Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to manage adult DSD reclaiming her childhood room when she no longer lives at home?

133 replies

zazas · 30/08/2023 20:34

My DSD who is 23 next month is currently moving out of staff accommodation where she has been living as part of her job since she finished university in May 2022. She asked if we could store some of her things as she is going traveling for a month or so before she moves to another country for further training. Not a problem as we have a large storage space and her siblings already store their things there - we are talking kitchen stuff / small furniture / books etc.

However while we have been away on a holiday she has moved her things back into her old room that had been converted into a guest room and completely reconfigured it and decorated it with her things - including furniture (the existing furniture in there has been squeezed up against the walls). In fairness some of her small things have remained in the room since she left for university and it is always the room she stays in when she returns. She hasn't mentioned that she is wanting to move back home for a period (although she is welcomed) as she is 100% leaving in October after her travels - as far as we know.

My DH (her DF) and I are a little confused to how to deal with it. We are keen to keep this room as the guest room and continue with doing up the house (in our style) now that the older children who are in their twenties are living independently (we have one 16 years old DD still at home) but we also sensitive to the emotional connection young adults have to their home. It is worth mentioning that we live relatively rurally and not close to employment or educational opportunities, so we aren't offering a home in an area that young people would struggle to find accommodation.

Do we just accept that this is what she needs right now and accommodate or do we mention that while she is always welcome to come back to stay and obviously store things with us, that it is also the time that we need to reclaim the house and start to change it into one that is suitable for our needs now? If not now - then when?

Parenting 20 year olds is tricky at times!

OP posts:
NotQuiteHere · 31/08/2023 16:48

If you are planning to use it as a guest room anyway, does it matter that it is decorated to her taste?

StinkyWizzleteets · 31/08/2023 16:52

I’ll never understand how parents just open the door kick their kids out for uni then get surprised when they want their rooms back at the end, if even temporarily.

i think you’re being really unreasonable. To her it will feel like the second she’s gone all traces removed (why keep a few of her things in there if it is no longer her room to use?) and where’s she meant to sleep? The sofa?

Theres this weird juxtaposition on MN where kids hit 16 and they’re independent whether they like it or not and expected to be 100% adult in all they say and do, leave home and instantly know how to conduct themselves as an adult. Then there are the ones who treat their adult kids like they’re still incapable children Who need everything done for them, don’t ever have to pay rent or do their washing etc.

Where is everyone from real life who lives in the middle where life is shades of grey.

Mumof4plusbonus · 31/08/2023 16:54

It’s probably to protect her things, she maybe thinks they won’t be as protected in the storage unit. Either way it’s very cheeky and entitled. She’s moved out it’s not her room anymore. Yes you would allow her to move back on if she needed, but at the moment she does not live there. Move the stuff to the unit. She should have packed them appropriately

Mumof4plusbonus · 31/08/2023 16:56

StinkyWizzleteets · 31/08/2023 16:52

I’ll never understand how parents just open the door kick their kids out for uni then get surprised when they want their rooms back at the end, if even temporarily.

i think you’re being really unreasonable. To her it will feel like the second she’s gone all traces removed (why keep a few of her things in there if it is no longer her room to use?) and where’s she meant to sleep? The sofa?

Theres this weird juxtaposition on MN where kids hit 16 and they’re independent whether they like it or not and expected to be 100% adult in all they say and do, leave home and instantly know how to conduct themselves as an adult. Then there are the ones who treat their adult kids like they’re still incapable children Who need everything done for them, don’t ever have to pay rent or do their washing etc.

Where is everyone from real life who lives in the middle where life is shades of grey.

Edited

She’s not coming back from uni, she had moved out and was working and living alone. How else would she have all this excess furniture?

TenderDandelions · 31/08/2023 16:56

"We were wondering, DSD, whether you are still planning on going travelling?"

If she answered yes, you can just say "we'll help you move all your stuff in to the garage/storage before you go then, so we can use the room as a spare room while you're away."

That way you're not saying she can't return at the end of her travels, but you get the room back. Chances are the life experiences she gets while travelling will mean that she either never comes back, or only stays for a short while, as she decides on her next step.

