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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Adult birthdays - shitty presents

137 replies

HadlowLandscapes · 02/09/2023 08:13

Ah, the tangled web of obligatory gift-giving! A social dance many of us have stumbled into at some point. I've found myself in a bit of a conundrum here. It all started innocently enough, friends initiating the ritual of gift exchange during birthdays and Christmases. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that it's the thought that counts and all that. But let's be real; often, it is the lack of thought that can turn what's meant to be a joyous occasion to one that has you questioning the very meaning of life (okay, massive exaggeration).

Please don't judge me too harshly; I know the golden rule of gracious gift-receiving is to smile and say thank you, no matter what. But truth be told, there have been instances where I've received presents that make me wonder how one can present such... well, 'unique' offerings without a hint of embarrassment, and I myself have felt embarrassed at not being able to muster the necessary excitement to thank them graciously.

You see, these aren't your garden-variety bad gifts; we're talking about items that even the school Christmas raffle might scoff at – things like hand wash from Bailys & Harding that you'd expect to find in a budget motel. Not to mention those nondescript mugs that look like they moonlighted as prizes at the church fair.

Recently, I decided to break the cycle of underwhelming gifts and put some real thought into a friend's birthday present. I invested a whole £25 in a meaningful, brand-new, and sealed gift related to her profession. Yet, when my birthday rolled around, I was handed not one but two bottles of hand wash, each valued at a princely £3 from Boots, in a dirty many times used gift bag.

I know, I know, one shouldn't give to receive, but sometimes, one can't help but wonder, do people not feel a twinge of embarrassment handing out such lackluster offerings? These gifts often fall into a category best suited for the school Christmas raffle or the hidden corners of a cupboard.

One friend went the extra mile, presenting me with a tiny straw handbag that appeared to have lived a life already – no wrapping, no tags, a dirty bottom, and about as appealing as wearing a traffic cone as a hat, and as far from my style as you can get. Then there was the set of generic body washes, likely sourced from TK Maxx's bargain bin, and a nondescript scented candle – again, probably a TK Maxx find.

Now, before you assume I'm a gift-snob, let me clarify. The cost of living has hit me just as hard as anyone else, and I'm not asking for extravagance. But could we not collectively ease the pressure and expectation around gifting? I'd gladly swap the annual gift exchange cringe game for more meaningful connections.

I mean, honestly, I'd truly prefer an absence of presents to a plethora of pointless ones. Just think of all the clutter I now have to store until the school Christmas raffle comes around – it's like a never-ending cycle of unwanted hand wash!

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 02/09/2023 10:18

Can you call an end to it by saying instead of giving gifts this year shall we invest in a nice day out together eg dinner and the theatre, or a day trip to the coast, or whatever it is you like to do?

Dahlia11 · 02/09/2023 10:19

familyday · 02/09/2023 09:30

Implying you have to store Baylis and Harding rather than use it your house so it doesn't look like a budget hotel is horrid, it's just soap. I didn't find your writing style humorous but cringy. I think you wanted us all to say you have a great writing style and having to point it out yourself is a lot less classy than Baylis and Harding soap. Maybe your friends just find you insufferable and don't want to spend time on a thoughtful gift for you.

🤣🤣

YukoandHiro · 02/09/2023 10:19

HadlowLandscapes · 02/09/2023 09:04

Yes, I think the whole gifting thing stops today. I have also just realised that one of the gifts I have been given, the little straw handbag, I have seen my actual friend using it!!!!

That's outrageous! I'd be quite offended by that. The only second hand thing I don't think is offensive is books.

Positive41 · 02/09/2023 10:20

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/09/2023 10:17

Yes! Really odd writing style.

I really do not think you two should be judging!

BakingBeanz · 02/09/2023 10:20

TallerThanAverage · 02/09/2023 09:56

.My friend is having a party for her birthday today and we don’t usually do gifts but as she’s having a get together I have spent this week compiling a Spotify playlist for her from our sixth form years. As you’ve posted about shitty gift’s, what would you think if someone did this for you? I know it costs nothing but I’m interested in your opinion as to whether you think it’s thoughtful, tight, or both?

