Why do parents choose boarding school?

[Smeshier]

Obviously there are a few unavoidable reasons why parents send their children to boarding schools. But knowing what we do about child development, I’m so interested to know how parents justify sending their children to boarding school. Those that I know who do seem to do it for the prestige and a very narrow minded view of what it will do for their future (earn lots of money). I don’t understand why people who send their kids to boarding school ever had children. Can anyone enlighten me?

The one I looked at for mine started at 11 (girls).

Well if boarding school isn't leaving home then neither is uni, with both you come home for the holidays. It's a ridiculous comparison anyway, one is about a child and another is about an adult.

I do know a family where both parents are very high flying long hours workers. They had a nanny when the children were younger, but for secondary they go to school on Monday morning and come home on Friday night. They wouldn't see their parents during the week anyway and have proper "family" weekends. It works well for them. I would seriously take issue with whether the hours they work is at all compatible with family life but that is another story. It works for them.

However, I would always be sceptical about the testimony of boarders and ex boarders about their happy experience. There is much emotional investment in the narrative.

Can you clarify what you mean? Sorry if I have misunderstood, but are you saying that every single person who says they were happy at boarding school is actually lying?

It's great that your daughter enjoys her school but your reasons are just weird.

I stand on windy, rainy pitches several times a week and every weekend, autumn - spring watching my daughter train and play matches.
I know all her friends because they are round at my house all the time and having sleepovers.
I know what she eats because we eat together. She tells me all the details of her day and what is going on with her friends in person.
Her school is very open and easy to contact and talk to teachers and there's an app which tells me about what she's doing every minute of her day there.

You don't like posters judging parents who send their kid to boarding school while having very strange views about non boarding!

My daughter boarded for 6th form. We live in the middle of nowhere and at the time I was looking after my elderly father who had dementia. Home was a bit difficult and not the quietest for study. Boarding seemed the best option for her. She enjoyed her experience and did well. She has said she would do the same for her own children.

What exactly is it that you think you know about child development that elevates you to a position where other people need to justify their parenting decisions to you?

A friend did it because

a) they both worked for the Diplomatic Service in some 'interesting' locations,
b) their eldest was found to be Autistic and if she stayed working in those areas, he would have access to the best education that money could buy for his needs funded without question,
c) she needed to have the status of an employee rather than spouse to retain that funding in the event of him deciding to divorce and marry his (latest) mistress.

Once both children were securely in school, she took a different post in another interesting country and left him.

No the OP didn't just say that. She also said why we bothered to have kids. It's a stupid and goady thing to post.

Flexible boarding may be no different from the parents perspective to having a 50/50 arrangement when parents separate?

@HappyCatty "Can you clarify what you mean? Sorry if I have misunderstood, but are you saying that every single person who says they were happy at boarding school is actually lying?"
No-that is neither what I said or what I meant. I would be sceptical because many children-and many grown ups- have a deeply ingrained desire to please their parents. And if they are told that this is what daddy did and how much daddy love it and how lucky they are to be with their friends and that there's enough money for them to have this wonderful opportunity then it's pretty hard to say "well, actually, I'd rather come home every night." They want to be grateful and live up to their parent's expectations. That's why it's a good idea to look behind the happy shiny face. Just to be sure.

My DS CHOSE to move to boarding school for 6th form.
He’s been there a year and loves it - loves the whole boarding house experience, loves being able to be with friends at weekends and after school. He has told us that he appreciates the independence it’s fostered in him, and that it’s stretched him in a way that staying at his old school wouldn’t have done.

He also loves coming home for exeats and holidays, so it’s a win-win.

He’s home every 3 weeks and we quite often see him in between times, either at school events or because we choose to spend the day with him. We chat all the time on WhatsApp, FaceTime him as and when etc.

TBH, he has a better work-life balance there than at his previous school, which entailed leaving the house at just after 7am and getting home after 5pm, often later, and a lot of time in the car travelling to extra curricular activities.

DD left for university at the same time, which was a huge emotional upheaval and I miss them both hugely, but they’re both happy and thriving.

Sometimes it's because they have a job that makes it the better option. For my army cousins, boarding school became the security for them because they moved so much.
Sometimes it's because it's safer. At uni I had a friend whose parents had worked in an area of the world which wasn't the safest and he'd boarded over that time.
Sometimes it's because they want to. Dd2 begged to be able to board after reading lots of stories. She didn't because we couldn't afford it, but much as people talk about people traumatised by boarding, I know a fair number (from various areas of life) who absolutely loved it and talk about boarding with happiness.
Sometimes it's because they boarded and loved it and want the same for their child.
Sometimes because it's a way of getting a better education for their child.
Sometimes it's because it's the best of a set of bad options.
Sometimes it's because that's what everyone around them is doing.
Sometimes because they have a specialism that they need training for that the local schools don't do.
And sometimes it's because they don't want to look after their child. I would suspect very rarely because it's a very expensive way of doing that; there's easier and cheaper ways of getting out of parenting, and they've still got to work out the extra long holidays too.
These sort of threads normally seem to be wanting the last answer. Which is odd because if anyone suggests that for someone putting their much younger child in nursery 8am-6pm then people jump on them.

Yes I always say I loved boarding, especially to my parents. I didn’t. Only recently have I told my dh this, won’t ever tell my parents.

Ah, but in as many words, you ARE saying that although they say they are happy they aren't actually. So what is that if it's not lying? Why then would several friends of mine who boarded tell me they enjoyed their time there when A) Their parents weren't there and B) I was clearly asking for the good, the bad and the ugly about their experiences. Or were they also putting on a "happy, shiny face" to me just to convince me to send my own daughter so she could be as miserable as they obviously weren't ?

