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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think weddings cost guests and bridal party too much?!

119 replies

Elaina87 · 31/08/2023 20:02

I am not married- in a long term relationship with 2 young kids. Plan to marry when either of us have the energy and it will be small, don't expect anything from anyone. If i had a hen do I'd just go local. I am mid 30s, most of my friends married in their 20s or very early 30s - I've not been to a wedding in over 4 years. I now have 2 friends due to get married next year, I am bridesmaid for 1 and I honestly can't get over how much this could all potentially cost me. I remember it being costly in my 20s but I was single with no bills. I am on maternity leave now on statutory pay so things are tight. The wedding i am a bridesmaid for, the hen do is in a very expensive abroad location next year - I have had to say I can't go, I cannot afford that in the next 12 months and will have a 1 year old. I'm sad I miss one of my best friends hen dos and she has seemed to take it very personally, but there we go, I simply can't do it. None of the other bmaids have kids. I've just had a message from another bmaid about a wedding present from us all - looking for us to chip in around £60 each. The wedding isn't for 16 months so feels ridiculous sorting it now and I could do without it. I will be back at work by then so have more to spare but not right now. The other wedding is in France early next year- again have had to say we can't go, can't afford it and would mean taking precious time off work and not having a family holiday next year. The hen do will be UK based, I will probably go but it will likely still be costly as it'll be a weekend away. AIBU to think when someone is getting married it shouldn't cost everyone else so much?! Hen dos, stag dos, abroad locations, gifts! I know its a special day and I am happy for them, would like to be supportive.....but it's too much.

OP posts:
CyberCritical · 31/08/2023 20:09

I agree and think it's incredibly rude and entitled to expect people to spend huge amounts of money on your wedding. I just wish more people were willing to say no rather than stretch themselves and get into financial difficulty.

HarrietStyles · 31/08/2023 20:38

I’m so glad myself and all our friends got married 10-15 years ago. The expectation to bankrupt yourself getting married and attending other’s weddings has gotten insane in the last few years. If you can’t afford it, just politely tell them that - a true friend will understand.

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/08/2023 20:41

I miss the days when you went to a local restaurant, on to a nightclub for a bit of dancing and then a taxi home....

CyberCritical · 31/08/2023 20:46

Yep @MrsMoastyToasty !

Mine was me and a group of female friends, we met in town in the evening after everyone had had dinner, then went from bar to bar getting progressively more drunk, ended in a cheesy club where much dancing and fun was had. It cost everyone as much as a normal night out, so 17yrs ago that would have been about £30-50 (depending on who had and who hadn't snuck a small bottle of vodka in their bag).

Curseofthenation · 31/08/2023 20:51

I agree that it's ridiculous. I felt bad having a wedding an hour's drive away and that was only 4 years ago! We had no choice as DH and I are from different counties, so people would always need to travel.

WasserUndBrot · 31/08/2023 20:55

There is no law dictating size or dress code on weddings. We had ours at a hotel followed by a meal with immediate family and drinks with friends. We picked up the bar tab and bought everyone dinner. We didn’t have a dress code and we asked for no gifts.

maddening · 31/08/2023 20:55

Mine didn't cost my guests much at all - it is possible even today but a lot of people have lost sight of that.

Merryoldgoat · 31/08/2023 20:55

My hen was a day thing and cost £35 and a bottle of Prosecco.

My wedding was local and I provided all booze free of charge.

It probably seemed less fancy than many weddings but it was massively fun and informal and cheap for my guests.

roseopose · 31/08/2023 20:58

I agree. BIL wedding we shelled out about £1000 on, and I declined the hen do which didn't go down well but it was a long weekend abroad and we were saving for a house and not on massive incomes. DP went on the stag which was about £4-500 and it was a UK one. Then we were told we had to stay at a specific hotel which cost a lot per night, we were also instructed to stay for 2 nights. Then DP as an usher was instructed to buy a royal blue suit and brown shoes - he got a cheap one but was still about £100. He's not worn it since. Any resistance was met with 'but it's our special day'. I think it's really unreasonable of people to expect their loved ones to put so much money towards attending a wedding when they have their own priorities and things they want to achieve in life. We didn't give them a wedding present which is no doubt a total social faux pas but we just couldn't afford it.

QueSyrahSyrah · 31/08/2023 20:58

I agree. Our wedding was local to us, some people inevitably had to travel as not all of our friends and family live here, but did not begrudge anyone saying no (inc one of DH's siblings).

We paid for as much as possible on the day to reduce extra spend (transport there and back, plenty of drinks, made it clear the dress code was simply 'summer party' so nothing special or new required).

I've chosen to travel abroad to weddings when one or both of the couple are from that place, but I don't do abroad hen parties and I wouldn't do a 'destination' wedding that was abroad just because. I've gone to one before and resented every penny, tbh.

Hufflepods · 31/08/2023 20:58

Your friend is allowed to get married in France and you’re allowed to decline.
It’s as simple as that.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/08/2023 21:01

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/08/2023 20:41

I miss the days when you went to a local restaurant, on to a nightclub for a bit of dancing and then a taxi home....

But what's local to you isn't necessarily local to friend's, so then its an overnighter just for a quiet curry so then its well ok we need to do something more special. And no one wants to turn up at 6, get changed on the hotel and be in bed for 11pm then leave at 9am so you end up adding stuff in before and after and then suddenly....

PattyDuckface · 31/08/2023 21:02

Agreed, it's totally preposterous and so self absorbed. Have a doo that is where you live not in Italy, unless you live in Italy.

