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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To push my adult kids to live with their grandmother?

302 replies

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 16:41

Hi. Long story short, I am Indian. My DCs are 26, 23 and 18 respectively. Their father is my ex-husband. My ex-MIL was reluctant to approve of our marriage in the first place, because in our culture I am considered 'lower' born than their family. Ex-MIL comes from a 'high' class family, also she is from a wealthy background, her own father was a millionaire in India so she is used to getting her way.

Somehow she's been triggered to demand that all my DCs move back in with her at once. They live in a posh village, some miles out of town, big house fit for multigenerational living. She lives with my ex-husband and his new wife. I suspect the current drama is the meddling of the new wife.

She is starving herself until we agree with her terms. Two of my DCs live with me, the other lives independently. Their grandmother is cursing me for 'hogging' them all these years and basically thinks I'm scum. She has low blood pressure and ex-husband fears her life might be endangered if we don't agree sooner. She hasn't eaten for two days.

I've urged my DCs to move in with the other side for now. So their grandmother won't be in mortal danger. DCs are angry and reluctant to do so. They love their grandmother but think she is unreasonable. What to do?

OP posts:
StopMindlesslyScrolling · 01/09/2023 18:06

No, you can't appease her just for now; she's like a toddler having a tantrum to get their own way.

If you give in to her, all you're teaching her is that threats of starvation will get her what she wants and she'll spend the rest of her days manipulating you and her GC.

Most importantly though, listen to what your DC are telling you. They are adults who don't want to live with their grandmother, so they shouldn't have to, end of.

OhcantthInkofaname · 01/09/2023 18:08

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 16:41

Edit: We are not in India, this is Great Britain

They are adults and she is batshit crazy!

TripleDaisySummer · 01/09/2023 18:10

Most importantly though, listen to what your DC are telling you. They are adults who don't want to live with their grandmother, so they shouldn't have to, end of.

This - if her health really is in danger your ex need to get her medical help and get her mental health assessed as well - otherwise I'd stay out of it as much as possible.

HairyToity · 01/09/2023 18:11

Crikey. I'd let her starve herself. She sounds like a spoilt brat and complete drama queen. Leave her to it.

chmod777 · 01/09/2023 18:12

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/09/2023 17:44

If you give into this I bet the next thing will be arranged or forced marriages fir your DC and honour killings if they resist (semi joking on the past bit).

You can guarantee this won’t stop here!

I know Anglo Indian women who were forced into forced marriages and now divorced and to put it mildly don’t underestimate the emotional damage it can cause.

OPs MIL is being ridiculous, but so is the suggestion that someone is going to be murdered.

Tessisme · 01/09/2023 18:13

I can't believe anyone would encourage their own children to yield to this woman's ridiculous demands. I think it's a case of leaving her to her ridiculous hunger strike. As long as she's drinking fluids, she can probably manage quite a while without food.

Epidote · 01/09/2023 18:14

Your DC don't want to go don't encourage them to do it. They are adults they can choose their life. Your ex MIL is manipulative and she can carry on with her protest I'd she like. She is damaging herself because she wants. Full stop.

Nothing to do with you, your Ex or your kids. She is not Gandhi, she is an entitled old woman who want the things always her way. Don't allow her to coerce, manipulate or blackmail anyone of you.

JohnNolan · 01/09/2023 18:15

Your children are all adults & can live and do what they want.

What your exMIL does is up to her as she is an adult. If she is starving herself I suggest her son contacts her gp to let them know her mental health needs to be assessed.

I'd also have nothing more to do with any of them! And your children will probably follow suit

Batalax · 01/09/2023 18:15

This ridiculous. You won’t be responsible if she is really unwell. That’s on her, and her alone.
Please make sure your children don’t have that guilt. They should say no. It’s not their fault if she then goes on to hurt herself. That’s blackmail and shouldn’t be pandered to.

FlyingMonkeyNever · 01/09/2023 18:16

Indian or not, this woman is batshit. This is abusive behaviour and nothing to do with cultural values.
You and your adult children are not responsible for MIL deciding to starve herself to death in her manipulative attempt to get her own way.

You can’t force any adult to live with someone they don’t want to live with.

Are your adult children women by any chance? Sounds like she’s lining up her carers. If any of your adult children are men, she’s got her eyes on their future wives pandering to her as you had the good sense to divorce her son.

