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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it’s antisocial not to drink alcohol.

138 replies

Cutesycurtsy · 02/09/2023 12:08

I really want to give up alcohol. I have great fun when I have a few drinks, and know that my life will be more boring without it and I’ll be a lot less fun. However, alcohol causes me so much anxiety the following day. I also get memory loss even from maybe 3 glasses of wine and that just causes the terrible anxiety.

My worry is that people won’t want to socialise with me if I give up drinking and that people will think I’m boring. Ultimately, I won’t allow this to affect my decision, because I know that I shouldn’t feel pressured into drinking alcohol. But it is a concern for me.

AIBU to think that people will think I’m unsociable if I go tee-total?

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 02/09/2023 13:37

@IdleAnimations

I feel Britain has a systemic issue with alcohol, our events often revolve around it without us realising. You notice this once your T total!

This is true and alcohol is very embedded in British culture.

I do think it’s changing though in some circles. It used to be that if you didn’t drink in certain environments people would assume you were ill or pregnant or deliberately antisocial and preachy.

Thats probably still true in some quite blokey cultures and there’s still a lot of “wine o’clock” etc but it’s definitely more acceptable to not drink than it was.

LuisaF · 02/09/2023 13:42

I stopped drinking age 34 for similar reasons to you. I decided to do a dry January but then just kept going. I joined One Year No Beer and that was a hugely supportive group. Having a challenge helped to explain why i was doing it.

i do think youll lose friends along the way, i have but honestly they were friends who just wanted someone to drink with, to justify their ok to drink. When you stop drinking, so many friends get upset as it almost shines a light on them and their drinking. You realise who your actual friends are

do it. I feel great. Im 6 years on now. Would never go back

LondonJax · 02/09/2023 13:43

I never drank in my late teens/early twenties. Didn't like the taste. I now have the odd glass of wine, because I enjoy it, but usually have one then onto non-alcoholic.

The only person I have had any sort of issue with was a person who was set up for me on a blind date. I went out with them along with the couple who'd set me up. I was about 18 years old. I asked for a diet cola and got a rum and coke with the words along the line of 'go on, live a little'. I just got up, bought my own cola and left his rum and coke offering to go warm on the table.

Surprisingly he still asked me out on a second date, unsurprisingly I said no.

Not interested in a bloke who assumed I couldn't make my own decisions even at that age. The couple who'd set me up went cold as they thought I'd been 'rude', ignoring completely the fact that he'd been rude changing my drink order. But this was 42 years ago - never seen them since and miss them not a jot.

So you may have a few people who make a comment, but they're lemmings and not worth the breath you have to take to explain yourself.

If you want a soft drink (or a salad in a restaurant or not a coffee because of the caffeine in a cafe or whatever) that's your right and friends won't even notice.

BlackForestCake · 02/09/2023 13:44

Unless you are someone who can’t stop once you start, who says you have to go teetotal? Have one glass of wine and then switch to fizzy water. There is a middle ground.

PrueRamsay · 02/09/2023 13:45

20% of British people don’t drink alcohol.

Younger people (18-25) are far less likely (27%) to drink than older people (over 50) where only 15% of them don’t drink.

So by quitting, you will be trendy and down with the kids 😂

Honestly OP, it’s no big deal, it’s just what liquid you have in your glass. Anyone who is offended/pushy/annoyed about you quitting alcohol is a fucking idiot. Would they be pushing fags on you if you quit smoking?

Floralnomad · 02/09/2023 13:45

I’ve been a non drinker since I was 19 , it’s never been an issue for me . If you have friends that think you are boring and no fun because you don’t want to drink then you need new friends .

MrsAvocet · 02/09/2023 13:45

You are right, some people will think you are boring or antisocial, but they are the unreasonable ones and at least some of them probably should examine their own relationship with alcohol.

KnittedCardi · 02/09/2023 13:46

I get invited everywhere because I don't drink, and never really have. I do all the driving. Makes you very popular 😂

MichaelAndersen · 02/09/2023 13:47

Anyone would doesn’t want to socialise with you because you’re not drinking is the unreasonable one.

Irridescantshimmmer · 02/09/2023 13:47

I understand that people can be under quite an enormous amount of pressure to drink alcohol if they choose for what ever reason to give up. I've been told some pretty bad examples in the past which have happened to other people, its like some people try to heavily persuade others against giving up.

From what I understand, it is almost socially unacceptable to choose not to drink.

It can't be right, people should respect other peoples' wishes.

MeetMyCat · 02/09/2023 13:54

It’s a strange one - if you don’t smoke and don’t do drugs, then that’s commendable but some people get almost offended if you don’t drink alcohol! Makes no sense.

Do as you please OP; I would still be your friend!

mummymeister · 02/09/2023 13:55

I am old and I recently discovered alcohol free beer which is an absolute game changer to me as an enforced tee totaller (liver issues) . Taste fantastic, only 60 ish calories, looks like you have a drink and no one else knows so no judgement. I miss not being able to have a drink but the consequences are so awful its just the way it is. no one has ever queried this and I am always up for a good time without the use of any stimulants.

Nicole1111 · 02/09/2023 13:57

The only thing I’ve lost since going sober was the ability to have fun on a shit night out. That just means I now make sure all my nights out are definitely going to be fun. All the gains outweigh that 1 loss

Blueblell · 02/09/2023 13:59

I gave up some years ago and did meet with some resistance from one or two friends who were heavy drinkers. If I were to do it again I wouldn’t tell people I was giving up it, I mean I wouldn’t make a big proclamation as I did! I would just go out and order something else and just go with it.

