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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think weddings cost guests and bridal party too much?!

119 replies

Elaina87 · 31/08/2023 20:02

I am not married- in a long term relationship with 2 young kids. Plan to marry when either of us have the energy and it will be small, don't expect anything from anyone. If i had a hen do I'd just go local. I am mid 30s, most of my friends married in their 20s or very early 30s - I've not been to a wedding in over 4 years. I now have 2 friends due to get married next year, I am bridesmaid for 1 and I honestly can't get over how much this could all potentially cost me. I remember it being costly in my 20s but I was single with no bills. I am on maternity leave now on statutory pay so things are tight. The wedding i am a bridesmaid for, the hen do is in a very expensive abroad location next year - I have had to say I can't go, I cannot afford that in the next 12 months and will have a 1 year old. I'm sad I miss one of my best friends hen dos and she has seemed to take it very personally, but there we go, I simply can't do it. None of the other bmaids have kids. I've just had a message from another bmaid about a wedding present from us all - looking for us to chip in around £60 each. The wedding isn't for 16 months so feels ridiculous sorting it now and I could do without it. I will be back at work by then so have more to spare but not right now. The other wedding is in France early next year- again have had to say we can't go, can't afford it and would mean taking precious time off work and not having a family holiday next year. The hen do will be UK based, I will probably go but it will likely still be costly as it'll be a weekend away. AIBU to think when someone is getting married it shouldn't cost everyone else so much?! Hen dos, stag dos, abroad locations, gifts! I know its a special day and I am happy for them, would like to be supportive.....but it's too much.

OP posts:
tinytemper66 · 01/09/2023 07:32

You can do it cheaply re the hen/stag do. My daughter in law to be had an afternoon tea in my house and one will be afternoon tea in a hotel. My son went to Prague with 2 friends.
The wedding will be paid for by them and we have made a small contribution.
The only real expense for me was my outfit. I did spend quite a bit of money on it. That was my choice and didn't affect anyone else.
Do what you want to do and enjoy.

LegoCatLikesTuna · 01/09/2023 07:32

If you've lived in the same area your whole life and all your friends and family live there, then of course you can have a cheap hen/stag do down the local pub.

But most of my group of friends are from uni, and they ended up all over the country and some abroad. It simply isn't feasible to have an evening only stag/hen if many people have to travel several hours just to all be in the same location, it has to be overnight and usually over a weekend in order to allow everyone time to get there.

But I agree that you don't have to be booking expensive hotels, and activities.

AgentJohnson · 01/09/2023 07:36

Wedding invitations are just that, invitations and not summons. I choose which invitations I want to accept and decline the ones I don’t. I understand how frustrating it must be when people are so wrapped up in their own self importance that they you expect to shell out for their ‘moment’ but acquiring a thicker skin will save you thousands.

Berlinlover · 01/09/2023 07:39

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/08/2023 23:06

Weddings in general are obscene, bloated exercises in narcissism. I've been to two or three really special, lovely ones but as a rule they are a carnival of self-indulgence, selfishness and overspending justified on the basis of "but its my special day!". I've always found the culture around them absolutely grotesque.

In theory it's a nice idea and something everyone should want to be part of but its the awful mission creep of expectations. What starts as "shall we go away somewhere nice and impromptu for the hen," turns into "but you MUST make a £300 downpayment on a tacky hotel in Barcelona this week and I don't care that your rent is overdue." And you're on a WhatsApp thread with 12 other randoms, one of whom is a complete control freak and demands that everyone chip in for some hideous matching accoutrements.

And then fast forward a few months and suddenly you're being expected to care about pictures of identical table settings for the buffet which the bride's dad is spending £20k on. And then a long and boring discussion about who is sharing a lift with whom and what services you will buy your lunch on off the M4 and who will take what kit with you. And what shoes you will wear and all ridiculous bits of clothing which people only wear for weddings and then throw away.

And the whole thing lasts eight hours, the food is gross, the speeches are tedious and the music's rubbish.

Yes I'm a joy sponge and a cynical bitch and divorced. It works for me.

