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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I expected to spend maintenance on only DD?

154 replies

CMonFoodandTreats · 02/09/2023 14:59

DD is 9, and I split from her dad just before her 3rd birthday so almost 7 years ago now.

He pays me £160 a month maintenance.

I use it to buy food for both of us plus treats, I do the shopping fortnightly so £80 a fortnight. So I’ve bought myself some icecream, biscuits and my favourite wine and DD chose some biscuits, some chocolate bars and her favourite fizzy orange pop with hers. Some weeks we don’t spend anything on treats as we have them so I save it and it rolls over to the next fortnight.

I don’t buy these treats until all fruit, vegetables, meat, fish and any ingredients for meals have been either purchased or budgeted for from that money and use whatevers left to buy the treats (I prefer to buy certain vegetables fresh the day of or day before I use it, yes I know it’s slightly more expensive that way).

I work PT, and ExH has DD for 24 hours a fortnight. Never gives her a proper meal – usually just cereal for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch – which I’m not bothered about, DDs contact with her dad is more important than a meal. But my job covers all other bills including phone bill and broadband. I am not in any debts and I don’t claim anything except Child Benefit as my wage plus CM is enough for us to live on.

My dad has just told me he thinks it’s wrong I spend maintenance on food/treats, that if it was the other way round I wouldn’t want DDs money being used to buy him treats. Actually I wouldn’t care, as long as DD is fed, clothed, had a roof over her head and got to do all compulsory school trips I really wouldn’t mind. She’s far from hard done by with me buying my own food and treats from “her” money. She never goes without, I’ve just spent over £200 on a residential with school and she’s going off on a camp with Scouts after Christmas.

She eats incredibly well, quite a balanced diet according to her paediatrician (she has a genetic condition) and she’s a healthy weight, a bit small for her age but that’s her condition and not what she’s being fed (according to Paeds, I have no idea how they can tell its condition related and not food related).

Dad says its wrong and I should be made to spend CM only on DD. And he thinks ExH would be angry if he found out it pays our food bill each month.

So I said I’d ask on here? So who is BU?

YANBU – You’re fine
YABU – You shouldn’t use it for food and it should only be spent on DD

OP posts:
Witchbitch20 · 02/09/2023 15:11

Nod and smile.

How does he even know?

lostparcel · 02/09/2023 15:12

It's up to you how you spend it. Mine mostly was used in my mortgage as ex left me in a terrible financial position and that's the only way I could keep a roof over her head. Looking after a home and a child costs much more than your ex is paying. It's not about the money all going towards your child it's about all the other things that add up, food, bills, heating, mortgage, rent, petrol, car expenses, days out, etc. all of these are used to bring up a child.

Ignore your Dad.

Mummumgem · 02/09/2023 15:13

It’s just the way you budget your money, if you told people you spend £80 a month on her food and the other 80 on other bill’s/expenses no one would question it. It’s just an easier way you have found to manage it all.

NoSquirrels · 02/09/2023 15:13

Ludicrous.

Kids need feeding, housing, clothing, and entertaining. All that costs more than £160 a month.

It’s completely irrelevant if you use the ‘CM £160’ or ‘your’ £160 to buy food and treats. It’s all in the same pot - the household spending pot.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/09/2023 15:14

Your dad isn't very bright.

It doesn't matter what pound is spent where. You are feeding her, housing her, clothing her. £160 per month goes no where near how much she costs.

Pleaseme · 02/09/2023 15:15

Your child costs money all the time. Food, drink, rent/ mortgage, electricity / gas. School uniform/ school trips, birthdays, activities, new shoes etc. Why would you create an accountancy nightmare trying to work out the additional cost for a dc and then reimburse yourself his half?

My ex used to give me £600 a month. I don’t get maintenance anymore as we’ve switched to 50/50. I’m genuinely better off as dc cost a fortune!

Ladyinbleu · 02/09/2023 15:15

Like others have said, it’s just money in your budget towards the cost of raising your child. If you buy yourself a nice bottle of wine or pack of biscuits from your overall total budget, that’s fine.

I get 500/month child maintenance for two children. Exdh doesn’t get (or want) a breakdown of where it goes. It is swallowed up in childcare, swimming lessons, keeping a roof over their head, putting fuel in my car to drive them to school etc etc

Neverinamonthofsundays · 02/09/2023 15:15

Stop talking to your dad about your finances!

GrannypantsMagee · 02/09/2023 15:16

On which planet do you spend that particular £160 out of your budget on treats?

NoSquirrels · 02/09/2023 15:17

he thinks ExH would be angry if he found out it pays our food bill each month

Any father that would be angry their child is getting fed … I mean, I don’t even know how to say anything to that!

