Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner's uninvited guest has turned up 5 hours early...

581 replies

Cynicaltheorist · 31/08/2023 14:03

My partner is involved in organising an event tomorrow and was cornered into offering a bed tonight for a person who's coming fro a distance. He doesn't know this guy. There have been a number of increasingly infuriating phone calls about arrival times etc. This bloke seems chaotic and doesn't seem to be able to manage directions. I've been really, really busy for the last week and a guest was the last thing I needed. I insisted that this man doesn't arrive before my partner is home from work at 7pm, by which time I will (probably) have finished what I need to do and be in a fit state to host.

The guy has just phoned to say he's a few minutes from our home. He phoned my partner and my partner told him he can come straight here. I'm right in the middle of my work, I haven't had a shower this morning and the breakfast things are still all over the kitchen. I'm so angry with my partner. He's always doing things like this. This guy is going to arrive shortly, he's told me he hasn't had any lunch so presumably will expect me to make him a sandwich. Who the hell turns up five hours early? So bloody rude and entitled.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 01/09/2023 10:58

A time had been arranged and he didn’t stick to it

But the OP's partner told him it was OK to go to the house @Delatron - He phoned my partner and my partner told him he can come straight here

I feel the guest has suffered from the lack of communication. The OP's anger should have been directed at the partner, not the guest as I doubt the guest would have known the OP was in meetings and working at home.

CherryMaDeara · 01/09/2023 10:59

User353463 · 01/09/2023 09:17

Has it occurred to anyone that the guest might actually be an adult with ASD/ADHD rather than an entitled prick? "This bloke seems chaotic and doesn't seem to be able to manage directions." is a giveaway. Arriving too early and saying he didn't eat lunch also seems pretty typical of autistic literal thinking and are behaviours that are not intended to be rude but misinterpreted as such.

ASD logic - I've arrived early, I'll go to the place I was supposed to stay for the night. I didn't have lunch yet so I will mention that if it comes up in conversation.

(ASD thinking does not make "jumps" such as realising that by saying you didn't have lunch, it's actually an insinuation that the other person needs to cook and prepare food for you and can be socially offensive in certain circumstances. It's simply a literal statement of a fact that they have not had lunch)

NT Logic - I've arrived early. I cannot go to my host yet because our arranged time was X o'clock and she may be busy with other activities. Especially as I don't know her at all, it would be rude of me show up earlier than expected. I didn't have lunch yet so that's a perfect way to kill some time. I will find a restaurant and do some sightseeing until it's time to show up. Good opportunity to look for a host gift as well.

Show quote history

It's not women's job to think of which random man has ASD/ADHD.

They should ALL stay the fuck away.

burnoutbabe · 01/09/2023 10:59

DoodlesMam · 01/09/2023 10:58

tell your partner to come home and do the hosting.

well that ship has sailed as they came yesterday and we haven't had any update from the OP since the food query.

ImTheBakerLiteGirl · 01/09/2023 11:04

"asking for lunch" as just a polite request

from someone you have invited and actually want there - friend/ family member - yes.

From someone you don't know, who KNOWS you are working, and chooses to not stop and buy their own food/ have a meal before they get to you, but turn up 5 hours early and then ask for food when you have told them you are busy???

Mental.

People like you who say it is a polite request are the reason CFs are CFs.

Gettingbysomehow · 01/09/2023 11:36

Well my autistic friend is coming over this afternoon. She definitely won't be coming 5 hours early because we've agreed on a time and she doesn't turn up without asking because she has manners.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 01/09/2023 12:25

Has it occurred to anyone that the guest might actually be an adult with ASD/ADHD

Yes, but why should anyone care? Is that the problem of anyone he cares to dump on for free food and accommodation at his pleasure?

Toomanylaughs · 01/09/2023 12:27

Gettingbysomehow · 01/09/2023 11:36

Well my autistic friend is coming over this afternoon. She definitely won't be coming 5 hours early because we've agreed on a time and she doesn't turn up without asking because she has manners.

As a ND female I also have manners and wouldn’t have behaved like this.

It’s riddiculous to suggest tbis is down to being ND. This man has a job and a car etc he will definitely have leant rules and social norms and anyone with a bit of consideration can see that he should have stopped off to get himself something to eat. And if he’d done that that would have helped him to arrive so darn early.

Clearly he has no respect for Op’s doormat partner or her. I bets he wouldn’t treat everyone like this.

RampantIvy · 01/09/2023 12:31

From someone you don't know, who KNOWS you are working

Unless the feckless partner had told his colleague the OP was working the guest wouldn't have known that until he arrived.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 01/09/2023 12:33

There is pretty obviously gendered behaviour here. A man wouldn't bang on the office door of another man, interrupting their meeting, to ask for food, would he?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/09/2023 12:35

Why does someone always have to say that any CF/selfish/entitled behaviour may well be down to autism/ADHD?