SpacePotato · 02/09/2023 14:01

If you think you'd be boring and less sociable without the shield of alcohol, I'd say you must have low self esteem.

Solitaryasanoyster · 02/09/2023 14:03

Going sober is like holding up a mirror to all of your friends.
It highlights THEIR issues with drink and some don’t like it.
Yes, some may call you antisocial but please remember that these comments are more of a reflection on their relationship with alcohol and has nothing to do with your choice to not drink.
Having lost a parent to drink and being completely teetotal myself, I say DO IT and never look back.

Cornettoninja · 02/09/2023 14:06

Nicole1111 · 02/09/2023 13:57

The only thing I’ve lost since going sober was the ability to have fun on a shit night out. That just means I now make sure all my nights out are definitely going to be fun. All the gains outweigh that 1 loss

This is a good point, you will probably find you want more than just sitting around in a circle with only each other to stare at.

alternatively you could just tell people you’re not drinking because it fucks up the buzz you have from the spliff you smoked before you came out.

Legomania · 02/09/2023 14:06

The truth is that if you are drinking around sober people, some of them will watch and judge (as evident upthread) and that's obviously not relaxing.
I say this as a very light drinker.

Vegetus · 02/09/2023 14:09

The only people who ever have a problem with non drinkers are usually deeply unhappy in my experience and use alcohol as a crutch.

BelCantox · 02/09/2023 14:13

DH is '99% sober,' so more or less tee total, but has maybe one glass of Champagne twice a year. We used to drink loads of lovely wines together and I miss that - comparing notes and stuff - but I'm SO much happier for him that he's stopped drinking. He's fab company when everyone else is drinking, not boring at all, and the same whether drinking or not.

A friend also went booze-free and she was really different socially - our evenings together I suppose felt 'flatter' somehow, but mainly because she kept insisting that she was exactly the same, but she wasn't. She wasn't boring, no one judged her, none of us are heavy drinkers anyway and it was all still very pleasant, but she was different company socially. I guess many people would be - booze does make a difference to how people socialise in many cases.

I agree with pp - don't make an announcement and say you're 'giving up alcohol.' Just order non-alcoholic next time and move forward.

EveSix · 02/09/2023 14:15

Giving up alcohol will give you a definite edge ‐ho for it! You will have lucidity, energy and an overview which you lack with alcohol. As long as you genuinely enjoy the company of your friends, whether they're drunk or sober, it shouldn't make a difference.
I haven't drunk for my whole adult life and it's worked out very well for me. I had a very misspent youth, and was done with alcohol and recreational drugs by the time I was 21. I've partied a lot since, but just love sobriety and my own lucid mind more than intoxication of any kind.

BellaBellla · 02/09/2023 14:16

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/09/2023 13:37

@IdleAnimations

I feel Britain has a systemic issue with alcohol, our events often revolve around it without us realising. You notice this once your T total!

This is true and alcohol is very embedded in British culture.

I do think it’s changing though in some circles. It used to be that if you didn’t drink in certain environments people would assume you were ill or pregnant or deliberately antisocial and preachy.

Thats probably still true in some quite blokey cultures and there’s still a lot of “wine o’clock” etc but it’s definitely more acceptable to not drink than it was.

I think this is true. I live in city well known for being a big drinking city, but I've noticed on work nights out for example that younger colleagues are a lot more comfortable than my age group were for just having soft drinks (more comfortable in their own decision not to drink and also drinkers not commenting or pressurising those who aren't drinking). I think there's a shift in attitudes towards booze and my kids' generation are generally drinking less, which I think is quite encouraging.

Kittensat36 · 02/09/2023 14:23

I'm 14 months into being sober - going from a glass in each hand kinda woman. TBH the two friends I worried most about actually turned out to be most supportive.

Only once have I had an issue. At the theatre, a friend offered to buy me a drink and when I said Coke, cos I am not drinking he said I was boring. I said "wait, I wrote, directed and acted in the play you just watched and you think I am boring?"

Just be confident in your statement that you don't. The Doubting Thomases will only lean on you if you look like you might waver.

Good luck

MsMartini · 02/09/2023 14:26

I've sort of accidentally given up booze (in recent years was fairly light anyway) and agree with pp.

I enjoy myself just as much and feel happier, more energetic, clearer-headed, more confident and calmer. If my friends aren't happy for me that I feel like that then they are not friends.

Yes to the only thing you lose is the ability to enjoy or at least tolerate stuff that isn't fun anyway. I tend to head home early when other people start becoming bores or whatever.

Alcohol free beers a total game change. Loads of variety, they taste good, refreshing and grown up, and don't draw attention to not drinking.

I also exercise a lot (and love it) and the only negative reactions I have had to not drinking have been similar to some people's to my exercise habit - it says a lot more about them than about me. I smile and wave, no skin off my nose.

MindTheAbyss · 02/09/2023 14:28

I’m mid-40s and stopped drinking more than a decade ago. It seemed like a huge thing at the time and I had the same worries as you, but now I don’t give it a second thought. The UK’s drinking culture used to be brutal but teens and 20-somethings seem far less bothered (which is a brilliant thing!). Spend less, keep your calories for tastier treats, drive home, get a good night’s sleep, avoid The Fear, wake up all set for a new day… What’s not to love?!