Am I expected to spend maintenance on only DD?

[CMonFoodandTreats]

DD is 9, and I split from her dad just before her 3rd birthday so almost 7 years ago now.

He pays me £160 a month maintenance.

I use it to buy food for both of us plus treats, I do the shopping fortnightly so £80 a fortnight. So I’ve bought myself some icecream, biscuits and my favourite wine and DD chose some biscuits, some chocolate bars and her favourite fizzy orange pop with hers. Some weeks we don’t spend anything on treats as we have them so I save it and it rolls over to the next fortnight.

I don’t buy these treats until all fruit, vegetables, meat, fish and any ingredients for meals have been either purchased or budgeted for from that money and use whatevers left to buy the treats (I prefer to buy certain vegetables fresh the day of or day before I use it, yes I know it’s slightly more expensive that way).

I work PT, and ExH has DD for 24 hours a fortnight. Never gives her a proper meal – usually just cereal for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch – which I’m not bothered about, DDs contact with her dad is more important than a meal. But my job covers all other bills including phone bill and broadband. I am not in any debts and I don’t claim anything except Child Benefit as my wage plus CM is enough for us to live on.

My dad has just told me he thinks it’s wrong I spend maintenance on food/treats, that if it was the other way round I wouldn’t want DDs money being used to buy him treats. Actually I wouldn’t care, as long as DD is fed, clothed, had a roof over her head and got to do all compulsory school trips I really wouldn’t mind. She’s far from hard done by with me buying my own food and treats from “her” money. She never goes without, I’ve just spent over £200 on a residential with school and she’s going off on a camp with Scouts after Christmas.

She eats incredibly well, quite a balanced diet according to her paediatrician (she has a genetic condition) and she’s a healthy weight, a bit small for her age but that’s her condition and not what she’s being fed (according to Paeds, I have no idea how they can tell its condition related and not food related).

Dad says its wrong and I should be made to spend CM only on DD. And he thinks ExH would be angry if he found out it pays our food bill each month.

So I said I’d ask on here? So who is BU?

YANBU – You’re fine
YABU – You shouldn’t use it for food and it should only be spent on DD

Thanks everyone, sorry for delaying in coming back.

I mentioned I was going shopping for food and dad asked where money came from and I said "(ExH) paid me maintenance yesterday so thats food for the month sorted at least".

I earn just over £1k a month working 3 days a week, I don't need UC so I don't claim it, I have enough to live off and not go without so I don't claim it even though we'd get it,

Don't be daft. Claim it.

It's money to help you pay for what your child needs - which is a roof over their head, keeping them warm and clean and fed and clothed and educated. The money should into the household pot, it isn't a separate thing.

What does your dad actually want you to spend it on, gonks and hairbows for her?

Your father is an idiot, and so are you if you a) entertain any of this crap anymore and b) tell him anything more about your finances!

So in his head, if you went shopping on your payday it would be fine as it would be "your" money paying for it, and if you paid for your DD's trips, clothes, etc only on maintenance day then that would also be fine. But the fact that it goes into one pot and everything comes out of that pot isnt?

Not exactly a critical thinker is he?

Claim it - if you don't need it as such - save it for a secure future for yourself and your dd, to improve your situation, for emergencies, for a college fund, for a deposit, for training. Don't stiff your dd for the sake of misplaced pride.

YABU to think of this as your ex buying you treats, as that makes him sound far more generous than he likely is. The ex’s contribution is towards DD’s costs and your own hard-earned money buys you your much deserved 🍷

@category12 His list included school uniform, school shoes, school trips, pocket money, none school clothes and trainers.

Apart from pocket money I pay for all those things anyway. She gets a bit of pocket money if she goes on a trip with school or holiday club and is allowed it but she prefers me to say "You can have £5 this week" and then tell me she'd like to spend £1 on sweets, £3 on a book etc (obviously I buy her books and we go to the library but I do make her spend her own money on it as well) we tried pocket money and she just got upset because she didn't understand why she had the money. It's fine, as I do say "You've spent your £5 now so no more treats until Friday/next week"

£160 a month? Does that pay a quarter of the rent? A quarter of the gas? Quarter of the electric? Quarter of the council tax? Car tax, MOT, insurance or Petrol for driving DD around?

All your bills, you always need to pay. Half for you and half is DD's usage. You as a parent need to go halves on DD's costs so that means her dad should be paying equally.

I can guarantee that it's more than his measly £160 a month and that's not even taking into account her food and clothing costs. So your dad can shut his gob. You didn't use your EX's payment for treats. It was already used for DD's living costs and that cash is YOUR leftover monthly finances.

None of your fathers business.

Tell him less of yours.

Your dad is being ridiculous. You aren't actually using it for that just because you pay for food when it comes in. You are using all of your money for all the things you and DD need.

