To think weddings cost guests and bridal party too much?!

[Elaina87]

I am not married- in a long term relationship with 2 young kids. Plan to marry when either of us have the energy and it will be small, don't expect anything from anyone. If i had a hen do I'd just go local. I am mid 30s, most of my friends married in their 20s or very early 30s - I've not been to a wedding in over 4 years. I now have 2 friends due to get married next year, I am bridesmaid for 1 and I honestly can't get over how much this could all potentially cost me. I remember it being costly in my 20s but I was single with no bills. I am on maternity leave now on statutory pay so things are tight. The wedding i am a bridesmaid for, the hen do is in a very expensive abroad location next year - I have had to say I can't go, I cannot afford that in the next 12 months and will have a 1 year old. I'm sad I miss one of my best friends hen dos and she has seemed to take it very personally, but there we go, I simply can't do it. None of the other bmaids have kids. I've just had a message from another bmaid about a wedding present from us all - looking for us to chip in around £60 each. The wedding isn't for 16 months so feels ridiculous sorting it now and I could do without it. I will be back at work by then so have more to spare but not right now. The other wedding is in France early next year- again have had to say we can't go, can't afford it and would mean taking precious time off work and not having a family holiday next year. The hen do will be UK based, I will probably go but it will likely still be costly as it'll be a weekend away. AIBU to think when someone is getting married it shouldn't cost everyone else so much?! Hen dos, stag dos, abroad locations, gifts! I know its a special day and I am happy for them, would like to be supportive.....but it's too much.

I totally agree. The last wedding I attended I worked out I spent £600 on the hen (abroad), £250 to stay overnight in the venue because it was near nothing, £100 on a wedding gift. I wore a dress and shoes I already had. That's a grand! Was one of my best friends and I'd gone to similar for other friends so I felt obligated to do the same for her. 3x weddings in 3 years so a grand a year.

It's fair enough for her to decide she wants to go abroad- but she cannot take it personally when people say no and can't afford it. Tbh that's a really shitty attitude for her to take and it would put me off the friendship that she'd expect me to put myself into debt over it. There's no reason why things can't be cheaper and more local.

I had a very cheap do, however I quite enjoy more exotic celebrations. I go if I can, don’t go if I can’t. There is less expectation to attend if more expensive, people understand the cost of living is high

I think if people choose to get married overseas they must accept some family and friends will decline to attend. Also if a bridesmaid or groomsman the bride/groom should pick up the cost of dress/suit. I know when I got married 18 years ago now I come from Devon and DH from Yorkshire and we live midway between the two in the West Midlands. Both of our families had to travel and had the cost of staying 2 nights away in Premier travel inns. We felt it was fairest for both families to travel a shorter distance than 1 family to travel over 160 miles also our friends were mostly local to where we live so they didn't have to travel. My Mum felt it should have been held where I grew up but that would have meant a lot of travel for future in-laws and I didn't want to start off on the wrong foot. In-laws paid for a lovely Italian meal for everyone who travelled so mostly family plus a couple of my old school friends, the evening before our wedding. My Mum paid towards the wedding reception and DH and I paid for breakfast for all our guest who stayed at the Premier travel Inn the morning after the wedding and we had a family BBQ late afternoon at our house for both families to spend more time together before we left late evening for our honeymoon. It was very expensive then but now wedding costs have exploded since Covid.

@Thepeopleversuswork I do think you're a joy sponge, I love weddings :) but having recently organised my own wedding I sort of agree.
I went to one wedding fair and almost exited straightaway... the sheer amount of useless rubbish and vendors trying to upsell was ridiculous. Plus, everyone kept speaking to me and not my future husband.
I get it, they're businesspeople trying to get business. But the level of stupid shit people bothered with from matching place cards, pew ends etc etc. I'm not one for obsessing over details and visuals so I just found it all an incredible bore.

I choose a 'common' theme, managed to get most of it from FB marketplace and Vinted, very happy with the results. Yes it's not all 'matchy matchy' but who cares? My guests won't be hungry, thirsty or out of pocket unnecessarily that's the main thing.

DP turned one down recently that we worked out for us both to go would have cost at least £600/700 (flights and a hotel involved). Bride posted something really passive aggressive about how their venue was going to look half empty.
Yes cause you’ve booked somewhere that needs a flight to get to and isn’t near anywhere with only two extortionate hotels anywhere nearby and necessitates car hire!

I should add, I LOVE weddings but this was ridiculous

It's not just abroad, I've also noticed a trend in people hiring 'venues' in the middle of nowhere.
A recent wedding invite ... impossible if you don't drive. One train an hour (and often delayed/cancelled based on their service statistics and the local FB page). 20 min drive from the station (who on earth wants to walk a big distance in their wedding finery' anyway)? Rural so not much taxi availability. Nowhere near to stay overnight.
We declined. Wasn't really a close friend anyway just someone my OH knew from school. They speak occasionally but that's all. I'm the only driver and as much as I love a wedding I'd not be able to enjoy much drinking as the designated driver!
His mum still lives in same place as my ILs and I heard whisperings that we were not the only ones to decline. Even at school the person didn't have many friends and as the bride's from abroad he'd invited anybody and everybody he marginally knew. Doesn't take a genius to work out that this was going to happen. They'd have been better off with a smaller wedding or more accessible venue but there you go.

@MannekenP

Fair enough. I've said I've been to some lovely weddings and invariably they are the ones which haven't been an orgy of consumerism. Nothing wrong with spending a bit of money on it all but standard weddings are just breathtakingly naff and samey.

