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Original poster

How to manage adult DSD reclaiming her childhood room when she no longer lives at home?

133 replies

zazas · 30/08/2023 20:34

My DSD who is 23 next month is currently moving out of staff accommodation where she has been living as part of her job since she finished university in May 2022. She asked if we could store some of her things as she is going traveling for a month or so before she moves to another country for further training. Not a problem as we have a large storage space and her siblings already store their things there - we are talking kitchen stuff / small furniture / books etc.

However while we have been away on a holiday she has moved her things back into her old room that had been converted into a guest room and completely reconfigured it and decorated it with her things - including furniture (the existing furniture in there has been squeezed up against the walls). In fairness some of her small things have remained in the room since she left for university and it is always the room she stays in when she returns. She hasn't mentioned that she is wanting to move back home for a period (although she is welcomed) as she is 100% leaving in October after her travels - as far as we know.

My DH (her DF) and I are a little confused to how to deal with it. We are keen to keep this room as the guest room and continue with doing up the house (in our style) now that the older children who are in their twenties are living independently (we have one 16 years old DD still at home) but we also sensitive to the emotional connection young adults have to their home. It is worth mentioning that we live relatively rurally and not close to employment or educational opportunities, so we aren't offering a home in an area that young people would struggle to find accommodation.

Do we just accept that this is what she needs right now and accommodate or do we mention that while she is always welcome to come back to stay and obviously store things with us, that it is also the time that we need to reclaim the house and start to change it into one that is suitable for our needs now? If not now - then when?

Parenting 20 year olds is tricky at times!

OP posts:
Hyppogriff · 30/08/2023 20:41

I think accept it and see for a while while she is in a transitional phase

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2023 20:47

She should have asked. She hasn’t lived there for years, it’s bizarre and very rude to redecorate and fill up a room in your home without even asking first.

I have no sympathy for the idea that rooms belong to adults who no longer live in them. The day I left for uni one of my brothers took over mine at mum’s, I completely understood! We didn’t have bedrooms each at my dad’s, no one came to any short term or long lasting harm…

Skybluecoat · 30/08/2023 20:49

I would just move her stuff into the storage area with everyone else’s.

StripeyDeckchair · 30/08/2023 20:49

Nope, talk about it with her & put her stuff into the storage area.
She's being cheeky

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 30/08/2023 20:49

I think I’d just ask her outright.
”we noticed that you had moved your thinks and decorated the room. Are you planning stay with us for a while or move back in? If not we were planning to use the space as a guest room”.

I think it is lovely you are so thoughtful to her needs. However I think leaving the room as she has left it while she travels with no specified return date is a bit of a waste of space if you could be using the space for something else.

MumblesParty · 30/08/2023 20:50

I think it depends how often you have guests. If you plan to use that room for guests regularly then I’d clear her stuff out. But if it’s rare then you may as well leave everything where it’s.

junebirthdaygirl · 30/08/2023 20:52

My dc still have their rooms. In their 20s one living abroad. I had my room in my dms until she died when l was in my 50s!!! I had bought and sold three houses by then!! I use my dcs rooms if l need them for guests and so did my dm. I would say nothing as it might be a treat for her dad to have her back for a short while and for her younger sibling so they have time together.

MattDamon · 30/08/2023 20:53

Will you being doing the same with the 16-year-old when she is the same age?

Stratocumulus · 30/08/2023 20:55

Hmmmm, it’s a difficult one but if your DH is in accord I’d move her stuff out to storage and reclaim the guest space.
My offspring left home and I reclaimed their space. Nobody seemed to mind.

pinksquash13 · 30/08/2023 20:57

I felt a real connection to my childhood room and it definitely felt like 'mine' even when I moved out. Unsure how my parents felt lol. Do you need the room without her stuff in it? If not, I'd leave it a while and see what the future holds. It definitely can't be a shrine to her indefinitely but perhaps for a transitional period.

RosemaryDill · 30/08/2023 20:59

Has anyone actually told her that she no longer has a home with you?
I can't imagine not welcoming one of my DC back if they needed it.
DC2 is 25 and has needed to spend a few months back at home more than once since leaving uni.
If you have guests and she is away they can still use the room.

mosiacmaker · 30/08/2023 21:02

I think it depends on whether you need her room as a guest room or whether that’s just an idea you had but you never have guests. I think bringing it up like it’s an “issue” has the potential to make it awkward and weird and make her feel embarrassed/unwelcome.

if she just wants to store stuff in there but you do need it for guests then when she leaves maybe just casually let her know that you might move some things into storage now she’s gone if guests come. When guests come use your chance to convert back to guest room.

