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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think weddings cost guests and bridal party too much?!

119 replies

Elaina87 · 31/08/2023 20:02

I am not married- in a long term relationship with 2 young kids. Plan to marry when either of us have the energy and it will be small, don't expect anything from anyone. If i had a hen do I'd just go local. I am mid 30s, most of my friends married in their 20s or very early 30s - I've not been to a wedding in over 4 years. I now have 2 friends due to get married next year, I am bridesmaid for 1 and I honestly can't get over how much this could all potentially cost me. I remember it being costly in my 20s but I was single with no bills. I am on maternity leave now on statutory pay so things are tight. The wedding i am a bridesmaid for, the hen do is in a very expensive abroad location next year - I have had to say I can't go, I cannot afford that in the next 12 months and will have a 1 year old. I'm sad I miss one of my best friends hen dos and she has seemed to take it very personally, but there we go, I simply can't do it. None of the other bmaids have kids. I've just had a message from another bmaid about a wedding present from us all - looking for us to chip in around £60 each. The wedding isn't for 16 months so feels ridiculous sorting it now and I could do without it. I will be back at work by then so have more to spare but not right now. The other wedding is in France early next year- again have had to say we can't go, can't afford it and would mean taking precious time off work and not having a family holiday next year. The hen do will be UK based, I will probably go but it will likely still be costly as it'll be a weekend away. AIBU to think when someone is getting married it shouldn't cost everyone else so much?! Hen dos, stag dos, abroad locations, gifts! I know its a special day and I am happy for them, would like to be supportive.....but it's too much.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 01/09/2023 15:29

I agree, it seems to be part of the more general thing of making/upscaling events in general.

Politely declining shortly after the invite is appropriate as you have done OP.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 01/09/2023 15:31

Grumpy101 · 31/08/2023 21:14

I just said no to a hen do that was about to set me back 2k at least. Hen insisted she wanted a really fancy and expensive hen do that also required 2 days off work. Everyone declined one by one. She now has no hen do because she doesn't see the point in a local one. Fucking self absorbed twat.

^
You're so right!

Fupoffyagrasshole · 01/09/2023 15:37

meh people can and should do what they want - but i think its unreasonable to be upset or annoyed with someone if they decline or say they can't afford it or whatever!

Imabitbusyatthemoment · 01/09/2023 15:45

Totally agree with you.

I think it’s incredibly rude and presumptuous to put these kinds of financial expectations on people for an entirely selfish reason.

my82my · 01/09/2023 15:52

I agree it can get ridiculous. I got married last year and my hen was a old fashioned pub crawl and my wedding was a registry office followed by a meal in a restaurant that we paid for and then a nice bar that had a band on. Only had 30 guests and everyone said they had a great time.
My SIL wedding cost us around £1500 to attend.If she wasn't family I wouldn't have gone.

hereagain99 · 01/09/2023 16:18

@WmFnKdSg1234 We have an amazing day and it was just perfect. Sister-in-law took photos and she was happy doing that, we never asked she just wanted to do it. We didn't want people spending a fortune and I think we managed that without compromising on the fun for everyone adults and children a like 🤭

It is possible to have a delightful wedding without spending a fortune or expecting people to spend a fortune. Priorities just needs to be right. Of course I would ha E lovely friends from my country to come but I could also understand how expensive it was for them all to come so we will celebrate it another time together.

Dragonwindow · 01/09/2023 16:24

It's pure narcisissm. If you're dead set on the beautiful, picturesque venue far from home (probably abroad) then that's what a honeymoon is for surely? And don't get me started on hen weekends/weeks away 🙄

yikesanotherbooboo · 01/09/2023 17:05

I am with you OP. I do not think that bridesmaids in particular should be out of pocket for someone else's wedding. Of course it is commonly the case that many guests will have to travel to the wedding but as many as possible should have the option of going home after the festivities .Those that stay should have options in terms of overnight accommodation. No one should be expected to buy a new outfit or an expensive gift . Particularly thoughtless are the weddings where the B&G have spent lots on unnecessary things like videographers. Hair dressers , MUAs , table gifts etc but don't provide adequate food and drink for their guests . I'm not saying that you should necessarily always pay the bar tab but guests who have potentially travelled, even for the evening do, should imo be given food and drink . It sometimes fells as if the guests are expected to subsidise the wedding. My DC are in the phase of life where all their friends are settling down and I have been shocked at the expectation of then to travel, take time off work, wear particular colours etc. It seems a shame because of course they often have to decline invitations which probably seems quite hurtful to the B&G.

LolaSmiles · 01/09/2023 17:11

I agree with you OP.

