To be upset over DH comment about contributing

[flowertot02]

We have a 4 month old and a dog who I'm solely responsible for, he doesn't walk him, take him to the vets, doesn't even give him his flea prevention once a month. It falls entirely on me, as well as 99% of childcare and 100% of the housework apart from cooking dinner.

He is hands on when he's at home with DD but he works 6 day weeks for sometimes 12 hours a day for his own company.

I get maternity allowance from the government as I was signed off sick with hypermesis throughout my pregnancy, I pay car insurance, fuel and my phone contract and DH pays for the house and food shopping.

I've saved a bit of money each month since DD was born to have my hair done today as we go on holiday in a couple of weeks, I've also saved enough to have a manicure and pedicure next week.

He asked me how much I'd spent today and I told him and he said if I want to have my nails done next week then I'll be taking it out of holiday spending money, I said I've saved it but then he said that I contribute nothing financially and now I feel like shit for treating myself.

Like I said, I pay for my car and phone and any bits our DD needs throughout the month that isn't covered in the food shop, I pay for our friends kids and families birthday presents and cards, I do all of the laundry, cleaning, taking care of the dog and look after our DD and now I feel like less of a person because I don't technically contribute to bills.

I asked him if he'd like me to go back to work and he said no so I don't really know what to do or say. I feel like suddenly I've realised I've lost all of my independence by not earning and feel really really shit.

What a fucker. Money isn't so tight that you can't afford a holiday so YANBU. Is he super tight with money in general? Does he treat himself occasionally?

This is what happens when money is tight. Any ‘treats’ are seen as selfish.

I agree with this. Yes your dh is BU in picking on your treats particularly but it sounds like it's coming from a place of money-worries.

He has his own business - is everything going OK with it?

I agree with the comment about my dh no longer having his testicles intact if he said this to me, but it's ok for me to say because (luckily) my dh has a high-ish income so if he said it, it would be pure stinginess.

In op's dh case, it might genuinely be a cash flow panic.

I agree 4m is quite early to go back to work, but if I were op I'd look at going back earlier than she originally planned, eg 8m instead of 12m.

I always wonder about these ideas of presenting them with bills for this and that. I mean he knows you can't get cleaning and childcare for free on the open market. I think she needs to have a talk to him about she is staying home to care for their child and does he think that means that she never gets a haircut, shampoo, makeup, new clothes, and tampons are rationed out? Just how does he see that working?

It's really easy to start feeling resentful of your partner if they are at home all days when you're the one earning the money. I am ashamed to say I used to feel this way a bit when my husband retired early when I am still slogging it out in a fairly difficult job. I had flashes of feeling I should be able to exert my authority as the wage earner. Luckily I kept my mouth firmly shut because I realised I was being unfair. He has really stepped up in terms of doing extra cooking and housework.

To be fair, if you stay home I think you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position. Your skills and experience may become outdated and you won't have worked your way up in terms of promotions. .

I am ashamed to say I used to feel this way a bit when my husband retired early when I am still slogging it out in a fairly difficult job.

I reckon you'd have been more justified in feeling that though, because your dh wouldn't have been recovering from childbirth or looking after a newborn.

Yup! This is a good idea to make him see.
A hair cut for goodness sake it's just general maintenance not like an actual treat for yourself (heaven forbid you saved for that)

He really needs it all written out for him and then he needs to apologize

His attitude sucks. I'd start back to work as soon as you're able to.

I can understand why he thinks nails aren't important if he's been struggling to support you all on one wage but he doesnt have to be a dick about it

I haven't read every comment but I will later when I'm not feeding baby.

To answer a few questions, we are not rich but we are not poor, he bought himself a £500 bike a couple of months ago (second hand but still a lot of money), we are going on holiday abroad in a couple of weeks and we have 2 holidays booked for next year. So me having a treat (the only thing that I spend on for myself) is having my hair done every 3-4 months (£80), I have my eyebrows waxed once a month (£5) and my nails done for holiday/special occasion (£56 for toes and hands).

I don't want to go back to work yet, I want to spend my maternity leave with my baby.

Yes, before I had the baby including when I worked full time and when I was sick throughout pregnancy, the dog (that we both wanted 7 years ago and who I adore) and the housework was all my responsibility.

Also my car insurance is £90 a month and fuel is £80 per month.