This is the most sensible post I have ever read on Mumsnet. I agree with every single word.

Evaka · 01/09/2023 07:40

Good on you for declining the things you can't afford. If the bride is being pissy about it, that's just a poor reflection of her.

Colourfulponderings · 01/09/2023 07:40

I think it’s okay to do those things.

It’s absolutely not okay to be offended or put out when someone chooses not to come though.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 01/09/2023 07:44

I agree. We'd been engaged for ten years because I was out off by the cost but in the end I had 9 people at my hen do and it was a meal and drinks in Birmingham. The wedding was registry office with party in social club, band was a cousin's band and no dj. Street food for the wedding breakfast. Everyone seemed to enjoy it and although I've not properly added the cost it was probably about 5k. We didn't have a present list but most people have us presents, vouchers. Money.

usernother · 01/09/2023 07:46

Absolutely agree. One of the reasons we had our wedding in a central location that was easily accessible by public transport and taxis. Didn't want guests to have any unnecessary expenses.

MrsKarlUrban · 01/09/2023 07:51

It's up to the bride what she does but it's the lack of empathy if someone says they can't do it/afford it. I've had to say no to hen dos abroad and friends have never been the same afterwards.
To people saying just say no, well I thought I could as we were such good friends and thought she'd understand, she didn't and now we're just acquaintances 😢
It seems to be the way with everything now, everything over the top and if you don't do absolutely everything you're classed as not a good friend

Pottedpalm · 01/09/2023 08:03

@Thepeopleversuswork
Just don’t go, I doubt they will miss you.

Sceptre86 · 01/09/2023 08:09

It's their wedding but you can make it clear from the outset that you wouldn't be able to go to a wedding abroad or would struggle with an expensive hen night. I think sometimes the bride and groom can forget that if you are asking people to come to your wedding then at the very least you have to feed them, appreciate that certain family members may have to travel more than others, take more annual leave and may decline for that reason.

Nottodaty · 01/09/2023 08:12

We had no stag/hen parties & a very simple wedding with a buffet after. This was due to lack of money and wanting to save up for a house deposit. But that was our choice. Most of our friends are /were in a similar position so had very similar weddings.

Only one had a destination wedding and stag/hen aways. They didn’t put any pressure on people and paid for themselves. They also had a joint one in the local pub for everyone so inclusive for people who couldn’t go to ceremony. And she was chuffed as she got to wear her wedding dress again!

CaramelMac · 01/09/2023 08:13

I specifically didn’t want our wedding to cost our guests too much so we only had one bridesmaid and best man each and we paid for their outfits and accommodation and we picked a venue near a premier inn, luckily it was being repainted at the time so only cost the guests £30 a night! And we kept the hen and stag local.

ssd · 01/09/2023 08:21

Weddings are a pain in the arse. They are only special to those very close to the bride and groom. For everyone else its an expense you just don't need. All the faff, time off and expectation you are delighted to spend so much money and energy on people you like but wouldn't necessarily give your all to, is just too much. And they never see it, its all about them and their big dream day.

Sigh. I'm hoping my kids elope.

ssd · 01/09/2023 08:22

And hen dos, what a lot of rubbish.
Whats it for??

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/09/2023 08:31

Pottedpalm · 01/09/2023 08:03

@Thepeopleversuswork
Just don’t go, I doubt they will miss you.

I don't and they don't. Haven't been to one for ten years, praise the Lord.

Backagain23 · 01/09/2023 08:32

I'm in a WhatsApp group for STB SIL hen next year and it has suddenly sprung back to life now the MOH is firming plans up for the abroad hen.
It's been one long stream of "can't afford the abroad hen but I'll be at the home hen with bells on".
Good for them all for being honest and not getting themselves in a mess over it. I feel bad for SIL, she just wants what a million brides before her have had, but at the same time I'm a bit 🫣 that she didn't read the room first. COL crisis, her mates all seem to be on maternity leave or attending umpteen other weddings next year so need to speak their resources.
It's all just so awkward on there now.

