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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner's uninvited guest has turned up 5 hours early...

581 replies

Cynicaltheorist · 31/08/2023 14:03

My partner is involved in organising an event tomorrow and was cornered into offering a bed tonight for a person who's coming fro a distance. He doesn't know this guy. There have been a number of increasingly infuriating phone calls about arrival times etc. This bloke seems chaotic and doesn't seem to be able to manage directions. I've been really, really busy for the last week and a guest was the last thing I needed. I insisted that this man doesn't arrive before my partner is home from work at 7pm, by which time I will (probably) have finished what I need to do and be in a fit state to host.

The guy has just phoned to say he's a few minutes from our home. He phoned my partner and my partner told him he can come straight here. I'm right in the middle of my work, I haven't had a shower this morning and the breakfast things are still all over the kitchen. I'm so angry with my partner. He's always doing things like this. This guy is going to arrive shortly, he's told me he hasn't had any lunch so presumably will expect me to make him a sandwich. Who the hell turns up five hours early? So bloody rude and entitled.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 31/08/2023 17:39

Being "more assertive" makes zero difference to a man who doesn't care what you want.

Janieforever · 31/08/2023 17:42

BadNomad · 31/08/2023 17:39

Being "more assertive" makes zero difference to a man who doesn't care what you want.

The guest or the partner. As the guest phoned the partner and the partner told him to go to the house. He then just stayed in his room so as not to interrupt the op, other than asking for something to eat. When instructed to get a delivery he did. For me this isn’t a guest issue it’s a partner issue.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 31/08/2023 17:45

Janieforever · 31/08/2023 17:42

The guest or the partner. As the guest phoned the partner and the partner told him to go to the house. He then just stayed in his room so as not to interrupt the op, other than asking for something to eat. When instructed to get a delivery he did. For me this isn’t a guest issue it’s a partner issue.

Show quote history

You missed out the bit where the OP asked him to leave the house (her home!) for the afternoon, and he roundly ignored her.

MarkWithaC · 31/08/2023 17:46

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 31/08/2023 17:45

You missed out the bit where the OP asked him to leave the house (her home!) for the afternoon, and he roundly ignored her.

Show quote history

Yes. Plus, why does a grown and (I assume) competent man need 'instructing' to be able to fathom that perhaps if someone's working, you don't approach them and ask if there's anything to eat?

ThomasinaLivesHere · 31/08/2023 17:46

The partner is at fault. He told the guy to go to the house. He should have told the guy then that the room wasn’t ready. If I was exhausted and turned up at the place I was told it was fine to stay at I might not think there anything wrong with lying down in my room if I was tired and didn’t have the energy to go into town.

BadNomad · 31/08/2023 17:48

Janieforever · 31/08/2023 17:42

The guest or the partner. As the guest phoned the partner and the partner told him to go to the house. He then just stayed in his room so as not to interrupt the op, other than asking for something to eat. When instructed to get a delivery he did. For me this isn’t a guest issue it’s a partner issue.

Show quote history

The woman who was there in the house, who has an equal say over what goes on in her house, told the guest to leave. He refused to leave to her face. He had no right to say no to her.

This is a guest issue and a partner issue.

Princessfluffy · 31/08/2023 17:49

This guest seems pretty entitled.
Good call OP to go out for the evening and leave DH to it. I'd be having a good debrief with DH about this and making sure it never happens again.

Basically 2 men have subjugated your needs to their needs without your consent and in your own home.

KvotheTheBloodless · 31/08/2023 17:50

Wow, I can tell it's school holidays, there are some complete lunatics on this thread!

Back in the real world, YANBU at all OP. I'd be absolutely furious with the pair of them, how dare your partner ride roughshod over your agreement (knowing full well it'd piss you off and interrupt your work) and how dare ET (Entitled Twat) arrive 5 hours early, refuse to leave and then have the barefaced cheek to ask for food!!

I would be absolutely furious, and so would most people.

krustykittens · 31/08/2023 17:50

ThomasinaLivesHere · 31/08/2023 17:46

The partner is at fault. He told the guy to go to the house. He should have told the guy then that the room wasn’t ready. If I was exhausted and turned up at the place I was told it was fine to stay at I might not think there anything wrong with lying down in my room if I was tired and didn’t have the energy to go into town.

Even if you were told to make yourself scarce?

Rogue1001MNer · 31/08/2023 17:51

Omg, I love this

I'm nearly as furious with all the people projecting their fear of strangers and having a man you don't know in the house as I am about my partner saying yes he can come and this guest for thinking that it wouldn't be a fucking nuisance, turning up so early. Please stop projecting your fear of guests and men onto me

And your other related comments soooooo much @Cynicaltheorist
Can't stand the paralysis that you so often see on here.

Fwiw, I totally agree with you.
I hope your DP makes it upto you.

And also the uninvited guest doesn't expect to stay after the event as well

Screamingabdabz · 31/08/2023 17:51

Growlybear83 · 31/08/2023 17:12

I agree that it was rude of the man to turn up so early, but your boyfriend agreed that he could come straight to your house and presumably didn't suggest that he went somewhere else until 7. Under the circumstances I don't think it would have hurt to have spent all of five minutes making him a cup of tea and a sandwich, and then explaining politely that you were working. However early he arrived, it was with your boyfriend's agreement and it had been agreed that he woukd stay with you tonight, but you seem to have gone out of your way to make him feel completely unwelcome.

