To pay for private school?

[dancingqueen19]

Just had an argument with a friend and feeling very uneasy.

DS has just started primary school, seems to be settling in well. Met up with a group of university friends earlier who I haven’t seen in a while, and one friend in particular who I’ve always got on well with had made lots of snide comments about private schools, tories etc which I tried to let slide, but after multiple jabs I asked if she had a problem.

In return I got a speech about not being leftist, shouldn’t buy education, I think my kids are better than her kids (certainly not the case). I explained that my boy was late in all his milestones, and I waited until he was 5 to send him to school, not 4 like her boy, as I felt he wasn’t ready.

We are very fortunate and can afford the school, and seeing as the other schools in the area were at capacity, my partner and I felt the smaller class sizes would be better for him, and if there are any issues then hopefully will be picked up quicker. If the local school had classes then he’d have gone there. There is also a local catholic school but I didn’t want him going there - nothing personal just we are not religious at all. I did say to her these reasons, however I did say that I don’t need to justify it, it’s my money and I can send him wherever I want.

Friend went on a big rant as I said calling me a Tory, that I’ve changed (always been left leaning) and he’s not going to be street smart at all (it’s not the poshest of private schools and we live in the city). And that he will be bullied by the local kids.

She knows I attended private school for my last two years (on a scholarship, I grew up VERY working class). My partner grew up quite well off but we both have good jobs and work hard. Neither of us drink much and we’ve only been abroad a few times - we are not frivolous with money at all and private school is something we spent a lot of time discussing.

I’ve never once mentioned that he was going to private school before this meet up, it was only mentioned when someone else commented on the uniform being smart that it came up - I live in a different city to the other friends so they wouldn’t automatically know. And I’m the last of our kids to start school, so they were asking how he was getting on - I wouldn’t have brought it up otherwise as I’m aware how touchy a subject private school is.

I did say to friend that private schools are such a mixed bag, it’s not all snooty folk and some of the mums I’ve chatted to at the school gate all seem perfectly fine - I know two of them from the same nursery DS was at which is nice. I made it clear I didn’t want to discuss this further as I felt I was being attacked, and she ignored me the rest of the afternoon.

It was uncomfortable with none of the other friends saying anything, but I have had a few texts tonight saying they thought she was out of order for picking on me. Im annoyed though as nobody said anything at the time.

however, I’m now questioning a lot about us, class, can I call myself working class if I went to private school and so did my child? Does that make me a Tory even though I’ve always been Labour or Green? Are we bad people? My partner has told me to shush and we pay our taxes and give to charity, that we are good people and we can spend our money where we want. I don’t know whether I’ve let friend into my head too much but I had a cry when I came home as I felt like I was made out to be a terrible person!! Though maybe that was the few wines and I’ll be fine when it’s all out my system.

I know private school is a touchy topic but am I being unreasonable for sending him? Or am I being unreasonable for getting upset about this? Really confused about how I feel

@coverp "There is nothing to be ashamed of in making what you consider to be the best choice of schooling for your child."

No. But some choices are incompatible with some belief systems. That's just something you have to live with.

No I don’t think you can call yourself working class if you send your children private but what does that matter? Your class doesn’t mean you get segregated in any way in regular life

Also there isn’t a direct link of private education = Tory voter (albeit it may skew that direction).

Personally it is not a choice I would make even though I could afford it as I don’t agree with private education. But I also appreciate that every one has their own choice to make, so while I would have my own thoughts on the matter I would never make those thoughts known

It’s none of her business.

Is this the first time she has shown such dominating behaviour against someone in your group, or you?
It’s oddly controlling to dress you down in front of others for what is a private economic decision.
I assume she lives in a vegan commune squat and writes anarchy poems for a living? If no, she can’t point fingers.

Voting Tory makes you Tory, not sending your kid to private school. Anyway, I don't know anyone who is completely on board with ALL the policies of one political party in real life. I'm left leaning but that doesn't mean I don't think any Tory policies are better than Labour's.

Imo being rich doesn't make you change class.

In all honesty if I met an old university friend who had always been a lefty who would tell me they had put their kid into private school I would definitely swallow hard.

