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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it’s antisocial not to drink alcohol.

138 replies

Cutesycurtsy · 02/09/2023 12:08

I really want to give up alcohol. I have great fun when I have a few drinks, and know that my life will be more boring without it and I’ll be a lot less fun. However, alcohol causes me so much anxiety the following day. I also get memory loss even from maybe 3 glasses of wine and that just causes the terrible anxiety.

My worry is that people won’t want to socialise with me if I give up drinking and that people will think I’m boring. Ultimately, I won’t allow this to affect my decision, because I know that I shouldn’t feel pressured into drinking alcohol. But it is a concern for me.

AIBU to think that people will think I’m unsociable if I go tee-total?

OP posts:
Pleaseme · 02/09/2023 12:22

I gave up booze this year after doing sober January. I have found that I’ve changed who I socialise with and where. Midweek yoga class of an evening rather than splitting a bottle of wine on someone’s sofa. Joined a book club type stuff.

BungleandGeorge · 02/09/2023 12:23

People just think they’re fun and interesting after drinking to excess, the reality is quite different! How large are your wine glasses? 3 could easily be a whole bottle, 12 or 13 units which is not a small amount. If you want to limit it you’d be better with spirits and a mixer which would only be one unit each. Or just give up. Tbh if your friendship group are all big drinkers you may suddenly realise that they’re actually quite annoying when drunk! I’m presuming you’re younger as it becomes increasingly common for people to cut down and give up as they get older

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/09/2023 12:23

know that my life will be more boring without it and I’ll be a lot less fun.

A lot of people feel the same as you do, and you will get some comments. In general people who are drinking prefer you to drink with them. I often prefer to drive so I run into this but I don't care.

Lyricallie · 02/09/2023 12:25

So I do drink but I don’t drink to the point I get a hangover anymore I just can’t face them. It hasn’t impacted me. I still go out with my friends, maybe get a non alcoholic cocktail (I actually had a really tasty one last night). It’s definitely becoming more of a thing to have AF options in bars that aren’t just a coke.

ButterRoad · 02/09/2023 12:25

I think the issue here is that YOU believe your life will be boring without alcohol.

What other people think is irrelevant.

It also sounds to me as if you have quite skewed thinking about alcohol — you say you get memory loss from ‘even’ three glasses of wine. Three large glasses of wine is potentially a lot of wine! What about drinking far less? Unless you’re unable to cut down, in which case you’ve developed a dependency and stopping altogether is probably the best idea.

I drink, but I’m equally happy not to, and might easily go weeks without it without noticing. I couldn’t tell you offhand which of my friends drink alcohol regularly/rarely — people drink or don’t drink depending on time of day/weeknight/ driving/pregnancy/ drugs/work to do etc. I don’t think it makes any particular difference to the quality of the occasion.

MinnieMouse0 · 02/09/2023 12:25

I don’t drink, it has def changed the way I socialise but my actual good friends are fine with it!

There were some that would get on at me (“oh just have one” etc) and I found it so awkward but just tell them to fuck off and they’ll get it 😂

MangshorJhol · 02/09/2023 12:26

In my fairly multicultural social circle there are people who drink, who don’t drink, who don’t drink because they don’t like it, those who drink once a month if that (like me) or those who don’t drink for religious reasons. I have managed to never judge anyone for it and I don’t think my friends who don’t drink (and have never had alcohol) are either less fun or boring because of it.

Culturally for instance my parents didn’t drink and my in laws rarely drank. We used to have huge parties at my house as a child with lots of food and people staying late and having fun with no alcohol ever being involved. My in laws too when they were younger when I first met DH used to host a lot with no alcohol and they were always fun gatherings.

TiaraBoo · 02/09/2023 12:29

Maybe you’ll start to feel more fun and confident once you get rid of the anxiety and memory issues.

tonystarksrighthand · 02/09/2023 12:30

Read Annie Grace or William Porter.

We seem to place a value on alcohol, that it will make us fun, sociable etc (don't get me wrong I was very chatty after 3 glasses, but fuck me did I talk utter shit)

Missey85 · 02/09/2023 12:34

I haven't really ever been much of a drinker and my friends don't care if they do they aren't your friends

sweetpeaorchestra · 02/09/2023 12:34

If you act withdrawn and miserable being sober during an event where people are drinking, then maybe people will think it’s anti social. If you’re lively and fun, no one will care if you’re drinking Nosecco instead of Prosecco. Possibly with the exception of people with their own issues with alcohol, but that’s not your problem.
It might just take some practice if you’ve used alcohol up until now as a way to warm up socially/feel less inhibited, like a lot of people do.

Mmhmmn · 02/09/2023 12:37

YABU. It's a toxin and clearly doesn't agree with you. It's good that you've realised the negative effect it has on your mental health. You'll still be you without drink, just less silly, less anxious and not hungover 🙂

Mmhmmn · 02/09/2023 12:40

sweetpeaorchestra · 02/09/2023 12:34

If you act withdrawn and miserable being sober during an event where people are drinking, then maybe people will think it’s anti social. If you’re lively and fun, no one will care if you’re drinking Nosecco instead of Prosecco. Possibly with the exception of people with their own issues with alcohol, but that’s not your problem.
It might just take some practice if you’ve used alcohol up until now as a way to warm up socially/feel less inhibited, like a lot of people do.

