To pay for private school?

[dancingqueen19]

Just had an argument with a friend and feeling very uneasy.

DS has just started primary school, seems to be settling in well. Met up with a group of university friends earlier who I haven’t seen in a while, and one friend in particular who I’ve always got on well with had made lots of snide comments about private schools, tories etc which I tried to let slide, but after multiple jabs I asked if she had a problem.

In return I got a speech about not being leftist, shouldn’t buy education, I think my kids are better than her kids (certainly not the case). I explained that my boy was late in all his milestones, and I waited until he was 5 to send him to school, not 4 like her boy, as I felt he wasn’t ready.

We are very fortunate and can afford the school, and seeing as the other schools in the area were at capacity, my partner and I felt the smaller class sizes would be better for him, and if there are any issues then hopefully will be picked up quicker. If the local school had classes then he’d have gone there. There is also a local catholic school but I didn’t want him going there - nothing personal just we are not religious at all. I did say to her these reasons, however I did say that I don’t need to justify it, it’s my money and I can send him wherever I want.

Friend went on a big rant as I said calling me a Tory, that I’ve changed (always been left leaning) and he’s not going to be street smart at all (it’s not the poshest of private schools and we live in the city). And that he will be bullied by the local kids.

She knows I attended private school for my last two years (on a scholarship, I grew up VERY working class). My partner grew up quite well off but we both have good jobs and work hard. Neither of us drink much and we’ve only been abroad a few times - we are not frivolous with money at all and private school is something we spent a lot of time discussing.

I’ve never once mentioned that he was going to private school before this meet up, it was only mentioned when someone else commented on the uniform being smart that it came up - I live in a different city to the other friends so they wouldn’t automatically know. And I’m the last of our kids to start school, so they were asking how he was getting on - I wouldn’t have brought it up otherwise as I’m aware how touchy a subject private school is.

I did say to friend that private schools are such a mixed bag, it’s not all snooty folk and some of the mums I’ve chatted to at the school gate all seem perfectly fine - I know two of them from the same nursery DS was at which is nice. I made it clear I didn’t want to discuss this further as I felt I was being attacked, and she ignored me the rest of the afternoon.

It was uncomfortable with none of the other friends saying anything, but I have had a few texts tonight saying they thought she was out of order for picking on me. Im annoyed though as nobody said anything at the time.

however, I’m now questioning a lot about us, class, can I call myself working class if I went to private school and so did my child? Does that make me a Tory even though I’ve always been Labour or Green? Are we bad people? My partner has told me to shush and we pay our taxes and give to charity, that we are good people and we can spend our money where we want. I don’t know whether I’ve let friend into my head too much but I had a cry when I came home as I felt like I was made out to be a terrible person!! Though maybe that was the few wines and I’ll be fine when it’s all out my system.

I know private school is a touchy topic but am I being unreasonable for sending him? Or am I being unreasonable for getting upset about this? Really confused about how I feel

It’s none of her business where you choose to send your child to school and she shouldn’t have berated you.

Your "friend" is a bitch; and no friend at all.
That's it.

Your money, your child! You are doing the best you can.
was there maybe a bit of jealousy that you can afford it and they can’t?
As I don’t really like drama, I personally wouldn’t socialise with person again - but obv if needed to would make sure I stay in different topics

I can't understand why you're so upset about it tbh. I'm very proud to be able to send my DD to private school and I wouldn't be bothered by someone ranting at me and calling me a Tory. You just need to grow a thicker skin, people will get upset about this sort of thing but you just have to do right by your child.

Tell her that jealousy doesn't suit them.
Don't ever apologise for giving your child the best you can.
If you think it's the right choice, you can afford it and your/your child are

happy then the only thing I would be questioning is if you want to remain friends with them.

You can spend your money on what you like so she is being unreasonable for sure. And deep down you know that. You didn’t need to write a lengthy thread.

Private school is a very contentious subjust on Mumsnet and in the real world. People always feel the need to give their opinion. Most of the negative comments come from jealousy in my opinion. You are able to give your child something that they can't or won't.

It sounds like maybe just keep your distance from that person. There are plenty of lovely, non judgemental parents in the state and private sector. Don't waste your time and energy on her.

X

She sounds hideously judgemental. You don't need friends like that.

Oh for goodness sake! Your friend is a begrudging bitch and not a proper friend.

however, I’m now questioning a lot about us, class, can I call myself working class if I went to private school and so did my child?

And what's this with the hand-wringing and navel gazing about your own 'class'? Good Lord, how antiquated. I went to boarding school and there were plenty of kids whose parents I am sure worked hard to afford private fees.

Just be content that you can afford to send your child to the best school to suit their needs and who gives a shit what anyone thinks? 🙄

I work in a private school and used to say that I didn't think it was worth making sacrifices for and that it was only worth doing if you had so much money that you didn't notice the fees. The benefit was more in resources, opportunities and class size than actual education.

