To pay for private school?

[dancingqueen19]

Just had an argument with a friend and feeling very uneasy.

DS has just started primary school, seems to be settling in well. Met up with a group of university friends earlier who I haven’t seen in a while, and one friend in particular who I’ve always got on well with had made lots of snide comments about private schools, tories etc which I tried to let slide, but after multiple jabs I asked if she had a problem.

In return I got a speech about not being leftist, shouldn’t buy education, I think my kids are better than her kids (certainly not the case). I explained that my boy was late in all his milestones, and I waited until he was 5 to send him to school, not 4 like her boy, as I felt he wasn’t ready.

We are very fortunate and can afford the school, and seeing as the other schools in the area were at capacity, my partner and I felt the smaller class sizes would be better for him, and if there are any issues then hopefully will be picked up quicker. If the local school had classes then he’d have gone there. There is also a local catholic school but I didn’t want him going there - nothing personal just we are not religious at all. I did say to her these reasons, however I did say that I don’t need to justify it, it’s my money and I can send him wherever I want.

Friend went on a big rant as I said calling me a Tory, that I’ve changed (always been left leaning) and he’s not going to be street smart at all (it’s not the poshest of private schools and we live in the city). And that he will be bullied by the local kids.

She knows I attended private school for my last two years (on a scholarship, I grew up VERY working class). My partner grew up quite well off but we both have good jobs and work hard. Neither of us drink much and we’ve only been abroad a few times - we are not frivolous with money at all and private school is something we spent a lot of time discussing.

I’ve never once mentioned that he was going to private school before this meet up, it was only mentioned when someone else commented on the uniform being smart that it came up - I live in a different city to the other friends so they wouldn’t automatically know. And I’m the last of our kids to start school, so they were asking how he was getting on - I wouldn’t have brought it up otherwise as I’m aware how touchy a subject private school is.

I did say to friend that private schools are such a mixed bag, it’s not all snooty folk and some of the mums I’ve chatted to at the school gate all seem perfectly fine - I know two of them from the same nursery DS was at which is nice. I made it clear I didn’t want to discuss this further as I felt I was being attacked, and she ignored me the rest of the afternoon.

It was uncomfortable with none of the other friends saying anything, but I have had a few texts tonight saying they thought she was out of order for picking on me. Im annoyed though as nobody said anything at the time.

however, I’m now questioning a lot about us, class, can I call myself working class if I went to private school and so did my child? Does that make me a Tory even though I’ve always been Labour or Green? Are we bad people? My partner has told me to shush and we pay our taxes and give to charity, that we are good people and we can spend our money where we want. I don’t know whether I’ve let friend into my head too much but I had a cry when I came home as I felt like I was made out to be a terrible person!! Though maybe that was the few wines and I’ll be fine when it’s all out my system.

I know private school is a touchy topic but am I being unreasonable for sending him? Or am I being unreasonable for getting upset about this? Really confused about how I feel

Judging by the house prices in my area, it is very widespread. People pay a substantial premium to be within catchment for the outstanding primary school, and the estate agents use this as a key selling point.

Tbh, we chose our house because we liked the school. I was less interested in ofsted and more interested in other aspects of what it offered. It was rated "good" then, but house prices went through the roof after it got its outstanding rating. We regularly get notes through the door asking us if we would consider selling!!

From the dept of education...its old but still rings true.

Fair enough. As I said, I don't doubt it happens. I'm pretty sure it's not only "lefties" that do it, though.

I personally believe in a radical shake up of the school admissions process anyway. Fair banding is probably the way to go. When I'm in charge, maybe I'll introduce a law that you're not allowed to move house for 2 years each side of your children starting school or starting secondary school. 🤣

Mrsbennett, no doubt a percentage is sen, but none of the people I know who are sending their kids to private school for that reason

Of course private school is elitist and something no left leaning person should consider but like anything else when it comes to our family we want the best and unfortunately thats usually private.

Its not a conundrum I've had as we aren't well off but i can understand your dilemma. At the end of the day you are the parents and its your choice alone.

@Sigmama I know two children in private school because they have AEN. One is actually funded by the LEA. I also know 3 children who are/were at private school because they are gifted in non-academic areas. So it does happen. Just not as often as the apologists would like us to think.

Yanbu. Your money your choice. As a teacher myself I can tell you the state school system is a mess. How dare she say your child wont be street wise and will get bullied that is a horrible thing to say.

