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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I expected to spend maintenance on only DD?

154 replies

CMonFoodandTreats · 02/09/2023 14:59

DD is 9, and I split from her dad just before her 3rd birthday so almost 7 years ago now.

He pays me £160 a month maintenance.

I use it to buy food for both of us plus treats, I do the shopping fortnightly so £80 a fortnight. So I’ve bought myself some icecream, biscuits and my favourite wine and DD chose some biscuits, some chocolate bars and her favourite fizzy orange pop with hers. Some weeks we don’t spend anything on treats as we have them so I save it and it rolls over to the next fortnight.

I don’t buy these treats until all fruit, vegetables, meat, fish and any ingredients for meals have been either purchased or budgeted for from that money and use whatevers left to buy the treats (I prefer to buy certain vegetables fresh the day of or day before I use it, yes I know it’s slightly more expensive that way).

I work PT, and ExH has DD for 24 hours a fortnight. Never gives her a proper meal – usually just cereal for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch – which I’m not bothered about, DDs contact with her dad is more important than a meal. But my job covers all other bills including phone bill and broadband. I am not in any debts and I don’t claim anything except Child Benefit as my wage plus CM is enough for us to live on.

My dad has just told me he thinks it’s wrong I spend maintenance on food/treats, that if it was the other way round I wouldn’t want DDs money being used to buy him treats. Actually I wouldn’t care, as long as DD is fed, clothed, had a roof over her head and got to do all compulsory school trips I really wouldn’t mind. She’s far from hard done by with me buying my own food and treats from “her” money. She never goes without, I’ve just spent over £200 on a residential with school and she’s going off on a camp with Scouts after Christmas.

She eats incredibly well, quite a balanced diet according to her paediatrician (she has a genetic condition) and she’s a healthy weight, a bit small for her age but that’s her condition and not what she’s being fed (according to Paeds, I have no idea how they can tell its condition related and not food related).

Dad says its wrong and I should be made to spend CM only on DD. And he thinks ExH would be angry if he found out it pays our food bill each month.

So I said I’d ask on here? So who is BU?

YANBU – You’re fine
YABU – You shouldn’t use it for food and it should only be spent on DD

OP posts:
SavBlancTonight · 02/09/2023 16:59

This makes me so angry. How dare your dad. Is he one of those men that think a man should not have to pay towards his child if the mother dares to go on holiday, ger her hair done or pop to the pub?!

If you work out what dd costs in terms of "her' share of rent, food, electricity, water, council tax etc plus specific costs like clothes, uniform, toys, bedding, childcare etc... I can guarantee that's a lot more than 160.

Ffs- he contributes a measly £160 per month.

00100001 · 02/09/2023 17:03

Your dad is a dickhead. Ask him if he wouldlike to top up the household income tomake up the shortfall, as DD costs more than £320pcm to house, feed, cloth and live!

Chippy4me · 02/09/2023 17:06

Unless you’re paying with cash then I don’t see how you know if it’s your money or the money from him.

You’re basically buying the treats with your and money and his money is being used for utilities, school lunches, uniform etc.

Just because it’s with his actual money, doesn’t mean he’s actually paying for it as you pay for everything for the rest of the month.

HighywayToHell · 02/09/2023 17:07

You should “made” to spend the money on DD, who is going to make you?

liveforsummer · 02/09/2023 17:08

I've no idea exactly what I spend that specific money on. It goes in the pot and gets spent along with any other income. I'm sore you could change the wording so that it's spent on dc and your money is buying your treats

Baconking · 02/09/2023 17:11

To be fair to OP's dad the way she's explained the spending of cm is very odd.

OP you're not spending it on treats it's part of your income for all expenditure in the month and I'm sure wouldn't even cover 1/4 of all your bills

Justgorgeous · 02/09/2023 17:25

It all goes in the same pot.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 02/09/2023 17:25

Where does your dad think the money comes from to put a roof over your DD's head (plus associated bills)? Just because you can afford all of that without the maintenance doesn't absolve your DD's dad from his responsibility to contribute towards the cost of his daughter's upbringing.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/09/2023 17:27

00100001 · 02/09/2023 17:03

Your dad is a dickhead. Ask him if he wouldlike to top up the household income tomake up the shortfall, as DD costs more than £320pcm to house, feed, cloth and live!

Yes exactly. I’d be asking the same and also tot up exactly how much it costs to feed, clothe and house (incl utilities) as well as treats / trips out, childcare, hobbies, petrol taking her to and from, play dates, holidays, include say £200 for presents etc then divide the figure by two. Then you’ll have a figure to present to your father.

Testina · 02/09/2023 17:28

It’s got nothing to do with your dad. You could spend the entire amount on gigolos for yourself if you want, as long as your child isn’t going without. It’s just money that goes into your household. Look, you’re old enough to have a child - you’re old enough to know it’s none of your dad’s business without asking on here, surely? And telling us you said you’d ask on here… please tell me you’re not showing this to him? You don’t need to justify your decision.

CremeEggThief · 02/09/2023 17:28

YANBU but I do think YABU to not stand up to your own dad a bit more, to be honest. He doesn't have the right to share these silly opinions with you.

Hankunamatata · 02/09/2023 17:29

Why are u discussing this with your dad?

Testina · 02/09/2023 17:30

”So I said I’d ask on here? So who is BU?”

