Why do parents choose boarding school?

[Smeshier]

Obviously there are a few unavoidable reasons why parents send their children to boarding schools. But knowing what we do about child development, I’m so interested to know how parents justify sending their children to boarding school. Those that I know who do seem to do it for the prestige and a very narrow minded view of what it will do for their future (earn lots of money). I don’t understand why people who send their kids to boarding school ever had children. Can anyone enlighten me?

I don’t understand why people who send their kids to boarding school ever had children.

😂

I don't think you understand how modern boarding works for a lot of families. My DD15 boards, but she's home at the weekends (along with most of the UK based boarders at her school), and because she's spent all week with her friends, the weekends are very much family time, so we spend a huge amount of time together. Ditto the holidays - they are fabulously long, two week half terms, a month at Christmas, same at Easter, and two months in the summer. I travel a lot for work, but manage it so that I'm not traveling whilst she's on holiday - and we spend most of our time during the holidays together. And when she's at school, we FaceTime every evening so she can chat about her day, ask for advice, same as any parent/child relationship. It's very much still active parenting, she just happens to go to bed in a different location during the week in term times.

My friend sent their children to boarding school as their mum had early onset Alzheimer's. It was to protect them and ensure they had some normality. I think it was the right thing to do. They are really well adjusted adults now

Lots of people forget how rural some parts of the UK are. 45 mins to the nearest secondary and then not one you would want...

Many people were happy at boarding school and want their children to have the same opportunities.

If you have a particularly sporty of musical child there are great opportunities and, rather than ferrying them round to various extra curricular activities every evening, they can weekly board, have access on site and a structured routine in the evening of homework and activities.

Some parents work abroad and their companies subsidise fees. The army does this too and it means a child can access a private education on reduced fees.

Some families are chaotic. Little practical support, family members with additional needs, demanding jobs. Older children are able to make an informed decision if they are given the choice.

I haven't chosen it but I don't think it's fair to judge.

Both my parents went, one a military kid and the idea was consistency instead of moving every few years, hated it and faced abuse. The other had wealthy grandparents and was just expected to go because all the family did before, hated it, never bonded properly with family.
I have a friend that went because parents were very career oriented and worked long hours. He loved his school years but not close to parents, shakes hands instead of hugs.

I just don’t see how it can be in any child’s best interests to be ripped from their family and looked after for the majority of the year by people who look after them for money, not love.

Another one who doesn't understand how boarding works these days.

That's your failure of imagination. Why assume it's someone else's problem?

@WantingToEducate this isn’t about what is best for me, its about what is best for my child. I would like him at home, but that would sacrifice his happiness for my needs, and that isn’t happening.

It's generally accepted that boarding in some children can trigger MH problems.

School generally can trigger MH problems in some children and see the numbers of state educated kids on CAMH lists.
Parents who criticise boarding but use wrap around childcare are hypocritical.

There will be studies in the future linking the explosion in anxiety and MH issues to some childcare settings. Parents are as defensive of that choice as boarding parents.

MH issues are no respector of money, social status, or school. Those who are susceptible will get triggered somewhere and at some point in life.

It’s an interesting question because it’s not something I can imagine doing but I actually think both of my children would have wanted to do it if they’d had the option! And I think it would have benefited them both in very different ways. It’s not right for everyone, and I know some people who did well in boarding school, while others were quite damaged by it, but now with more years of parenting behind me I’ve definitely changed my opinion to be less hard line against.

I went to boarding school at 13 because I won a scholarship, meaning my fees were paid. The scholarship only applied to boarding pupils not day pupils so it was the cheapest option. It was the only way my parents could give me that education and opportunity. As it turned out, I absolutely loved it, I have nothing but amazing memories from school. I went home most weekends, normally taking my friends with me as my parents lived fairly close to the school. I’m an only child and have a fantastic relationship with my parents.

I boarded 16-18 at a school about 150 miles from home. This was at the end of the 80s. I was desperate to go as I had a very difficult relationship with my mother who had MH issues that she wouldn’t address as well as an alcohol problem.

it wasn’t terrible, I got a good education, but it was pretty lonely as I was a fairly bright fat kid.

In the case of my DNs because BS was the best and most practical way for them to engage in a sport that they are both extremely talented in and will likely participate in professionally in the future. They also wanted to board and my DB could afford it.

My neighbours daughter flexi boards as my neighbour is a single parent after being widowed and has to travel abroad for work.

I boarded and hated it but my parents thought I loved it. I went along with it as I liked making them proud but still cried myself to sleep every Sunday night (weekly boarder). I started enjoying it around aged 15 though, but mostly because I discovered cigarettes and alcohol and could get away with it at school.

Oh give over now! "Ripped from their family"... That's just hysterical hyperbole! 😂

Myself and others have tried to explain but you aren't really interested, you have already made up your mind that I'm an awful, uncaring parent who's child has been banished from the warm bosom of family to the paid care of cold hearted Mrs Trunchbull never to be spoken to from beginning to end of term.. If you saw the way the two house mistresses she has had greet her at the start of each new term, you'd perhaps understand that whilst of course they are being paid to do their job, it's also one they love and the girls (most of them) are like their own. I'm sure there are awful house mistresses and perhaps if my daughter had one, she would have chosen to leave. One of her house mistresses did leave a few years ago and we are still in contact with her and go and visit her so it's not all about the money!

