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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset over DH comment about contributing

112 replies

flowertot02 · 02/09/2023 20:21

We have a 4 month old and a dog who I'm solely responsible for, he doesn't walk him, take him to the vets, doesn't even give him his flea prevention once a month. It falls entirely on me, as well as 99% of childcare and 100% of the housework apart from cooking dinner.

He is hands on when he's at home with DD but he works 6 day weeks for sometimes 12 hours a day for his own company.

I get maternity allowance from the government as I was signed off sick with hypermesis throughout my pregnancy, I pay car insurance, fuel and my phone contract and DH pays for the house and food shopping.

I've saved a bit of money each month since DD was born to have my hair done today as we go on holiday in a couple of weeks, I've also saved enough to have a manicure and pedicure next week.

He asked me how much I'd spent today and I told him and he said if I want to have my nails done next week then I'll be taking it out of holiday spending money, I said I've saved it but then he said that I contribute nothing financially and now I feel like shit for treating myself.

Like I said, I pay for my car and phone and any bits our DD needs throughout the month that isn't covered in the food shop, I pay for our friends kids and families birthday presents and cards, I do all of the laundry, cleaning, taking care of the dog and look after our DD and now I feel like less of a person because I don't technically contribute to bills.

I asked him if he'd like me to go back to work and he said no so I don't really know what to do or say. I feel like suddenly I've realised I've lost all of my independence by not earning and feel really really shit.

OP posts:
Hont1986 · 03/09/2023 14:19

Thementalloadisreal · 03/09/2023 14:14

Look into the costs of a full time nanny, a regular cleaner and a dog walker. Add it all up and invoice him.
Your time is not free or of less value because you don’t get paid to do it. You look after your child so that he can work.
The world turns on the unpaid labour of women.

These suggestions are so short-sighted. What is her response when he then turns round and presents her with the costs of a part-time chef, shared house tenancy, annuity equal to the value of her half of the bills, etc?

pinkyredrose · 03/09/2023 14:21

Hont1986 · 03/09/2023 14:10

Well, that and the 70 hour work weeks and paying all their shared bills.

Show quote history

It's his own company, he could work less if he has a manager. Lot's of men work long hours to absolve themselves of household duties.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/09/2023 14:26

These suggestions are so short-sighted. What is her response when he then turns round and presents her with the costs of a part-time chef, shared house tenancy, annuity equal to the value of her half of the bills, etc?

Yes. This part of the equation is often overlooked.

Thementalloadisreal · 03/09/2023 14:26

Hont1986 · 03/09/2023 14:19

These suggestions are so short-sighted. What is her response when he then turns round and presents her with the costs of a part-time chef, shared house tenancy, annuity equal to the value of her half of the bills, etc?

Show quote history

He’d have to pay for somewhere to live and bills even if he was single. It doesn’t cost more to have more people living in his house. But he would require a lot of very expensive childcare given his working hours, OP is saving him more than she costs.

randomusernam · 03/09/2023 14:28

So because you don't earn a physical wage you don't deserve a once in a moon treat? What rubbish. I'd be telling him the cost of everything you do in the home and then charging him half. These men live in a different planet!! What a knob

Gettingbysomehow · 03/09/2023 14:32

For fuck's sake you just had his child!!! You should have a year off with your baby for the baby's sake. I had to go back to work when DS was 6 weeks old as I was a single parent in the 80's and it was bloody awful for both of us.
So he doesn't want you to go back to work yet he expects you to contribute more - what does that mean? Standing outside your house and touting for "Johns". Does he have any suggestions about how you can contribute more by not working? Because I can't see it.
I'd have a long hard talk with him later about his ridiculous request and say it either means going back to work OR staying at home with the baby.
For my own future proofing I'd be thinking about finding a full time job when your child is old enough. I don't trust men.

neilyoungismyhero · 03/09/2023 14:36

saffronsoup · 02/09/2023 20:39

It is a change in dynamics. Just like you dont feel he contributes anything at home even though you also say he is hands on when not at work. He feels the same way as you but in reverse. Each of you feel exhausted by your own responsiblities and so don't appreciate at all what the other does. He likely feels he is working hard to provide for the family and to ensure you have a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear and vacations to go on. Is he treating himself each week to whatever he enjoys? This is a communication issie before resentment grows. The first year is a big adjustment.

I didn't mean you need to return to work immediately but I would return as soon as mat leave is done. It allows you to be more financially independent and to contribute to your own expenses and to your daughter's upbringing and it in turn involves him more in his child's life as hopefully it frees him up to not have to spend 12 hours a day 6 days a week at work in order to pay the bills.

He managed to treat himself to a 500 quid bike the other week.

pinkyredrose · 03/09/2023 14:42

Hont1986 · 03/09/2023 14:19

These suggestions are so short-sighted. What is her response when he then turns round and presents her with the costs of a part-time chef, shared house tenancy, annuity equal to the value of her half of the bills, etc?

Show quote history

Are you a man? You seem unable to see Op's point of view.

Original poster
flowertot02 · 03/09/2023 15:34

I've read some more of the comments.

Sorry I'm out with DD today.

To answer some more questions, my hair cut and colour was £80.

We both wanted a dog, we went to view him and DH put a deposit down on him. We always used to take turns or go together to walk him. All of that has stopped since I got pregnant. Even when I was crawling from our bedroom to the bathroom being sick heavily pregnant, I'd still have to find the energy to take him out for an hour, I'd walk and drive around with dog poo bags open and ready next to me so I could be sick into them.

We used to be a "team" when I earned money and when I was signed off sick, DH never mentioned money because I think he felt sorry for me (I lost over 3 stone and couldn't keep toast down for more than 20 minutes).

I've always done the cleaning and laundry, I've made a rod for my own back with that. I'd work full time and spend all of Saturday cleaning and doing laundry.

He also plays football and is out 3 hours doing that 2 times a week.

OP posts:
ThePoetsWife · 03/09/2023 19:55

flowertot02 · 03/09/2023 15:34

I've read some more of the comments.

Sorry I'm out with DD today.

To answer some more questions, my hair cut and colour was £80.

We both wanted a dog, we went to view him and DH put a deposit down on him. We always used to take turns or go together to walk him. All of that has stopped since I got pregnant. Even when I was crawling from our bedroom to the bathroom being sick heavily pregnant, I'd still have to find the energy to take him out for an hour, I'd walk and drive around with dog poo bags open and ready next to me so I could be sick into them.

We used to be a "team" when I earned money and when I was signed off sick, DH never mentioned money because I think he felt sorry for me (I lost over 3 stone and couldn't keep toast down for more than 20 minutes).

I've always done the cleaning and laundry, I've made a rod for my own back with that. I'd work full time and spend all of Saturday cleaning and doing laundry.

He also plays football and is out 3 hours doing that 2 times a week.

Oh OP he sounds even worse now.

He's a selfish arrogant wanker who has no respect or love for you.

pinkyredrose · 03/09/2023 22:02

He sounds awful. Really fucking awful. You should both have the same free time and money.

Have you asked him why he was so unsupportive during pregnancy refusing to walk the dog? Surely he could see how much you were struggling.

ThomasHardyPerennial · 04/09/2023 13:42

His lack of care for your wellbeing/health must be really hurtful, and I'm sorry he is neglecting you like that. It sounds like things really changed a lot (more than usual with a newborn!) once your baby arrived - does he spend much time with them?

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