So, is your EXH’s 2nd wife refusing to cater to her every whim?
Are there any children from your EXH’s 2nd marriage?
Or any other grandchildren in the firing line?

autumncrisp · 01/09/2023 18:17

Cut out the cultural bullshit. Its not.about Western opinions or who's richer than who. Where's your maternal instinct? Where's your common sense?

This woman is a bully using her "culture" as an excuse to be a cunt.

Why on earth would you expect your children, irrelevant of age, to give up their own lives to go live with such a person? What possesses you to think it's their issue to jump to her demands?

She won't starve, and if she does tough. It's her choice, her decision. Nothing to do with anyone else.

Howlongwillthistake · 01/09/2023 18:17

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

But you're happy for your kids to be potentially mentally unwell by having to live with her?
She's still manipulating you even after your divorce.
Leave her tantrums to her immediate family I.e. her son and his new wife to deal with.

thdskdrggs · 01/09/2023 18:18

Sounds like a win win to me. I jest sorry...but seriously I wouldn't pander to that at all. I'd laugh in her face.

Coyoacan · 01/09/2023 18:18

You brought your children up in the UK though and no matter how perfectly Indian their homelife is, they are totally British.

I'm Irish living in Mexico and can see it with my children.

So, as adults, neither you nor their grandmother gets to dictate where they live.

SpanishSummer · 01/09/2023 18:18

If she ends up unwell it will be of her own doing. Put your children first, that is your job.

Whichwhatnow · 01/09/2023 18:18

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:04

Okay women/folks, can we suspend Western judgements for a while and appreciate she grew up in an entirely different culture?

The thing is, your ex MIL may be from a different culture but your kids will surely be largely anglicised. And this is just not a situation that is normal in the UK (or healthy, I would argue). My mum's family are from a different culture and her brother was sent to 'look after granny', for years. This has caused a massive rift, I've never even met my uncle, he doesn't talk to anyone in the family. No kid/young adult should be forced into a caring situation unless they want to. And certainly not with someone as manipulative as MIL sounds. You really need to take a stand for your young adult kids who should be finding lives of their own, MIL is not the most important one here.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 01/09/2023 18:20

No way is this real. What mother would try to get her kids to leave home purely to appease their mentally unstable exMIL?

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 01/09/2023 18:22

Hahaha ha, not a fucking chance. In fact id encourage them to go no contact from the manipulative idiot. Let her starve herself to death, it will be one less drama to deal with. 🙄

SD1978 · 01/09/2023 18:23

She's not in 'mortal danger' from anything other than her own childish actions. If she chooses to starve herself to try and manipulate adults, she's an idiot. As are you for trying to force adults to also capitulate to what she wants. Absolutely siding with your kids, and I can't believe you're trying to force them for a woman who dislikes you.

Uterusbegone · 01/09/2023 18:23

I'm sorry but if I was 26 and my grandmother was trying to insist anything about my living arrangements, I'd tell anyone pushing for it to get a grip. Frankly the hunger strike is just pathetic attention seeking

jlpth · 01/09/2023 18:23

Let her crack on and starve herself.

Ok there must be some culture here that I don’t understand - but threats of self harm to coerce adults into living with you don’t belong in any culture.

My ds has an 18yo friend who has a set of Indian grandparents and a set of white grandparents. His Indian grandparents (who did grow up in India themselves) buy him cinema tickets and love him. They don’t make threats of self harm Confused

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 01/09/2023 18:23

If you want to play along to exMIL’s
Pathetic demands and manipulation that’s on you. Please let you children be free of this emotional manipulation though.

No one dies because their adult grandchildren choose not to live with them.

BHRK · 01/09/2023 18:25

Why on earth would you go along with this?! Put your children first.
tell exMIL the answer is no. Te your children you are proud of them for knowing what they want

user1469908434 · 01/09/2023 18:25

Yes. Totally unreasonable. Plus, they are all adults, so not your decision.
Would you be encouraging them to stay with a future husband/wife who was threatening self harm to get their own way?

YellowReadingLamp · 01/09/2023 18:25

I've read a lot of crazy posts on Mumsnet over the years but this is RIGHT UP THERE.

If you encourage your children to go live with exMIL you are sending them the message that manipulative and potentially dangerous behaviour wields positive results. I would not be willing to do that. Let her starve herself. It's your ex husband's family's responsibility to put up with her outrageous behaviour.