Make him a cup of tea and a sandwich? And ‘explain politely’ that you are working? Would that be a tiny pathetic apologetic voice? 🙄

Just please stop. You may be a handmaid but many of us just want equality, not mothering grown men.

Beelezebub · 31/08/2023 17:51

You’re definitely not unreasonable.

He’s an ignorant arse.

BadNomad · 31/08/2023 17:51

Also, unless her partner told the guest "Just ignore whatever my partner says to you when you arrive" it was the guest who decided to refuse to leave. The OP's partner didn't make him do that.

ohhhhfffsss · 31/08/2023 17:52

@Cynicaltheorist I like the sound of you.

It isn't normal to assume that all men are predators and serial killers, and it's a shame that so many people think like this.

Your partner and the early guest are both CFs and deserve your wrath, though.

And good for you for leaving them to it this evening.

Quitelikeit · 31/08/2023 18:06

Sorry but I think you were downright rude to the stranger. It is not his fault that your partner invited him!

PrinceHaz · 31/08/2023 18:07

I knew he wouldn’t go out when you suggested it. He was set on getting into your house to rest and eat and nothing you said was going to stop him.
He sounds unusual and your partner whilst probably not also unusual, was rude to land this on you. He would rather put you out because it will be less awkward for him than putting out the other bloke. Now you know a bit more about where you stand with him.

Gettingbysomehow · 31/08/2023 18:07

Why the hell didn't this man organise a B&B for himself. There is no way on earth I'd stay with strangers.

PrinceHaz · 31/08/2023 18:09

Quitelikeit · 31/08/2023 18:06

Sorry but I think you were downright rude to the stranger. It is not his fault that your partner invited him!

But the bloke will have known partner was at work and he had no compunction about landing himself on a stranger.

BridgetRandomfuck · 31/08/2023 18:09

HarpieDuJour · 31/08/2023 17:26

I just want to say that I'm glad you feel safe, OP, but I was seriously assaulted by a man who I thought I was safe with, because my husband knew him. My husband also thought this man was okay and no danger to anyone. We were both very wrong.
I try not to live my life in fear, but I am cautious. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Exactly the same happened to my sister, and it’s certainly influenced my actions in similar situations. I don’t fear all men nor place massive restrictions on my life, but taking reasonable precautions should be elementary. I put my foot down with DH one time when he wanted me to host a work colleague of his for one night when DH would be away - I had met the guy once, he seemed perfectly nice, but I’m not essentially having a man I barely know in my house overnight by myself. DH got it when I explained and was fine with it - I’d rather seem a bit rude than find out the hard way why I shouldn’t override my instincts.

WickedSerious · 31/08/2023 18:10

Quitelikeit · 31/08/2023 18:06

Sorry but I think you were downright rude to the stranger. It is not his fault that your partner invited him!

It's his fault he ignored the OP when she let him know she wanted him to drop his bags and skedaddle.

MsRosley · 31/08/2023 18:11

I'd be tempted to properly call CF stranger out in front of your partner, so they are both cringing with embarrassment. It will teach them a lesson not to dump on female support units.

Ohhbaby · 31/08/2023 18:12

Cynicaltheorist · 31/08/2023 16:38

Please stop it with the put you at risk to the extent he literally invites a random man off the street in to your house nonsense.

This man is someone who is connected via colleagues of my partner's (he's not my boyfriend, we're not teenagers). He's not 'some random man off the street.' He's going to be running one element of a training event tomorrow.

Most women who are killed in their own homes are killed by people they know. This kind of scaremongering is really dangerous and can lead to women leading fearful lives, scared of venturing out.

Love these arbitrary rules. So a man you're in a relationship with, but not married to is your boyfriend until when? 19? After 5 years? 10?
Pgg, it's just to soften the blow. If you've been dating your boyfriend for 15 years and nothing has come of it, it sounds strange. No if you call him your partner, it seems like you levelled up? That you're not bf and gf? 🤣

Growlybear83 · 31/08/2023 18:12

Screamingabdabz · 31/08/2023 17:51

Make him a cup of tea and a sandwich? And ‘explain politely’ that you are working? Would that be a tiny pathetic apologetic voice? 🙄

Just please stop. You may be a handmaid but many of us just want equality, not mothering grown men.

Show quote history

😂😂How bizarre. Why would I use a 'tiny pathetic apologetic voice'? It's not a question of mothering grown men - I would do exactly the same for a woman. Should I apologise for having manners and not trying to make a visitor to my house feel completely unwelcome? I agree that he shouldn't have turned up so early, but having been told this was OK, it would only have taken five minutes for the OP to make him welcome and explain why she shouldn't be interrupted until she had finished work.

Gettingbysomehow · 31/08/2023 18:14

What kind of wet weekend still living with his mummy is this bloke? I often drive 300 miles to see my sister and then we go straight out and don't come back until late. I'm 61!!! He could have stopped at any service station and had a meal and a drink.
Expecting you to stop working and fix him a meal. I'd have roundly mocked him for his behaviour.

WomblingTree86 · 31/08/2023 18:15

DH did this sort of thing to me years ago so I understand how infuriating it is. I had the impression that it had all been arranged in advance and he just had never asked me as he just took my presence and cooperation for granted. The last time he did it, I just said I was unfortunately called into the office and couldn't be there to answer the door. DH had to rush home and has funnily enough never done anything like this again.