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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Adult birthdays - shitty presents

137 replies

HadlowLandscapes · 02/09/2023 08:13

Ah, the tangled web of obligatory gift-giving! A social dance many of us have stumbled into at some point. I've found myself in a bit of a conundrum here. It all started innocently enough, friends initiating the ritual of gift exchange during birthdays and Christmases. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that it's the thought that counts and all that. But let's be real; often, it is the lack of thought that can turn what's meant to be a joyous occasion to one that has you questioning the very meaning of life (okay, massive exaggeration).

Please don't judge me too harshly; I know the golden rule of gracious gift-receiving is to smile and say thank you, no matter what. But truth be told, there have been instances where I've received presents that make me wonder how one can present such... well, 'unique' offerings without a hint of embarrassment, and I myself have felt embarrassed at not being able to muster the necessary excitement to thank them graciously.

You see, these aren't your garden-variety bad gifts; we're talking about items that even the school Christmas raffle might scoff at – things like hand wash from Bailys & Harding that you'd expect to find in a budget motel. Not to mention those nondescript mugs that look like they moonlighted as prizes at the church fair.

Recently, I decided to break the cycle of underwhelming gifts and put some real thought into a friend's birthday present. I invested a whole £25 in a meaningful, brand-new, and sealed gift related to her profession. Yet, when my birthday rolled around, I was handed not one but two bottles of hand wash, each valued at a princely £3 from Boots, in a dirty many times used gift bag.

I know, I know, one shouldn't give to receive, but sometimes, one can't help but wonder, do people not feel a twinge of embarrassment handing out such lackluster offerings? These gifts often fall into a category best suited for the school Christmas raffle or the hidden corners of a cupboard.

One friend went the extra mile, presenting me with a tiny straw handbag that appeared to have lived a life already – no wrapping, no tags, a dirty bottom, and about as appealing as wearing a traffic cone as a hat, and as far from my style as you can get. Then there was the set of generic body washes, likely sourced from TK Maxx's bargain bin, and a nondescript scented candle – again, probably a TK Maxx find.

Now, before you assume I'm a gift-snob, let me clarify. The cost of living has hit me just as hard as anyone else, and I'm not asking for extravagance. But could we not collectively ease the pressure and expectation around gifting? I'd gladly swap the annual gift exchange cringe game for more meaningful connections.

I mean, honestly, I'd truly prefer an absence of presents to a plethora of pointless ones. Just think of all the clutter I now have to store until the school Christmas raffle comes around – it's like a never-ending cycle of unwanted hand wash!

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 02/09/2023 11:32

There’s a cost of living crisis and a climate crisis. For anyone that wants to get off the gift cycle, now’s the time! You can reasonably blame these things and free yourselves!

Newestname002 · 02/09/2023 12:52

I really can't be bothered with the enforced gift giving any more, with a couple of exceptions. My mum, who gets something nice to wear which I KNOW she'll wear and my brother and I going out to dinner and really relax and put the world to rights. Otherwise I'm really happy with a card or a message. 🌹

Newestname002 · 02/09/2023 13:05

Also I quite like the Secret Santa at Christmas, with an agreed cash limit, with a few suggestions so your secret Santa can just pick something you'll like up to the cash limit. 🌹

Mary46 · 02/09/2023 13:33

Agree op hate tat. Only so much soap u can use. We cut out bdays just big ones. It was constant money. Im after xmas so its tat passed on. Hate lack of thought too.

HadlowLandscapes · 02/09/2023 14:27

@TallerThanAverage, that's the sort of thing I'd love! I did something similar one year for a childhood friend but it was a scrapbook!

OP posts:
EricInk · 02/09/2023 14:28

My friends all put £25-30 in for each persons birthday (close knit group) to fund one big present from all of us. Works really well and if anyone wants anything in particular it's considered good form to give 'big hints'

Hibiscrubbed · 02/09/2023 14:29

MrsDBaddiel · 02/09/2023 11:22

This, saved me writing it out.

OP, your writing style is pompous and off putting. You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are. Step away from the thesaurus and get some fresh air.

Wow. People are real cunts today.

tuvamoodyson · 02/09/2023 14:32

Just stop giving gifts! My friends and I just exchange birthday cards now…we decided we all had enough ‘stuff’ and whilst all the gifts were thoughtfully chosen, we just didn’t need anything else! We now prefer to meet up and have lunch together instead…

squashi · 02/09/2023 14:33

I think, given your feelings about this, it'd be better to suggest not exchanging presents with certain people. I've made that suggestion to a few friends and family members in the past, and I'd say it was always received with a certain degree of relief.

ShellySarah · 02/09/2023 14:34

I agree. I'd rather get nothing.

Once my BIL gave me a book on numerous ways to kill yourself. He thought it was funny. But I didn't.

