Why do parents choose boarding school?

[Smeshier]

Obviously there are a few unavoidable reasons why parents send their children to boarding schools. But knowing what we do about child development, I’m so interested to know how parents justify sending their children to boarding school. Those that I know who do seem to do it for the prestige and a very narrow minded view of what it will do for their future (earn lots of money). I don’t understand why people who send their kids to boarding school ever had children. Can anyone enlighten me?

@HappyCatty @CurlewKate

My DH has never told his parents he hated boarding and was very badly physically bullied. He will take it to his grave. They are very old school- love him dearly, but uncomfortable feelings are there to be suppressed and success is highly prized. He is a people pleaser. They made it pretty clear (esp father) that boarding school was the making of the man. That's patently not true of all kids who board though. Most of my friends who did board, even those who enjoy it, won't send their kids, but mostly due to resources and wanting (and having jobs that make it possible) to see them more.

I don't judge those who go with what their child loves and wants/suits. I do judge those who try to mould their kids into a narrow view of what is successful and acceptable, whether they use boarding school to do this or not; this is absolutely not all boarding school parents, but those parents are overrepresented in boarding/private school parents (I see this as someone whose young kids go to a private prep), simply because some parents do seek a return on investment...

Aw, you sound like a lovely, caring daughter but I'm sure they'd have been proud of you even if you had decided not to board! I certainly am of my girl, and it certainly isn't dependent on her love of boarding because I couldn't care less if she boards or not! She's amazing in every single way (apart from when she's not! 😉) and I love her with all my heart and the poor child is made embarrassingly aware of that at every opportunity! 😆

I’ll bite.

DS termly boards. My only complaint is that he can’t board over the holidays.

DH and I have discussed the merits of sending our children to boarding school down the line. The end result was that they will not be going unless they are extremely gifted in something they cannot otherwise pursue. Even then, we would likely move to be closer to the school so that they wouldn't be doing overnights.

In cases of unstable housing, neglectful parenting, military, and severe SEN, I understand and would support boarding school. But otherwise, I don't think it's more beneficial to the child than a loving family home.

Except in the latter situation the child is living with a parent 100 per cent of the time, rather than living in a non family environment for a large proportion of it.

And you are not understanding what I am saying either. Yes it is right for her, but you are absolutely adamant that it isn't actually what she wants but she may not know until she becomes an adult which is something I absolutely refute. On behalf of my daughter and I am sure many others.

You literally said "Of course some children enjoy boarding. But it is often more complex than that. Some do lie-because it's important to them to please their parents, or to make the best of it, particularly in situations like service families where they can't see an alternative. Some are not lying but are so invested in the narrative that it's only in adult life that they might realise that it was a false narrative. Some never do realise it and those are the parents-usually fathers-who perpetuate the generational trauma.It'sortant to be clear sighted about things like this."

Which basically says, in simple words not psycho babble that some children say they like it but are either lying or conning themselves possibly for life or at least until adulthood and THEN they realise they actually hated it. There is no other interpretation of what you are saying.

I can tell you why my children went to boarding school...
Lived overseas completely funded by husband's company, had free housing, cars, maids you name it...and paid for education in all countries or boarding schools (we lived in 5 different ones)
Children decided of their own accord that they wanted the opportunity to attend a good British boarding school. So off they went. They came 'home' every holiday...again all flights paid for by company or we would back 'home' to see them (paid flights by company). Obviously we were affluent enough to still keep a home in the UK (since the company paid for all our life needs). The children had a fab time and great education, went to university and have very well paid jobs.
We are now all living back in the UK in a fabulous house and yes our children still love us, visit all the time and still come on holidays with us (which we pay for).
Husband and I came from proper working class families, both our dads were steel workers. I was the youngest of 5 and my mum died when I was 2. We literally dragged ourselves up. Husband's family a bit more 'normal'.
Husband and I met young and through hard work, had done well enough at our comprehensive schools that we managed to put ourselves through university after we were married. Both of us were the first in our families to go to university and we have since taken every opportunity to improve our lives and our families reap the rewards.
....now get your head out of your ignorant and arrogant arse.

That's a very balanced view, IMO. One thing I've always made clear to my DD is that boarding isn't mandatory, and if she either wanted to attend her current school as a day pupil (which is possible) or change schools to a London day school, that would be entirely fine and entirely her choice.

