Why do parents choose boarding school?

[Smeshier]

Obviously there are a few unavoidable reasons why parents send their children to boarding schools. But knowing what we do about child development, I’m so interested to know how parents justify sending their children to boarding school. Those that I know who do seem to do it for the prestige and a very narrow minded view of what it will do for their future (earn lots of money). I don’t understand why people who send their kids to boarding school ever had children. Can anyone enlighten me?

My parents said it was to have a steady UK based education when coming up exams (after being moved all over the globe every few months following my dads job)

The actuality of it was my mother didn't really want or like her children and found us unbearable when we reached our tween years. Also they had us very young so shipping us off allowed them to embrace the high society party lifestyle in the location they were living in at the time.

That being said I actually liked boarding school. I was already incredibly independent, because I had to be, and boarding school was a better environment than home as we were actually looked after fed/cared for. The house mother was the one the told me how to deal with periods and gave some sex education as my mother had been what she likes to call a 'free spirit' and social services would nowadays call 'casual and wilfully neglectful'

I don't think of the place fondly, but it wasn't terrible either.

My husband boarded. From age 7. He hated it, was utterly miserable there and he is emotionally scarred for life. I was initially so against boarding that I had an awful row with my FIL about it. But my husband is wise enough to see that times have changed, reasons have changed, schools have changed and not every child is the same. I spoke to MANY people about their experiences, some just 5 years away from boarding and some over 40, because oddly, despite me going to a local comp, I seem to have accumulated many friends of varying ages who boarded. Some hated it, some absolutely loved it. So, after many soul searching conversations and research we went down the route we did. Our daughter was and still is fully aware that she can withdraw at ANY time and without notice. She is an only child, has always been very independent, vocal and articulate in her opinions, even when I haven't agreed with them and I am in no doubt at all that she would tell me if she wanted to change her circumstances. She confides in me things that I know from reading on MN are things that sometimes children hide.

I am the first to say that for many children, boarding would be a disaster, and certainly isn't for every child, but why can people not accept that for some children and their families this is the preferred option for the child and that there is not necessarily some awful dysfunction either already present or forthcoming in the family.

No - as per my message about after school club, there’s a vast difference between day care to facilitate work and farming out a large swathe of a child’s upbringing to a school setting.

me and brother because parents wanted us to study in the UK. most students in my school who boarded were either with military parents or from overseas like me.

for me it was a good stepping stone (from Bangladesh so everything was done for me, couldn't even tie my own shoe laces or tie my hair) to the uni life.

I only know a couple of adults who boarded. They are both great people, lovely dads, successful etc. But both feel distant from their parents now and have said, ‘I don’t know how they could do that to us as kids’. They are friendly with their parents but definitely not emotionally close now they have kids of their own.

I also know two kids who chose to board at 16. At that age I think it’s fine.

I understand why people have to do it. But am so grateful that this didn’t have to happen for us and we have had a ‘normal’ loving and close family life under one roof.

I don’t understand why people who send their kids to boarding school ever had children.

This is so judgemental and stupid, OP. Just because parents send their child to a boarding school doesn't mean they love them in any less or want to get rid of them. They also do it for the betterment of the child. So change your ridiculous mentality.

I went to boarding school when I was 14 for 2 years and had the most amazing time. I learnt new skills, experienced things I would never have in my daily life, played sports I wudnt have dreamed of, lived in a scenic location, made life long friends, had excellent teachers and my personality blossomed incredibly.

My parents spent their hard earned money to give me a life changing experience and for that I am forever grateful.

Often people from a class and family background tradition of going to boarding school.

Even where there may be some negative impacts of being sent away to school, many people don't recognise those impacts in themselves - they focus on positive memories and feel they want their DC to share that experience.

Of course lots of parents will be very carerr/work focused and will value that it allows them to commit to their jobs.

I'm not farming out any of her upbringing. I'm bringing her up. Nobody else is. I'm the person she calls when she's upset about something. I'm the person she asks for advice. I'm the person she calls when she's done well in something and wants to celebrate it. We spend an hour talking every night when she's back in her room and can facetime me. I just don't cook her dinner every night or tuck her into bed (and I doubt many people tuck their 15 years old into bed).

