'll be taking it out of holiday spending money, I said I've saved it but then he said that I contribute nothing financially and now I feel like shit for treating myself.

How rude of him. Your at home with his 4 month old. Is money an issue for him. You have had to forfeit working to look after the family, and by the sounds of it your doing a pretty good job too.

I hope he doesn't expect you to never spend money on yourself until you are able to go back to work. That would be very unreasonable.

Nicole1111 · 02/09/2023 21:45

Find a local nursery, price up how much childcare would cost you, print it off, tell him you’ve been thinking about what he said about you not contributing financially then present it with a flourish to show him how much money you’re saving him. Find a local cleaner, price up how much it would cost for the hours of cleaning you do, print it off, tell him you’ve been thinking about what he said about you not contributing financially then present it with a flourish to show him how much money you’re saving him. Keep going until he apologises

Iloveacurry · 02/09/2023 21:49

Go back to work!

AlwaysGinPlease · 02/09/2023 21:53

Didn't you have the financial conversation before deciding to have children? He sounds incredibly financially controlling and needs to be made aware that you have a job - looking after HIS baby ffs.

Reality25 · 02/09/2023 21:53

He's absolutely wrong to say that, you do contribute quite a bit, but clearly not nearly as much as him, hence the frustration.

If you want to contribute more evenly then see if you can help with some of the business admin.