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Original poster

How to manage adult DSD reclaiming her childhood room when she no longer lives at home?

133 replies

zazas · 30/08/2023 20:34

My DSD who is 23 next month is currently moving out of staff accommodation where she has been living as part of her job since she finished university in May 2022. She asked if we could store some of her things as she is going traveling for a month or so before she moves to another country for further training. Not a problem as we have a large storage space and her siblings already store their things there - we are talking kitchen stuff / small furniture / books etc.

However while we have been away on a holiday she has moved her things back into her old room that had been converted into a guest room and completely reconfigured it and decorated it with her things - including furniture (the existing furniture in there has been squeezed up against the walls). In fairness some of her small things have remained in the room since she left for university and it is always the room she stays in when she returns. She hasn't mentioned that she is wanting to move back home for a period (although she is welcomed) as she is 100% leaving in October after her travels - as far as we know.

My DH (her DF) and I are a little confused to how to deal with it. We are keen to keep this room as the guest room and continue with doing up the house (in our style) now that the older children who are in their twenties are living independently (we have one 16 years old DD still at home) but we also sensitive to the emotional connection young adults have to their home. It is worth mentioning that we live relatively rurally and not close to employment or educational opportunities, so we aren't offering a home in an area that young people would struggle to find accommodation.

Do we just accept that this is what she needs right now and accommodate or do we mention that while she is always welcome to come back to stay and obviously store things with us, that it is also the time that we need to reclaim the house and start to change it into one that is suitable for our needs now? If not now - then when?

Parenting 20 year olds is tricky at times!

OP posts:
threecupsofteaminimum · 31/08/2023 17:34

Oh, drip feed

threecupsofteaminimum · 31/08/2023 17:36

Didn't realise she's not your daughter.

You keep referencing how your guest room isn't available owing to her.

How often do you have guests..

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 17:47

GingerIsBest · 31/08/2023 16:41

haha, I love th posters who seem to think you're tossing her out. My parents made it clear we were welcome to stay or visit or use them as backstop but we had to move out after uni. When I returned to visit I always slept in "my" room - and there were still a few bits and pieces from my life with them in the room but it was redecorated in the meantime with different furniture and bedding etc. My furniture was stored or sent to me or got rid of, as required.

If it wasn't for the lamps and curtains I'd say she just dumped it for convenience. But it is definitely a bit odd.

No tossing out going on! I would imagine it is pretty normal to need to redecorate the rooms - the furniture/bedding from when they were little was pretty cheep and not now that functional - I can see the angst my DS went through sitting exams - his desk is a right mess of scratchings - no one wants to see that anymore!

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 17:52

Soontobe60 · 31/08/2023 16:58

‘Since 2022’ isnt years!

Show quote history

No sorry if that wasn't clear but she left in 2019 to go to university - graduated last year, moved into staff accommodation with her job last summer and is moving out of that accommodation now before she goes away travelling for a few weeks and then away for a year (at least) in another country (outside Europe) - so it has been 4 years this September.

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 17:54

TrishTrix · 31/08/2023 17:03

I wonder if she just didn't think? I know I moved stuff back to my parents and was a bit surprised that they didn't willingly welcome it into what was my old room but wanted it in the garage.

I like the suggestion above - ask her if she is still going away and if she is just tell her that her stuff will need to go into the storage room so you can use her space while she is away.

Oh I am sure she didn't really give it much thought - I don't want upset her at all - but it is a bit impractical; I just wanted some feedback about how to address it sensitively.

OP posts:
ChristmasKraken · 31/08/2023 17:55

threecupsofteaminimum · 31/08/2023 17:36

Didn't realise she's not your daughter.

You keep referencing how your guest room isn't available owing to her.

How often do you have guests..

She literally says in the thread title and the OP that it's her step daughter ("DSD"). I appreciate not everyone is familiar with the acronyms used online, but it definitely wasn't a drip feed.

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I am not sure who you are referring to but neither I nor my DSD are.