I don't think the "will you be staying here when you get back" conversation needs to happen just now.

Soontobe60 · 31/08/2023 16:58

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2023 20:47

She should have asked. She hasn’t lived there for years, it’s bizarre and very rude to redecorate and fill up a room in your home without even asking first.

I have no sympathy for the idea that rooms belong to adults who no longer live in them. The day I left for uni one of my brothers took over mine at mum’s, I completely understood! We didn’t have bedrooms each at my dad’s, no one came to any short term or long lasting harm…

‘Since 2022’ isnt years!

StinkyWizzleteets · 31/08/2023 16:58

Mumof4plusbonus · 31/08/2023 16:56

She’s not coming back from uni, she had moved out and was working and living alone. How else would she have all this excess furniture?

Show quote history

Point still stands. Do parents no longer have any stake in their offspring’s well-being once they’re 18? Is the fact she wants to stay at home temporarily negated by the fact she moved away to uni and didn’t move back the day after her final exam?

Your pendantry doesn’t change the point of my post.

Shinyandnew1 · 31/08/2023 17:00

NotQuiteHere · 31/08/2023 16:48

If you are planning to use it as a guest room anyway, does it matter that it is decorated to her taste?

Have you actually read what the OP wrote though?

The DD has
rearranged the room with her furniture to the point where it isn’t usable as a guest room and she is about go away for a long time. All the existing furniture in the room has been pushed up against a wall and we can't access it - which we need to.

TrishTrix · 31/08/2023 17:03

I wonder if she just didn't think? I know I moved stuff back to my parents and was a bit surprised that they didn't willingly welcome it into what was my old room but wanted it in the garage.

I like the suggestion above - ask her if she is still going away and if she is just tell her that her stuff will need to go into the storage room so you can use her space while she is away.

TripleDaisySummer · 31/08/2023 17:06

I’ll never understand how parents just open the door kick their kids out for uni then get surprised when they want their rooms back at the end, if even temporarily.

DD1 swapped room from large to small with sibling over summer as she'll not be here most of the year so child who is needs no space - there was no drama or upset with it they sorted it out. Started suggesting to DS when he goes we'll have to put doubled bed in and give DGP somewhere to stop in house rather than in a hotel - they need a proper bed not the temp downstair one now.

Doesn't mean we won't store their stuff or that they wouldn't be welcomed back - just we have a limited amount of space and the priories and claims to that space shift depending on who is spending most time in the house.

I think OP a conversation or a series of conversations - asking about plans and saying if she not there fully time then room for guests would be needed but she is always welcome back.

ihadamarveloustime · 31/08/2023 17:06

Just move her things into storage with the other family members' things and tell her you did so because you need your guest room for actual guests.

Papillon23 · 31/08/2023 17:06

I think I would agree re keeping it practical. I.e. needs to be usable as a guest room and to access the things in there. You are planning to move X, Y and Z into storage space (and optionally also say you're planning to store curtains, lampshades etc so they aren't getting worn while she's away) and that if she needs to move back in at some point to let you know so you can plan the space in the house?

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 31/08/2023 17:06

How did she manage to rearrange the room without anyone noticing?

silverbubbles · 31/08/2023 17:07

If you don't address this now it will be much harder months down the line when she has moved out as expected....

MeridianB · 31/08/2023 17:07

She hung different curtains, changed the lampshade and 'decorated' with her belongings? Something tells me the 'international' job is not happening.

Either way, it's pretty entitled and rude behaviour, so don't reward it. Move the stuff into storage now.

Mumof4plusbonus · 31/08/2023 17:11

StinkyWizzleteets · 31/08/2023 16:58

Point still stands. Do parents no longer have any stake in their offspring’s well-being once they’re 18? Is the fact she wants to stay at home temporarily negated by the fact she moved away to uni and didn’t move back the day after her final exam?

Your pendantry doesn’t change the point of my post.