I do think you should consider claiming UC, even if you are saving it at the moment for a rainy day. You might suddenly need it for a broken appliance or whatever and you don't want to be stuck suddenly. It doesn't sound like you are able to save anything. Take it for the security if nothing else.

It isn't 50%. Your bills and expenses would not all be halved if you were a single adult without a child. People's expenses / outgoings do not double with each child.

However OP is fine.

Claim the UC if you are entitled and save it for your daughters future if you don't need it day to day. You're doing her a disservice not to.

OP, it feels a bit strange that you are saying your EX's maintenance is the cash for treats.... are you specifically wanting to think about it that way, to make the point that you don't need him?

Kudos to you, managing not to need him or his money! Its just a strange way to frame it and I see why it would confuse your dad. I'd think of it that your ex is (rightly) contributing to your daughter's living costs, clothes etc... meaning you have money of yours left available for treats.

But either way, regardless of how you present it, you've every right to the money and are doing nothing wrong!

Why would you not claim uc. I mean it’s there for you.

How can you afford your mortgage or rent, council tax, gas/electric, food, school lunch for dc, mobile phone bill, broadband. That’s without any expenses if you have a car. if you say you are earning just over 1k per month.

the system is there to help people who are in need.

With regards to your dad he is wrong. The maintainance goes in to your pot and can be spent on rent, food, whatever else.

Your Dad really shouldn’t even be asking you what you spent it on. None of his business

he should be supporting you not making you doubt yourself

And agree with this too! Admire your independence, but this money is available to help enrich people's lives- use it for your daughter now or in savings!

I agree with claiming the UC. You say you have enough to live on, but the reason that Income support/Tax Credits stopped including maintenance in assessments is because an ex can stop paying and there is fuck all you can do about it.

My cousin really suffered when this was part of the assessment. her ex earned well and was due to pay a certain amount and so her claim was assessed as her being entitled to CB and £11 and pennies income support a week. So thats what they paid her. Except he didnt pay a penny and would work out of the country for 6 months a year. It would take months, in which time she was basically being fed and kept warm etc by family, to sort out and then he would be back and the cycle started again. It went on for about 2 years iirc, maybe a bit longer. It was utterly shit. When my neice turned 18 he owed tens of thousands in unpaid support. Nothing was ever done.

The point is that he could stop paying tomorrow for a variety of reasons.....he could get ill, made redundant, sacked, die (it happens!) or just because he can. And then you will struggle until your claim is processed. Do it now.

Oh your dad sounds like a treat ! Spend it on what you like op , don’t over think it .

Is your Dad feeling alright? Just because in your mind you spend the maintenance on food in reality it's just a contribution to your DDs upbringing - you could arbitrarily allocate some of it to housing / heating / clothes / school equipment - whatever.

Crack on with buying yourself a bottle of wine and tell your Dad to do the maths and actually to mind his own business.

Also, claim the money you are entitled to.

@PyongyangKipperbang Honestly I'd just up my hours, I earn well for what I do and could up the other 2 days a week to just doing school hours and be better off, I just don't because I don't need to.

I'd rather not claim at all.

Why not if you are entitled to it and have paid in over the years?

This wouldnt have anything to do with your fathers attitude to "scroungers" that you grew up with would it?

Dont know if you are familiar with Gingerbread. Its a charity that supports lone parents.

As this article on their website says, claiming isnt just about money week to week, it can make a big difference to entitlement to other things too.

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/benefits/benefits-checkers/

Worth running the numbers through, you may be pleasantly surprised.

My sister gets £30 a month maintenance; she told me she uses it to get herself a take away every month because it isn’t enough to pay for their son

But do you have a buffer if there was an emergency? Do you have any savings? Does your dd have any savings?

It seems ridiculous and short-sighted not to take up the financial help offered.

Spend it on what you want! As long as dd is well looked after, that’s all that matters. £160 is really not that much when you take into account all your additional expenses because you have a child - more rent as you’ll need a two bed house, water, gas, electric, petrol when taking dd to school, activities etc. Not to mention the possible cut back on your career( part time hours, unable to progress, taking time of work to look after dd when sick) which will have an impact on your income, but not his. In my view you’d be well within your rights to spend some of it on getting your nails done if you wanted! You look after dd a whole 26 days out of the month, whilst he does a measly 4 days. You deserve to be compensated for that alone.

OP, I'm struck by this:

I mentioned I was going shopping for food and dad asked where the money came from

Are you seriously living so close to the line that your dad (thinks he) knows you have nothing to buy food with until next week?

Because if that's true, then you're deluding yourself.

I mean, you need to claim what you're entitled to anyway (to take an example close to my own heart, if your daughter wanted to take up instrument lessons at school, not only would you have slightly more ability to afford it, but if you were eligible for FSM she might get a discount); but constantly playing catch-up around payday is not the way to live.