But, after the last few years of lack of online learning, in covid, chronic underfunding, recruitment crisis, strikes and now concrete, I would do everything I could to send my children to a private school (luckily I don't have any because I wouldn't be able to afford it.)

It's the same with healthcare. I tried really hard to get a doctor's appointment a few weeks ago and couldn't get one so I ended up paying for private treatment. I shouldn't have had to and was privileged that I could but it felt sadly necessary.

In an ideal world, I wouldn't agree with either private education or private healthcare but, at the moment, I don't blame anyone for doing what they have to do.

Op this must have Neen up settings foe you especially with a child who has perhaps extra needs and needs support.

Your friend sounds like she's crossed that line into using politics mentally like a religion.

No amount of stayed school can improve with fewer private school. It's a convenient excuse.

We've had the comprehensive experiment for a long time now and unfortunately they are still too patchy to be completely relied upon.

Tell her to go fuck herself. It’s jealousy and she would do the same if she could. You are doing the best thing for your child.

I have two children, one who has SEND and quite tiny for her age who benefits magnificently from the private school she goes to because for her it’s disciplined but so very caring so she is achieving personally, academically and in every other way. Our youngest is strong and sees academic things much more straightforwardly. He benefits from the sporting nature of the school and the fact that he can be stretched as he’s in scholarship classes.

Two kids. One school. We are lucky we can pay but wouldn’t change that. We just wish other schools looked up as opposed to thinking people would benefit from breaking the system down.

She just sounds jealous to me OP. Ignore her.

When our DC was 5 he had been in the US at nursery - where they start formalism school later - and he was a tiny prem baby wearing age 2 clothes at 5. Private school was the easiest way to start him later in reception.

Ignore what people say about politics. I know several Labour Party activists whose children went private. The most snobbish people at this he private school were parents whovthought Being on the playing fields of England as self made folk made them better than other people. The true posh people were much less Tory and there was everything inbetween.

in the end we moved on but it was the school under the new head we went off. It’s probably fine now

I do think that there are many parents who think that another parent’s choice of school is a clear judgment of their own child’s education. It’s odd. I can’t think of anything else where the choices we make are seen as a veiling criticism of others.

YANBU. How you raise your child, whether that be state, home schooling or independent is none of her business. It is entirely down to you and your child's dad.

If your ignorant judgmental friend had an ounce of common sense she would know that every parent does the best they can to meet their particular child's needs, and those needs vary hugely.

I'd say you've outgrown your friend.

@dancingqueen19 Are you absolutely sure she said all that? Because it seems more like something you'd read on a thread on Mumsnet than something someone would say IRL!

But if she did, just smile sweetly and say "we're happy with our choices, thank you!"

But it really is something you have to sort out in your head before you drive yourself crazy. There is a lot of cognitive dissonance going on there.

@CurlewKate what kind of comment is that? I’ve heard other people make comments like this for years, as I said I moved school to go to private school and I had comments and judgements made about me, none as blunt as today though. I was upset at friend being so judgemental and so horrible to me. Yes there’s cognitive dissonance, that’s also why I’m upset.

i understand the comment made further up about class and it being antiquated, and it’s so right. Think I’ve got my own background and upbringing to play there as well, which I understand. I came on here to ask a general consensus as it’s a mixed bag of opinions on here which I thought was the most honest?

The group I was with I’ve known for nearly 15 years, all left-ish leaning politically but all on a spectrum - others in this group are financially much better off than me, so it’s not as If I’m the odd one out. Judgey friends husband does the exact same job as my partner, just for a different company, so it’s not as if we think we are better, we are so similar! Just trying to do the right thing by my little boy. Might be different if we had multiple kids but so far it’s just him.

My university friends are a little bit similar. We all have children the same age ish and my two are the only ones at private school.

I try not to mention the things my DDs are doing as I don't want to come across braggy.

No, you can’t call yourself working class. But why does it matter?
i think private school should be all banned but I wouldn’t rant to a friend about it if their kid went to one. Honestly just ignore it and focus on your family and own life.

...not being leftist

Don't knock a compliment when you get one OP!

I voted YABU as you're silly for entertaining that conversation for so long and than going online and spending however long posting that massive OP about it. Ridiculous friend and ridiculous waste of time to worry about this.

All of the "we are lucky we are able to afford it" is part of the problem. It comes across as disingenuous. You have made choices and prioritised the decision you've made - you need to own it. We've done the same - smaller house than we could have had, fewer and less extravagant holidays, DH even changed career and works in a school (not in small part for the fee remission).

There is nothing to be ashamed of in making what you consider to be the best choice of schooling for your child.

Sdpbody, no need to worry about being 'braggy', you do know plenty of state school kids do very well in life