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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Adult birthdays - shitty presents

137 replies

HadlowLandscapes · 02/09/2023 08:13

Ah, the tangled web of obligatory gift-giving! A social dance many of us have stumbled into at some point. I've found myself in a bit of a conundrum here. It all started innocently enough, friends initiating the ritual of gift exchange during birthdays and Christmases. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that it's the thought that counts and all that. But let's be real; often, it is the lack of thought that can turn what's meant to be a joyous occasion to one that has you questioning the very meaning of life (okay, massive exaggeration).

Please don't judge me too harshly; I know the golden rule of gracious gift-receiving is to smile and say thank you, no matter what. But truth be told, there have been instances where I've received presents that make me wonder how one can present such... well, 'unique' offerings without a hint of embarrassment, and I myself have felt embarrassed at not being able to muster the necessary excitement to thank them graciously.

You see, these aren't your garden-variety bad gifts; we're talking about items that even the school Christmas raffle might scoff at – things like hand wash from Bailys & Harding that you'd expect to find in a budget motel. Not to mention those nondescript mugs that look like they moonlighted as prizes at the church fair.

Recently, I decided to break the cycle of underwhelming gifts and put some real thought into a friend's birthday present. I invested a whole £25 in a meaningful, brand-new, and sealed gift related to her profession. Yet, when my birthday rolled around, I was handed not one but two bottles of hand wash, each valued at a princely £3 from Boots, in a dirty many times used gift bag.

I know, I know, one shouldn't give to receive, but sometimes, one can't help but wonder, do people not feel a twinge of embarrassment handing out such lackluster offerings? These gifts often fall into a category best suited for the school Christmas raffle or the hidden corners of a cupboard.

One friend went the extra mile, presenting me with a tiny straw handbag that appeared to have lived a life already – no wrapping, no tags, a dirty bottom, and about as appealing as wearing a traffic cone as a hat, and as far from my style as you can get. Then there was the set of generic body washes, likely sourced from TK Maxx's bargain bin, and a nondescript scented candle – again, probably a TK Maxx find.

Now, before you assume I'm a gift-snob, let me clarify. The cost of living has hit me just as hard as anyone else, and I'm not asking for extravagance. But could we not collectively ease the pressure and expectation around gifting? I'd gladly swap the annual gift exchange cringe game for more meaningful connections.

I mean, honestly, I'd truly prefer an absence of presents to a plethora of pointless ones. Just think of all the clutter I now have to store until the school Christmas raffle comes around – it's like a never-ending cycle of unwanted hand wash!

OP posts:
ThinkingAgainAndAgain · 02/09/2023 15:54

In a similar vein, I suggested to a few friends last October that we stop buying Christmas gifts for each other’s children. The things they’d give my DC weren’t what they’d want, and it may well be that the things I was giving to their children weren’t what they wanted either. And my Christmas to buy for list was getting insane. Thankfully they agreed and so we don’t buy for the children (we’ve never bought for each other) for Christmas anymore and it’s just so much easier. Less to think about, fewer things to take to the charity shop!

HadlowLandscapes · 02/09/2023 15:55

@ChocolateRaisin09, there's an element of that. I guess I don't feel valued, and not because of the money aspect, but the lack of though and effort.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 02/09/2023 16:03

BeachHutCornwall · 02/09/2023 14:52

One thing that strikes me is that - you say that the cost of living crisis has hit you as hard as anyone, but if you have £25 to spend on a friends Bday present, you are far better off than many (as I am sure you realise) - but £25 is a weeks food shop to many of us

A lot of people do not have any spare cash* at all*

It does appear that you have solved this yourself in post one, in your last paragraph where you say ''I mean, honestly, I'd truly prefer an absence of presents to a plethora of pointless ones'' - Just tell them you dont want presents in future and you will not be buying any. It is simple as that

If it was really that simple, many givers would actually listen and stop doing so but many unfortunately don’t, because they get a satisfaction out of not only buying a gift but saying they have to others regardless of receivers telling them please not to and then the givers get the huff when they find out it was re-gifted.

Fannyfiggs · 02/09/2023 16:31

MrsDBaddiel · 02/09/2023 15:42

What a strange question, you clearly don’t understand how forums work either.

To paraphrase “wow, people are real obtuse eejits today”

It's not a strange question. I wouldn't be rude to someone on a forum who is telling a story or asking a question. I am interested to understand why you are rude and if you get something from it. A frisson of excitement or an ego boost or... nothing? And if nothing then why do you do it?

