To think weddings cost guests and bridal party too much?!

[Elaina87]

I am not married- in a long term relationship with 2 young kids. Plan to marry when either of us have the energy and it will be small, don't expect anything from anyone. If i had a hen do I'd just go local. I am mid 30s, most of my friends married in their 20s or very early 30s - I've not been to a wedding in over 4 years. I now have 2 friends due to get married next year, I am bridesmaid for 1 and I honestly can't get over how much this could all potentially cost me. I remember it being costly in my 20s but I was single with no bills. I am on maternity leave now on statutory pay so things are tight. The wedding i am a bridesmaid for, the hen do is in a very expensive abroad location next year - I have had to say I can't go, I cannot afford that in the next 12 months and will have a 1 year old. I'm sad I miss one of my best friends hen dos and she has seemed to take it very personally, but there we go, I simply can't do it. None of the other bmaids have kids. I've just had a message from another bmaid about a wedding present from us all - looking for us to chip in around £60 each. The wedding isn't for 16 months so feels ridiculous sorting it now and I could do without it. I will be back at work by then so have more to spare but not right now. The other wedding is in France early next year- again have had to say we can't go, can't afford it and would mean taking precious time off work and not having a family holiday next year. The hen do will be UK based, I will probably go but it will likely still be costly as it'll be a weekend away. AIBU to think when someone is getting married it shouldn't cost everyone else so much?! Hen dos, stag dos, abroad locations, gifts! I know its a special day and I am happy for them, would like to be supportive.....but it's too much.

I had a night out with about 8 or 9 friends, we all paid for our own meal. Then had a register office wedding with 9 guests, best day ever, no stress whatsoever.

Ours was a local restaurant, it seems the thing these days to have multiple events and it being a mass performance, last one was great at a hotel though

I agree with you, although your examples are quite extreme (to me anyway!) in terms of the cost involved. I wouldn't begrudge the cost of attending a 'normal' wedding in the UK. Your friend sounds unreasonable about the hen.

👏 for ducking out of the expensive hen do. If only more people would just say, sorry, but it’s too expensive, maybe they’d stop being such a Thing.

I feel for people who attended loads of these expensive things when younger and when it's their turn to get married then everyone has kids so says no I can't afford it sorry, even though that bride has spent thousands over the years!

BUT I also think you should only do an abroad hen if it's a group and place you'd actually go on holiday with/to if invited - eg for me that would be Ibiza with my friend and 5 other girls I know well and enjoy nights out with - yes! A really expensive cottage weekend in Scotland with a friend whose friends are all boring and they like murder mysteries and fishing - no thank you!!

I would never do the expensive group present as only the organizer gets 'credit' just say you're doing your own but thank you.

I also think it's a good idea to clarify bridesmaid expectations before agreeing to be one. I've pulled out before which really upset a bride but I just couldn't do it - the expensive dress and the expectation of hugely expensive abroad hen- I would have fallen out with her if I'd gone ahead, in fact she did fall out with two of her bridesmaids around the wedding!

I also think anyone hen do ing oe marrying abroad should also host a causal and local celebration for those that can't afford to travel.

IF that bride has paid out a lot for those ladies hens then I would feel sorry for her

I'm in two minds about this. I think anyone getting married can celebrate exactly how they want. If you can't afford it or don't want the expense then don't go.

I do think it's unreasonable to be openly upset when people can't attend though as that's not fair! I declined a hen invitation when on maternity and it really affected our friendship.

Agreed but personally I would rather have my fiends there than a fancy location that some won't be able to afford. I am actually a bit upset that location was more important to her.

I've never been to any non-family destination weddings, and the only ones I've been to are family who had a reason to have it in another country (ie most of their immediate family are there). I don't understand why anyone would have a destination wedding for any other reason, or unless all their friends and family could easily afford it.

DH wanted a country wedding and we ended up with one about 2 hours from home in London and I was insistent it shouldn't cost guests, especially my mates who were penniless arts and humanities grads! So we put on a coach to make sure people could come, and present list had several options under £20. Stag/Hen was a narrowboat party that was BYOB, we bought the food and it cost everyone about £15 for boat hire. I don't also don't understand how some people don't manage to think through the cost implications for the people they'd like to come, sometimes even people really close to them.

Well this is it... do what you want but to also have the expectation of people to drop or sacrifice other things to be able to come, is unfair. And to feel offended or take it personally is ridiculous.

Thanks! I'm a bit upset that location was more important to her tbh (i didn't say that though) and that she took it so personally when she knows I can't physically afford it. We are fine and she has got over it, but I was embarrassed having to say money was an issue and was then made to feel even worse for letting her down!

Interesting, you see all my friends weddings over the years have been like this - I agree they feel extreme, but I am not sure what counts as "normal"!

Agreed. I am only saying no now it's actually impossible for me at this point in time!

Weddings in general are obscene, bloated exercises in narcissism. I've been to two or three really special, lovely ones but as a rule they are a carnival of self-indulgence, selfishness and overspending justified on the basis of "but its my special day!". I've always found the culture around them absolutely grotesque.