Elsiebear90 · 01/09/2023 08:40

As long as the bride/groom are okay with people declining then it’s up to them what they do for their wedding or hen/stag, it’s an invitation not a summons, if you don’t want to go then don’t go. My parents in law got married in the Maldives and we couldn’t afford to go, that’s fine because it’s what they wanted and their wedding is about them not us.

malificent7 · 01/09/2023 08:48

This is exactly why we had a very simple hen do. Mate cooked us a curry, I provided fruit salad then we went to the pub with a veil and L plates...it was perfect!
I'm getting married tomorrow...registry office, restaurant, bar, no bridesmaids or fancy cars. Job done...cannot wait!
Our simple wedding is still pricey and I don't want to spend 10,000 on one day.

ssd · 01/09/2023 09:37

Have a great day @malificent7

ssd · 01/09/2023 09:38

My wedding was similar a million years ago, it was great

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 01/09/2023 09:41

Totally agree OP, it has got out of control.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 01/09/2023 10:10

ssd · 01/09/2023 08:21

Weddings are a pain in the arse. They are only special to those very close to the bride and groom. For everyone else its an expense you just don't need. All the faff, time off and expectation you are delighted to spend so much money and energy on people you like but wouldn't necessarily give your all to, is just too much. And they never see it, its all about them and their big dream day.

Sigh. I'm hoping my kids elope.

Spot on

sockarefootwear · 01/09/2023 10:17

I think part of the problem is that over the last 20 years or so what is seen as 'normal' for a wedding has become increasingly expensive and demanding. Perhaps partly due to social media. So now if someone has a night out for a stag/hen do and a church/registry office wedding followed by a party somewhere in their local town this is seen as a 'budget' option. The normal option now seems to be accepted to include several days away for the stag/hen parties and a 'location' wedding (even if it's in the UK this will be at an expensive hotel and usually requires travel for everyone). Since this is accepted as normal even people who are usually thoughtful and rational get upset if close friends and family say they can't come. I think Brides and Grooms also feel a lot of social pressure to have elaborate/expensive events even if they can't really afford it. Which makes matters worse as quite a few seem to be doing things like having mid-week weddings/child-free weddings/asking bridesmaids to buy their own dresses etc to try to reduce the cost rather than having a simpler wedding.

I have a close family member who has been engaged for years, has a disabled child and is saving for a deposit to buy a house. She and her partner would love to get married but she tells me that she would be embarrassed to have a budget wedding because all her friends have had expensive events.

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/09/2023 10:41

@sockarefootwear I totally agree with all of this but I think it's actually more sinister than that, it has really damaging ramifications for the way people organise their lives.

The expectations around weddings are such an obsession that they completely cloud people's perspective on the marriage itself. It's as if the wedding is the goal and the sole focus and noone is actually thinking about the fact that theoretically you have to spend the next 40 or 50 years of your life with this person and make it work or there will be major fallout.

So many young girls in particular think "wedding! Kerching!" and that's as far as their planning and consideration goes. They don't think about whether they are compatible with their partner and can live with them. They don't think about whether they are going to work or stay at home after the wedding or how the marriage will impact their financial security or not (and actually in a lot of cases getting married is not financially sensible). And how they are going to finance having children and raising them.

And then the parents get wrapped up in the whole st

Major, life-changing decisions about money and children get swept up in this froth about table settings and bridesmaid's dresses and whether Uncle Godfrey will sit next to Aunt Fenella and whether it will be in a barn or a Premier Inn or whatever. It's all ultimately completely irrelevant and none of it matters.

I'm not religious and I have no particular nostalgia for the days when marrying couples were expected to spend some time with the priest before tying the knot. But I do think there was some virtue in forcing people to actually confront this stuff before getting married. We as a society have this collective taboo about talking about what marriage actually means: not the "till death do us part" stuff and all the flowery words about fidelity but the hard, contractual element, the financial risk, the impact on your future children etc.

Part of this is down to changing social expectations around women and men's roles etc and there's no consensus on this. But I think the whole madness about driving women to want to get married as a goal above almost anything else in life is in large part to blame for this and the wedding industry is a major signifier of this.