Cigarettesandbooze · 02/09/2023 16:34

familyday · 02/09/2023 09:30

Implying you have to store Baylis and Harding rather than use it your house so it doesn't look like a budget hotel is horrid, it's just soap. I didn't find your writing style humorous but cringy. I think you wanted us all to say you have a great writing style and having to point it out yourself is a lot less classy than Baylis and Harding soap. Maybe your friends just find you insufferable and don't want to spend time on a thoughtful gift for you.

That’s just nasty. Who the hell wants Baylis and Harding as a birthday gift? Seriously. Grim.

travelogue · 02/09/2023 17:45

Meh - honestly I'd always secretly prefer no gift over a shite one. My BIL quite often gives me chocs that I don't like and will never eat. I just wish he'd save his money. I'd actually prefer a hand soap because I'd probably use it. But, I always thank him graciously.

I actually don't really like having to give presents at certain times - I prefer to give something randomly when I find something the recipient will like - for no reason at all other than that I want to - but I've probably got PDA!

If this is now a "thing" with your friends - next time just say sorry, I've decided not to do gifts any more, it seems a bit daft at our age, your company is enough - let's go for a drink!

I'd do that with BIL, but I don't actually want to go for a drink with him 😂

MrsDBaddiel · 02/09/2023 19:14

Fannyfiggs · 02/09/2023 16:31

It's not a strange question. I wouldn't be rude to someone on a forum who is telling a story or asking a question. I am interested to understand why you are rude and if you get something from it. A frisson of excitement or an ego boost or... nothing? And if nothing then why do you do it?

Aw, the winter nights must just Fly by in your house, bless your wee boring soul xx

Jibo · 02/09/2023 19:17

ShellySarah · 02/09/2023 14:34

I agree. I'd rather get nothing.

Once my BIL gave me a book on numerous ways to kill yourself. He thought it was funny. But I didn't.

As a side note I find not having a family and being long term single especially difficult.

Every birthday and Christmas I have to give each family member a present and then when it's me I get one present from the whole family and it's usually some shite.

This is confusing. Do you have** a family or don't you?

PinkRoses1245 · 02/09/2023 19:27

in general gifts giving between friends is unnecessary. Glad we don’t do it apart from weddings and new babies. The planet is suffocating with stuff.

ShellySarah · 02/09/2023 19:27

Jibo · 02/09/2023 19:17

This is confusing. Do you have** a family or don't you?

Not confusing at all. Clearly I have a bil and sister. No kids is what I mean.

Fannyfiggs · 02/09/2023 19:27

MrsDBaddiel · 02/09/2023 19:14

Aw, the winter nights must just Fly by in your house, bless your wee boring soul xx

So you're just a rude person. I wonder if you're that rude in person or if you're a pushover irl and just love the anonymity of ye old keyboard terrorism. Ah well, live and let live I suppose.

MrsDBaddiel · 02/09/2023 19:35

Fannyfiggs · 02/09/2023 19:27

So you're just a rude person. I wonder if you're that rude in person or if you're a pushover irl and just love the anonymity of ye old keyboard terrorism. Ah well, live and let live I suppose.

No, I’m not a pushover in any realm. You should try listening to the room and be less judgmental. I wish you well even though I’d never be arsed with you irl, I’m currently about to go onstage, this is a mindless distraction for me. I think you probably live in a tiny soulless box with no idea how anyone else interacts. Good luck to you, I’m ever so glad I don’t have to be arsed with you in reality xx

PosterBoy · 02/09/2023 19:38

Can't mumsnet use an AI screener on their threads? It's all such formulaic crap.

Hibiscrubbed · 02/09/2023 19:42

MrsDBaddiel · 02/09/2023 15:31

Oh grow up ffs, do you know how forums work? People post stuff
some people agree
some people disagree
you called me a cunt
i called you on it
then you had the cheek to get pissy about it

seriously, step away from the internet and touch grass if you’re that tied up in knots about something a random stranger said about another random stranger you’ll never know.

You didn’t call me on anything. 😂 and I didn’t get pissy. I asked what you get out of posting what you did?

sunglassesonthetable · 02/09/2023 19:46

OP I so get you.

Such wastage going round and round and round. Maybe the CoL thing will pull everything into proportion and also re calibrate our expectations. .