Show quote history

No I’m actually really against the washing your hands of your children at 18. Your children are your children for life. I can’t imagine ever not feeling a responsibility to them or not having a home for them if they needed it and I was capable of providing it.
But her daughter isn’t moving home, she’s just storing her stuff there. She’s moved her furniture from her adult house into her childhood bedroom that is already full of furniture. She did all this without asking. She’s moving away for a year and leaving the room unusable when the op has a use for it. It’s not the same thing. No one kicked her out or washed their hands of her. I think the daughter has been disrespectful

BakingBeanz · 31/08/2023 17:15

Did you ever actually say to her that what was her room is now the guest room? I think it’s really easy to assume everyone is on the same page about this sort of thing but often it helps to spell it out, kindly. She may simply have thought “oh my stuff will be fine in there, my curtains won’t get creased if I hang them up” etc and not really twigged that you had other plans for the room at all.

I would definitely talk it all through with her. All this moving stuff around without discussion is a bit ridiculous- her moving her things in and people suggesting you just move them out again. Save yourself a load of time and hassle by actually discussing it.

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 17:16

StinkyWizzleteets · 31/08/2023 16:52

I’ll never understand how parents just open the door kick their kids out for uni then get surprised when they want their rooms back at the end, if even temporarily.

i think you’re being really unreasonable. To her it will feel like the second she’s gone all traces removed (why keep a few of her things in there if it is no longer her room to use?) and where’s she meant to sleep? The sofa?

Theres this weird juxtaposition on MN where kids hit 16 and they’re independent whether they like it or not and expected to be 100% adult in all they say and do, leave home and instantly know how to conduct themselves as an adult. Then there are the ones who treat their adult kids like they’re still incapable children Who need everything done for them, don’t ever have to pay rent or do their washing etc.

Where is everyone from real life who lives in the middle where life is shades of grey.

Edited

I haven't said that at all - throughout all my messages just put your mind at ease.

OP posts:
Nightsku · 31/08/2023 17:16

I’d ask why has she put her stuff all over the room when she’s only storing it there and that you are boxing it up.

Cosycover · 31/08/2023 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FrenchandSaunders · 31/08/2023 17:19

My DD is 22 and graduated from uni last year, she has stayed in her uni town and found a job. However, her room in our house is still hers. She comes back and stays occasionally.

We've changed it a bit and guests do sleep in there, but ultimately it is her room, and I think it will be until she buys a home, rather than renting.

How often do you have guests?

StinkyWizzleteets · 31/08/2023 17:19

TripleDaisySummer · 31/08/2023 17:06

I’ll never understand how parents just open the door kick their kids out for uni then get surprised when they want their rooms back at the end, if even temporarily.

DD1 swapped room from large to small with sibling over summer as she'll not be here most of the year so child who is needs no space - there was no drama or upset with it they sorted it out. Started suggesting to DS when he goes we'll have to put doubled bed in and give DGP somewhere to stop in house rather than in a hotel - they need a proper bed not the temp downstair one now.

Doesn't mean we won't store their stuff or that they wouldn't be welcomed back - just we have a limited amount of space and the priories and claims to that space shift depending on who is spending most time in the house.

I think OP a conversation or a series of conversations - asking about plans and saying if she not there fully time then room for guests would be needed but she is always welcome back.

Edited

That’s a sensible move swapping rooms so the remaining at home child gets more space. Different to saying don’t mess up the guest room dear, we don’t want you or your stuff here longer than a weekend (made up scenario not the OP) now you’re a grown up.

DisforDarkChocolate · 31/08/2023 17:25

Putting some personal things in their would be fine with me but moving furniture so you can't use it properly is too far for me. It may be a time of transition for her but it is for you too. She doesn't get to impose this while your on holiday, that's very rude.

drspouse · 31/08/2023 17:29

I would send a supportive but clarifying message re staying with you and her personal stuff (decoration, nick nacks, books) would be easy to fit in with a guest room but not furniture. What if you have guests before she comes back? Move the furniture back into storage.

threecupsofteaminimum · 31/08/2023 17:29

Bloody hell it's only a room. I wouldn't ignite a situation where your daughter may feel ill at ease in her literal family home!

She may be struggling a little and looking to recuperate a bit in what she naturally feels is 'her' personal happy space.

I'd leave her be and see if she needs support,with a hugely transitional stage in her life, but that's just me. My parents neglected and rejected the shit out of me so I've swung the other way on the pendulum a bit.