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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you prefer private school?

396 replies

Dontbeamenace · 31/08/2023 00:52

I'm sure I would prefer private school for my children. Would it matter to you if money was no cost?

OP posts:
Outnumberedbyboys2 · 04/09/2023 14:29

No, because my child has SEN and I honestly believe his life would be harder at a private school and staff would be less understanding/empathetic towards him.

TheaBrandt · 04/09/2023 15:02

I spent my teen years being called “posh” at my state school so it was a relief to finally find my tribe! Posh is definitely a relative concept…

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 04/09/2023 15:04

I do and I did for my son. Money was a huge consideration for us but it was worth every penny to us .

JaukiVexnoydi · 04/09/2023 18:37

Outnumberedbyboys2 · 04/09/2023 14:29

No, because my child has SEN and I honestly believe his life would be harder at a private school and staff would be less understanding/empathetic towards him.

Not criticising at all but it's interesting to note that my child has SEN and I honestly believe their life would be harder at a state school because staff would be massively more overworked and underpaid and less likely to have time and energy to get to know all the things that trigger anxieties and meltdowns. Staff at the private school we found are hugely understanding/empathetic towards them and have plenty of time to go the extra mile to provide the space and accommodations needed to create a positive learning environment. When we were choosing schools (3 years ago now) the head of SEN for the private school had loads of time for us and was really helpful in helping us to define the support our child would need, whereas the SEN person for the state alternative either never had the time to reply to our emails/return our phone calls or had some other reason to not interact with us at all.

SlippySarah · 04/09/2023 19:48

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prescribingmum · 04/09/2023 20:05

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So what exactly was the point of your post? Shall I post that a child I went to state school with had multiple teen pregnancies, children were all taken into care and is currently in jail for dealing drugs?! Absolutely not because it is no reflection on her school. So why is it ok to say it about a privately educated person? Clearly because you are inferring it is their school that attributes to her lack of social skills

Scatterbrainbox · 04/09/2023 20:18

No. I'm a teacher who has worked in both sectors. My experience of private is that it's all about putting on a show for the parents so they feel that they have got their money's worth.
I genuinely felt the quality of teaching was higher in state and that children were valued for themselves and not their ability/monetary value to the school.
Obviously that's my anecdotal experience of 5 schools spanning both sectors.
I now work in in a local authority SEND role and have a wider range of schools that I work with. If your child has SEND I would avoid private like the plague.
Children with SEND are seen as a waste of resources because the effort and money spent on them won't convert into top grades. That's on a sample of 30 or so state and 4 private schools in one region.

TheaBrandt · 04/09/2023 20:24

It’s good to hear that there are private schools with good SEN provision my friends bright but autistic son was not accepted into any of the private schools in our city my friend was more than willing and able to pay but those schools were having none of it. The “good “ state school weren’t great with him either he is in the state school people look down on who have been brilliant with him and have a strong SEN department

Scatterbrainbox · 04/09/2023 20:27

To be fair, if private schools had the will and expertise to use their considerable resources to support SEND it probably would be better.
My experience, of a handful of independents, is that their outlook and culture is that it would be a waste as it wont result into top grades, and even if they wanted to, their teachers (certainly those who have always been in private) haven't developed the knowledge or skills to deploy those resources to good effect.
I'm absolutely certain there must be exceptions to this, if you have found one for your son that's fab.

Fruitandclottedcream · 04/09/2023 20:35

I'd send my daughter to a non selective private school if I had the money. She's autistic and has SEND. I think the smaller class size would benefit her massively

SlippySarah · 04/09/2023 20:55

prescribingmum · 04/09/2023 20:05

So what exactly was the point of your post? Shall I post that a child I went to state school with had multiple teen pregnancies, children were all taken into care and is currently in jail for dealing drugs?! Absolutely not because it is no reflection on her school. So why is it ok to say it about a privately educated person? Clearly because you are inferring it is their school that attributes to her lack of social skills

Show quote history

Maybe it was her school that contributed to her lack of social skills. Obviously I've met many people from state schools with terrible social skills. I'm sharing an experience in the same way that 90% of other posters are also sharing their own experiences of state and private schools. I presume you are equally horrified by the poster who announced she wouldn't send her daughter to a mixed sex state school for fear she would be sexually assaulted?

prescribingmum · 04/09/2023 21:29

SlippySarah · 04/09/2023 20:55

Maybe it was her school that contributed to her lack of social skills. Obviously I've met many people from state schools with terrible social skills. I'm sharing an experience in the same way that 90% of other posters are also sharing their own experiences of state and private schools. I presume you are equally horrified by the poster who announced she wouldn't send her daughter to a mixed sex state school for fear she would be sexually assaulted?

Show quote history

Its not my reading or comprehension skills that are lacking here - the OPs question was whether you would choose private education or not. The experience you shared implies you wouldn’t on the basis of your encounter with a privately educated individual with poor social skills which you have attributed to her schooling. If that is not what you are saying, I am struggling to work out why you posted in the first place.

I do roll my eyes at the many stereotypes put out about privilege and not mixing with society because they are utter nonsense. There is also no evidence or any other information to back up all these anecdotal cases that half of MN speak of.

I don’t have the faintest idea on statistics about sexual assault in mixed sex schools - her post seems excessive at first glance but I am not about to pretend I know better when I don’t. My children are primary age and I will look into the details when I need to.

Barbadossunset · 04/09/2023 21:29

Maybe it was her school that contributed to her lack of social skills.