I'd hope I wouldn't rant at them but after 2/3 glasses I might. I still think your mate was very rude but if they had a very lefty/working class image of you they would have been surprised. They should have dropped it though.

But please don't go round telling people you're working class. You're not. You have grown up working class or you're from a working class background but with a kid in private school you're no longer working class. Most people if they'd stop drinking and didn't holiday abroad wouldn't have the money to send their kids to private school. It's not because people spend less they can afford to send their kids to private school - it's because they have a big income (by ordinary people's - not Mumsnet standards) or have inherited wealth.

My friend is sending her 4 year old to a private primary school and I have to admit I have thought to myself that is a massive waste of money. Her husband is very controlling and wants to be seen as rich even though they are not, and he doesn't want their DD to go to a perfectly good primary close to where my friends family live because he hates them and doesn't want her (my friend) spending time there. Despite all this extra awfulness I do think it's a massive waste of money in most circumstances. I have asked her (gently) if she thinks she can afford it and I don't even think she knows. I would certainly never have a go at her, it's their decision entirely.

Hmmm… she sounds nice

One of mine went to private school , situations changed and the other 3 haven’t.

makes no difference to what class you are and your friends an idiot x

My kids go to private school. I work at the same school, and am a labour supporter and union member.

unfortunately in my area the public schools are pretty rough. The government bureaucracy is insane, and it seems like they spend all their time on that rather than teaching and behaviour. Only kids who don’t get aggressively bullied are those that can form a tight knit pack to stick with. It’s literally like a prison. My asd (loner) son would be eaten alive. It seems like part of a wider youth crime problem in my area too, there is no accountability they get arrested and then straight back out. Every day there is posts about gangs of kids bashing other kids at the train or shoplifting, breaking into cars ect.

It's not her business.

YANBU and your friend should be an ex-friend. I say this as an ex-Labour party member who now cannot stand the way lefties bring their kids up to be so intolerant of other reasonable viewpoints (see also the 'gender identity ideology' nonsense for why I can no longer vote for them.)
Any sensible parent does what it is best for their particular child in their particular circumstances.
They are simply jealous at the end of the day and hiding behind their lefty virtue-signalling of being anti-private education.

@Neodymium "unfortunately in my area the public schools are pretty rough."
I assume you're not in the UK?

We’re sort of in the same boat, our DC had a really hard time at her first preschool, initially we shouldered all of the responsibility but it became clear it was largely the school responding to her more challenging traits very poorly which led them to get worse (behavioral psychologist opinion after working with DC and them) but as part of the process we also discovered she tested very highly for gifted ness (recommended also by psychologist who felt some behaviors were because she was bored out of her mind and not being redirected well). The last few months have left us very anxious as parents, it’s preschool for goodness sakes and it already went very wrong, as well as concerned that at FOUR DC is already showing problems that are apparently common to gifted kids. So we are looking into private schools for gifted kids because we were left feeling like the local school ( which is highly rated) just won’t work for her and we just don’t want her to hate school… long story short, a couple good friends I confided in have been really dismissive of our concerns with a lot of “well I was fine…”, implication being it was good enough for me… why isn’t it for your kid? We all grew up very well off but went to great state schools (not UK). It’s felt like there is no understanding of what it’s like to see your small child who loves to learn, struggling so much… I don’t WANT to pay $35k/year!! But mainstream school doesn’t work for everyone!

Your friend was incredibly rude and you don't have to justify your choices to her (or to anyone).

That said...I have a friend who is a very public leftie - think lots of unnecessary guff on social media after diversity, immigration, social justice, etc. Very proud of living in the city and not joining the white flight by fleeing to the suburbs.

Her child started middle school last week and she posted a photo proudly on FB. A friend identified the school from the uniform and said, "I didn't know "Lily" was going to Posherton Private School? How great! I've heard great things about it". Posherton fees are about $36k in middle school; moreso in high school.

Friend pulled the photo from FB about 3 minutes after she was "outed".

Why does it matter what class you are? Is the class system really so rigid?

Live within your means, do the best you can as a parent and don’t cause harm to others.