It’s being turned into an excuse for any sort of unacceptable behaviour.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 01/09/2023 12:35

I mean, why on earth didn't he stop at a service area for a leisurely lunch, given how early he is? He drove in a car, he has had ample opportunity to delay his arrival and feed himself.

Delatron · 01/09/2023 12:37

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 01/09/2023 10:16

The OP's partner was contacted by his friend and told him there wouldn't be a problem turning up early.

Show quote history

Yep and this was communicated to the OP via the DP. The OP could have then replied to him ‘no it’s not ok for him to come 5 hours early, I won’t answer the door’.

There was ample opportunity to say that 5 hours early was not convenient. Her DP should have had her back here but I would have been very clear that I would either not be in or be working/on calls so would not be opening the door.

Delatron · 01/09/2023 12:37

And it’s not the DP’s friend. He’s a stranger

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 01/09/2023 12:38

RampantIvy · 01/09/2023 10:58

A time had been arranged and he didn’t stick to it

But the OP's partner told him it was OK to go to the house @Delatron - He phoned my partner and my partner told him he can come straight here

I feel the guest has suffered from the lack of communication. The OP's anger should have been directed at the partner, not the guest as I doubt the guest would have known the OP was in meetings and working at home.

He knew when he turned up and the OP literally told him so though!

And when he found out, and the OP told him she'd like him to find somewhere else to be for the afternoon, he didn't drive himself to a cafe to pass the time. No, he ignored her and stayed in her home regardless. And then he banged on her office door while she was in a meeting to ask for food.

There is no possible way his behaviour could be interpreted as 'polite'.

MarkWithaC · 01/09/2023 12:50

Delatron · 01/09/2023 12:37

Yep and this was communicated to the OP via the DP. The OP could have then replied to him ‘no it’s not ok for him to come 5 hours early, I won’t answer the door’.

There was ample opportunity to say that 5 hours early was not convenient. Her DP should have had her back here but I would have been very clear that I would either not be in or be working/on calls so would not be opening the door.

Show quote history

It wasn't communicated to the OP via the DP; he phoned the DP, who told him he could come straight over; then he phoned to say he was a few minutes away. She was left out of the loop by her DP and ambushed by this man.

placemats · 01/09/2023 12:53

When I visit my daughter, who works from home, she tells me when it is acceptable to arrive. I always go by train, she lives in central London, and so I take it as an opportunity to spend a few hours getting lunch and going to a gallery or museum. I would never arrive 5 hours early.

placemats · 01/09/2023 12:55

MarkWithaC · 01/09/2023 12:50

It wasn't communicated to the OP via the DP; he phoned the DP, who told him he could come straight over; then he phoned to say he was a few minutes away. She was left out of the loop by her DP and ambushed by this man.

Show quote history

The OP told him that it was too early though when he arrived at the door.

Dryona · 01/09/2023 12:58

Came onto this thread for the unhinged responses, was not disappointed.

MarkWithaC · 01/09/2023 12:59

placemats · 01/09/2023 12:55

The OP told him that it was too early though when he arrived at the door.

Show quote history

Yes, I agree.

If you're arguing with me, I apologise but I'm not clear what about – I was responding to the poster who seems to think her DP told her in advance that this man was arriving early.

RiderofRohan · 01/09/2023 13:49

My dad used to do this to my mum all the time. So many random friends of friends coming to stay for x number of days or weeks. She would object and then they'd argue. They aren't married anymore.

FinallyHere · 01/09/2023 14:19

this guy is going to arrive shortly, he's told me he hasn't had any lunch so presumably will expect me to make him a sandwich.

The happy path would appear for him to go and get himself something to eat and not be let into the house until 7pm as arranged.

weirdoboelady · 01/09/2023 14:31

assumes humble posture

Please OP, despite all the ridiculous posters thinking women are inherently unsafe creatures who cannot be alone in a house with a man, please please come back and tell us what happened when DP came home? And did you have a good evening with your friend? And has CF visitor successfully buggered off?

MasterBeth · 01/09/2023 14:35

Truffles15 · 31/08/2023 18:47

The uninvited guest is rude. 5 minutes early (acceptable), 5 hrs early - who does that? I would be seething at husband, and uninvited guest.

Why is 5 minutes early acceptable? Turning up early is as bad as turning up late! Anyone can amuse themselves for 5 minutes!

Original poster
Cynicaltheorist · 01/09/2023 14:35

Your partner is a gullible fool to have a stranger stay in your home.

I thought I might come back to update and respond to some of the more reasonable comments and questions, but instead I'm going to start looking for a more adult forum full of people who don't assume that every stranger is out to murder them, read every annoying thing a partner does as grounds for leaving the bastard and do answer their doorbells. The paranoia here is quite something.

OP posts:
MsRosley · 01/09/2023 14:37

Please ignore them, OP. Every forum is going to have people you don't agree with.