I’d love this

booksandbeans · 02/09/2023 10:24

Yes, I get it. They give you something totally meaningless to you, and them which reeks of last minute cannot be bothered. The cost s almost irrelevant. Or (my mum died this) get you get something they you should have rather than something you would like.

pilates · 02/09/2023 10:24

@TallerThanAverage

I would love that too - very thoughtful

YukoandHiro · 02/09/2023 10:24

FrillyGoatFluff · 02/09/2023 09:49

I think this might be less about the gifts, more about the writing... cynic in me thinks you have picked a topic that usually gets a lot of momentum and are giving your writing muscles a flex, hoping for comments/feedback/compliments.

People are weirdly obsessed with this at the moment.

There's no way this is a creative writing exercise. Sorry OP, I don't mean to offend, but my work involves copywriting and this is simply NOT a piece of writing aimed at a wider audience other than Mumsnet. It's very bad.

I completely believe the OP. My family are obsessed with gifts for their own sake but worse spend quite a bit on them but they're never very good... it can be offensive/embarrassing. I've tried to say no adult gifts lots of times but they are materialistic and won't go for it.

AuntieMarys · 02/09/2023 10:25

I don't buy gifts for friends birthday or Xmas, nor family other than adult dcs and dh.
Absolute waste of money.

Whichwhatnow · 02/09/2023 10:31

Ah I feel you OP. My husband has a birthday two weeks after mine in September. His present from me - a once in a lifetime safari holiday that he's always wanted to experience. My present from him - finally using a voucher for afternoon tea that he literally bought me for my last birthday and hasn't bothered arranging until now, a year later.

I mean I obviously wouldn't expect a present of the same value as a safari but ffs, put a bit of thought in! I'm not even a massive fan of afternoon tea 😆

Gettinagoldtoof · 02/09/2023 10:32

I despise getting presents from friends. There is almost nothing I want, I hate it. I wonder if subconsciously I have given back shit presents is the gift-giving stops, I just hate it so, so much. If I need to give a gift I rack my brains to think of something someone once said they’d like, or make them something, but I really, really hate it. There. Got my hatred out!

Whichwhatnow · 02/09/2023 10:34

I mean DH and his dad both exchange the same gift every year... a cheque for £20. So he gives his dad a cheque and his dad does the same. So I probably shouldn't be surprised at the poor gift giving haha

Throwncrumbs · 02/09/2023 10:35

I get it , I ordered a book I knew a ‘friend’ would love, make her laugh and she would like, £25 but that was okay. Come Christmas Day all around family and friends she gives me a gift… a luggage tag £1.00 from Poundstretcher… yep stopped buying gifts after that..this person is very well off, and now I know why. Can’t stand tight arses. No longer friends due to another reason regarding being stingy!

Topseyt123 · 02/09/2023 10:37

I hardly really do gifts anymore, and never did them for adult friends anyway.

I always ask my DH and my three DD's what they would like for Christmas and birthdays and work around that.

As for my own birthday, I'm happiest with a meal out/cinema trip to see a film I am interested in/ book vouchers (I love shopping for reading material and browsing bookshops).

Cheap toiletries do not interest me at all although I will be gracious about receiving them if someone does gift me some.

I'd just say no more adult gift giving and go out for a meal instead.

ScattyHattie · 02/09/2023 10:43

Birthdays I don't often get gifts but tend to be happy with what I receive. Id suggest friends saving the money towards a day out together.

It's difficult if your short of funds as even if trying to be thoughtful your gift options are limited and seems majority on MN hate homemade gifts. I'd prefer hand wash to other smellies as it's easy to use up with less difference in quality, baylis will probably smell nice and attempted to look fancy. Maybe you accidently complimented the straw bag so friend passed it on instead of cheap candle.