As for class. You are middle class now but who cares. That is not a bad thing. There are good and bad people of all classes and demographics. It doesn't make you TORY either and even if you changed your mind and voted TORY so what. Its a free democratic country vote for who you want it won't make you a bad person.

In our area, houses in the catchment of the only decent state school are £200-£300k more expensive. The other state schools in the town are a mess.

As for bullying, my ds emerged from state primary, bored, angry and lacking in confidence because he had been bullied there for being a 'swot' - he likes reading.

He's been at a small non-selective unfashionable independent for the last four years and is now a different child. They don't tolerate bullying and have a very public 'two-strikes and you're out' rule. He's enjoying sport, has made friends, is happy, cheerful, motivated and on track for good gcses. He's growing into a lovely young man. It's a huge relief.

I'm a single mum, ds has a 50% scholarship but even then, the fees are a stretch for me. But worth it. Ignore others. You do whatever you think is best for your child in your circumstances.

Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Her anger is misplaced and she shouldn’t have had a go at you. There are some legitimate arguements against private schools (they further entrench privilege and hamper social mobility) but that’s not your fault. We all do the best god our children with our means and within thd society we live.

You will be paying twenty percent more if Labour gets in to support the children of your friend at state schools. Pretty sure she is not complaining about that. What a prejudice moron your “friend” is. She is disrespectful and a horrible person. I would just delete a person like that from my life. Not time for losers.

Also don’t like the implication that drinking alcohol and having nice holidays are somehow morally bankrupt behaviour!

Dump the "friend"
She sounds judgy and jealous and how you run your life and family is none of her business.

^ I voted yabu because it’s extraordinary to be so wound about this and suggest you’re a bit “not at ease” about your upbringing and class. It’s not that deep.

At the end of the day , you picked the school to best meet your child’s needs and it’s got actual fuck all to do with anyone else.

Feel proud you did the research and made the choices based on what suits him best!

Your ‘friend’ sounds super jealous to me!

I agree with your friend to some extent but I think she should have kept her opinions to herself. It’s completely up to you what you do with your money. The education system is to blame. I don’t think private schools should exist and that people shouldn’t be able to buy their children high marks but that’s the society we live in, so if you can afford it why not take advantage of it.

I think the fact that you are wound up by her comments mean that you’re not comfortable with your choice. I think you may get similar comments from others so really need to let the comments go over your head and embrace your decision.

It’s outrageously rude and socially inept to say things like that to someone about their life choices. Awful.

I wouldn't care.

We all do whatever we can to get the advantages we can for our kids - reading, clubs etc.

You're spending some money to send him to private school - nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't be sacrificing my child's education for my principles either.

Apologies, I didn’t mean any harm by the comment about holidays or alcohol. My partner has some health conditions that make travel insurance very expensive, so our ‘holidays’ tend to be going up north to visit family. As for alcohol, I’m not a big drinker nowadays - could count on my hands the amount of times I’ve drank since I had DS, just gone right off it, and DP has never been a big drinker.

my point is we can all pay our bills and our taxes and what’s left over is our money to spend as we please - she’s not morally better than me that she’s choosing to go on holiday twice a year instead of education. Nor am I better than her or anyone else. We could have moved to a better area to put DS in a better state school, but then the money for that would have been the same money spent on his schooling anyway - and we love our house!

all the comments about class, I can understand where you are coming from, and I definitely was overthinking it, however I think saying ‘it’s not that deep’ is being a bit too glib about it. I know times have changed from when I grew up but I’ve just always had the mindset of I’m ‘working class’, I still have lots of ‘working class’ mindsets my partner can sometimes tease me for, so it was just the first time I’ve had to step back and acknowledge the difference between my families lifestyle as a child, vs my lifestyle now with my own family - and I’m aware of how lucky I am

I think you’ve probably understood better where she’s coming from. I can sort of see why she might have been angry or upset, especially if you’ve always been left leaning maybe she was just really disappointed. If you are ideologically opposed to private schools which some people are (and for some decent reasons) it can be a real shock when people you admired or thought you understood choose them.

My own personal view influences this a bit- I wouldn’t choose a private school unless I felt I had no other option (like SEN). I do see it as buying your child advantage which others can’t afford and therefore perpetuating equality. I don’t agree with tax breaks on fees. I also don’t agree that middle class parents opting out of state schools helps them because e.g. they are less crowded because it’s exactly those parents and children that the school system needs to improve generally and create a truly level playing field. BUT I would never be rude to a friend about this (above an inward gulp), I understand the desire to help your own kids especially if SEN are involved, that some state schools are on their last legs and that others disagree with me. So I think her underlying emotions might be valid and not just based on jealousy but the way she expressed them was not fair.