No need to have a sit down chat about respecting space etc

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/08/2023 22:02

Unless you're planning to use the room soon I would just ask her what her plans are when she moves in October and let her know she can't leave her stuff there indefinitely.

Yellowlegobrick · 30/08/2023 22:43

Id just explain that you use the room as a guest room now, so when she's not there you'll put things away in a cupboard and furniture needs to go in storage.

She's almost 23, she might feel sad, and? She'll cope, she's adult, she should be able to process this emotionally. It's just a room. She's already had to go and move out of it for university.

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 15:57

Hyppogriff · 30/08/2023 20:41

I think accept it and see for a while while she is in a transitional phase

I think that is what we will do...definitely a transition phase for her...

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 15:59

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2023 20:47

She should have asked. She hasn’t lived there for years, it’s bizarre and very rude to redecorate and fill up a room in your home without even asking first.

I have no sympathy for the idea that rooms belong to adults who no longer live in them. The day I left for uni one of my brothers took over mine at mum’s, I completely understood! We didn’t have bedrooms each at my dad’s, no one came to any short term or long lasting harm…

We agree - her asking should have happened and yes we all think it is a little strange (including her DS). However I am sensitive/interested to how different people feel as both my DH and I left home and while welcomed back, our rooms were no longer ours - pretty sure no harm came!

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 31/08/2023 16:00

It's already September she's back in October and you say definitely moving into her own accommodation. If you don't need the guest room for the next 4 weeks or so I'd leave it.

Shinyandnew1 · 31/08/2023 16:00

I’d have told her when she asked that she was welcome to put her stuff in X place with the others you’re storing.

Are you planning to use this room for other people to stay in? You mention it being a guest room. If so, tell her this and say you’ll be popping her bits in X.

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 16:02

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 30/08/2023 20:49

I think I’d just ask her outright.
”we noticed that you had moved your thinks and decorated the room. Are you planning stay with us for a while or move back in? If not we were planning to use the space as a guest room”.

I think it is lovely you are so thoughtful to her needs. However I think leaving the room as she has left it while she travels with no specified return date is a bit of a waste of space if you could be using the space for something else.

I think yes, we will ask her what her plans are...we thought we knew what they were! I guess it is the open ended of it all - if she was going away for a few months and wanted to come back to stay - great but it is an extended (at least a year) that she is planning on being away. My 6 months away ended up being 25 years and counting :)

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 31/08/2023 16:02

Hmm, think I’d move her stuff to the storage area. If she’s off abroad soon, there is no need for her to ‘reclaim’ the room.

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 16:03

MumblesParty · 30/08/2023 20:50

I think it depends how often you have guests. If you plan to use that room for guests regularly then I’d clear her stuff out. But if it’s rare then you may as well leave everything where it’s.

Actually quite a bit but we also can't access the bookcase / wardrobe and drawers that were in there already due to how she has re arranged it.

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 16:06

junebirthdaygirl · 30/08/2023 20:52

My dc still have their rooms. In their 20s one living abroad. I had my room in my dms until she died when l was in my 50s!!! I had bought and sold three houses by then!! I use my dcs rooms if l need them for guests and so did my dm. I would say nothing as it might be a treat for her dad to have her back for a short while and for her younger sibling so they have time together.

Oh I have no problem with her returning to stay with us (she is joy to have around) although she is 100% about to leave to travel for at least a year but it is adding all in things in there and rearranging the room so we can't use it as a guest room anymore that was a bit strange especially when we have a storage unit that she can easily use.

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 16:10

MattDamon · 30/08/2023 20:53

Will you being doing the same with the 16-year-old when she is the same age?

I expect so - the older ones have encouraged us to use their rooms in how it works for us - obviously we still have some of their stuff in there until one day we all decide that it is no longer needed (old clothes / books / childhood collectables) - when ever that might be! I am not precious about taking back their rooms or anything but more about keeping them functional for them to be used when they are no longer here permanently - which not means crowding them with their newly gained stuff - especially when we have a storage option.

OP posts:
MabelMaybe · 31/08/2023 16:10

Maybe look at a compromise for this - we noticed that you've moved all your stuff into your old room. We need to use the room for visitors at christmas, access the bookcase and wardrobe etc. so not all the things you've placed in the room can stay there. Do you want to move some things out into the storage container yourself, or are you happy for us to?

crosstalk · 31/08/2023 16:11

Just tell her that since she's going to be away for a year you'll be moving her stuff into storage and the room back to what it was - and when she knows what's she's up to on her return things can be rejigged etc.