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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Adult birthdays - shitty presents

137 replies

HadlowLandscapes · 02/09/2023 08:13

Ah, the tangled web of obligatory gift-giving! A social dance many of us have stumbled into at some point. I've found myself in a bit of a conundrum here. It all started innocently enough, friends initiating the ritual of gift exchange during birthdays and Christmases. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that it's the thought that counts and all that. But let's be real; often, it is the lack of thought that can turn what's meant to be a joyous occasion to one that has you questioning the very meaning of life (okay, massive exaggeration).

Please don't judge me too harshly; I know the golden rule of gracious gift-receiving is to smile and say thank you, no matter what. But truth be told, there have been instances where I've received presents that make me wonder how one can present such... well, 'unique' offerings without a hint of embarrassment, and I myself have felt embarrassed at not being able to muster the necessary excitement to thank them graciously.

You see, these aren't your garden-variety bad gifts; we're talking about items that even the school Christmas raffle might scoff at – things like hand wash from Bailys & Harding that you'd expect to find in a budget motel. Not to mention those nondescript mugs that look like they moonlighted as prizes at the church fair.

Recently, I decided to break the cycle of underwhelming gifts and put some real thought into a friend's birthday present. I invested a whole £25 in a meaningful, brand-new, and sealed gift related to her profession. Yet, when my birthday rolled around, I was handed not one but two bottles of hand wash, each valued at a princely £3 from Boots, in a dirty many times used gift bag.

I know, I know, one shouldn't give to receive, but sometimes, one can't help but wonder, do people not feel a twinge of embarrassment handing out such lackluster offerings? These gifts often fall into a category best suited for the school Christmas raffle or the hidden corners of a cupboard.

One friend went the extra mile, presenting me with a tiny straw handbag that appeared to have lived a life already – no wrapping, no tags, a dirty bottom, and about as appealing as wearing a traffic cone as a hat, and as far from my style as you can get. Then there was the set of generic body washes, likely sourced from TK Maxx's bargain bin, and a nondescript scented candle – again, probably a TK Maxx find.

Now, before you assume I'm a gift-snob, let me clarify. The cost of living has hit me just as hard as anyone else, and I'm not asking for extravagance. But could we not collectively ease the pressure and expectation around gifting? I'd gladly swap the annual gift exchange cringe game for more meaningful connections.

I mean, honestly, I'd truly prefer an absence of presents to a plethora of pointless ones. Just think of all the clutter I now have to store until the school Christmas raffle comes around – it's like a never-ending cycle of unwanted hand wash!

OP posts:
7Worfs · 02/09/2023 08:19

YANBU. Tell them it’s best for the environment to stop passing around tat. Instead, do a new tradition like an afternoon tea or a mulled wine gathering, no presents needed, home-made baking encouraged if one wants to treat their friends.

It’s the consumerism and hunting down “bargains” on stuff no one needs, but the price is too good to pass up. Dreadful.

HadlowLandscapes · 02/09/2023 08:41

I notice some people have voted YABU and I'd genuinely love to have their input.
The thing is, although I have written in a slightly humorous tone, the honest truth is that I feel down and extremely hurt by it.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 02/09/2023 08:49

As your friends have set the bar, despite you trying to raise it, just stop the gifts. As each birthday nears, tell them you are not doing gifts this year & just send a card.

StarBloo · 02/09/2023 09:02

Your mates are shit. In your situation with repeated shit gifts I'd make a suggestion to them of either let's stop gifting or let's get each other X amount in scratch cards each birthday. I'd rather win fuck all on a scratch card than the inconvenience of lugging shit hand-wash to school every year.

vdbfamily · 02/09/2023 09:03

I feel your pain. I however also have a problem with decent gifts as I don't need them and don't want to have to spend £25 back on those friends. We managed to negotiate eventually that we just buy for each other and not all the children, but I am not quite brave enough just to stop it. I have so many scarfs,shawls and throws, which are all beautiful but cannot possibly use them all. Maybe we just need to be brave and have the conversation, or set a £5 limit for a token gift.

HadlowLandscapes · 02/09/2023 09:04

Yes, I think the whole gifting thing stops today. I have also just realised that one of the gifts I have been given, the little straw handbag, I have seen my actual friend using it!!!!

OP posts:
Lovemusic82 · 02/09/2023 09:08

Just stop doing gifts.
we don’t do gifts for adults, I have one friend that I buy for (Christmas and birthdays) but we know each other well enough to buy each other something we want/need, sometimes we just go out for a meal instead and go halves. Maybe just suggest going out for a meal or a drink together, tell them you are not doing gifts anymore as it’s bad for the environment.

tescocreditcard · 02/09/2023 09:08

Don't do it then, no-one is forcing you. YABU.

In my group of friends we don't give gifts, we have a meal out instead on birthdays because it's a good excuse to catch up and we enjoy each others company and no-one wants or needs crappy gifts. Can't you just do that instead?

Thintelligencerising · 02/09/2023 09:08

HadlowLandscapes · 02/09/2023 08:41

I notice some people have voted YABU and I'd genuinely love to have their input.
The thing is, although I have written in a slightly humorous tone, the honest truth is that I feel down and extremely hurt by it.

I voted YABU because of your examples really. Some people think bayliss and harding is "posh"; some people have a low budget for gifts; recycling wrapping is good for the planet.
I do believe it's the thought that counts. However I stopped exchanging gifts with a friend I never see because it seemed meaningless and I felt a waste of effort.
I'm sorry you feel hurt and I do think it's a good idea for you to stop exchanging gifts with these friends as i expect your feeling hurt is the opposite of their intention.💐

Alycidon · 02/09/2023 09:09

I mean, honestly, I'd truly prefer an absence of presents to a plethora of pointless ones.