Cowlover89 · 02/09/2023 15:18

YANBU

sparkleshin · 02/09/2023 15:18

you know what, you're paying bills, rent, clothes shoes etc, so dont worry about it

MintJulia · 02/09/2023 15:18

If you think about it, all your daughter's costs should be shared so he should be paying 1/4 of your water bill, a 1/4 of your electricity bill, a quarter of the interest on the part of the mortgage that pays for her bedroom.
He should pay 1/2 of all her clothes, shoes, uniform, travel, activities, and any childcare or babysitting.

Does he???? No, thought not!!! So tell him all the money goes to cover his share of her costs, and doesn't even come close.

Then tell him to get stuffed. Ugh Men !!! Honestly

Lonecatwithkitten · 02/09/2023 15:19

£160 goes into your budget, it helps keep a roof over your heads, food on the table, heat and hot water and sometimes there are treats.

If it was just you you could have little 1 bed place cheaper to run cheaper to heat.

Radiodread · 02/09/2023 15:21

Why is your father not angry that your useless dropkick ex only sees his child one night in 14, doesn’t feed her, and pays you such a tiny amount for her upkeep?

he sounds like has some fucked up ideas.

caringcarer · 02/09/2023 15:22

None of your Dad's business. Don't tell him what you spend DD maintenance on. If he asks again just say DD. Your DD is not going without things. That is all that matters.

anon2022anon · 02/09/2023 15:24

My stupid ex tried telling me something similar on one of the rare times he was paying maintenance. I responded by sending him a picture of a pair of new high heels (for me, not DD!) and told him thanks for buying me them. But I'm argumentative like that.

Add up how much you spend on DD a month. Food, school dinners, clothes, bills, fun stuff. Does it come to over £320 a month on average. Her dad's paying for half of that, and he's got it cheap if all your bills are included from your work.

anon2022anon · 02/09/2023 15:25

Oh, and if you qualify for UC, you should claim it.

WorkSmarter · 02/09/2023 15:26

Omg your dad is clueless and needs to butt out! Why is he trying to pile the guilt on you when you have your child most of the time? Is he on the other side? He is literally an imbecile. You sound like you are doing an excellent job. Keep doing it how you are doing and tell your dad to "shut up, you don't know what you are talking about". Smile

FriendsDrinkBook · 02/09/2023 15:28

I used to spend any cm I got on our annual holiday , my wages were used to pay for the kids uniforms , food , pocket money , trips etc. It's not as literal as your dad is making it , as it all comes out of the same pot and the children don't go without.

Mumof4plusbonus · 02/09/2023 15:28

It’s just how you allocate your money. As long as you spend £160 or more on dd a month (including household bills) which I assume you do and way more than, then he isn’t paying for your treats, it’s just how you budget.
If your dd wasn’t getting fed, clothes etc and you were spending it on yourself then that would be different but that’s obviously not what’s happening.

90yomakeuproom · 02/09/2023 15:31

It's just money in a pot, kinda doesn't matter what it goes on. Just tell your dad you agree and from now on it'll go on just her food, clothes, school trips etc. Doesn't really make a difference.

ehupo7 · 02/09/2023 15:32

This is just silly – essentially it all goes into a pot.

You’re paying for your daughter to eat vegetables and fruit, you’re also doing the childcare, and paying for literally everything else that goes towards her care - clothed, toothbrushes, travel, rent/mortgage.

Your ex is making a small contribution towards that.

How do you differentiate between the maintenance money and other money? Ask for marked notes from the bank?

If you could somehow spend the maintenance money only on vegetables and practical items for daughter, and only money from elsewhere on wine and snacks for you – what actual difference does it make to anything?

This comment from your Dad would only be relevant if you were buying stuff for yourself at the expense of stuff for your daughter. (E.g. your daughter goes without vegetables because you had a bottle of wine)

The only reason you are treating it as ‘treat’ pocket money is because it’s such a tiny amount as to be trivial. I’m sure it’s completely eclipsed by what you contribute.

Maddy70 · 02/09/2023 15:32

The maintenance I'd to provide for our daughter. But you're already doing that. Heating, lighting , food etc.

Ignore your dad.

BTW what's wrong with cereal for breakfast and a sandwich at lunch?

namechange55465 · 02/09/2023 15:33

MintJulia · 02/09/2023 15:18

If you think about it, all your daughter's costs should be shared so he should be paying 1/4 of your water bill, a 1/4 of your electricity bill, a quarter of the interest on the part of the mortgage that pays for her bedroom.
He should pay 1/2 of all her clothes, shoes, uniform, travel, activities, and any childcare or babysitting.

Does he???? No, thought not!!! So tell him all the money goes to cover his share of her costs, and doesn't even come close.

Then tell him to get stuffed. Ugh Men !!! Honestly

It's not the child's dad that has a problem with this (as far as OP knows), it's the child's grandfather.

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