OP posts:
Sunflower7777 · 31/08/2023 17:56

I think she probably just naturally put her stuff in there as she thinks of it as 'her' room

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 17:57

FrenchandSaunders · 31/08/2023 17:19

My DD is 22 and graduated from uni last year, she has stayed in her uni town and found a job. However, her room in our house is still hers. She comes back and stays occasionally.

We've changed it a bit and guests do sleep in there, but ultimately it is her room, and I think it will be until she buys a home, rather than renting.

How often do you have guests?

Quite a lot - due to our location and work - it is not that she isn't coming back and staying when ever she wants but how she has rearranged it with her all things (including furniture) so it now can't be used as a guest room as it is all a bit rammed in there...

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 18:01

TripleDaisySummer · 31/08/2023 17:06

I’ll never understand how parents just open the door kick their kids out for uni then get surprised when they want their rooms back at the end, if even temporarily.

DD1 swapped room from large to small with sibling over summer as she'll not be here most of the year so child who is needs no space - there was no drama or upset with it they sorted it out. Started suggesting to DS when he goes we'll have to put doubled bed in and give DGP somewhere to stop in house rather than in a hotel - they need a proper bed not the temp downstair one now.

Doesn't mean we won't store their stuff or that they wouldn't be welcomed back - just we have a limited amount of space and the priories and claims to that space shift depending on who is spending most time in the house.

I think OP a conversation or a series of conversations - asking about plans and saying if she not there fully time then room for guests would be needed but she is always welcome back.

Edited

We are the same - all welcome back / prepared to store things. We have her full size dress mannequin in the corner of one room (as she was a fashion student) that doesn't really fit in with the available space / decorating vibe of the house but hey ho! But yes a conversation was / is needed...we were remiss to have not done so.

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 18:03

DisforDarkChocolate · 31/08/2023 17:25

Putting some personal things in their would be fine with me but moving furniture so you can't use it properly is too far for me. It may be a time of transition for her but it is for you too. She doesn't get to impose this while your on holiday, that's very rude.

It is the furniture really isn't it that is the problem...the storage unit can take the furniture fine so that was never an issue and it is not dumped in the room - there are plants, throws and cushions and rugs all set up around it - but it just doesn't fit!

OP posts:
babyproblems · 31/08/2023 18:04

What exactly is the problem - that you need the room for other guests already organised, or that you take offence at her moving the furniture, or that you feel it’s unfair on the others with just storage?? I don’t understand what your actual gripe is with the situation. Is it just you feel she’s an adult and you don’t want to provide accommodation? I don’t see why you would grudge having her stuff in a room that was hers and is often used by her. It sounds a bit like you’re trying to draw a line somewhere for some reason but it’s not really clear to me from your post why…

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 18:06

threecupsofteaminimum · 31/08/2023 17:29

Bloody hell it's only a room. I wouldn't ignite a situation where your daughter may feel ill at ease in her literal family home!

She may be struggling a little and looking to recuperate a bit in what she naturally feels is 'her' personal happy space.

I'd leave her be and see if she needs support,with a hugely transitional stage in her life, but that's just me. My parents neglected and rejected the shit out of me so I've swung the other way on the pendulum a bit.

Yes that is what I feel as well - definitely going to leave it for a bit we can work around it for now - but will need a conversation eventually...

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 31/08/2023 18:07

babyproblems · 31/08/2023 18:04

What exactly is the problem - that you need the room for other guests already organised, or that you take offence at her moving the furniture, or that you feel it’s unfair on the others with just storage?? I don’t understand what your actual gripe is with the situation. Is it just you feel she’s an adult and you don’t want to provide accommodation? I don’t see why you would grudge having her stuff in a room that was hers and is often used by her. It sounds a bit like you’re trying to draw a line somewhere for some reason but it’s not really clear to me from your post why…

They want a guest room-it’s been mentioned.

DH could say, ‘I didn’t realise quite how much stuff you’d be bringing back-it’s fine to store it here but we’re going to box it up and put it in the *+ so we can put XYZ in there when they come and stay’

RosesAndHellebores · 31/08/2023 18:08

My DC left for uni in 2014 and 2018 respectively. DS is now married. DD lives at home. The DC will always have a home with us if they want or need it.

