My partner's uninvited guest has turned up 5 hours early...

[Cynicaltheorist]

My partner is involved in organising an event tomorrow and was cornered into offering a bed tonight for a person who's coming fro a distance. He doesn't know this guy. There have been a number of increasingly infuriating phone calls about arrival times etc. This bloke seems chaotic and doesn't seem to be able to manage directions. I've been really, really busy for the last week and a guest was the last thing I needed. I insisted that this man doesn't arrive before my partner is home from work at 7pm, by which time I will (probably) have finished what I need to do and be in a fit state to host.

The guy has just phoned to say he's a few minutes from our home. He phoned my partner and my partner told him he can come straight here. I'm right in the middle of my work, I haven't had a shower this morning and the breakfast things are still all over the kitchen. I'm so angry with my partner. He's always doing things like this. This guy is going to arrive shortly, he's told me he hasn't had any lunch so presumably will expect me to make him a sandwich. Who the hell turns up five hours early? So bloody rude and entitled.

I feel your pain OP. My DH has form for this too. The worst was when he didn’t prep for his parents visit. Left me to do it but I’d been really busy. I’d landed to do it the day before they arrived. They arrived a day early!! With one hours notice.

I had to get the bed linen out of the laundry basket and put it back on the bed. Yuk!! They didn’t care. I did!

I was wondering this as well. If he didn't know that his work colleague's partner was unaware that he was coming or that he would be far too early I feel a little sorry for him.

If I had just driven 300 miles I wouldn't expect to have a hostile reception or to be told to go away for 5 hours and come back later, so I kind of feel that the OP is being a little unfair.

Has it occurred to anyone that the guest might actually be an adult with ASD/ADHD rather than an entitled prick? "This bloke seems chaotic and doesn't seem to be able to manage directions." is a giveaway. Arriving too early and saying he didn't eat lunch also seems pretty typical of autistic literal thinking and are behaviours that are not intended to be rude but misinterpreted as such.

ASD logic - I've arrived early, I'll go to the place I was supposed to stay for the night. I didn't have lunch yet so I will mention that if it comes up in conversation.

(ASD thinking does not make "jumps" such as realising that by saying you didn't have lunch, it's actually an insinuation that the other person needs to cook and prepare food for you and can be socially offensive in certain circumstances. It's simply a literal statement of a fact that they have not had lunch)

NT Logic - I've arrived early. I cannot go to my host yet because our arranged time was X o'clock and she may be busy with other activities. Especially as I don't know her at all, it would be rude of me show up earlier than expected. I didn't have lunch yet so that's a perfect way to kill some time. I will find a restaurant and do some sightseeing until it's time to show up. Good opportunity to look for a host gift as well.

It occurs to someone on every thread involving unusual (usually male) behaviour.

Why would it be the OP's responsibility to manage this? Also, it wasn't about the man not making deductions for himself, it was about him ignoring a request to leave the house.

OP, I’d be seething! I hope your DP has been HUGELY apologetic and learned his lesson! Also — who accepts an offer of free accommodation but ignores the hosts’ requests (turn up after 7 etc etc) AND then interrupts a work meeting to ask for some food…?

All of this. Fucking hell. If I had a £ for every post that dismissed a man's horrible behaviour because they might have ASD, I'd be the richest person alive.

Having ASD makes it impossible for one to understand a clear request to leave and come back later? Come on now.

Fraaahnces · Today 04:06
I don’t know why you didn’t tell him that you’re not running a B&B, and frankly he’s incredibly rude rocking up so early and expecting you to stop working to entertain him.

It's too late now, but maybe better to say you ARE running a B&B, and "due to Covid", he can't enter the house until 7 pm, breakfast is cereals and one cup of coffee only, and he has to strip the bed and clean the room before he leaves at 9 am at the latest.

I know someone with ASD who still manages to be an excellent and considerate guest (and an excellent host).
maybe it’s incidental that this person is a woman.

Tell your partner ‘no. I said 7pm.’ And then refuse to let the guy in until alloted time slot. Your partner can direct him to a nearby cafe or whatever.