So back out of it, tell them you'll only be giving family gifts this year and you don't expect to receive any from friends. No need for drama.

we're talking about items that even the school Christmas raffle might scoff at – things like hand wash from Bailys & Harding that you'd expect to find in a budget motel.

Frankly, this is just snobby. There's nothing wrong with Bayliss and Harding other than that it's not particularly expensive. If it's too common for you, donate it to, e.g. a women's refuge where they'd be glad of it.

I've voted YABU because you are behaving in a snobby, entitled way and making a drama of nothing at all.

Isitjustme03 · 02/09/2023 09:10

I can completely understand some of the YABU votes. Cost of living, up-cycling, should appreciate the thought etc.

But on the most part, YANBU. I have received already opened toiletries before, cheap well below the allocated budget secret santa gifts, items without tags and stains on! Of course it’s the thought that counts, but I end up not being able to use these gifts.

I would just say that you’re no longer doing gifts and maybe all meet for a meal or coffee instead!

Isitjustme03 · 02/09/2023 09:10

Personally wouldn’t be offended about a new Baylis and Harding hand wash though

Freshair1 · 02/09/2023 09:11

Why are you 'hurt' by gifts. Christ almighty, you're an adult. Your worth isn't reflected in the gifts you receive. Just because you seek out nice gifts doesn't mean you'll get the same back, that's not the point of gifts. It's all a nonsense. You're an adult, blow money on what you want!

TerrorOwls · 02/09/2023 09:14

Your friends are terrible. I'm happy with a cheap gift and don't mind a nice smelling candle, a supermarket paperback, a lip gloss, chocolates or a plant.
One of my friends once gave me a selection of face, hair and foot masks. I loved it.
You don't have to spend much but at least buy something the person will like.

continentallentil · 02/09/2023 09:14

Just say - given the cost of living and the poor old planet, I am knocking adult present giving on the head.

I know what you mean, but the easiest way to never have to think about it again is to stop it.

Send a WhatsApp now, maybe starting with ‘I have found myself thinking about Christmas this morning (dear god) and I have decided… as above.. so let’s save our money and go out for Christmas cocktails instead and suggest some dates

ChocolateCinderToffee · 02/09/2023 09:17

YANBU. I suggested to my oldest friend that we stop exchanging gifts precisely because she’s extremely tight and was giving me things that were clearly rejects from her own birthday gift pile. Her birthday is a week before mine. It is the thought that counts and when someone clearly hasn’t put any thought into a gift, it stings.

Fannyfiggs · 02/09/2023 09:21

As your friends are obviously having a 'who can give the shittiest gift' competition without your knowledge, it's time to get involved:

Future gifts could include, a book you've already read, an old phone, a pair of shoes that hurt your feet, a bra that has the wire poking out of it, all the packets of food that your cat won't eat, a pack of Tena Lady (unused, I'm not an animal) or a couple of bars of carbolic soap.

You could have lots of fun with this OP 😁

cheesymashfortea · 02/09/2023 09:23

YANBU, if I want to get someone a gift and I’m skint or have little time to go out and buy something then I’ll just do a card and a box of malteasers or a supermarket bottle of wine - at least they get used!

HadlowLandscapes · 02/09/2023 09:27

I fully appreciate how I may be coming across as a snob, but honestly that's not it. For me, it is the lack of thought. Also knowing what some of these friends have bought others. It's almost like there's a scale and I seem to have fallen at the very bottom. A friend gave me a wooden card with an illustration of an unusual animal she knows I love. That's all she gave me, and I loved it so so much because it's extremely thoughtful and she was clearly thinking about me.

Again, I also recycle gift bags. But it does get to a point where they're soiled and damaged, and it doesn't look right to keep reusing them.

I will definitely stop the whole present giving thing now. It wasn't even me who started it!!

OP posts:
Crayfishforyou · 02/09/2023 09:29

Yanbu
I’m skint and I usually go to a budget shop for chocolate for people.

familyday · 02/09/2023 09:30

Implying you have to store Baylis and Harding rather than use it your house so it doesn't look like a budget hotel is horrid, it's just soap. I didn't find your writing style humorous but cringy. I think you wanted us all to say you have a great writing style and having to point it out yourself is a lot less classy than Baylis and Harding soap. Maybe your friends just find you insufferable and don't want to spend time on a thoughtful gift for you.

Zipps · 02/09/2023 09:32

I've cut mine back to one gift for only one friend at Christmas. Which will be her favourite chocolate, spa day or afternoon tea. Nothing that needs to be kept.
My birthday is two weeks after another friend and it always felt like the present she gave me was something crap that she had received for her birthday and passed on to me.
Who can be bothered?

Gerrataere · 02/09/2023 09:34

I voted AIBU because of the waffling snobbery. Plus these threads are a million a dozen by Christmas and really don’t need a preemptive ‘Baylis and Harding, urgh it simply doesn’t do for my class of person’ this early on a September morning. Don’t engage in gift giving, you’re obviously a difficult and/or expensive person to get for, no one needs your type of fussiness when they often have other people to consider in their monthly birthday/Christmas budgets.

Andrea87 · 02/09/2023 09:34

I like getting & giving gifts such as a lunch out, an afternoon tea or a theatre/ cinema visit (if other person is on a diet or if chatting to them for longer is tricky).
You get to spend some 1:1 time with your friend, hopefully have fun and it leaves no tat around the house at the end.

I also like getting homemade birthday cards as it shows an effort & care - they don’t have to be great either!

Is this something you could start/ suggest maybe? It could level the amount spent on gifts and any resentment because of cheap versus expensive ones.

AgnesX · 02/09/2023 09:35

It's not the cost of something it's generally the sheer lack of taste...looking at you MIL... 30 years later, have you still not a clue about what I like.