The thing I find annoying on here is that there's regularly people trying to find ways to afford these expensive weddings, hen dos and other photo opportunities, but then when people discuss anonymously that they think it's unreasonable to expect friends to stump up huge sums of money, others insist that they know for a fact that all their friends can afford to spend £800 on a hen do, and then £250 a night for 2 nights a swanky venue and all their friends love taking annual leave to travel extensively for other people's posing events.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 01/09/2023 22:55

As someone recently engaged they also cost too damn much overall. £10,009 JUST FOR THE VENUE.

I don't really mind paying as a guest. Paid around £500 to attend my cousins plus gift. If I didn't want to shell out I'd have RSVP no.

I won't ask my bridesmaids to go on silly hen dos or anything. And I'm hoping to give them a colour scheme and ask them to choose a dress they like if I can't afford theirs for them. But frankly, I'm in terror mode.

A classic wedding with a ceremony, reception, clothing, flowers and enough food to feed everyone is looking around £15-20k. For one day. It makes me want to sob.

I don't want to elope as I want my whole family there. But people will be grumpy if there's no food or drink (looking at £7-9k for 80 guests).

I suppose it's my dress, the flowers, the setting that will suffer.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 01/09/2023 22:59

Also tbh while it's expensive for you now it isn't for her other friends. Weddings are expensive. You just have another priority now that they don't.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 01/09/2023 23:02

But, personally I will be going to a spa day with my sister and childhood best friend for my hen do. Friends will have to travel as we're marrying up North where my family/me is from. If they don't want to they don't have to come. If they're annoyed then that's their issue. I'm from the north and have 45 family members. DP (who is from where we live and have friends has 3).

The wedding industry needs to sort itself the fuck out.

GreyhpundGirl · 01/09/2023 23:04

It doesn't have to be like that- I went abroad with a couple of friends but had a night out in Manchester with a bigger group.of friends (we all live in differ places) . My husband did a pub crawl in our home city. We didn't expect any presents from guests at the wedding.

Obviously people can organise whatever they want but need to appreciate not everyone can participate if it's costly.

Hbh17 · 01/09/2023 23:09

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/09/2023 10:41

@sockarefootwear I totally agree with all of this but I think it's actually more sinister than that, it has really damaging ramifications for the way people organise their lives.

The expectations around weddings are such an obsession that they completely cloud people's perspective on the marriage itself. It's as if the wedding is the goal and the sole focus and noone is actually thinking about the fact that theoretically you have to spend the next 40 or 50 years of your life with this person and make it work or there will be major fallout.

So many young girls in particular think "wedding! Kerching!" and that's as far as their planning and consideration goes. They don't think about whether they are compatible with their partner and can live with them. They don't think about whether they are going to work or stay at home after the wedding or how the marriage will impact their financial security or not (and actually in a lot of cases getting married is not financially sensible). And how they are going to finance having children and raising them.

And then the parents get wrapped up in the whole st

Major, life-changing decisions about money and children get swept up in this froth about table settings and bridesmaid's dresses and whether Uncle Godfrey will sit next to Aunt Fenella and whether it will be in a barn or a Premier Inn or whatever. It's all ultimately completely irrelevant and none of it matters.

I'm not religious and I have no particular nostalgia for the days when marrying couples were expected to spend some time with the priest before tying the knot. But I do think there was some virtue in forcing people to actually confront this stuff before getting married. We as a society have this collective taboo about talking about what marriage actually means: not the "till death do us part" stuff and all the flowery words about fidelity but the hard, contractual element, the financial risk, the impact on your future children etc.

Part of this is down to changing social expectations around women and men's roles etc and there's no consensus on this. But I think the whole madness about driving women to want to get married as a goal above almost anything else in life is in large part to blame for this and the wedding industry is a major signifier of this.

Excellent post!

MannekenP · 02/09/2023 11:19

TheWayoftheLeaf · 01/09/2023 22:55

As someone recently engaged they also cost too damn much overall. £10,009 JUST FOR THE VENUE.

I don't really mind paying as a guest. Paid around £500 to attend my cousins plus gift. If I didn't want to shell out I'd have RSVP no.

I won't ask my bridesmaids to go on silly hen dos or anything. And I'm hoping to give them a colour scheme and ask them to choose a dress they like if I can't afford theirs for them. But frankly, I'm in terror mode.

A classic wedding with a ceremony, reception, clothing, flowers and enough food to feed everyone is looking around £15-20k. For one day. It makes me want to sob.

I don't want to elope as I want my whole family there. But people will be grumpy if there's no food or drink (looking at £7-9k for 80 guests).