But I do think underlying all this there are a few quite toxic things about weddings which aren't really acknowledged:

a) the absolutely grotesque levels of consumption and cost and the status arms race
b) the fact (as I've alluded to) that they tend to obscure the important things about the actual marriage
c) the horrible way they push men and women into outdated gender play acting. Even the so-called progressive ones.

I realise most of my objections are my own particular foible and I don't expect other people to agree. And I would certainly never express any of this at someone's wedding or in the run-up to it.

I think people are entitled to celebrate their marriage anyway they choose. The day is theirs to do with as they wish, and its no one's place to describe their choices as 'ridiculous' anymore than its anyone's place to describe a more modest arrangement negatively.
People who can't afford or don't want to join in should feel free to decline, and the bride and groom should be understanding.
Personally I'd prioritise people being able to easily attend over luxury and location, but I respect other people's rights not to.

Ridiculous basically means unreasonable, so from a guest POV if it costs them more than they think reasonable then they're well within their rights to think it ridiculous. Privately, of course, not to say it to people's faces!
I agree though. Everyone should respect everyone's right to do as they wish. Where the problem comes is people getting upset that nobody wants to put themselves out to give B&G their 'dream wedding'. Fair enough if they've done it for friends and not reciprocated, otherwise no.

Yanbu especially when 1/2 end in divorce. Just elope and be done with it! Nobody actually cares they just want the buffet and a piss up

I think a BYOB and bring a dish wedding is a great idea. Each to their own

I've always declined destination hen do's and weddings. I never used to earn what i do now and wasn't going to stretch myself for them. I'm glad, as all of them are now divorced 😂

Pressed post too soon.

I was due to be married in 2019, but cancelled 4 months before as i found he was cheating on me. BUT everything was booked and done, and my aim was to make it as cheap as possible for my guests to be there. We were paying for all alcohol, free taxi's etc. my bridesmaids didn't have to spend a penny on outfits, make up, shoes, hair. why should they? i had asked them to be part of the bridal party.
My hen do was just a day out at Go Ape with friends and then food, around £100 each with shared travel.

I was adamant i wanted everyone to join in with as little cost to themselves as possible.

Surely it depends on the kind of wedding.

I was a bridesmaid last year and the only cost was the hen do and drinks at the wedding. The bride paid for our dresses, hair and make-up.

Yes I ended up paying about £300 to attend a friends wedding then we are told what colours we should wear 🙄

I didn’t have the money to buy another outfit and many had ignored this request

We got civil partnered nearly two years ago now - wedding was registry office with our son and both Mums. Then we took everyone out for dinner and cocktails. The following day we had a piss up in a brewery, open bar and we paid for lots of pizza and cake. It was awesome and I think it will have been the cheapest night out anyone has had for a while!

No hen do for me - I don’t have female friends, DH had a stag weekend away where they went camping and got pissed.

Some of it is just going to be inevitable with most of us not living near the people we are close to. I can count on one hand the number of weddings and hen dos I've attended where I've not stayed one or more nights at a hotel. I don't see how those costs can be avoided.

I think a lot of these holiday hen dos are asking a bit much and requesting guests to buy outfits in certain colours is a piss take.

Bring your own food sounds nice for a small wedding of less than 20 but not so much 200. How would you even organise that? How would you safely store that much food until it was time to eat?

Yeah, it's mental.

A friend's younger sister recently invited me to her hen do (her sister and I are about ten years older than the bride, but I've known her for a very long time and I see her very much as a 'bonus sister').

I'm a high earner, no kids, have a higher than average annual leave allowance due to being senior / well-established in my role, but I wasn't going to spend £800-1k and five days' AL on what is essentially a party.

My friend is going because the bride is her sister and she obviously feels obliged, but I know she doesn't have the same income I do and has pre-teen kids, so she's a bit worried about it.

I do kind of want to take the bride by the scruff of the neck and give her a bit of a rattle (I've known her since she was eight!), but it's not really my place.

@WhatNoRaisins

Bring your own food sounds nice for a small wedding of less than 20 but not so much 200. How would you even organise that? How would you safely store that much food until it was time to eat?

All the more reason not to invite 200 people to your wedding. Each to their own and all that but seriously who needs 200 people at a wedding?

@hereagain99 just reading the description of your wedding made me go all gooey: it sounds wonderful. ❤

YANBU. I would be mortified to ask
other people to pay hundreds just to attend my wedding. How entitled!

As Previous posters have said - it is absolutely up to the couple to chose what they want for their Hen / Stag events. DB invited Dh to his which was 4 nights away hiking . DH just said - thank you for inviting me but not my thing - have a lovely time. DB was not "pissy" about DH not going ( oh and DH - it was a hard time to take time off work ) . So invitation extended , politely declined and declining accepted nicely. For the wedding DB hired some suits and asked DH and DS if they would like him to do it for them. They said - No thank you (not groomsmen ) but turned up looking smart - offer made but declined nicely & all was well. Dsis Hen do would have meant a 8 hours round journey . I thanked her for the invitation and declined. She was fine ( actually maybe she did not want me there - ha ha - no we get on very well 😁) It's I fine to invite people but if they say "for reasons " I cannot attend - then that should not be a reason to fall out.

It was pretty chaotic. Many of the guests had come from abroad, and only about 10% lived locally. There was a on the local Tesco that morning!

@NeedToChangeName

The majority of the guests were not local, and at least half came from overseas.
We were already using several days leave, significant travel costs and 3 nights in a Premier Inn for 4. Not insignificant costs. It would have been nice to have been fed.

As it was, lots of people bought lots of bread and cheese/ham/salad/quiche, because that is easy to buy when you are not at home. It was not very weddingy.