I'd choose to scrap Christmas gifting altogether as it just seems to cause massive amounts of stress and people wasting time & money on things the recipient will either like but not have use for or disappointed and give away. Kids swamped in piles of gifts they get bored just opening. I'm often gifted wine even though I've not drunk alcohol in at least a decade with these people (luckily not a sober alcoholic). I'd rather we bought ourselves gifts with the money we saved and open them together, I was going to suggest secret Santa wish list to family but that also seems at risk of deviations and disappointment.

Jibo · 02/09/2023 10:47

HadlowLandscapes · 02/09/2023 08:41

I notice some people have voted YABU and I'd genuinely love to have their input.
The thing is, although I have written in a slightly humorous tone, the honest truth is that I feel down and extremely hurt by it.

Voted YABU because your OP was overlong to the point of being unreadable, and appears to have been written by Chat GPT.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 02/09/2023 10:56

vdbfamily · 02/09/2023 09:03

I feel your pain. I however also have a problem with decent gifts as I don't need them and don't want to have to spend £25 back on those friends. We managed to negotiate eventually that we just buy for each other and not all the children, but I am not quite brave enough just to stop it. I have so many scarfs,shawls and throws, which are all beautiful but cannot possibly use them all. Maybe we just need to be brave and have the conversation, or set a £5 limit for a token gift.

Suggest that, instead of giving gifts, you all put what you’d spend on gifts into a kitty and save up for something fun (a cocktail class, the classic MN spa day etc.) that you can all do together.

FlamingoQueen · 02/09/2023 11:04

It’s time to say stop buying presents apart from big birthdays and they should be going out for a meal / spa etc.

PlantDoctor · 02/09/2023 11:08

I voted YABU because, honestly, you all just need to agree to stop exchanging these gifts! It's freeing, and doesn't mean you don't love each other

Hibiscrubbed · 02/09/2023 11:11

I’d rather nothing than a load of toot. I’m not unvocal about this. Still I got presented with a used Aldi hand cream, a tealight and an open bottle of garlic mayonnaise (?!) in a gift bag full of hair.

Bubop · 02/09/2023 11:13

Someone gave me Baylis and Harding set for Christmas for the first time last year. Knowing it’s reputation, I wasn’t particularly excited, but I actually really liked it 🤷‍♀️

I don’t exchange birthday or Christmas presents with friends though (apart from milestones). Why don’t you suggest a get together instead of gifts?

milveycrohn · 02/09/2023 11:13

Present for adults are a nightmare in my opinion.
I would hang on to the tasteless gifts and give them back next time (maybe keep a record of who gave it to you, and give it to someone else), or keep and give to a completely different person.

MrsDBaddiel · 02/09/2023 11:22

familyday · 02/09/2023 09:30

Implying you have to store Baylis and Harding rather than use it your house so it doesn't look like a budget hotel is horrid, it's just soap. I didn't find your writing style humorous but cringy. I think you wanted us all to say you have a great writing style and having to point it out yourself is a lot less classy than Baylis and Harding soap. Maybe your friends just find you insufferable and don't want to spend time on a thoughtful gift for you.

This, saved me writing it out.

OP, your writing style is pompous and off putting. You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are. Step away from the thesaurus and get some fresh air.

zingally · 02/09/2023 11:23

I feel you OP.

I love my best friend massively, but she's a bit pants at off-the-cuff gifts. For my last birthday, nearly a year ago, she bought me a bottle of alcohol which I don't even like. It's still unopened... I might try and gift it back to her!

I've tried suggesting we do something like a mutual meal out, or cream tea - an experience basically - but that only survived the one time.

vdbfamily · 02/09/2023 11:29

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 02/09/2023 10:56

Suggest that, instead of giving gifts, you all put what you’d spend on gifts into a kitty and save up for something fun (a cocktail class, the classic MN spa day etc.) that you can all do together.

That is a great idea 😊