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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to manage adult DSD reclaiming her childhood room when she no longer lives at home?

133 replies

zazas · 30/08/2023 20:34

My DSD who is 23 next month is currently moving out of staff accommodation where she has been living as part of her job since she finished university in May 2022. She asked if we could store some of her things as she is going traveling for a month or so before she moves to another country for further training. Not a problem as we have a large storage space and her siblings already store their things there - we are talking kitchen stuff / small furniture / books etc.

However while we have been away on a holiday she has moved her things back into her old room that had been converted into a guest room and completely reconfigured it and decorated it with her things - including furniture (the existing furniture in there has been squeezed up against the walls). In fairness some of her small things have remained in the room since she left for university and it is always the room she stays in when she returns. She hasn't mentioned that she is wanting to move back home for a period (although she is welcomed) as she is 100% leaving in October after her travels - as far as we know.

My DH (her DF) and I are a little confused to how to deal with it. We are keen to keep this room as the guest room and continue with doing up the house (in our style) now that the older children who are in their twenties are living independently (we have one 16 years old DD still at home) but we also sensitive to the emotional connection young adults have to their home. It is worth mentioning that we live relatively rurally and not close to employment or educational opportunities, so we aren't offering a home in an area that young people would struggle to find accommodation.

Do we just accept that this is what she needs right now and accommodate or do we mention that while she is always welcome to come back to stay and obviously store things with us, that it is also the time that we need to reclaim the house and start to change it into one that is suitable for our needs now? If not now - then when?

Parenting 20 year olds is tricky at times!

OP posts:
justasking111 · 31/08/2023 18:27

zazas · 31/08/2023 18:03

It is the furniture really isn't it that is the problem...the storage unit can take the furniture fine so that was never an issue and it is not dumped in the room - there are plants, throws and cushions and rugs all set up around it - but it just doesn't fit!

Show quote history

Those plants won't last a year. I suspect her mother said no to any of her stuff so you've been dumped with it.

You have a storage container her father can insist it goes in there.

adriftabroad · 31/08/2023 18:29

What do you mean "4 years in September"?

You consider university her moving out? DCs need a home even if studying away for a period of the year. At universiry. After her placement, she needs a home.

Toxic alert. "Its rather rammed in there" Yeh, right.

adriftabroad · 31/08/2023 18:30

and she is actually 22!

adriftabroad · 31/08/2023 18:32

Better warn your DD this will happen to her...

SleepingStandingUp · 31/08/2023 18:32

zazas · 31/08/2023 15:57

I think that is what we will do...definitely a transition phase for her...

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This. She'll be gone by October so at worst it's a handful of months. Perhaps she feels like she needs to be tethered somewhere before going abroad? Or perhaps it's just crossed wires?

In Sept Dad can say "I'll move your stuff into storage whilst you're away in case we need ot as a spare room but obviously you can have it back if you move back home after travelling

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 18:41

babyproblems · 31/08/2023 18:15

I understand your saying it’s impractical for you to access the furniture but do you actually need to access it or is this really just a handy reason to stand behind?? Be really honest with yourself… I can’t really see how this can be an important enough reason to justify the hurt you’ll cause by drawing a hard line and making your step daughter feel like she’s not as welcome as she thinks… I think you’d be better to let it go and relish the fact she clearly feels it’s her ‘home’ and she feels secure enough in the family. Many people don’t have that. X

Thanks - that is why I asked the question - to get perspective which I value. I probably should share a photo of just how impractical it is now - but I am sure we can compromise in order for it to work for all.

OP posts:
NeedTheSeaside · 31/08/2023 18:42

@zazas

Some posters are a little bonkers and their comments require a large pinch of salt. Or a stiff ignoring!

i would actually be concerned about DSD. It's very peculiar behaviour! You said she could store her stuff there as she asked too, but she was talking about putting it the storage area in storage boxes. Then while you were away she made a room of your house unusable. It makes no sense. She's been living elsewhere for a year and now going away for another year, but has done this odd thing. When are you next actually seeing her in person?

I wonder if she's got cold feet about going away ??

Personally I'd leave it as it is until I next saw her in person (presuming you'll see her before she goes away for a year) and just see how she is.

if she's happy about going away and seems ok then I'd just ask her why she's done it & when she plans to do as was originally agreed ( put it in boxes to go into storage) as you fully intend to redecorate the room this year.

all the usual blah blah about always being welcome, but in the meantime you're doing up the house & the room will be used for guests.

why don't you use the other kids rooms for guests? Are they used for other things like work spaces/dressing rooms etc or sitting there empty??