Mine boards because she has SEN and there's no school within a 200 mile radius that can meet her needs. It would be amazing if there was, but there isn't. So, I had to choose between her going there, or her killing herself. Three years on, I still miss her being here, travel up there every couple of weeks, sometimes just for the day, juggling work and my own life limiting illness.
So, wind your neck in OP and stop judging parents on things you know F all about!

@HappyCatty you persist in missing where I say "Of course some children enjoy boarding." I'm not sure how I could be clearer!

Because it is only in your more recent posts that you've changed your tune and said that you really meant that some children are genuinely happy. When actually you have repeatedly quite clearly said one way or another that it's more complex than that and although they may SAY they are happy that they are either lying or delusional and don't even know it... Insinuating that even those that seem and say they are happy, are actually not because you know better and we are all stupid for believing our children are happy and not lying to us.

But I give up and can't be bothered to argue with you anymore because you will just move the goal posts again in what you are saying.

@HappyCatty I said the same in every single post I made. But that's not what you want to hear, because you've decided what I think, so Carey on. So much better to discuss things in good faith-but up to you.

My DN went to private day school but after a few years asked parents if he could board as all his best friends at school were boarders, some international. He loved it and made loads of useful contacts there. He was never anything special academically and struggled at a very ordinary university but scraped through his degree. However, he is now mid 40's and earns multi 6 figures primarily due to his contacts and his networking ability which definitely comes from his boarding experience and the peer group he socialised with there.

Different reason entirely but our DD went to special needs boarding school from the age of 8. Not our choice at all initially but her needs were so great that specialised day schools couldn't cope with her. Best decision we ever finally made! Twenty years later DD has blossomed into an uber confident young woman who everyone adores despite her difficulties. She has a beautiful apartment in a wonderful managed centre for people of similar age and disabilities which thankfully now is very close to home and we now see her 4/5 times per week rather than the once per week when she was 2 hours away at boarding school. We have to fit in with her hectic social life these days.🤣 Wouldn't have it any other way.

In both cases - albeit very different reasons - boarding school was the making of two wonderful, capable people.

The above post actually makes me really uncomfortable - it underlines it’s not what you know it’s who you know. My poor state school educated child is busting a gut for straight nines at gcse and this proves it means nothing unless you have money.

Honestly, the replies here seem to fall into two groups - SEN and then a bunch of reasons as to why I’m wrong and judgy’ followed by a whole raft of excuses which honestly don’t add up to much. I’d totally agree that this post is goady and judgey but IMO, there is honestly zero reason nowadays to have to send your child away to be parented and I can’t say anything on here has persuaded me otherwise.

Really? The pp who posted about being in a boarding school in rural australia where schools are literally days away is no reason? Or people whose parents are in the Army?

You have a very narrow world view.

Yeah, given, there’s a couple other than SEN although personally I can’t fathom making those life choices that require that kind of life for a child.

I use the phrase open prison to describe a boarding school, having seen how much it damaged the few members of my family that went to one, and seen some at university.

There are some exceptions of course, but in my opinion it should be only for children in some military families and maybe the diplomatic service.

Well maybe I should get my gorgeous, well adjusted, happy, now grown up children to get back to you on that 😉

That is why I said from the parent's perspective - from the child's perspective yes that is different.

Have you experienced a boarding school in 2023?

I can promise you my DS’s school is nothing like a prison, open or otherwise.

I’m pretty sure that children who are sent away to school against their will would have equally miserable childhoods and the problems you claim - those parents were never going to be emotionally available to their children, whether they lived with them or not.

it’s a massive modern day social justice conundrum. But unis now have a private school application pile and a state school pile, and state school educated are given preferential treatment (extra points, priority places etc) to level the playing field in recognition of the relative disadvantage when compared to privately educated peers (none greater than now, post pandemic, where state schools lost the best part of a year of education but the privates were up and running on teams and zoom on day 1 of the first lockdown). It’s not enough but it’s a start.

The poster has already stated that her nephew got ahead AFTER uni though through the old boys network from boarding school. It wasn’t even about uni. He was entirely average and now earns big bucks through connections.

My husbands parents sent him to boarding school at eight as they didn’t want to parent him, he was cared for by a nanny in the holidays and they would usually make sure their own holidays abroad were during the summer holidays so they didn’t have to spend as much time with him. They’re currently doing the same with his little brother who is late primary age.

That’s an incredibly 1950s view 😂