Totally understand that - however she knows I attended private school, we all went to university together, she knows my partner went to private school, I can’t see how it’s much of a shock.

The thing that bugs me is I’m not the standout in the group for money - far from it. Her and her man are both accountants and I will assume they earn more than us. One friend in this friendship group - her and her husband are literal millionaire, with a very successful business they own. They live in a beautiful big house, have multiple houses abroad etc, but where’s the soapbox to moan about their privilege? Their kids go to a state school but one of the top ones in the country, and with the money and contacts their parents have they’re still likely to have far more opportunities than my boy. But she’s never pulled up them in public for it (and fair enough, they’ve done nothing wrong!).

I have not said anything this time but I feel if it gets brought up again I will be biting back. All we all want is to help our children and give them the best life. My parents scraped by to pay for my uniform and school trips etc, and went without. My son will have better opportunities than most schools, but then again compared to the Eton boys he will look like he has none. But I’m not losing sleep over it anymore

You've no need to apologise. You are investing in your son's education not crack!

My husband and I both went to independent schools though I'm from a working class background, he isn't but had a full boarding scholarship. I teach in a rural comprehensive and I love it. My two children are at local grammar schools. We made the decisions that suited our family and our purse strings. Honestly I'm so fed up with inverse snobbery. My late mother worked 3 jobs to put me though a small girl's school and I'm ever grateful she did. Mind you I wish I had made more of the opportunity. 😉

What matters is that you are prioritising your child's education.

I'd be crossing off said 'friend' from my Christmas Card List. Why can't people just be tolerant and curious of people who think differently rather than pass judgement. Honestly!

You are absolutely not being unreasonable! The decision where to send your child/ren to school is a private matter between you and your partner. You have assessed your child's needs and decided what is the best choice for him within your financial budget - you don't need to defend your choice. It is no-one else's business and for a friend to impose that view point on you is unfair of her and frankly to do so in front of other people is incredibly rude.

I went to state school and moved to a boarding school between 15-18 because I started to go off the rails a bit. I think the state school I went to was great (I was going off the rails outside of school) but am equally grateful for my stint in private school because the change in environment really helped and turned me around. I have received a few cutting comments over the years about attending boarding school from friends and colleagues - however I have always adopted the approach of water off a duck's back!

My other half went to a state school and feels very strongly about our children going to a state school and not a private school. So when we purchased our home last year we considered catchment areas. However it has always been agreed that if we thought our child/ren were struggling, private school would remain an option on the table.

You just have to do what feels right for your family - and don't let it get you down!

Short answer: no you’re not being unreasonable making a personal decision about your child. However, and it’s a big one, don’t be surprised if people you’ve known for years, and to whom you’ve expressed left leaning principles, then query that decision.

we can afford private, we choose not to, on ethical grounds. The more able, articulate, questioning, aspirational, academically demanding parents enter the state school system, the more challenge to poor provision which leads to improvement. That’s my view and I accept it is not shared by many of my friends. I don’t berate them for their choices, but I do gently point out to one, who claims to be an ardent socialist, and only when relevant, that you can’t be that socialist if you privately educate. You just can’t.

so own your decisions and don’t apologise for them. Of my many friends who privately educate their kids, the ones I most respect are those who say ‘bought my kids privilege? hell yes and I don’t apologise’. Because they are being honest, with me and themselves.

be honest with yourself op. I think the issue here is that your decision and your friend’s comment has shown to YOU that your politics have changed and it’s shocked you. I’m afraid you have to own that.

“They live in a beautiful big house, have multiple houses abroad etc, but where’s the soapbox to moan about their privilege?”

Thing is, I don’t think that earning good money, living in a big house etc is seen by most left leaning people as selling out in quite the same way. With private schooling it’s the element of paying for your own kids to beat other people’s and also the fact that you’re not engaging in local education, where the schools really need the middle class engaged parents and their kids which means it’s essentially incompatible with socialist ideals whereas the other things are more able to be reconciled. I say this not to get on a soap box but because I think you might not have understood her POV.

Agree Heron. They are not the same thing.

Also agree with Guilt. She was rude and out of order and you are perfectly entitled to make choices regarding your family but you need to own your decisions. And accept you are no longer “working class” or “left leaning”.

Actions speak louder than words - you can’t parrot beliefs on the one hand then your actions are entirely the opposite to that - you will open yourself up to accusations of hypocrisy.