Do people not ever catch themselves in the mirror planning these big wedding events that are going to cost everyone thousands to attend and question their sanity?

PattyDuckface · 31/08/2023 21:03

Also I don't want my annual leave and my holiday budget spent on attending other people's weddings.

Era · 31/08/2023 21:03

I agree. My DSis’ wedding cost us about £1500. Hen do, hen do gift, cost of outfits, wedding present, drinks, travel cost, hotel room, taxis etc etc

Noodledoodledoo · 31/08/2023 21:04

I think its more about the people organising things and . I had a hen night in London - was a night away but I had people from all over the country so this was the easiest option/most central.

I paid for everything for bridesmaids, except ones shoes as she demanded designer ones, my other two bridesmaids wore shoes from next that could be worn again. One who demanded designer shoes ended up not being a bridesmaid due to other issues!

Venue rooms were about £50 a night, wherever we would have had it would have meant travel for all as DH from the midlands, I am from the SW, we live in the SE!

Justhereforaibu1 · 31/08/2023 21:05

Sorry its up to the bride what to have as a hen do in my opinion within reason. If you can't afford it fair enough but she's the bride.

MannekenP · 31/08/2023 21:08

SleepingStandingUp · 31/08/2023 21:01

But what's local to you isn't necessarily local to friend's, so then its an overnighter just for a quiet curry so then its well ok we need to do something more special. And no one wants to turn up at 6, get changed on the hotel and be in bed for 11pm then leave at 9am so you end up adding stuff in before and after and then suddenly....

Show quote history

That's true but anecdotally speaking most of the do's I've been invited on were unnecessarily over the top. 'Most' people were from a similar location but involved going away to the other side of the country or even abroad!

My hen-do was a 3 day European trip but it was 4 people and we used to go away together anyway so it was just another one of those trips. Otherwise, it would've been just an afternoon tea where most of us lived.

I don't think the 'event' is an issue, just the expectations. If your hen-do group was like us fair enough. But people try to have these big do's and mash together people whose financial situations/willingness to do things they don't know!

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 31/08/2023 21:08

I agree. I recently went to a BYOB and bring a dish wedding. It was a church wedding and then food and drink (which the guests provided) in the church hall. B&g only provided teas and coffees! About 200 guests. FFS. Have a smaller wedding and feed everyone!

I only went because of family politics. Long story.

Worst of all, everyone overcompensated with how much food they brought and so much was thrown away.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 31/08/2023 21:09

Posted too soon... and it was in the middle of the week!!! 250 miles away. That was 3 days annual leave each for dh and I.

readbooksdrinktea · 31/08/2023 21:09

Agree. They can do what they want. I rarely go. It's too much money. The last wedding I went to was a huge, expensive production. It lasted six years. She's planning the third one for next year.

Nuts.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 31/08/2023 21:10

Justhereforaibu1 · 31/08/2023 21:05

Sorry its up to the bride what to have as a hen do in my opinion within reason. If you can't afford it fair enough but she's the bride.

🤔the flaw in your logic is that the bride can decide what the hell she likes, but if all her guests decline she won’t have much of a party will she?
what does the bride want? A fancy location with instagram opportunities or the company of her mates that haven’t been plunged into debt and are having a carefree , fun, relaxed time 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Zigzagga · 31/08/2023 21:13

I went to 4 hen do's and 5 weddings last year. Cost me between £300-700 for each one....I was on mat leave and it decimated my savings. I like weddings but tbh hen do's are just not that fun, I always find them a weird vibe with the mixing of all the different friendship groups. Promised myself I wouldn't do it again so now I say no to hen do's and ys to weddings only if in the UK!

Grumpy101 · 31/08/2023 21:14

I just said no to a hen do that was about to set me back 2k at least. Hen insisted she wanted a really fancy and expensive hen do that also required 2 days off work. Everyone declined one by one. She now has no hen do because she doesn't see the point in a local one. Fucking self absorbed twat.

hereagain99 · 31/08/2023 21:27

We got married a month ago. I am not from the UK and the wedding was in the UK. My family stayed in our house and my in laws had to book 2 nights in a hotel as my partner is from another county to where we live. My in laws completely understood that my family where staying in our house. We went to sign to the registre office and then back home for a party in the garden, we have a big garden. Guests were told not to give us any presents/money as we knew everyone had to pay for accommodation or flights. Some people still gave us presents or money but it was their choice and there was no expectations to get it. Food and drinks were provided and we all had the best time ever. We still have drinks left over from the party. No dress code either for anyone. My brother wore jeans and trainers which I loved because it is just him. Everyone has said that it was the best wedding they have been as it felt more like a party than a wedding and it was very relaxed. Just what we wanted, everyone having a good time and sharing it with us. There were lots of children too and throughout the ceremony we could heard them giggling which was lovely. I could not have imagined a childless wedding, it would have felt wrong for us.

Our youngest DD sat on me throughout the ceremony even when we were signing which was lovely and very special. Iur eldest DD was a witness and she was so excited. We loved it, best day ever. We spent just under £2500 and it was worth it.

We didn't do hen or stag party, we couldn't see the point. We have been together for 20 years.

We will have another similar party when we go to where I'm from to celebrate with my friends that couldn't come because it was too expensive for them. We completely understood and they were involved in a different way anyway.

It is possible to do it but it depends on expectations and what people think about a wedding should be. For us it was to share our special day with people we care for.

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