And as for my daughter, she knows her dad hated being at boarding school, he has told her many stories about how horrible it was. She still chose to go. There has been the odd not-nice thing that has happened at school, mostly to her friends as she worries about them far more than herself as most teenage angst goes right over her head, she's very pragmatic, (as happens at EVERY school) and she has told me about them and we have discussed them. She STILL doesn't want to leave. And as I mentioned up thread, she is fully aware that if she were to ring me and say I want to leave right now, she would be leaving right now. I can tell by a one second look at her face on a WhatsApp call if she wants to tell me anything, good or bad, but within a minute, she's told me herself. Big things, little things, silly things, things that have happened to her friends that she doesn't know how to handle to help them, even when one of her teachers was upset and she wanted to know how to help.

And you can believe me, and her, or not. I am sure many children do put on a brave face. But why is it so hard for people to understand that there are children who DO love boarding and it is absolutely the right path for them?

I agree. I don’t think going to uni is leaving home. My uni terms were less long in total than the holidays.

As the mother of a daughter who boards, please can I ask why you didn't tell your parents you weren't happy? Did you not have a good relationship with them? Would they have made you stay anyway? Were there perhaps good reasons why they thought you had to board? Not that that diminishes your feelings at all, it's just that I cannot imagine any parent making their child stay boarding if they knew they were so unhappy? If they didn't know you weren't happy, then they wouldn't have known to do anything about it. Do you think they would have done if they had known? I know my daughter IS happy, and she knows she can leave at any time, but I would be horrified and really sad to think she couldn't tell me she was so unhappy.

@HappyCatty Of course some children enjoy boarding. But it is often more complex than that. Some do lie-because it's important to them to please their parents, or to make the best of it, particularly in situations like service families where they can't see an alternative. Some are not lying but are so invested in the narrative that it's only in adult life that they might realise that it was a false narrative. Some never do realise it and those are the parents-usually fathers-who perpetuate the generational trauma.It's important to be clear sighted about things like this.

@HappyCatty I'm sure your daughter is happy, and that you have given her an open free choice whether to stay. But I do think you are underestimating the complexity of children's feelings, the desire to please their parents, and their sense of powerlessness.

A man i used to know went to Eton and he was a removal man.

I said 'i bet your parents were overjoyed!'

And he said that 'they didn't mind. They just wanted me to be happy'.

I suppose that, when the day comes that he's had enough of being a removal man, he has plenty of options.

It's a bit weird that the OP hasn't come back.

The people I know who have sent their children to boarding school really love their children. They talk about them all the time. I don't recognise the descriptions of uninterested parents.

Many of the more well known boarding schools are extremely beautiful, with fantastic grounds and facilities. There's no comparison with even the most famous London day schools. I remember reading a memoir written by the old head of St Paul's Girls where she talked about how important an environment is for learning. Perhaps the parents feel good about having their children learn in beautiful surroundings. My old comprehensive was not bad but it was definitely not beautiful - a lot of the time we were taught in portacabins (we called them huts) which were freezing / boiling, uncomfortable and downright ugly.

@CurlewKate

So what you are really saying despite your careful wording is every single one of the millions of children who have ever been to boarding school are either lying or self-delusional and those that are delusional are going to end up as awful parents unwittingly propagating said delusion. Oh, please, come on! I shall tell my friends who have fond memories of boarding that some random on the internet knows that they are actually delusional and that all their happy anecdotes are actually figments of their imagination and that actually they were really miserable and need counselling. Even my friend who is in her 70's and has blissfully been unaware that she was utterly miserable all those years ago, despite what her memory is telling her. I'm sure they'll be very grateful for your clear sighted-ness on their childhood!

I am sure that every one of them had something they disliked about boarding. No-one is saying that it was all roses. But I imagine every child goes through something unpleasant, no matter how minor, during their school life. That's the same for day pupils too. I certainly did and I went to a comp. And in my daughter's case, I can absolutely guarantee that if she went to the local comp she'd be a lot more traumatised and in need of counselling in adulthood than she would be where she is.

But what you are saying is BOARDING is WRONG but it's okay if she needs counselling because she was bullied at day school because she was at home eating dinner with me every night. Righty-ho, I'll save myself a few quid, move her to the local comp and if she manages to survive I'll just use the money for counselling because sure as hell there'll be none available on the NHS in our area when the children at the local comp grow up!

Also, you have never met my child, I think it is YOU that is underestimating the complexities of children's feelings. She has absolutely no desire to please me when it comes to her schooling, nor does she feel powerless as I have raised her to be open and honest in all her communications. She ultimately chose this for herself, as do many others, and I support HER decision and will continue to do so. But if it makes you feel better, I have just told her that you think she'll need counselling when she grows up because she knows you better than I do. She is grovellingly grateful for your amazing insight into her mind.

Because I saw how proud they were that I liked boarding. At first they would tell all their friends that I was going to board with such a proud look, then that I loved it and was thriving there etc. I felt I’d disappoint them if I told them the truth. Let them down. And that I had to follow the ‘narrative’ of loving boarding.
There was no good reason for me to board, my sibling didn’t. And if I’d told them they wouldn’t have made me, but would have been disappointed I know. They were good parents though and I knew I was loved.
I’m sure your daughter is happy, it sounds like you have a good relationship. If it were me I’d make it clear that boarding isn’t a factor, you’d be equally proud of her if she didn’t board.

@HappyCatty "So what you are really saying despite your careful wording is every single one of the millions of children who have ever been to boarding school are either lying or self-delusional and those that are delusional are going to end up as awful parents unwittingly propagating said delusion."
No I'm not saying that. But honestly, I don't think it's worth you and me discussing this any further because you don't actually seem to be reading what I'm saying and you're just getting cross. I'm glad your daughter is happy. She's happy because she's in the right school for her. The fact that it's a boarding school is neither here nor there. It's right for her.