In theory it's a nice idea and something everyone should want to be part of but its the awful mission creep of expectations. What starts as "shall we go away somewhere nice and impromptu for the hen," turns into "but you MUST make a £300 downpayment on a tacky hotel in Barcelona this week and I don't care that your rent is overdue." And you're on a WhatsApp thread with 12 other randoms, one of whom is a complete control freak and demands that everyone chip in for some hideous matching accoutrements.

And then fast forward a few months and suddenly you're being expected to care about pictures of identical table settings for the buffet which the bride's dad is spending £20k on. And then a long and boring discussion about who is sharing a lift with whom and what services you will buy your lunch on off the M4 and who will take what kit with you. And what shoes you will wear and all ridiculous bits of clothing which people only wear for weddings and then throw away.

And the whole thing lasts eight hours, the food is gross, the speeches are tedious and the music's rubbish.

Yes I'm a joy sponge and a cynical bitch and divorced. It works for me.

Yes they are expensive. Went to a wedding this weekend. First one in ages. Cost us a fortune.DH's cousin. 200+ miles away. We are close to them despite distance.

Stag do - Portugal - guess £300-£400ish but unsure

Air BnB for us to stay in - £600 (we did stay 3 nights because it was the bank holiday but we needed at least 2 anyway because of distance)

new outfits for kids - £80

I didn't buy a new outfit but brought a second hat hat off EBay! £18

Gift - £150 (we gave more to his brother when he got married but for that wedding the stag do was cheap and the accommodation was free!)

Fuel - £70

So over a grand.

I agree it’s become ridiculous. The only wedding abroad I’ve attended was my sister’s and I made a holiday out of it. I missed my best friend’s hen do because it was abroad and I couldn’t afford it in time or money.
My own wedding was at a local church and then a local hotel. The only people it cost a lot for was my husband and I. I bought my bridesmaids outfits and got their hair done (all young so no make up). We had all of our closest friends and family there and most of our guests were home within half an hour of leaving. All that was required of guests was their presence; it was the best day.

Best Hen do I ever went on was a meal in an Italian restaurant in our local city centre, followed by dancing at a bar/club afterwards. No overnight stay, no dress code, could order the cheapest thing on the menu and still be part of the fun.

It was so refreshing not to have to take time off work, or traipse to the other end of the country to sit in a hot tub, or dress up, or go through an airport or bloody bankrupt myself.

Yes I agree, a close friend is getting married in December, it has cost me around £500 between a weekend away hen do (plus copping in for the bride)
Outfits for me and DC.
Taking a day off work unpaid
And the gift.
I'm now worried sick about money this side of Christmas but what can you do? It's their special day 🤷🏽‍♀️

I'm glad I got married about 100 years ago!! 😜

I had three hen do's. One in my home city, one very tame meal out with my two BFFs (one of whom was pregnant so a lovely meal in Langan's bistro (the main excitement being that the poll tax riots were raging not that far away!). 3rd with two work colleagues in London (not sure where we went but it could have been Langan's Brasserie or TGIF?? None of them were massively costly.

I think the amount of money spent on weddings and all the events surrounding them are actually obscene! My kids have been well warned!

My nail tech is spending £28k + on her wedding. Am I the only one who thinks that's a massive amount of money for one day?!!

DH and I are going to a wedding next week. I've known the groom for 30+ years - he is DH's best friend since childhood, though the contact between them has been sporadic over the years. As things have happened, I've never met the bride. I only just found out she has two grown-up children, and the groom has one child from a one night stand (I always thought wife to be was child's mother, but apparently not!). Friend has never met our adult children either.

I'm not going to know a sinner at the wedding bar the groom. There might be a couple of people I will know at the evening do.

I am wearing a dress I had already bought and not worn, and sandals the same. Am borrowing a bag from my DD.

The groom is nearly 60 and has never been married before. His parents are religious which has been an issue over the years. His dad is a retired professional and his mother comes from a moneyed background.

Please wish me luck lol!!

My friend had a joint wedding with another friend of hers. They got married in a registry office then blew a lot of money on the party. There were 4 different bands, magicians, food and drink for days. They prioritised their guests enjoyment over everything else.

You say no, you tell her how happy you are that she's getting married, how much you want her to have an amazing Hen Do and Wedding, you buy a gift that you can afford for the wedding and you explain that you can't afford the weekend away for the loss of annual leave.

You don't put yourself in a position where you're worried sick about money to attend someone else's party, and if they are a close friend they should fully understand and accept that.

I would never go to a abroad hen or wedding
i think anyone who expects people to shell out ££££ for their wedding is self obsessed

And if people decide they don’t want to spend so much money that is their choice

It absolutely is a licence to print money.

I al mid 40's and We get married next year, we have been very careful to keep costs down. My bridesmaids have offered to buy their own dresses although this hasn't been agreed yet as I feel we should buy them. We are ordering from ever pretty and then are about £55 each.

We considered going away but we decided costs are too expensive. So we are local, I have shut down anybtalk of expensive hen dos etc and suggested we go for a meal and a few drinks.

We have stated no gifts because weddings are expensive enough for people. The hotel rooms are reasonably priced but we have given a range of alternatives locally for those who can't afford it. We have also offered for a particular family for whom we know money is tight to have our house overnight to help save costs.

Regardless though, you are given an invite which you can decline for any reason. What is completely unreasonable is for brides to be pissy about it if you do have to decline.