To be upset over DH comment about contributing

[flowertot02]

We have a 4 month old and a dog who I'm solely responsible for, he doesn't walk him, take him to the vets, doesn't even give him his flea prevention once a month. It falls entirely on me, as well as 99% of childcare and 100% of the housework apart from cooking dinner.

He is hands on when he's at home with DD but he works 6 day weeks for sometimes 12 hours a day for his own company.

I get maternity allowance from the government as I was signed off sick with hypermesis throughout my pregnancy, I pay car insurance, fuel and my phone contract and DH pays for the house and food shopping.

I've saved a bit of money each month since DD was born to have my hair done today as we go on holiday in a couple of weeks, I've also saved enough to have a manicure and pedicure next week.

He asked me how much I'd spent today and I told him and he said if I want to have my nails done next week then I'll be taking it out of holiday spending money, I said I've saved it but then he said that I contribute nothing financially and now I feel like shit for treating myself.

Like I said, I pay for my car and phone and any bits our DD needs throughout the month that isn't covered in the food shop, I pay for our friends kids and families birthday presents and cards, I do all of the laundry, cleaning, taking care of the dog and look after our DD and now I feel like less of a person because I don't technically contribute to bills.

I asked him if he'd like me to go back to work and he said no so I don't really know what to do or say. I feel like suddenly I've realised I've lost all of my independence by not earning and feel really really shit.

Find out what round-the-clock nanny costs and bill him his share for the last 4 months.

When I was home with our 3, DH had a busy important job and earned well. It was all family money and he always said I was the person doing the important work.

You are contributing, if not financially, then certainly with your time and energy. I would be printing out a childcare/pet care/cleaning/cooking/admin bill and shoving it up his hole.

And who is going to care for their 4 month old baby while they are both working? Or is OP meant to work while looking after the baby and still do everything round the house?
Yeah, that sounds fair. FFS.

i was in your position when mine were babies 20 years ago. Difference was the cost of living wasn’t anything like it is now. And DH often worked away, his hours were completely irregular so I didn’t have much choice but to not work for 3 or 4 years as there was no help with childcare until aged 3 and even then it wasn’t full time hours. He never once said anything like what your husband said. He put me on his own bank account as soon as I went on maternity leave and told me to spend as I saw fit. He was a hands on dad the minute he walked in the door. No complaints. We made a good team but god we were skint on just one wage and had nothing for luxuries like holidays till I got a weekend job when my youngest was 1.

on the one hand your OH is being a dick but on the other I would hate to be in his position too ik this day and age. Losing the sole major wage earner could basically mean losing your home.

I would tell him you’ve been thinking about the earnings thing and realised that your pension is massively impacted and you’re really worried. So that you intend to go back to work (howver many hours suits) when youngest is however old (1? 2?) but that this would mean a slight jiggling about of domestic duties so that you both have the same amount of leisure/relaxation time. And which jobs that you do now does he want to start doing (give him a few suggestions)

you don’t want to get to the stage where you are both taking each other’s role for granted. His role as sole breadwinner must be pressurised but you are also taking on a load of extra domestic stuff AND putting yourself at a long term financial disadvantage, FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR JOINT CHILD.

You both are offering something of value. no doubt about it. just be careful that neither of you are put at a disadvantage.

Unless you're struggling for money and can't afford luxuries like manicures, then he's a twat.

If I had birthed a human and was accused of not contributing financially the man would no longer have balls

I bet he's not growing his own hair out.

Whereas he is working 12 hour days 6 days a week to sustain them.

Being disingenuous and exaggerating her workload might feel good short term but it's certainly not a path forward for the couple. If she goes down that route resentment will continue to build until it explodes.

OP - your husband is overloaded. You are also working hard so it's tough. If you have funds you should hire some help, either directly for his business, or house help to free you up to do some business admin.

If you can't afford that (sounds like you can't) then you just need to step up and help with an hour or so of business admin, it's certainly manageable.

Go back to work. Tell him he can pay for his percentage of childcare.

He's a dick.

What a dickhead for saying that. He knows the arrangement, what's he trying to do by pointing out the obvious? Kill your self-worth? My wife is a SAHM and I would never dream of saying, you don't contribute financially. No shit Sherlock, she doesn't have a paid job! However, she contributes immeasurably in a host of other ways and together we make a great team.

@Ohhbaby read the end of the OP

Bill him for half the child care and cleaning service you provide.

You are contributing a lot. The financial aspect that he contributes is more visible but you need to evaluate your own contribution and let him no in no uncertain terms what this is.

It does depend a bit on how tight things are for you as a couple. You're making a massive unpaid contribution, but if things are really tight then getting your nails done is a bit of a luxury as you could do it yourself. On the other hand if you're more comfortable and he has enough money to treat himself in a similar way he's being completely unreasonable.

I think this is a pertinent question.

Does he have any money to treat himself? If he doesn't then he may well feel resentful that all the money he earns goes towards funding the family but you are able to put a little bit aside for some small treats even though you are not currently earning a wage.

I'd guess money isn't that tight or you wouldn't be able to afford a holiday and either he chooses not to spend on himself or he spends freely but resents you spending anything on yourself.

I would be very annoyed with him because he has said he doesn't want you to go back to work but doesn't think you should have any money to spend on yourself. What does he want you to do? Spend no money at all on yourself until you are in paid employment or is he just making sure you feel guilty about doing so? Tell him to make his mind up because you are not going to feel bad about having a a haircut.

I understand that being the sole breadwinner is pressurised but caring for a child and running a household is not an easy job either. He clearly isn't valuing your contribution, is it possible he doesn't feel you value his?

Rather than he pays for x and you pay for y, couldn't you have a system when you jointly pay for everything, plus a bit into savings, and also both get the same amount to treat yourself?

I also bet he's not having manicures and pedicures (which is the bit he objected to) so that's not a great argument.

You are doing the work of 3 full time domestic staff (daytime nanny, night nanny and house keeper) the pay for these three would be significant. Tell him that. You are a partnership.

@Ohhbaby - people do go back to work when babies are that age, that's when I went back Fulltime. DC went to a nursery. I'm not suggesting the OP should, but your comment is not at all helpful.

Did you do all the housework before the baby too? In addition to working full time?

Charge him for the free childcare I think £100 a day is reasonable

If you translate DH's comment to "contributing financially" rather than just contributing, he's just being accurate.

There's not enough information here to work out whether DH is worried about money or being an arse. You (OP and DH) need to have a proper conversation about the budget.

The vast majority of familes find covering maternity leave, unless they've saved in advance or have enhanced maternity leave, to be a struggle financially.
We were in a good financial position, but we wouldn't have been able to find money for a haircut, a holiday, and a manicure and pedicure all at the same time.
(To ask the question usually asked the other way) - Does DH have money for his own personal spending?

Some people don’t have a choice and are back at work straight away.

Your husband is an arsehole, possibly financially abusive.

I’d go back to work on a part time basis. Things will only get worse as he sees everything as HIS.

Please don’t feel like shit. He was being a dick when he said that but we are all dicks at times. You are well and truly pulling your weight and your baby years are fleeting.
There’s time to be back at work later.

I’m guessing finances aren’t dire as he admitted he doesn’t want you back at work yet.

Well he wouldn't get very far saying that to me!
Write down EVERYTHING that you do and spell it out that you do it all without getting paid. He can work full time because YOU are at home picking up the slack! Tell him!

This is what happens when money is tight. Any ‘treats’ are seen as selfish.

I would be trying my hardest to get back to earning in some way. Maybe evening or weekend jobs? He’ll still moan as he’ll have to do some childcare but at least you’ll start to get your confidence back.