DH still has his bedroom at his parents' house. He's 62!

My parents were divorced. Mother moved to her present house with step when I was 16/17. My bedroom stopped being mine by the time I was about 19.

Guess which one of us felt unloved and insecure.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/08/2023 18:09

Just explain to her that you need access. She can’t expect to just use it for storage so you can’t use it whilst she is away for a year!

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 18:10

threecupsofteaminimum · 31/08/2023 17:36

Didn't realise she's not your daughter.

You keep referencing how your guest room isn't available owing to her.

How often do you have guests..

I always said she was my DSD...but also this isn't a step parenting issue. As mentioned it's because her moving her furniture into the room (even though we have suitable storage space for it) has meant the existing furniture is all squashed against the wall and no longer can we access the wardrobe/ drawers and bookshelf - as there is stuff piled up in front of them.

OP posts:
threecupsofteaminimum · 31/08/2023 18:11

Sorry, i genuinely missed the DSD bit, apologies.

CurlewKate · 31/08/2023 18:13

Do you need the room for anything?

babyproblems · 31/08/2023 18:15

I understand your saying it’s impractical for you to access the furniture but do you actually need to access it or is this really just a handy reason to stand behind?? Be really honest with yourself… I can’t really see how this can be an important enough reason to justify the hurt you’ll cause by drawing a hard line and making your step daughter feel like she’s not as welcome as she thinks… I think you’d be better to let it go and relish the fact she clearly feels it’s her ‘home’ and she feels secure enough in the family. Many people don’t have that. X

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 18:17

babyproblems · 31/08/2023 18:04

What exactly is the problem - that you need the room for other guests already organised, or that you take offence at her moving the furniture, or that you feel it’s unfair on the others with just storage?? I don’t understand what your actual gripe is with the situation. Is it just you feel she’s an adult and you don’t want to provide accommodation? I don’t see why you would grudge having her stuff in a room that was hers and is often used by her. It sounds a bit like you’re trying to draw a line somewhere for some reason but it’s not really clear to me from your post why…

Sorry - it is probably lost now in earlier posts - it is the moving in of all her stuff from the last 4 years including furniture so that we can't access what is there anymore plus it can't be used by guests either. Fine if she was moving back (which she is welcomed to) but she is about go away for over year. Just trying to sense check how to mention this to her in a sensitive way - appreciating that this is a relatively vulnerable time of her life but also unsure why when we said yes bring your stuff home and we will box it and put it in storage (like her siblings uni stuff) that she decided to re organise the room (including adding in new curtains / lampshades) so it is no longer able to be used in the same way as it has for the last 4 years? She did this while we were on holiday so weren't here at the time which might have helped us understand!

OP posts:
Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 31/08/2023 18:17

I think you just need to say "It is fine to have it like this until you leave in October but your Dad and I will need to box most of it up and put it in storage and then put the furniture back like it was before so we can get to our bookcases and wardrobes; also we have friends staying in two weeks so I need to get it straight for then as we will be using it as a guest room too. There will always be a bed here for you when you are back from your travels and we love you visiting but we will probably be redecorating etc once we decide on how we are going to set it up long term, and all your things will be safely stored"

ttcat37 · 31/08/2023 18:17

You could say something along the lines of-

Good to see you got your stuff back in your old room! We didn’t realise it was the big furniture as well- will you be moving back in for a bit? You’re very welcome too. If so we’ll arrange to get the other furniture moved out. If you don’t have plans to move in, would you like us to put your big furniture and larger items in storage for you so that we can still use the room as a guest room?

Shinyandnew1 · 31/08/2023 18:19

CurlewKate · 31/08/2023 18:13

Do you need the room for anything?

If your read the OP’s posts, you would probably find out.

adriftabroad · 31/08/2023 18:22

How odd. I would never make DDs room a "spare room" at 23.

I live in Spain though, you are responsible for providing a room in a home until 24 as a minmum.

But in England I still would never do this. Keep it as a "spare room". I find it nasty tbh.

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