If that school suits your child better than another and you can afford it, why would you question yourself on an archaic principle of class?

edited: or early political views?

Our 8yo DS with SEN nearly got excluded from his state primary school as incidents eventually got out of hand due to the school not dealing with bullying he experienced for over one year. As a result of being suspended for standing up to the bully, DS was finally put on a two year waiting list for an Autism/ASD Assessment with CAHMS via the school. We could seek a private assessment, but there’s
a chance it won’t be recognised if it’s not via the NHS.

12yo DD took the 11+ and another private school entry exam which was based on the 11+. DD was offered places at two private schools. We did not apply for any grammar schools as we do not live near any. After much deliberation, we decided to send DD to a new local academy school. DD is doing really well there and is also excelling at the wide range of sports on offer. A pupil from one of the private schools that DD got into joined DD’s academy school at the end of last term.

Both DC currently attend London state schools, but we’re seriously considering private secondary for DS due to his SEN. All three of our DC have/are receiving private tutoring. Eldest DC attended state schools, Uni and got promoted to management in their mid 20’s.

We’d never vote Tory. Both DH and I were brought up on council estates and attended University. DH owns multiple businesses and we have access to private healthcare. I work in the Public Sector in a role related to my Social Sciences degree. Most people consider us to be Middle Class due to our lifestyle. I don’t believe in the class system. We are aspirational.

If crumbling schools, hospitals, etc are not a wake up call re. this Tory Government, I don’t know what else to say.

You do the best you can do for your child and it’s nobody else’s business.

Your so-called friend was out of order as she is jealous. Time to distance yourself.

I think it's not so much a class issue, but that you can't really continue to call yourself of the Left if you're using private education. Obviously it's a personal choice, but you can't have it both ways.

I’ve always found it strange when people are so bothered about school choices which others make. I think part of it is them trying to justify to themselves why they’ve made their own decisions, perhaps because they’re not entirely confident in their own choice.

When we decided to send ours private, we did have people questioning why we weren’t choosing the local school and telling us it was a waste of money. Funnily enough, the most vocal parents about this have since removed theirs from the local school and sent them private. It’s amazing how many people are ideologically against private education but suddenly change their views when their financial situation changes. I’ve also been told it’s cruel making children go to school on a Saturday, despite the children being perfectly happy with it.

Some of my best friends have very different political views from my own and use the state system. We never discuss politics or private Vs state education because it doesn’t matter. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. People who comment on others’ choices are rude.

It’s strange that we don’t have the same strong divides on healthcare decisions. People don’t tend to be as vocal when others choose to use the private healthcare system.

I find the whole private/state school debate in this country really weird.

Your money, your child, you spend how you see fit. Middle class families spend fortunes buying houses in the right catchment area, suddenly finding god for a few years, tutoring for years to get into the grammar school and that’s ok, but you are a terrible person who is driving state education into the ground if you choose to go private.

My experience is the most vocal “opponents” tend to be people who could have afforded it (often with sacrifices such as smaller house/less holidays/not having a SAP) and have chosen not to - I’m sure subconsciously trying to justify their choices.

OP you did what you felt was best for your child. Your “friend” sounds obnoxious.

Private schools are very divisive tbh so I think you will come across those views.

It’s jealousy and she would do the same if she could. You are doing the best thing for your child.

This side of the argument is just as unhelpful.

The OP is not wrong for choosing private school equally someone criticising their existence is not automatically jealous.

I do think that there are many parents who think that another parent’s choice of school is a clear judgment of their own child’s education. It’s odd. I can’t think of anything else where the choices we make are seen as a veiling criticism of others.

parenting in general is like this! starts with the bf vs ff debate

All of the "we are lucky we are able to afford it" is part of the problem. It comes across as disingenuous. You have made choices and prioritised the decision you've made - you need to own it.

That's true.

In all honesty if I met an old university friend who had always been a lefty who would tell me they had put their kid into private school I would definitely swallow hard

One of my relatives is proper lefty leaning & really dislikes private schools. They overlook the fact family wealth meant they could buy a 1.2m house in the catchment in an excellent state school. 🙄

I don’t believe in the class system.

It is a thing though...