Am I expected to spend maintenance on only DD?

[CMonFoodandTreats]

DD is 9, and I split from her dad just before her 3rd birthday so almost 7 years ago now.

He pays me £160 a month maintenance.

I use it to buy food for both of us plus treats, I do the shopping fortnightly so £80 a fortnight. So I’ve bought myself some icecream, biscuits and my favourite wine and DD chose some biscuits, some chocolate bars and her favourite fizzy orange pop with hers. Some weeks we don’t spend anything on treats as we have them so I save it and it rolls over to the next fortnight.

I don’t buy these treats until all fruit, vegetables, meat, fish and any ingredients for meals have been either purchased or budgeted for from that money and use whatevers left to buy the treats (I prefer to buy certain vegetables fresh the day of or day before I use it, yes I know it’s slightly more expensive that way).

I work PT, and ExH has DD for 24 hours a fortnight. Never gives her a proper meal – usually just cereal for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch – which I’m not bothered about, DDs contact with her dad is more important than a meal. But my job covers all other bills including phone bill and broadband. I am not in any debts and I don’t claim anything except Child Benefit as my wage plus CM is enough for us to live on.

My dad has just told me he thinks it’s wrong I spend maintenance on food/treats, that if it was the other way round I wouldn’t want DDs money being used to buy him treats. Actually I wouldn’t care, as long as DD is fed, clothed, had a roof over her head and got to do all compulsory school trips I really wouldn’t mind. She’s far from hard done by with me buying my own food and treats from “her” money. She never goes without, I’ve just spent over £200 on a residential with school and she’s going off on a camp with Scouts after Christmas.

She eats incredibly well, quite a balanced diet according to her paediatrician (she has a genetic condition) and she’s a healthy weight, a bit small for her age but that’s her condition and not what she’s being fed (according to Paeds, I have no idea how they can tell its condition related and not food related).

Dad says its wrong and I should be made to spend CM only on DD. And he thinks ExH would be angry if he found out it pays our food bill each month.

So I said I’d ask on here? So who is BU?

YANBU – You’re fine
YABU – You shouldn’t use it for food and it should only be spent on DD

I think.your Dad should MHOB! You are a grown woman and can spend your money as you wish. You and DD are a family unit.

You and your dad's are thinking of it wrong.

Imagine a bank account just for all your life expenses. Put the maintenance money in it and then match it. Does it cover everything from house insurance to food, travel expenses, school trips, uniforms, dentists, hair cuts etc et, etc?

Whatever you have left from your wages is yours, savings, play time whatever.

Your dad is one of those men who doesn't see how much a resident parent pays over and above maintenance levels of spend. You seem to have fallen into the same trap.

Don't let him do that to you.

The end result is the same though, you can just as easily say the £160 goes towards the mortgage, electric, and groceries. I don’t see how you can even really say the maintenance only goes on treats or specific things.

Stop viewing it that you use the CMS on those things. Budget in your mind that you're using the CMS on the rent, bills, DD clothes and trips, essential foods, clubs/childcare etc. the money you're using to buy yourself treats is then your money

Why on earth would you share your financial details with your dad 🤨 it’s none of his business. You’re ex ONLY pays £40 a week to support his child, in no way does this even begin to cover rent, food, clothes, school supplies, clubs etc.

Exactly this. I'm pretty sure that your rent, bills, food, and clothing/ activity costs for your DD are far more than what he pays.

Stop telling your dad everything

hes an idiot and it’s none of his business what you spend your money on.

It’s money that goes into the family pot. It’s for everything, towards bills, food, treats etc. Your dad is very wrong

Buy what you want.

I get my salary, Universal Credit, child benefit and child maintenance. I don't separate it all out. It all goes in the same pot, bills get paid, DS gets everything that he needs and I spend the rest on what I see fit.

It just goes into your household pot, it doesn’t get counted separately or spent on any specific thing.
Rent, bills, groceries, clothing, school costs, activities, savings, etc.

It isn’t a separate fund which you only spend on set expenses and go without elsewhere if you need it. It is to go towards living costs because you have a child to raise.

Your dad is just an idiot. I’m sorry, but he is just thick.

I agree with this Your dad isn't very bright. My sister used to get £5 a week from her ex from when her DD was born. At 6 weeks old he stopped it cause someone saw her buying a coke in a pub. Didn't see why he should be paying for her to 'drink'. Some people just don't get it. She paid for everything else!

Your dad is being silly. If your daughter has a full belly, roof over her head, clean clothes etc what does ot matter. The maintenance money provides for her. You shouldn't have to divvy up her portion of everything to justify every penny. Its £160 a month. I can't keep a cat for that. Actually my parents pet insurance is £100 per cat a month. Ultimately, your ex provided about £5.33 per day for your child.

Your Dad is a thicket.

This is silly . Presumably , your CM goes into a bank account where your income is . In this pooling of money, what's to say which £ went on clothing, which £ went on food, which on wine etc .

I'm not sure how your dad thinks it's reasonable to separate out exactly what the maintenance is spent on.

DD will need clothes, shoes, heat, water, a roof, food, light, travel, activities. I think £160 covers only some of that and your wage covers the rest. Who's to say it was the maintenance that paid for the treats?

£160 is his contribution to all of her costs, it all goes into one pot here.

Child maintenance is paid in arrears anyway (ex cms worker here) so I wouldn’t listen to your dad. It’s like a reimbursement for your bills. What a stupid thing for your dad to say.

I used to buy a bottle of wine with mine, I only got £5 a week & it made me feel like I was telling exh where to get off.

CM goes into the pot and pays for everything - if your dad thinks 160/month pays even half the expenses for a child (let alone the 90%+ it should be since dad only has her 1 day a fortnight) then he's living in another world. It barely touches the basics.

Sorry but your dad doesn't sound very bright. If you're spending the particular pot of 180 on treats and then 200 from elsewhere on a residential, you're still spending that and more on your child. Plus I'm assuming you feed and clothe her and pay her portion of the utility bills?! I bet £180 doesn't even scratch the surface...

It’s not just food, it also covers the electric, gas, water she uses, her clothes and all the rest

your dad is wrong

I think YABU to say you spend some of DDs money on treats for yourself. Surely the £160 just goes into the pot. I would hazard a guess that including dds share of all bills, food, school trips, friends trips etc, she costs more than £320 per month. You're just paying it out of your money really.

Im sorry your dad said that to you.

The money is to maintain the child, the child is maintained in your household and the money is part of your income.

Quite honestly £160.00 per month is ridiculously low. I receive much more each month and I would laugh if my ex or my dad felt they had any right to judge my purchases.

Carry on, you are in the right, enjoy the treats.
I would refuse to ever discuss this again with your father.
Although, if he’s round for a cup of tea, remember not to offend him by offering him a biscuit…

Oh no I pressed the wrong button voting.
You are not doing anything wrong.
That money is to cover all your costs in having DD -heating lighting,water,council tax,food,etc etc. Your dad is completely wrong.

Does your father have Numeracy difficulties?

It's the only way I can think that anybody would fail to comprehend that it doesn't matter whether £50 is spent on shoes out of your wages and then £50 on nails/hair comes out of the maintenance (I'm being deliberate in choosing those, as they seem to be the usual accusation) or £50 is spent from the maintenance and then you pay for your nails and hair out of your wages - it all goes in the pot.