As a side note I find not having a family and being long term single especially difficult.

Every birthday and Christmas I have to give each family member a present and then when it's me I get one present from the whole family and it's usually some shite.

DrManhattan · 02/09/2023 14:37

100% agree with you op. I would rather have no gift than some of that tat I have been given. Particularly regifts that look battered / used - I would be so embarrassed to hand over something over that's so tatty. One friend does this and I have stopped spending anytime thinking about what gifts to get them. I think its rude.

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/09/2023 14:38

The only thing to do is just before your next birthday, say I've decided I don't want to do presents anymore because we all have everything we need so don't get me anything and then I won't get you anything. Big smile and change the subject.

Wrongsideofpennines · 02/09/2023 14:38

I think you're being unreasonable because I think you should just tell your friends you don't think you should do gifts anymore and suggest a meal out instead. Or theatre, gig, cinema, escape room, wine tasting, whatever other event you would enjoy more.

I also couldn't care less if I got smellies for every birthday. I'm not fussy about toiletries and therefore enjoy never having to buy my own shower gel.

ChocolateRaisin09 · 02/09/2023 14:38

It does really hurt when people don't think about what they're getting you. But I guess that's more about the relationship? Or maybe they're just crap. A really good close friend gave me a present that wasn't me at all and it really changed how I see her, dramatic maybe!? And my in laws are always getting me weird useless things but I do feel ungrateful thinking that.

DrManhattan · 02/09/2023 14:40

@ChocolateRaisin09 I don't think that's dramatic at all. It isn't a nice feeling when you have put loads of time and effort into getting someone something special and they regift some shit. It's like they don't value your feelings or the relationship.

BeachHutCornwall · 02/09/2023 14:52

One thing that strikes me is that - you say that the cost of living crisis has hit you as hard as anyone, but if you have £25 to spend on a friends Bday present, you are far better off than many (as I am sure you realise) - but £25 is a weeks food shop to many of us

A lot of people do not have any spare cash* at all*

It does appear that you have solved this yourself in post one, in your last paragraph where you say ''I mean, honestly, I'd truly prefer an absence of presents to a plethora of pointless ones'' - Just tell them you dont want presents in future and you will not be buying any. It is simple as that

Upwiththelark76 · 02/09/2023 14:58

I’m with you OP . YANBU . Maybe agree with friends not to bother and go out for a drink / food / coffee instead .

MrsDBaddiel · 02/09/2023 15:11

Hibiscrubbed · 02/09/2023 14:29

Wow. People are real cunts today.

Hmmm takes one to know one

Hibiscrubbed · 02/09/2023 15:18

MrsDBaddiel · 02/09/2023 15:11

Hmmm takes one to know one

Yeah….good one. Why come online today and go out of your way to be bitchy to a poster? What do you get out of it?

Fannyfiggs · 02/09/2023 15:30

Hibiscrubbed · 02/09/2023 14:29

Wow. People are real cunts today.

Couldn't agree more Hibi.

I am flabbergasted at people ripping shreds off OPs writing style. Does it make you feel better for doing it?

MrsDBaddiel · 02/09/2023 15:31

Hibiscrubbed · 02/09/2023 15:18

Yeah….good one. Why come online today and go out of your way to be bitchy to a poster? What do you get out of it?

Oh grow up ffs, do you know how forums work? People post stuff
some people agree
some people disagree
you called me a cunt
i called you on it
then you had the cheek to get pissy about it

seriously, step away from the internet and touch grass if you’re that tied up in knots about something a random stranger said about another random stranger you’ll never know.

Fannyfiggs · 02/09/2023 15:37

MrsDBaddiel · 02/09/2023 15:31

Oh grow up ffs, do you know how forums work? People post stuff
some people agree
some people disagree
you called me a cunt
i called you on it
then you had the cheek to get pissy about it

seriously, step away from the internet and touch grass if you’re that tied up in knots about something a random stranger said about another random stranger you’ll never know.

But what do you get out of it?

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 02/09/2023 15:38

What an unpleasant post. I will always use handwash as I always wash my hands. Getting it as a gift saves me a few quid at the shops which I appreciate, whereas 'unique' gifts normally equal tat/clutter. I know you were writing in a a slightly tongue in cheek style, but I can't identify with much of what you say. Plus the MN snobbery over Bayliss and Harding is baffling - it smells nice enough.

MrsDBaddiel · 02/09/2023 15:42

Fannyfiggs · 02/09/2023 15:37

But what do you get out of it?

What a strange question, you clearly don’t understand how forums work either.

To paraphrase “wow, people are real obtuse eejits today”

DrManhattan · 02/09/2023 15:45

@TakemedowntoPotatoCity I get your point but some people can't use any hand-wash so it makes the gift useless.