Am I expected to spend maintenance on only DD?

[CMonFoodandTreats]

DD is 9, and I split from her dad just before her 3rd birthday so almost 7 years ago now.

He pays me £160 a month maintenance.

I use it to buy food for both of us plus treats, I do the shopping fortnightly so £80 a fortnight. So I’ve bought myself some icecream, biscuits and my favourite wine and DD chose some biscuits, some chocolate bars and her favourite fizzy orange pop with hers. Some weeks we don’t spend anything on treats as we have them so I save it and it rolls over to the next fortnight.

I don’t buy these treats until all fruit, vegetables, meat, fish and any ingredients for meals have been either purchased or budgeted for from that money and use whatevers left to buy the treats (I prefer to buy certain vegetables fresh the day of or day before I use it, yes I know it’s slightly more expensive that way).

I work PT, and ExH has DD for 24 hours a fortnight. Never gives her a proper meal – usually just cereal for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch – which I’m not bothered about, DDs contact with her dad is more important than a meal. But my job covers all other bills including phone bill and broadband. I am not in any debts and I don’t claim anything except Child Benefit as my wage plus CM is enough for us to live on.

My dad has just told me he thinks it’s wrong I spend maintenance on food/treats, that if it was the other way round I wouldn’t want DDs money being used to buy him treats. Actually I wouldn’t care, as long as DD is fed, clothed, had a roof over her head and got to do all compulsory school trips I really wouldn’t mind. She’s far from hard done by with me buying my own food and treats from “her” money. She never goes without, I’ve just spent over £200 on a residential with school and she’s going off on a camp with Scouts after Christmas.

She eats incredibly well, quite a balanced diet according to her paediatrician (she has a genetic condition) and she’s a healthy weight, a bit small for her age but that’s her condition and not what she’s being fed (according to Paeds, I have no idea how they can tell its condition related and not food related).

Dad says its wrong and I should be made to spend CM only on DD. And he thinks ExH would be angry if he found out it pays our food bill each month.

So I said I’d ask on here? So who is BU?

YANBU – You’re fine
YABU – You shouldn’t use it for food and it should only be spent on DD

It all goes into the same pot and is divided up amongst your bills and essential spending so what difference does it make which cash you specifically use for what. Your dad is being ridiculous

This acctually makes me furious with your dad - how fucking dare he. You must certainly spend way way over 160 a month on your daughter and what your ex pays is a disgusting pittance. Why the fuck isn't your concerned about that?

I assume OP just means he never feeds her a hot dinner. So picks her up after teatime one day and then drops her off before teatime the next. So she bears 99 percent of the cost of feeding the child.

Tell your dad you will swap to spent the £160 on part of your rent or mortgage and use your own £160 to get treats.

Maintenance is just part of the household budget, contributing to food, shelter and clothing for your dd.

Totally - why is he sticking his oar in just to criticise OP!?

What does it have to do with your dad?

That £40 a week is towards your daughters upbringing, clothes, shoes, school supplies, school trips, food, heating the home, and treats!
Your dad needs to give his head a wobble.

Do you mean that you spend £80 a fortnight on treats or £80 a fortnight on food inc treats? One amount seems too much for treats, one too little for food.

The money should be spent on food for your daughter, clothing, clubs, heating, bills, having an extra bedroom, transport costs and if anything left over, which I would be surprised, then I would put it in a savings account. I don't think that you can be expected to untangle it all, so am confused as to how you think that you are using his contribution specifically towards food treats rather than everything else.

Are your parents divorced and your dad is bitter about having had to pay your mum child maintenance?

Your finances are nothing to do with your dad, don't tell him anything about them in future. If she starts trying to dictate again, you tell him that your budget is your own business, none of his and to butt out.

Absolutely fine. Enjoy 🍷

Fine. Put it into the mortgage or rent, which houses her, and take money out of that 'pot' for food shopping. Your dad is being ridiculous.

It's none of your dads business but he sounds like a knob-head anyway to even say that to you. YADefNBU

1. How/why does you dad know how much maintenance you get?
2. How/why does you dad know so much about your grocery shopping? Down to ice cream?
3. What's it all got to do with your dad?
4. Does your dad not like you?

My dad has just told me he thinks it’s wrong I spend maintenance on food/treats

But you don't- you spend it on feeding her, clothing her, keeping a roof over her head, and activities for her including school residential. Plus presumably also petrol to take her to places, travel insurance to cover her if you take her away, etc etc.

Presumably you also pay for the roof over her head and all the bills, some form of transport, clothes, shoes, Christmas gifts, toys, TV, Internet and so on. I would imagine that comes to more than you get each week. Ignore your Dad.

Your dad is an absolute bell end. You get £40 to cover mortgage/rent, utilities, WiFi, clothes, transport, food, school uniform and supplies, hobbies, books, birthday and Christmas presents, days out etc. it’s nothing.

It’s not that clear cut is it, as others have said your housing requirements, utilities, transport etc are all increased due to your dd so it goes in the general pot

Your dad is an idiot . CM is to pay for the upkeep of the child and frankly £160 doesn’t even come close to being half of your child’s costs when you consider housing , utilities , clothing and food . Keep your financial business to yourself .

160 is not enough to pay 50% of a childs shelter, warmth, clothing, food, schooling costs etc. Your dad is plain wrong.

As others have said I'm sure factoring in ALL the costs that you spend a LOT more than £160 a month on her.
Even if you didn't, so long as your daughter is safe and well in your care and you're not asking your dad for any money then how you choose to budget your money is none of his business.

You need to set some firm boundaries with your dad. YOU decide how best to spend your CM. As usual, her dad is doing well out the deal. You no doubt spend WAY more than he does on your daughter. In your shoes, I'd be asking why your dad is not being more supportive.

Yes maintenance should be spent on your daughter but it is the way you are describing the spending to your dad that is the problem rather than what you are actually doing. So say you half it and that is her grocery and treat money but then say half the money goes towards day to day bills transport etc. And then you have freed up the same sum from your own funds to spend on groceries and treats for you. The end result is the same but you'll get less judgement although it is not your dad's business.

My ex who pays the maintenance and his father were always the same like he used to give £20 a week and didn't understand how only food shopping just for my son was £80 a months basically and that I was using this massive wedge of money for myself honestly if I said can you bring it forward a day or 2 as we won't be home on specific day we're away for 4 days just an example he'd go mad that if we're away ds would need less food at home ib the cupboards so he didn't have to pay for that week and his dad also would give me an earful all the time it's such a strange mentality.

In my eyes, I was a single parent and any monies that came to my bank account all went in the same pot it was all to clothe, feed, house, support & anything else for my child and if I had to eat then guess what I eat you know like I also live in the same house and spend a he'll of a lot more than £20 a week to keep my child alive and fed and hiused and clean and clothed and in clean clothes and having hobbies and anything else. Just that his money when he could be bothered to transfer it went in weekly which was nice on the approach to my monthly pay day.

Anywayyyy after so long of being told what a money grabber I am ect I decided to let CMS deal with it and he now pays £420pm and as a deduction of earnings unfortunately for him.

You just do you!! Spend money that goes into YOUR pot how YOU wish. Xx

This here. You aren't 'spending the £160 a month maintenance on treats for you and DD' - you're spending it on the day-to-day costs of supporting your DD in her home. The extra comes out of YOUR money and you spend it as you wish.

It’s just money. You aren’t really only spending it on food. Even if you budget by putting the maintenance in your grocery category, that is freeing up your earnings to buy necessities for your child in other categories.