I suppose it's my dress, the flowers, the setting that will suffer.

Weddings are only cheap if you're religious and so have a local church/mosque/temple whatever to get married in. Back in the day, that's what everyone did, church wedding and pub reception.
There are very few affordable venues that can hold a sizeable number of people for the ceremony.

Sueveneers · 02/09/2023 14:13

LegoCatLikesTuna · 01/09/2023 07:32

If you've lived in the same area your whole life and all your friends and family live there, then of course you can have a cheap hen/stag do down the local pub.

But most of my group of friends are from uni, and they ended up all over the country and some abroad. It simply isn't feasible to have an evening only stag/hen if many people have to travel several hours just to all be in the same location, it has to be overnight and usually over a weekend in order to allow everyone time to get there.

But I agree that you don't have to be booking expensive hotels, and activities.

But most of my group of friends are from uni, and they ended up all over the country and some abroad.

It's no different from decades ago, and people coped back then and stayed over at friends relatives houses or didn't come. So why the change now? Travelling doesn't mean the hen do has to be a weekend, that's a cop-out. The hens either attend, or they don't if they have to travel. Full stop. Period. No reason to have it over a weekend. Many people where I am only have locals at their hen do anyway, they don't invite friends from uni way back when.

Sueveneers · 02/09/2023 14:40

sockarefootwear · 01/09/2023 10:17

I think part of the problem is that over the last 20 years or so what is seen as 'normal' for a wedding has become increasingly expensive and demanding. Perhaps partly due to social media. So now if someone has a night out for a stag/hen do and a church/registry office wedding followed by a party somewhere in their local town this is seen as a 'budget' option. The normal option now seems to be accepted to include several days away for the stag/hen parties and a 'location' wedding (even if it's in the UK this will be at an expensive hotel and usually requires travel for everyone). Since this is accepted as normal even people who are usually thoughtful and rational get upset if close friends and family say they can't come. I think Brides and Grooms also feel a lot of social pressure to have elaborate/expensive events even if they can't really afford it. Which makes matters worse as quite a few seem to be doing things like having mid-week weddings/child-free weddings/asking bridesmaids to buy their own dresses etc to try to reduce the cost rather than having a simpler wedding.

I have a close family member who has been engaged for years, has a disabled child and is saving for a deposit to buy a house. She and her partner would love to get married but she tells me that she would be embarrassed to have a budget wedding because all her friends have had expensive events.

@sockarefootwear Which makes matters worse as quite a few seem to be doing things like having mid-week weddings/child-free weddings/asking bridesmaids to buy their own dresses etc to try to reduce the cost rather than having a simpler wedding.

Childfree weddings have nothing to do with cost. It's about the fact that weddings and children do not go together. They're like oil and water. People want to hear the vows, and enjoy themselves, not have screaming babies ruining the ceremony. Or toddlers running about bumping into waiters etc and causing havoc.

samthepigeon · 14/09/2025 19:44

LegoCatLikesTuna · 01/09/2023 07:32

If you've lived in the same area your whole life and all your friends and family live there, then of course you can have a cheap hen/stag do down the local pub.

But most of my group of friends are from uni, and they ended up all over the country and some abroad. It simply isn't feasible to have an evening only stag/hen if many people have to travel several hours just to all be in the same location, it has to be overnight and usually over a weekend in order to allow everyone time to get there.

But I agree that you don't have to be booking expensive hotels, and activities.

Yes, people can be spread out. We used to all go to the bride-to-be's house, have a meal and a few drinks, maybe a night club depending on how old we were, and then crash on the floor. We were all at the time in our lives when we didn't have much money. By golly, it was good fun!

samthepigeon · 14/09/2025 19:47

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/09/2023 13:34

@MannekenP

Fair enough. I've said I've been to some lovely weddings and invariably they are the ones which haven't been an orgy of consumerism. Nothing wrong with spending a bit of money on it all but standard weddings are just breathtakingly naff and samey.

But I do think underlying all this there are a few quite toxic things about weddings which aren't really acknowledged:

a) the absolutely grotesque levels of consumption and cost and the status arms race
b) the fact (as I've alluded to) that they tend to obscure the important things about the actual marriage
c) the horrible way they push men and women into outdated gender play acting. Even the so-called progressive ones.

I realise most of my objections are my own particular foible and I don't expect other people to agree. And I would certainly never express any of this at someone's wedding or in the run-up to it.

Nicest wedding I went to was in a church, then the village hall where we all had pie and chips. Fabuloso! And the best bit? Thirty years on, they are still married.

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