NeedTheSeaside · 31/08/2023 18:44

@zazas

Photos are always a bonus

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 18:44

ttcat37 · 31/08/2023 18:17

You could say something along the lines of-

Good to see you got your stuff back in your old room! We didn’t realise it was the big furniture as well- will you be moving back in for a bit? You’re very welcome too. If so we’ll arrange to get the other furniture moved out. If you don’t have plans to move in, would you like us to put your big furniture and larger items in storage for you so that we can still use the room as a guest room?

I am copying that to use - sounds so simple when you say it - thanks so much, I knew I would get some clarity.

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 18:44

threecupsofteaminimum · 31/08/2023 18:11

Sorry, i genuinely missed the DSD bit, apologies.

Easy done - no problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 18:47

adriftabroad · 31/08/2023 18:22

How odd. I would never make DDs room a "spare room" at 23.

I live in Spain though, you are responsible for providing a room in a home until 24 as a minmum.

But in England I still would never do this. Keep it as a "spare room". I find it nasty tbh.

It is still her room but guests stay in it too (we don't call it the guest room) - now they can't as she has brought all her things back in (furniture) - which may or may not be the norm? She is also gong away for a year soon. That's what I am trying to figure out...

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 18:48

justasking111 · 31/08/2023 18:27

Those plants won't last a year. I suspect her mother said no to any of her stuff so you've been dumped with it.

You have a storage container her father can insist it goes in there.

Show quote history

I would never neglect a plant :)

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 18:54

adriftabroad · 31/08/2023 18:29

What do you mean "4 years in September"?

You consider university her moving out? DCs need a home even if studying away for a period of the year. At universiry. After her placement, she needs a home.

Toxic alert. "Its rather rammed in there" Yeh, right.

I meant 4 years ago she went to university and while at university she has been here only sparingly as she usually stays at her mother's when she returns. Then she lived in her own flat since June last year but staying over now and then (she was only 20 mins away). Not sure what you mean by toxic alert though - but not being able to open the wardrobe door or drawers surely means it is a bit squashed?

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 18:55

SleepingStandingUp · 31/08/2023 18:32

This. She'll be gone by October so at worst it's a handful of months. Perhaps she feels like she needs to be tethered somewhere before going abroad? Or perhaps it's just crossed wires?

In Sept Dad can say "I'll move your stuff into storage whilst you're away in case we need ot as a spare room but obviously you can have it back if you move back home after travelling

Show quote history

Thank you ...

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 18:57

adriftabroad · 31/08/2023 18:30

and she is actually 22!

Yes that's what I said - 23 next month but 22 now,

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 19:07

NeedTheSeaside · 31/08/2023 18:42

@zazas

Some posters are a little bonkers and their comments require a large pinch of salt. Or a stiff ignoring!

i would actually be concerned about DSD. It's very peculiar behaviour! You said she could store her stuff there as she asked too, but she was talking about putting it the storage area in storage boxes. Then while you were away she made a room of your house unusable. It makes no sense. She's been living elsewhere for a year and now going away for another year, but has done this odd thing. When are you next actually seeing her in person?

I wonder if she's got cold feet about going away ??

Personally I'd leave it as it is until I next saw her in person (presuming you'll see her before she goes away for a year) and just see how she is.

if she's happy about going away and seems ok then I'd just ask her why she's done it & when she plans to do as was originally agreed ( put it in boxes to go into storage) as you fully intend to redecorate the room this year.

all the usual blah blah about always being welcome, but in the meantime you're doing up the house & the room will be used for guests.

why don't you use the other kids rooms for guests? Are they used for other things like work spaces/dressing rooms etc or sitting there empty??

Thank you for your thoughtful message. I do find the assumptions people make fascinating! Yes I guess I am worried as it is strange behaviour isn't it. Both my DH and my DD have also said so - no one wants to upset her so I do feel that I am needing to tread sensitively as some message is coming from her that I am not understanding. I honesty wouldn't post here to ask if I should allow her to leave her things here etc! I thought maybe someone else had experienced something similar and I should be alert to where she she is at mentally / emotionally. She has suffered some serious losses (death of friends) over the last 4 years so I am always super worried about her. I feel better now to leave it and then have a chat about her plans - and then maybe talk about plans for that room etc. Our house is a complicated mess - it is a do-up (now that we can actually do it as the kids are not here), as it is so old and therefore one room is now used as storage for all the stuff we need to move out of the next room we are doing up and one is used by another child who works for us and stays during the week and then there is the 16 year old's room.