And I’m sure you corrected him because of course providing financially for the children is also important work. You naturally wouldn’t want your children growing up thinking that providing for the family you create isn’t important.

Seriously consider going back to work. His comment is a red flag.

I don't know why people drag out this suggestion time after time. If OP asks her DH to pay her half the cost of a nanny, he might well suggest that, in that case, she needs to pay half the household bills.

I am on mat leave and all our money is in one pot and that’s the only way I will accept. How an earth can you be expected to take a significant drop in income whilst you raise BOTH of your child and not be compensated by the man who created that child with you?

I am astounded by the attitude of some men. Do they really expect you to take a career hit, financial hit, social, physical and freedom hit whilst they carry on as normal as if this is just your problem?

It may sound extreme but this is grounds for separation in my eyes. Resentment is building on his part because of his very short sighted view on your role in the family.

It is absolutely appalling. For all those wondering if there are financial issues making him stressed, he needs to communicate that with the OP so they can work it out together rather than being a bully. What a sad man child.

Don’t go back to work at 4 months post partum either. He knows how long maternity leave is and you deserve that time with your baby, and most importantly your baby needs you. He is financially abusive.

Wow yeah I retract my previous comment. I can't remember the last time I went on two abroad-holidays in one year, that's incredibly luxurious in my view. That probably rules out my hypothesis that he's got genuine money-worries.

He's stingy

I simply do not understand this at all.
Surely it's all family money.
I never ever had my own money and husband his.. he worked l was at home with the kids. Doing the house work/ cooking/ cleaning etc.
He went to work.. his wage went into one joint bank account.. we went to do the food shop together.Bills came out and if l wanted new clothes or my hair done l just did it no questions asked.. l was after all " working" 24/7.. being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world.
Surely you're entitled to treat yourself.

@redskytonights the other half of the bills is what she uses the half a nanny salary he pays her. That's the whole point. It's to demonstrate her financial contribution for someone too dense to work it out themselves.

So as the parents they both pay her half a nanny salary. She uses the half he pays her to contribute towards her half of the bills.

He doesn't value your contribution to the family, yet another man not acknowledging the worth of what his wife does in the home and for his child and deliberately ignoring that he can only work those hours because you are at home.

Well unless you've spent £500 on yourself in the last couple of months, what he's saying is you are entitled to less spending money than him, and that he decides what you van spend it on (did he ask if he could buy the bike?)

Even though you are providing childcare that would cost thousands if paid for. Why does he think that's fair? Does he think it's easy? Why doesn't he do some then?

You need to be careful not to end up in a situation where all child costs are seen as yours.

Your HOUSEHOLD now has higher expenses and lower income. Not you individually.

He's a dick.

So..... he really is just a run of the mill dick. Who's happy to have luxuries for himself but not you, who gave birth to his child and is doing 100% of the heavy lifting at home, even before you had the child and were working yourself.

What a prince.

You're looking after his child allowing him to work, what he earns is half yours

I work in a male dominated industry and a lot of guys complain about their wives not working
My BFF is a SAHM and I once overheard him saying to a group at a function that she had said she would go back to work when youngest was 3 , but 10 years later she was still ‘ lazing about all day’
Put me off hin a lot
In your circumstances I would go back to work

OK so he doesn't value your contribution at all. Everything domestic is your responsibility, he resents you having any money for yourself because "you didn't earn it" but he also doesn't want you to earn any. No decent person needs the unfairness of that explaining to them.

He's not going to change, this is your life now unless you choose otherwise. I wouldn't have any more children with him unless a life of individual poverty appeals to you.

Is he a dick or just a bit thick?

If it’s the latter and you think he’s not completely irredeemable, it might help to sit him down and spell out
a) finances
b) household labour
c) child responsibilities.

When you discuss finances, you need to consider the impact of maternity leave on your promotional prospects and the knock on effects on your long term pension, while he has benefitted from an unbroken work record, and free childcare thanks to your free labour.

While you’re thinking about all this, you might consider what the point of him actually is.

At a minimum he should be doing half of everything outside of work hours, and not just the fun bits with dd. Half of the night feedings, or if you are bf-ing giving you opportunities to nap and making sure the groceries are in, laundry put away, house tidy and leaving you a packed lunch to make your day a bit easier.

How much is he paying you for providing childcare for his child so he can work?