I went to a boarding school. I chose to go there and it made my life so much better. And I am a better person for going. It definitely suits some kids, there's always loads going on and everyone is like a big family.

You literally don’t know what you are missing because you aren’t there. You only know what she chooses to tell you. You don’t have the benefit of seeing her body language, her immediate moods, her facial expressions, all of which teenage girls can try to mask even in plain sight, let alone when entirely remote from those who love them. With my teen, there are a lot of impromptu no questions asked hugs required and/or bedtime chats needed while she deals with the complex task of growing up. I can’t imagine she would ask a teacher (or ‘House mistress’) for that hug. Or that the hug/emotional closeness could be adequately replaced by a phone call.

You aren’t bringing her up while she’s boarding - the school is. they are legally and practically in loco parentis. You are bringing her up at weekends and in holidays, which means for a large chunk/the majority of her waking teenage hours, you are not. I wouldn’t want any other person or body being responsible for the majority upbringing of my children.

Are you saying that when your children go to Uni, you're not parenting them anymore? Because you'll see them less than I do my DD.

Whilst they will never stop being my children, they will be adults when they go to uni. It isn’t a comparable situation.

school children are children.

My boss has a child in boarding school. Both he and his wife are hugely successful in their careers but that comes with a cost - they are out almost every night for business dinners or events and travel internationally at least twice a month. Boarding school seems to offer her stability and routine. I guess the pay off is she is whisked away on fantastic holidays every time school is out.

I’m supportive of boarding schools for the right kids and when circumstances mean it’s the best choice but to compare nannies and boarding school is ludicrous.

Moreover most kids board from 11+ today so wouldn’t even have a nanny. It’s a stupid comparison.

DD is almost 16! Uni really isn't that far away, and boarding school at her age is a good stepping stone on the way to that independence, IMO.

You're acting as if I've never had her at home - she's been to day school, she was obviously with me all the way through lockdowns. I know what parenting feels like for both a boarder and a day pupil. Practically it might be a bit different, emotionally it's not, not for us anyway. Appreciate you might have different children, and a different parenting style. But this works very well for both of us. We're a very tight unit of two :)

Most kids don't board from 11+ at all, many boarding schools don't even start until 13. You don't know what you're talking about!

Well I know one person who is very bitter about being sent to boarding school, but it was three miles away from his home! Mother didn't work either. He hated it!! And no, no MH or health issues, she just wasn't a terribly interested mother.
But I know somebody who went to a boarding school on a chorister scholarship in one of the best schools for this who enjoyed it, but I suspect that's a bit like going to The Royal Ballet School-you have to be so committed to that career that you would really want to go.

This is a bizarre post.

What makes you think you wouldn't be as close if you lived together? Surely the opposite makes more sense.

And parents with children in state school know their friends (probably better because they are usually in eachothers houses several times a week), have access to their teachers and feed them their meals so know what they are eating, and they too watch them playing sport (shock, they even tend to take them there themselves!).

It's normal for adults to leave home, it's not normal for children to leave.

Boarding school is not leaving home.

@minipie I don't think it's worth bothering engaging with posters like that who fundamentally don't know a thing about boarding or why some children flourish when boarding.

A lot of people have answered the thread mentioning military families, DC with SEN where it maybe the only option, elite sports where its the only practical way to train, islands with no secondary school etc.

I thought it was clear from the op she wasn't asking about the why in those cases. More the example of the parent with a perfectly typical DC and stable mainland uk based home, where parents choose to send DC away to live at school for other, less necessity based choices.

Boarding school is not leaving home.

No but it is living away from your parents and being absent from the family household for most of the term.

It is not comparable to adults moving away from home, which happens when they are financially independent, working, may have their own partners.

A 12 or 13 year old is still dependent on adults, so its odd to many people that they would live away from parents or other family caregivers for much of the time. School house masters/mistresses etc have far less emotional connection and far more students to engage with than most parents so boarding school often means far less adult support, or support spread across more adults which means less of a deep connection.

Not sure that this is a thing with the Royals any longer. Kate and William have moved to Windsor. So, potentially George could attend as a day pupil.