If you are planning to share our views, my guess is that with a 94% vote against him, he’ll write us off as man hating harpies with a biased vote 🤣 I sense the misogyny is strong in this one 😉

Rewis · 02/09/2023 17:31

Maintenance is for maintenance. Meaning housing, utilities, hobbies, food, clothing etc. I'm sure the £160/mo is spend on her. If you were alone you could live in a shared flat, now you need bedrooms! That's where the maintenance comes in

Guiltridden12345 · 02/09/2023 17:32

CMonFoodandTreats · 02/09/2023 14:59

DD is 9, and I split from her dad just before her 3rd birthday so almost 7 years ago now.

He pays me £160 a month maintenance.

I use it to buy food for both of us plus treats, I do the shopping fortnightly so £80 a fortnight. So I’ve bought myself some icecream, biscuits and my favourite wine and DD chose some biscuits, some chocolate bars and her favourite fizzy orange pop with hers. Some weeks we don’t spend anything on treats as we have them so I save it and it rolls over to the next fortnight.

I don’t buy these treats until all fruit, vegetables, meat, fish and any ingredients for meals have been either purchased or budgeted for from that money and use whatevers left to buy the treats (I prefer to buy certain vegetables fresh the day of or day before I use it, yes I know it’s slightly more expensive that way).

I work PT, and ExH has DD for 24 hours a fortnight. Never gives her a proper meal – usually just cereal for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch – which I’m not bothered about, DDs contact with her dad is more important than a meal. But my job covers all other bills including phone bill and broadband. I am not in any debts and I don’t claim anything except Child Benefit as my wage plus CM is enough for us to live on.

My dad has just told me he thinks it’s wrong I spend maintenance on food/treats, that if it was the other way round I wouldn’t want DDs money being used to buy him treats. Actually I wouldn’t care, as long as DD is fed, clothed, had a roof over her head and got to do all compulsory school trips I really wouldn’t mind. She’s far from hard done by with me buying my own food and treats from “her” money. She never goes without, I’ve just spent over £200 on a residential with school and she’s going off on a camp with Scouts after Christmas.

She eats incredibly well, quite a balanced diet according to her paediatrician (she has a genetic condition) and she’s a healthy weight, a bit small for her age but that’s her condition and not what she’s being fed (according to Paeds, I have no idea how they can tell its condition related and not food related).

Dad says its wrong and I should be made to spend CM only on DD. And he thinks ExH would be angry if he found out it pays our food bill each month.

So I said I’d ask on here? So who is BU?

YANBU – You’re fine
YABU – You shouldn’t use it for food and it should only be spent on DD

Crikey, with dads like that, who needs enemies? (My dad also a bit of a twat).

its a ridiculous argument, which doesn’t take into account mortgage/rent/bills/clothes/hobbies/travel/uniform/shoes and all the gazillion other things kids need. The maintenance goes in a pot, paying a share of your daughters general upkeep, it’s not paying for ‘treats’, it’s a paltry amount if you calculate the overall cost of having kids.

Shame on your dad. He sounds like a dick.

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2023 17:32

My ex pays £400 maintenance and goes halves on other things if I ask (eg school uniform or expensive school trips).

He's never asked how I spend it. It goes into the pot and gets spent as my money does.

Ignore your dad.

Yalta · 02/09/2023 17:33

Tell your father that if the £160 per month is just for spending on dd then your ex needs to pay more money as it costs a lot more to house dd, feed her, clothe her, transport her to and from school, the heating and extra hot water costs as well as any activities and treats she gets.
The fact you can afford treats for her and yourself isn’t because your ex pays £5.27 per day for his dds upkeep but because you work and keep to a budget.

I would say it costs a lot more than £160 per month on mortgage or rent costs to have a 2 bedroom place instead of 1 bedroom place.

Tell your df that the £160 per month goes on the extra rent or mortgage repayments to house his dgc

I think you would be better when you speak to him to reframe where the £5.27 per day you get as CM gets spent on, E.g. the roof over her head, her food etc treats are what you buy from your own money.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 02/09/2023 17:33

Your Dad is a dim bulb frankly

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 02/09/2023 17:33

Your dad's probably of the opinion that men shouldn't have to pay at all and single mums are leeches.....aside from that. Yanbu, and don't discuss your private affairs with the idiot again.

FOJN · 02/09/2023 17:35

I thought CMS was a contribution towards ALL the expenses associated with raising a child, food, clothes, housing, energy, activities, transport etc.

Tell your dad to mind his own business. How you budget is up to you. Does he really expect you to calculate which expenses are yours and which are your daughter's and pay out of a separate account?

Yalta · 02/09/2023 17:37

Dad says its wrong and I should be made to spend CM only on DD. And he thinks ExH would be angry if he found out it pays our food bill each month

Surely your monthly food shop contains your dds food as well

What exactly does your father think that child maintenance should be spent on if not maintaining your child

HollaHolla · 02/09/2023 17:41

That small amount goes towards a roof over her head, electric, gas, WiFi, clothes, shoes, etc. Now, you can see what a good deal your ex is getting for his £160 pcm.

MonikerBing · 02/09/2023 17:42

Your dad's being ridiculous. I'm pretty sure that it costs a whole lot more than £320 a month to house, feed and clothe your dd. The CM goes into the whole pot, so you aren't using it to buy yourself treats.

Medusaismyhero · 02/09/2023 17:43

I used to get a petty little kick out of deliberately spending the shitty £8 and change per week my ex paid for DD on a bottle of wine for myself. Obviously this was after I'd spent substantial sums of my hard earned money on giving her everything she needed (and then some). YANBU.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 02/09/2023 17:45

Jesus he's being silly.

Just tell him the the cm is paying for daughters treats, bath water, toilet flushes, electricity etc

And your wages are paying for yours.

Can he not see that your income - from all streams - goes into the same end point, both of you living.

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