Surely you understand that if a child is happy, thriving and loving life, then that's ALL that matters? She comes home every 3 weeks either for the weekend or end of term. It's not like she never sees us and we have a great time and also see wider family members. Surely you also understand that there are many children in day school who barely see parents due to after school wraparound care, working patterns or just disinterested parents who do nothing with their kids?

Every family is different and just because my child boards doesn't actually mean I spend less quality time with them than parents who physically see their kids every day... Have a think on that.

Meh.
Stay at home mums often don’t understand why anybody would send their kids to nursery/ get a nanny etc. Why have kids if you’re just going to get someone else to look after them and miss all the precious baby moments?

People who homeschool often don’t understand why anybody would send their kids to school. Why have kids if you’re going to send them to school for most of their waking life and miss out on all the fun bits of raising children.

Shock horror. People whose kids go to day school don’t understand why anybody would send their kids to boarding school. Why have kids if…?

Everybody parents and schools differently. Everybody makes different choices regarding what works for them. Just because somebody makes different choices doesn’t mean they don’t love their kids or shouldn’t really have bothered having them in the first place.

I genuinely believe if she was at a day school we wouldn’t be as close as we are. I wouldn’t know her teachers or who her friend groups were. At secondary school it’s seems they want very little parental involvement. It’s the total opposite at a boarding school.

@FrankUnderwoodsWife Are you serious?! Why on earth do you think you wouldn't know her friends at a day state school?! I knew all my DDs' friends, because they were round at our house, or I was dropping my DDs at theirs, or I was picking up the whole group of them after an event or evening out! I loved the latter, by the way, and being part of their excited chatter.
My eldest was super sporty so I was taking her to practices, giving taking her and some of her team mates to matches and watching her games/competitions all the time.
I knew her teachers, and I knew what she'd eaten because she told me!

I can't get over your post. It makes no logical sense at all.

But I COULD have sent her to the local comp. It's just had a pupil murdered there, by another pupil, but some parents don't have any other option... She would also have been bullied, like she was at primary school, but so are many other kids but their parents don't have any other option... Many children do brilliantly, even at poor schools, maybe my child would have been one of them. Many parents have to take the risk and hope for the best because they don't have any other option...

Yes, she does have specific needs that may or may not have been met by the local comp but we were lucky enough (saved very hard and made sacrifices elsewhere) to be able to afford to send her to the school we chose specifically to suit her particular needs. Because we wanted to try as best we could to ensure her happiness. Fortunately, so far it seems to be working.

I don't think there are any parents (or very, very few) who send their children to boarding school just for the hell of it, even if the children feel that it was the case. They all have specific needs, irrespective of whether you, or others, consider them worthy enough to pass your "specific" requirements. You have admitted that if there were specific reasons you may consider it for your own child, but how would you feel if someone felt YOUR reasons weren't good enough and you had to constantly justify them?

My DB went aged 7. Now that I'm a parent and as my kids get older, I find it harder to understand my parents' decision making. My DD is 8 and there's no way I could send her away.

DM justifies it by saying 'he wanted to go'. Yeah my DC want to eat sugary cereal every day, doesn't mean it's the best choice for them!

DB as an adult struggles with relationships. He's not quite estranged from us as a family but close to it. He lives a fairly nomadic and unhealthy lifestyle and we worry about him. I believe that a key factor in this is boarding school. Several of his classmates died young as the result of addiction or suicide.

Boarding school at a later age I think isn't as bad although personally, it wouldn't be for me. But 7 is way too young.

There is a vast difference between staying an hour after school to play netball/sport/activity in an after school club and being cared for entirely away from family for days/weeks on end. It’s farcical to compare the two.

No I'm not sure you get it. Small private schools are made up of 10 per class approx and two classes a year. You get to know everyone and everything going on.

I also don't think people on this thread get how modern boarding works. I posted earlier on so I'm not going back into it but this works for some kids and some families. Like state schools do for some kids but not for all of them.

Seriously why does it fucking matter so much why some of us decide to use flexi boarding, boarding or private schools!

DD went to a specialist music school from year 5 as there was absolutely fuck all provision for kids like her where she lived. Fully DFES funded place. Kept her going until I could move nearer when she was year 6/7 at which point she became a day pupil then rejoined the boarding set up year 9.

I’d be very interested to hear how the boarding school kids view their boarding school experiences in 10 years time.

my partner boarded. The description of being ripped from family is his. And he is not prone to being emotional or hyperbole. He didn’t have a bad experience at school at all but reflects that it was pretty devastating emotionally. In his words, he learned to be completely emotionally self sufficient from day 1, because he had to be. He hid it from his parents. It has had a lasting negative effect in many areas of his life.

many friends who boarded, for a variety of reasons, share these views. Many are in long term therapy still dealing with the emotional fall out. My partner won’t do therapy as he says it would open a Pandora’s box, when he isn’t sure of the content, and he would rather remain ignorant. Desperately sad.

Just because that was his experience doesn't mean it was everyone's. I boarded, and absolutely loved it. I have an exceptionally close relationship with my family, and I don't see any negative effects from boarding. And that was back in the day when you didn't come home every weekend, and we didn't have mobiles.

Boarding for my DD is very different now. She was given a choice - London day school or boarding not very far away (so that it was easy for her to come home every weekend). She chose boarding.

She's currently sat on my feet whilst we're watching a movie in our PJs. Don't see any issues with our relationship at all :)

Also interested to know whether you view parents who have nannies, or use child minders or nurseries when their children are young as having their children raised by strangers?