Shit gifts do sting but just get rid of the whole overblown expectation.

Honestly I'd rather have a bunch of flowers, or a treat from the bakery, or just a card, or nothing really. Rather than the endless round of generic stuffage. I'd prefer to be free of the pressure myself.

Mostly I just prefer the actual company of my friends.

@MrsDBaddiel

You sound a nightmare. " you clearly don't know how forums work...." 😂

camelfinger · 02/09/2023 19:46

Gift giving and receiving is in two categories:

  1. Shit filler gifts, like you described. A waste of time, money and plastic.
  2. Lovely thoughtful gifts. Great, but hard to keep up after you’ve perfected it first time. And annoying if it’s reciprocated with category 1.
sunglassesonthetable · 02/09/2023 19:47

No, I’m not a pushover in any realm. You should try listening to the room and be less judgmental. I wish you well even though I’d never be arsed with you irl, I’m currently about to go onstage, this is a mindless distraction for me. I think you probably live in a tiny soulless box with no idea how anyone else interacts. Good luck to you, I’m ever so glad I don’t have to be arsed with you in reality xx

Yep and you just made it all so much better.

Fannyfiggs · 02/09/2023 20:04

MrsDBaddiel · 02/09/2023 19:35

No, I’m not a pushover in any realm. You should try listening to the room and be less judgmental. I wish you well even though I’d never be arsed with you irl, I’m currently about to go onstage, this is a mindless distraction for me. I think you probably live in a tiny soulless box with no idea how anyone else interacts. Good luck to you, I’m ever so glad I don’t have to be arsed with you in reality xx

Break a leg darling

ladeluge · 02/09/2023 20:16

Might sound twee, but time, generosity and reliability are the best gifts anyone can give. Ok pass the sick bucket!

My friends and family exchange WhatsApp texts for birthdays. Good fun and some thought goes into them. No gifts from or to family or friends at Christmas either by mutual agreement and sighs of relief all round.

Gifts do not have to be in a box.

Hibiscrubbed · 02/09/2023 20:18

MrsDBaddiel · 02/09/2023 19:35

No, I’m not a pushover in any realm. You should try listening to the room and be less judgmental. I wish you well even though I’d never be arsed with you irl, I’m currently about to go onstage, this is a mindless distraction for me. I think you probably live in a tiny soulless box with no idea how anyone else interacts. Good luck to you, I’m ever so glad I don’t have to be arsed with you in reality xx

You’re really unpleasant. 😂

You needed to go ‘onstage’. Are you a bingo caller?

RicherThanYews · 02/09/2023 20:18

YANBU. My husband was the recipient of a dirty and broken set of Destiny's Child perfume and body cream for women that hasn't been produced since the early part of 2001. It was hugely out of date, already used and one of the items was missing. He pretended to be delighted because his Nan gave it to him but he was gutted. She'll be getting some nice charity shop finds this year, and the next, so at least somebody benefits.

Upanddownthemerrygoround · 02/09/2023 20:23

Problem is we get told from a very young age that “it’s the thought that counts”. So when there’s no though we realise… nothing counts.

Jibo · 02/09/2023 20:24

ShellySarah · 02/09/2023 19:27

Not confusing at all. Clearly I have a bil and sister. No kids is what I mean.

Not having kids is not the same as having no family. What a weird and awful thing to say.

Lagershandy · 02/09/2023 20:37

I am in a small group of friends, and some years ago it was a big birthday year for all of us.
We had decided to club together for each birthday girls present, as trying to get stuff sorted with the group is like wrangling cats. I am the most organised, so was asked for present ideas.
Birthday girl # 1. Personalised canvas, which she loves and it's still on display in her home.

Birthday girl # 2. Gorgeous leather tote bag,friend is still using it.
.
Birthday girl # 3. A plant with her name all potted up for her patio, (she is a keen gardener.)

Me: A cardigan🤔

user1477391263 · 02/09/2023 20:42

I think it's fine to be annoyed at dirty used stuff being given to you as a gift.

Making sneery comments about bath products or candles that aren't (in your opinion) expensive enough or from the right brands makes you sound like a bit of a tit. And it does rather sound as though you only gave a pricier gift because you wanted something pricy back.

I think you should suggest to your friends that you all just stop with the gift exchanges and spend the money on having a lunch or drink together instead.

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