Agree it tends to be people who have their own issues with alcohol that are disappointed when others don't drink. It says much more about them if it's an issue.

Childofthe1970s · 02/09/2023 12:40

It will be fine! The social situation, relaxing and having a laugh will still be the same. I sometimes drink, othertimes don't and it doesn't matter you will have fun by being with you friends in a relaxed, chilled out situation.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 02/09/2023 12:41

YABU but you need to change your own mindset about it. Why do you think your life would be boring without it?

as for your friends I find most people don’t care as long as they get to poison themselves but you might find them boring when they are pissed and you’re not as drunk people are indeed bores. The beauty is you can jump in your car and leave them to it.

2 years sober here and nothing boring about it.

PimpMyFridge · 02/09/2023 12:42

The kind of people who only think you're fun if you're pissed are the boring ones.
Conversation and laughter all so much richer when you're not plastered and can actually be witty and sharp.
I have a friend who is amazing sober, but when drink becomes repetitive and opinionated.
People who pressure you to do that are only thinking of their own need to drink and want companions for that, nothing to do with how fun you are imo

Thewizardbinbag · 02/09/2023 12:43

The thing is, if you’re not a “fun” or “exciting” person when you’re sober, then you just need to accept that you’re not a “fun” or “exciting” person in the eyes of the people you have formed social circles with.

It doesn’t mean you aren’t fun, it just means you’re in the wrong group of friends. There will be things about you which are great, but if you don’t fit into a certain group the way you are then you need to find new friends. You shouldn’t need to be drunk to keep up with the people you hang out with, you should be able to just be yourself. Find new people.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 02/09/2023 12:44

There are people who will judge you for not drinking - that will range from relatively minor comments to people who won't invite you out anymore because you don't want to drink alcohol.

But at the end of the day, do you really want to be friends who will judge you over such a minor life decision?

Cornettoninja · 02/09/2023 12:45

I voted YANBU because some people will trot out that line. It’s not true though.

you can be just as fun without a few glasses of wine, it’s still you. If you’re not as ‘fun’ then that’s your confidence you need to work on or accept that you don’t actually really like who you become with alcohol.

AgnesX · 02/09/2023 12:47

Of course you're being unreasonable. Personally I feel so much better if I don't drink. It's just finding an alternative. I really dislike fruit juice or sweet drinks like coke.

AF beer has really improved, Orange tonic water (can't remember the make)is good. After that it's fizzy water.

TrishTrix · 02/09/2023 12:49

If you think like this I think you are actually quite reliant on alcohol and should consider stopping drinking altogether. Sorry.

I got out of the habit of drinking during covid and haven't really re-started. Mostly because my alcohol tolerance has dropped and I don't like making a tit of myself in public. I used to be able to drink a lot more before it affected me!

My father was an alcoholic and my siblings and I are all quite conscious about how much we drink.

My enjoyment of life hasn't changed at all. I still go out and do stuff but will often choose to have a non-alcoholic drink. Any friends who make a fuss aren't people I want to be around. TBH most people haven't really noticed and it's now been three years.

It's a great time to not drink there are so many more options than there used to be.

WonderingWanda · 02/09/2023 12:49

You might think you are more fun after a few drinks but it's just that you lose your inhibitions...you also become far less aware of when you are being annoying. So the reality is that actually people will probably enjoy your company more if you are sober. Especially if you work on your confidence and learn to do things like start a conversation or get up and dance without needing to have had a drink to do it. Drinking doesn't make you fun, it gives you confidence. Learn to be confident without it and you will be fun without it too!

Mrsttcno1 · 02/09/2023 12:49

I think when you give up alcohol it is quite likely that your social circle will change. I’m currently not drinking as I’m pregnant, so not the same as giving it up forever obviously, but I have found 1 certain group of my friends no longer really invite me out with them as they are always just going to sit in a bar/pub, they don’t want to sit and get mortal drunk when I’m sat sober I think! But I have also found that actually what I enjoy doing had changed since not drinking, for example when pre-pregnancy when drinking I would have happily went to the pub at 5pm with my friends and just stayed there until close at midnight/1am no problem! But now I’m sober, I find that really after an hour or so of sitting in the pub, I’m bored🤣 and everyone around me is getting to tipsy drunk, think they are a lot funnier than they are, and after 2 hours I’m hearing the same stories over and over again I’m ready to go home! It is just a big change not drinking, you find other things (and therefore sometimes other people) more fun x

Thereshegoesagain · 02/09/2023 12:50

9 years sober for me.
I was a twat drunk and have never regretted giving up ( I miss Port at Christmas sometimes).
I'll be honest, mostly it's fine, I go to the pub with a group, or go out to dinner with friends, get a non alcoholic beer and have a great time.
But if you have a friend, who likes to drink, then you might find you don't get asked out very much anymore.

Drinking alcohol enables others to drink alcohol. When you stop, they feel bad about their consumption and by default, move onto another enabling drinking buddy.
I have more fun now, go further afield for nights out because I can drive and I never have a hangover.

Crinkle77 · 02/09/2023 12:52

If people don't want to socialise with you without drinking then they're not your real friends and you'll be better off without them.

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