@User353463 - my son has autism. He's not an entitled prick though.

I'm so sick of people using ASD as an excuse for shitty male (and it's never female) behaviour on MN. It's really insulting.

It’s not up to OP to guess and then manage her guest’s (at this stage projected) disability. Just tell him ‘no I said 7pm.’ Also a statement of fact. Then move on.

The partner told his friend there'd be no problem arriving earlier.

Eh? I didn’t bring up ASD. I’m responding to posts that suggest this man has it, and saying that even if that were so, it’s no excuse.

@User353463 I don't think this person is autistic or whatever, OP's partner would know and have told her. Yes, he would have known, since this person is known to his company and invited to a meeting. I think this guests is just very egoistical, only thinking about his own needs - a place to stay and oh yes I feel peckish. Much cheaper than going to a hotel and having lunch at Pret. I know because I have been in OP's situation, + asked to entertain such guest, show them the city etc. And anyway, adults with ASD ánd functioning - holding a job, travelling independently etc. - have had an education and have been tought how they're supposed to behave. What you're saying is an insult to parents and teachers of youngsters with ASD who spend their lives instilling regular social behaviour to thier children.

I think it’s correct that it was worse to invite him in - tell him to dump his bags and scarper than just ignore the door. It was mixed messages. He didn’t need to dump his bags - he had a car. No point in inviting him in to tell him to leave straight away.

A time had been arranged and he didn’t stick to it. OP should have ignored the door, and the guy would have deferred back to OP’s partner and job sorted.

In your rush to yawn yawn say the man had needs the OP should be catering for, you forgot one!

EML - Entitled Man Logic. I want to miss the traffic so I can relax and be catered for. The woman of the house will open the door for ME and I can lay down on the bed and ask her what food I can have. I will then ignore her blatent hints to remove MYSELF from her house so she can work, and I will disturb the little woman in her little job as a grown-assed man wanting food.

Agreed.

Also agreed. Ludicrous replies on this thread.

OP did the bare minimum she was comfortable with, all the hysterics about strange men, and how other posters chose to handle it are completely irrelevant.

I thinks she did well personally.

The OP's partner was contacted by his friend and told him there wouldn't be a problem turning up early.

The her partner could have come home and hosted him. I would have ignored the door too. You’d have to be a proper mug to let him in like.

Who cares, it's not my problem or the OP's problem to deal with other peoples neurological problems. Harsh but fair I think.
If he had special needs he should have declared them at the outset.
I repeat......It is not the OP's problem.
What do you honestly go through life second guessing peoples problems and planning for them even though you don't know what they are? You must be totally exhausted. I've never heard such nonsense.
If he is capable of getting in a car and driving 300 miles and has a job then he is capable of amusing himself for a few hours and buying himself a meal.
FF's I've heard it all now.

my son has autism. He's not an entitled prick though.

I'm so sick of people using ASD as an excuse for shitty male (and it's never female) behaviour on MN. It's really insulting.
Not necessarily shitty behaviour though, if you look at what that poster said, if the op wasn't so put out (and rightly so as she was working) and already on edge (you can tell from the start of the post, she's already saying 'why is this guy coming, don't want him etc). And of course it's not always male, people on mn give out about friendships and what they call entitled cf all the time!
I'd like to add the guy mightn't be so bad at directions etc, it might depend on the directions given!!

see i see the "asking for lunch" as just a polite request - rather than root in the kitchen, you;d ask first and i would expect, be told that its fine to help yourself to some bread and make some toast/sandwich and some tea - which is in x cupboard.

Being told to LEAVE THE HOUSE for 5 hours rather than sit quietly in a spair room working on whatever he is doing tomorrow seems odd.

if it was a woman it would be fine but this man (who i am imaging as some mild mannered 50 year old) isn't going to think this woman sees him as A THREAT. do men think like that?

(yes i'd give my partner a bollocking for not agreeing stuff with me first but i'd also not insist a guest was made to wander the streets/sit in his car, when he could just sit quietly in another room. I'd also insist he comes home for say 4 or 5pm - unless he is a heart surgeon or such)

tell your partner to come home and do the hosting.