OP posts:
backbritishfarming · 31/08/2023 19:10

OP my DS is the same age, went abroad aged 19 for 6 months to work and loved it so much he's stayed out there (can't work in the UK doing the same job) he comes back for a week or two at a time. After nearly 4 years we've (just this last two months) decided to decorate his room to match the rest of the house. It's now a lovely cottage style guest room. We FaceTime regularly and I just explained what I was doing and he couldn't have cared a hoot. He came back last week for a few days and actually didn't mind his room (it's always going to be DS room) and said it was like staying in a top hotel room 😂

I explained it'll always be his room and he takes precedence over any guests and the bits he has left (not much tbf) is either in the wardrobes or stored correctly in the garage. Please ignore some of the posts on here, a quick conversation will clear it all up easily enough.

adriftabroad · 31/08/2023 19:25

Why do posters ask the OP to "ignore comments on here" when OP has asked for comments?

Odd. Who posts an opinion and says "ignore all others"?

People bothering to comment are, I imagine, posters with uni graduate DDs who they love. Or have had experience themselves as a DD. HTH.

NewName122 · 31/08/2023 19:27

Do people not speak anymore. Why would you not have asked her why she's done that 🤣

CurlewKate · 31/08/2023 19:29

My children have both moved out and we have changed the main purpose of their rooms-one as a spare bedroom and one as a office space. But they still have some of their stuff in and will always be their rooms if they need them. They are only a relationship breakdown or a job loss or an illness away from needing them for a while. Nothing stopping you redecorating though!

Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 19:30

backbritishfarming · 31/08/2023 19:10

OP my DS is the same age, went abroad aged 19 for 6 months to work and loved it so much he's stayed out there (can't work in the UK doing the same job) he comes back for a week or two at a time. After nearly 4 years we've (just this last two months) decided to decorate his room to match the rest of the house. It's now a lovely cottage style guest room. We FaceTime regularly and I just explained what I was doing and he couldn't have cared a hoot. He came back last week for a few days and actually didn't mind his room (it's always going to be DS room) and said it was like staying in a top hotel room 😂

I explained it'll always be his room and he takes precedence over any guests and the bits he has left (not much tbf) is either in the wardrobes or stored correctly in the garage. Please ignore some of the posts on here, a quick conversation will clear it all up easily enough.

Thank you. I think part of growing with your marriage is creating a home that reflects who you are - my DH and I are very much enjoying doing up the house together. Not that this room is on the list anytime soon (or the point of my post!) - the bathrooms are a priority - they are a disaster!

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 31/08/2023 19:31

NewName122 · 31/08/2023 19:27

Do people not speak anymore. Why would you not have asked her why she's done that 🤣

It only happened yesterday when we returned home from holiday - we plan on seeing her soon. And talking.

OP posts:
backbritishfarming · 31/08/2023 19:43

adriftabroad · 31/08/2023 19:25

Why do posters ask the OP to "ignore comments on here" when OP has asked for comments?

Odd. Who posts an opinion and says "ignore all others"?

People bothering to comment are, I imagine, posters with uni graduate DDs who they love. Or have had experience themselves as a DD. HTH.

I think it's most commonly put in defence of the OP when they've received some rather harsh comments, as though she's done/about to do something wrong of which she's neither.

Why do posters put HTH? Totally wank abbreviation because it actually never does.

adriftabroad · 31/08/2023 21:19

That is a stretch. But OK.

FluffyDiplodocus · 31/08/2023 21:25

I would leave it if you can - but do make her aware that people might be staying in it while she is away. As soon as she's gone you could rejig it how you want, and then when she comes back tell her you had to move things / box a few things up as you had people to stay etc.

I found it really unsettling as an young adult stepchild to suddenly no longer have a room in a home that I had been told that was mine, that I was always welcome in etc. There was a lot of other stuff going on in that situation and I don't want to project, but I still remember feeling like the carpet had been pulled out from under me suddenly, and feeling less welcome. It's obviously different once they're settled properly in their own home though, my Mum redid mine after I bought somewhere and had clearly permanently flown the nest!