Some people just do lack social skills and are what used to be called ‘gauche’. You find them all over - I don’t think it’s caused by a school.

londonrach · 04/09/2023 21:31

Depends on the school but generally no. The adults I know who gone to private school were not nice people.... might just be my experience.

cobden28 · 04/09/2023 22:06

The only reasons I would consider sending a child of mine to a private school, even if money was no object, would be if the child had sepecial educational needs of a disability that couldn't be met by schools within walking distance of wher I live OR if I was in the military posted away from home and didn't want my child's education disrupted if it was coming up to important exams.

Original poster
Dontbeamenace · 04/09/2023 22:08

Interesting that this post has invited many divided opinions. I appreciate them all.
Those who say privately educated people don't gain experience of the real world irritates me. It's speculative.
The experiences you personally go through in life are the 'real' world.
If your every day life is around university types who are intellectuals, then that's your real life.
If all your friend groups are jet setters and you travel the world to meet up, that's your real life.
If you happen to live in an area surrounded by crime that is your real life...
If your general experience of life has been surrounded with wealth, education, best of the best etc that is your experience of real life and you're unlikely to spend time with others who don't live that life.
Same goes vice versa.

OP posts:
Heatherbell1978 · 05/09/2023 05:35

Dontbeamenace · 04/09/2023 22:08

Interesting that this post has invited many divided opinions. I appreciate them all.
Those who say privately educated people don't gain experience of the real world irritates me. It's speculative.
The experiences you personally go through in life are the 'real' world.
If your every day life is around university types who are intellectuals, then that's your real life.
If all your friend groups are jet setters and you travel the world to meet up, that's your real life.
If you happen to live in an area surrounded by crime that is your real life...
If your general experience of life has been surrounded with wealth, education, best of the best etc that is your experience of real life and you're unlikely to spend time with others who don't live that life.
Same goes vice versa.

Totally agree. I know an incredibly entitled and spoiled woman who is part of our friendship group. Can't hold down a job, jet sets around the world, completely unaware of the world around her as her dad is a millionaire and bails her out constantly. She went to state school. All the adults I know who were private school educated don't behave like this. It's your upbringing, not your school.

Xenia · 05/09/2023 06:20

Yes, usually the family has the biggest influence and you get awful children in both sectors and lovely ones. 20% of sixth formers go to fee paying schools (most of those are day schools). I was happy to pay fees for private day schools. My children's father has worked in both sectors as a teacher but would not go back to the state school now as he finds it better in the private sector.

I wanted single sex private schools which we found.

TheaBrandt · 05/09/2023 07:26

Same with manners and confidence etc I think that’s parents rather than school.

I think if you go state you need to accept that as a parent you have to do more. The state can provide the education but everything extra is on you - decent sports/manners/social skills/tutoring you need to source yourself particularly now. I get that if finances allowed and you were busy private would be much easier as more of that would be done by the school.

Also if you are full on and want input from
school etc definitely go private. My lovely friend was always calling her child’s school for updates with issues etc the little state primary her kids were at couldn’t cope with that. As a parent she is far happier now her kids at private as basically she’s a customer and is treated like one.

DryHair · 05/09/2023 07:51

How do people know who went to private or state school as adults? The comments re ‘all the people I know who went to private school have been awful’.

Do you ask your dentist or doctor where they went to school? Your colleagues? Your kids’ teacher? Your hairdresser?

Which school you attended comes up at university but not after that I find. I even have friends I have known for years and I don’t know what kind of school they went to.

If you are asking everyone what school they went to, then that’s really odd. For most people as adults, it’s irrelevant!

Britneyfan · 05/09/2023 08:00

I would have definitely sent my child to a private school if I had the money. My child has ADHD and I would have thought they had better resources, smaller class sizes etc (plus I have always been jealous of the innate confidence that many people who went to private school seem to have, though this may correlate more with wealth than private school perhaps).

My sibling went to a private school as he didn’t get into the grammar the rest of us went to, and he ended up extremely well connected which smoothed his path in life career wise and gave him some amazing low cost holiday options with friends.

Interesting to see some people say SEN provision maybe isn’t great at private but it also seems not great in many state schools including grammars from my experience. Really sad to see that it’s seen as a waste of resources to help these children to achieve their full potential as per a PP above.

TheaBrandt · 05/09/2023 08:04

Absolutely Dry it’s impossible to tell!

I was asked at a job interview though 🙄

DryHair · 05/09/2023 08:29

TheaBrandt · 05/09/2023 08:04

Absolutely Dry it’s impossible to tell!

I was asked at a job interview though 🙄

Gosh. That’s old-school!

Heatherbell1978 · 05/09/2023 09:10

DryHair · 05/09/2023 07:51

How do people know who went to private or state school as adults? The comments re ‘all the people I know who went to private school have been awful’.

Do you ask your dentist or doctor where they went to school? Your colleagues? Your kids’ teacher? Your hairdresser?

Which school you attended comes up at university but not after that I find. I even have friends I have known for years and I don’t know what kind of school they went to.

If you are asking everyone what school they went to, then that’s really odd. For most people as adults, it’s irrelevant!

I live in a city in Scotland where it's a normal topic of conversation. Some weird cultural thing.

TheaBrandt · 05/09/2023 09:17

It was mortifying. He had been to the top public school in the city I grew up in. Asked me where I went “oh I haven’t heard of that one”…

Got the job though! Was a long time ago in the City hopefully things have moved on!